A/N: Sirius's POV, this chapter is dedicated to reader and reviewer sarahmichellegellarfan1, whose enthusiasm for this story is pushing me forward on updates!
-C
Things with Amy had only gotten better. She stopped vomiting every morning, and her cravings were relatively normal things, like strawberries and hot chocolate. Granted, she wanted them at weird times of the day, and usually when it was least convenient for me to get them for her, but I was getting better at dropping everything and doing what she needed. And no matter how little of an inconvenience she caused, she always apologized profusely once she was satisfied.
And I loved the kisses that came with her apologies.
It was strange, touching her stomach and knowing that we had a child growing in there.
"There's been some very bad news," Professor Dumbledore said, sweeping into the room, everyone around the table falling silent. "There has just been an attack on St. Mungo's. I have a list of the confirmed dead. If you know any of the victims or their families this will be a difficult time for them. An entire ward was exploded."
Lily gasped.
The list was handed to Dorcas and she scanned it with sad eyes before shaking her head and passing it on.
My stomach churned as I thought about how just this time yesterday I'd taken Amy to the hospital to do a pre-natal checkup.
That could have been us.
"Caradoc, an update," Professor Dumbledore said as the list went from Mad-Eye to Dedalus.
Caradoc cleared his throat and said, "Some mild improvement, but I'm going to have a new contact. Mine is fleeing the country. She's promising to find a replacement, but she's probably going to have to leave in the next two days, so I can't honestly say that she'll manage it before she goes. You might want to look into it as well."
Albus said he would and I watched the list move from Dedalus to Elphias Doge.
I didn't know why I was so nervous. Everyone I knew was either in this room or at their homes. There was no one I knew at St. Mungo's, or with any reason to be at St. Mungo's. James had just said how Mrs. Potter was in the middle of baking a pie when he left.
Everyone was fine.
But still, my hands were shaking as the list went from Doge to Sturgis Podmore.
"Dorcas," Albus said, smiling at her. "I know you're a bit reluctant about the York mission, but…"
"No, you're right," she sighed. "But I know I'd better do it. Nobody else is qualified."
I didn't know what the York mission was, but I had a feeling what it might entail: Dorcas was the world's leading expert in a rare case of werewolf biology where they attacked when not transformed, something about bloodlust. I hadn't read her work, but if she was going to York there were werewolves involved, and not furry-little-problem werewolves.
Remus shifted in his seat nervously.
The list went from Sturgis's hands to Frank's.
"Sirius, I'm not putting you on any missions until Amy has delivered and is fully recovered from labor."
I blinked.
"Oh," I said, not sure if I was disappointed or relieved. "Thank you, sir."
Lily smiled at this, and I knew she was relieved. I knew Amy would need me, so it was a good thing on the whole. She already could barely last half an hour without me before she started craving something or she would need my input on something for the wedding. When she got big, really big, and wouldn't be fully mobile she would need me even more.
And then there was the birth.
He was right. I shouldn't even think of missions until Amy was recovered.
The list moved from Frank to Alice. It wasn't likely to strike her if it hadn't struck Frank. They knew all the same people.
I knew a lot of the people they knew, too, between being a few years apart in school and the fact that they knew everyone in the pureblood circles.
"Remus, Peter, I'm going to ask you to go to Scotland for me. Hogsmeade, more precisely. There's been some…threat of violence on the students. I have eyes in the village proper, but I'm actually going to ask you to stay in the shack. I want you to be on hand in case of an emergency. Just for a few days, a week at most."
They nodded in agreement. It wouldn't be easy for Remus, being in the shack, but he would have Peter at least, and it would keep him away from his whole mess with Sarah.
Thankfully he'd not written her a letter since I proposed to Amy. He'd been so focused on the Order and the upcoming weddings that he didn't have as much time to wallow in things. It was healthy.
Alice handed the list to the Prewett twins, who looked at it together.
"Alastor," Albus said to Mad-Eye, "do you have any guesses who will investigate the issue at St. Mungo's?"
"Well, it won't be me," Mad-Eye growled, his eye on the list as the Prewett twins frowned down at it. "Dawlish, maybe, although he's green. Might give it to Frank."
"Frank, what do you think?"
Frank sighed and shrugged.
"I think it bodes well that I don't know any of the victims," he said slowly. "I doubt many in the office will be able to say the same, what with the number."
"Well, even if you aren't on the case I want you to keep a close eye on as much information from it as you can. This is exactly the sort of attack we want to avoid in the future."
The list was passed to Peter, who looked at it thoughtfully, but his eyes also darted back up to the discussion, his attention split. Sturgis was talking about how things were going in the hippie environments he was infiltrating (or rather, living it out of choice and utilizing the Order as an excuse for), and Peter passed the paper to Lily.
Not ten seconds later Lily squeaked in horror, the room went silent, and my stomach dropped.
"I-I'm sorry," she said, voice shaking. "It's just I…I know…."
"Who?" I demanded, knowing I was too far away to snatch the list from her hands.
She looked around at all the eyes watching her sadly.
"Who is it, Lily?" James asked gently.
"S-Sarah," she said softly, and I felt sick. "Sarah and Cole Kelly."
"Oh, Merlin."
Sarah's youngest brother, Cole, was ill. Everyone knew that, although no one really knew why. Amy probably did know, but I'd never asked. I'd never met the kid, as he wasn't Hogwarts age.
That, in and of itself, was tragic. A small child, murdered before life had even begun. But Sarah had died too, probably visiting him, wrong place at the wrong time.
What was I going to tell Amy?
They weren't speaking, but they had been so close for so many years….
I glanced over at Remus who swallowed, staring at a spot on the table. His whole body was shaking and I knew he wanted to leave the room and cry. His eyes were already shining with unshed tears.
But he stayed in the room.
I couldn't imagine what sort of strength that would take, sitting there while his whole world was crumbling around him.
And he wouldn't be able to go to the funeral, wouldn't have the closer I'd had when I lost Mr. Potter.
I realized he needed to talk to Amy, who hadn't been able to get the closer for her sister until long after Ashley Elizabeth was dead. Perhaps she would have some sort of advice for him in dealing with his grief.
But he didn't want advice. He wanted Sarah. He wanted Sarah, and she was dead. It didn't matter anymore that she'd denied him. It didn't matter that she'd taken that flat by herself in London.
Nothing mattered.
She'd never even gotten to do her Herbology research she'd been so excited about. I shivered, taking the list as James handed it to me.
That could have been me and Amy.
Except it couldn't have, I realized, looking at the name of the ward at the top of the list.
It was the ward for treatment of Squibs, a special service of St. Mungo's to the unfortunate wizarding families who had a Squib who also got ill.
Cole Kelly had been a Squib, and I had never known.
I wondered if Amy had even known.
The meeting was twice as hard to bear once I knew what was on the list. There were no other names I was familiar with, but when I had to pass the list over to a trembling Remus I watched him all but fall apart right in front of everyone. No one was having an easy time of dealing with the meeting while he was sobbing into his hands. Even Albus Dumbledore's blue eyes kept flickering pityingly over to Remus as others were speaking.
And I felt a bit sick to my stomach.
After the meeting was tea and we stayed, talking about the attack mostly, and Remus still sat in his chair, staring at the list, now with dry but blank eyes. I wanted to say something to him, to comfort him, but not in front of so many people, so many people who really didn't understand the full extent of his suffering.
"He's going to be okay?" Caradoc asked as I absently stirred my tea, watching Remus from the sink. "Should someone spend a day or two with him?"
"We'll probably have Peter stay with him," I said softly. "He'll be okay. But it's tough for now."
Caradoc nodded. He looked over at Remus solemnly for a moment before a smile crept onto his lips and he looked at me.
"So, I haven't had a chance to congratulate you on the pregnancy yet."
I smiled in spite of myself, looking down at my tea. Thinking of Amy always made me smile, but for some reason thinking of Amy wearing my ring or carrying my child made me especially pleased and proud. I'd never really thought of myself as especially possessive, but I guess that can change when you have something worth holding onto.
"Thanks," I said. I took a sip of tea and turned back to him. "Are you going to be able to go to the wedding?"
"You mean if I'm alive and there's no Order emergency?" he asked, half-joking in that morbid way of joking that all of the Order members developed with alarming quickness. "Yeah, it's on my calendar already. I know it's tacky to ask, but what do you think Amy would like as a wedding gift? I've never actually met her."
I had forgotten that. It hadn't seemed safe for Amy to get too close with Order members she didn't already know. Caradoc had agreed with this solution, but it did seem a bit strange to have a few Order members at the wedding that Amy had never even met.
"Tell you what," I said, smiling, "you should come over for dinner sometime. You don't have to become her new best friend, but…" I frowned suddenly, and I could almost see Amy and Sarah in my head, laughing about some inside joke they'd had for years and refused to explain to me.
I glanced at Remus again, and he was still staring blankly at the parchment.
"What's wrong?" Caradoc asked.
"Sarah Kelly used to be Amy's best friend," I said dully. "I…. Well, they haven't spoken in a while, but they were really close for years."
"I'm sorry," Caradoc said earnestly. He pursed his lips for a moment and then said, "Tell you what, I've got to go now, but I'll drop by for dinner next week. Tuesday good?"
"Of course," I said after a quick think about our schedule. Tuesdays were usually fine.
Caradoc said his parting words and I downed the rest of my tea to find that everyone but Remus, Lily, James, and Peter had left. Marlene had to go to something for one of her siblings, so she hadn't even stayed for tea.
"I'll leave you boys to it," Lily said softly to me. "I'll only be in the way, I expect. I'll go keep Amy company until you get home, yeah?"
I took that as meaning that she was going to go break the news so that I didn't have to be the one to tell her, but I could be the one to comfort her.
"Yeah, okay," I said, nodding and thanking her. She gave me a hug and James a kiss before she left as well, and the room was empty of all but Marauders. It was as it should be, really.
We dealt with our problems alone, and almost always had.
"Remus," James said gently, sitting down beside him, "how do you feel?"
Remus said nothing for a long moment before he finally said, "I've never really wanted to die before, but now it almost seems to be a happy alternative to the pain."
I stared at him, shocked.
Surely Remus wasn't suicidal. Surely he didn't think that killing himself would be some twisted positive because he would see Sarah again.
He couldn't be that desperate.
"Remus, you're not the only one who's suffering right now," I said, sitting down across from him. "Amy is about to hear the news from Lily and she's going to be in so much pain. And you know I can't help her. You know I can't fix it. You remember when Ashley Elizabeth died…. I can't sympathize with that, Moony. But you can."
He looked up at me, eyes still dead, but he said nothing. He just stared at me. It was spooky.
"Padfoot's right," James said softly. "She's going to need you, Moony."
I wasn't sure if she would need him exactly. After all, she did have me. But Amy would completely understand the importance of making Remus believe she needed him. She would especially understand if I told her what he'd just said. She'd be as horrified as the rest of us to see him this way.
"Amy," he muttered, looking sadly back down at the list. "Amy…."
I winced.
I'd often worried that he would revert back to being obsessed with Amy once he finally got over Sarah, but this might be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Suddenly, his eyes grew wide and wild and he gripped the edge of the table so hard that his knuckles turned white.
"No," he said urgently. "No, Sirius, she can't know! She can't find out! What about the baby? No, don't tell Amy. Don't…. Tell her Sarah left the country, tell her anything, but don't…."
My own eyes widened surprised at his illogical rant and panic.
"It's going to be in the papers, Remus," Peter squeaked softly. "She's going to have to find out, and it might be better from Lily than from the Prophet."
Remus was still clutching the table tightly, his fast breathing beginning to slow once more, but he still seemed very distressed about Amy, about the baby…. About my baby.
"Remus," I said gently, "I'm going to take good care of her. I'm going to make sure she and the baby are fine, but I'm going to need your help. You understand her pain right now better than me. Right?"
He nodded slowly, looking at a spot on the table. He was no longer trembling, merely stiff.
Slowly, though, his grip on the table began to relax.
"Is it my fault?" he asked softly. I thought my heart stopped for a moment.
Was it…was it his fault Sarah was dead? How could he even possibly think that?
"No," James said, putting his hand on Remus's arm. "No, Remus, it's not your fault at all. You did nothing wrong. Blame the Death Eaters. Blame Voldemort. Blame the idiots who put all the Squibs in one ward."
I didn't want to point out that the Squib ward had actually medical benefits, since they got different diseases from both Muggles and Wizards and it was better for them to have specialist Healers rather than general ones. It would have been slightly counter-productive, and Remus knew it anyway.
"If I had found a way to get her to live somewhere else," he said, swallowing. "Maybe she wouldn't have visited that day. Maybe she would have…. I…."
It was foolishness, of course. Any change Remus could have made to her life would have an improbable effect on her having visited Cole on that day. Unless he could be blamed for Cole being sick or Sarah loving her brother, he was blameless.
But this was him trying to find sense and meaning in a meaningless thing.
"Remus, you know you're being silly, right?" James said. To my surprise, Remus nodded. He opened his mouth, but before he could defend his insanity James said firmly, "We're going to have Peter stay with you for a few days, just to make sure you're okay, all right? And you can see Amy and help her cope as well, because she'll need it."
Remus nodded. The regular reiteration that Amy needed him seemed to be doing wonders for his morale.
"I'll take him home now," Peter said softly. "We need to get back in time for me to Floo my mum and let her know I'll be with Remus for a few days."
We all got our cloaks and I put mine on as Remus and Peter left for Remus's place. James turned to me.
"You going to be okay with Amy? Do you want some support?"
I shook my head. It was nice that he'd thought of it, but I wanted this time alone with her, to tell her about Remus. It had to come from me. She was going to need me.
"I'll see you tomorrow, though," I said softly. "I'm sure she'll want everyone over for a bit of a wake. It'll make her feel better."
"Of course," James said, clapping my shoulder.
And I closed my eyes, wishing that the world could give Remus and Amy a break.