I sit on the edge of Raven's workbench swinging my feet back and forth in the air. Normally at this point in the day I would be out hunting or scouting the area but Bellamy pretty much has me on lock down. The cloudy sky blocks out the sun and the chill bitter air is a sign that winter is not too far in the distance. As I watch Raven fiddle with two pieces of red wire I think about how different our lives have become; on the ark Raven would be running around Mecha station or going on space walks but now she has to sit here utterly useless. As for me everything I do is getting harder and more frustrating, I'm already having trouble mounting my horse so who knows when I'll no longer be able to swing my blade. I gaze out the window of Raven's workshop at the young guards being trained. Lincoln and Harper are surrounded by initiates as he shows her how to throw a decent punch. That should be me. I should be out there with him, moving around and running and just being free. Alas I am contained and restrained by the monster inside me, holding me back and destroying the only things I enjoy doing in my life.
"Are you okay?" says Raven looking up from her work and seeing the somber expression on my face. "Fine I guess, just irritated" I reply. She puts down the wires she was splicing and glances at me, pity written all over her face. I hate being looked at like that, people constantly feeling sorry for me like I am ill or something. I am still me. I am still the same girl I was before all this shit happened. "So do you know what sex it is yet?" she asks giving a weak attempt at making me feel any better, however I appreciate her trying. "I don't know" I say shrugging.
"I think it's a boy" she says getting out of her metal chair and approaching me.
"Maybe" exhaustion and a lack of enthusiasm is evident in my voice.
"And he will look just like his Mum, all tough and scary but with his Dad's soft brown eyes."
I laugh halfheartedly but some part of me really does like to imagine that, picturing a small version of me and Lincoln. The kid having it's Dad's hooked nose and my pointed chin. Maybe it will even have curly hair like Bellamy's.
"Can I feel it?" she asks stretching out her hand. I'm currently just passed 4 and a half months and not much has changed since Lincoln asked to feel it but I let her touch my stomach anyway. As I pull up the fabric that covers my torso, Raven places a cool, gentle hand on my bare skin. "You're definitely getting fatter" she says "but you still look and feel pretty normal if I'm honest"
I smile because she's the only person to tell me I still look normal, admittedly most people can't even tell I'm pregnant but it feels like there's this huge round object exploding out of me from my stomach. "Have you thought of names?" she asks perfectly innocently but I immediately pull the fabric of my shirt back down aggressively. "I told you I'm not keeping it" I say coldly. "I know but I just thought maybe you would have thought of names" she says adjusting her tone of voice to match mine. "Well I haven't" at this point I shuffle of the bench and head towards the door. I was so angry at Raven's comment that I just wanted to get away from her, I am not even sure why her comment made me so mad but it did. Fiery, hot coals burn deep inside me and I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me. The cold, metal corridor is practically empty seeing as most of the children are outside playing and the adults are working, so I march through un-disturbed. The chill from the building rises through the floor and clings to my ankles making me almost shiver. As I trek along the corridor and turn round the corner to my left, I see Bellamy stomping through with his head down and body tense. All my anger fizzles away and all I care about is making sure that my brother is okay. "Bellamy what's wrong?" I say putting a hand up to stop him but he brushes past me and carries on walking. "Nothing" he mumbles under his breath but his voice is tainted by sadness. I jog to catch up with him and stand directly in his way so that he can't keep walking. "Tell me what's wrong" I demand.
"Look O just leave me alone, I'm not in the mood right now." He sounds tired but his deep voice is heavy with melancholy.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong" I say stubbornly.
"Just stop worrying about me and go help out Raven or something" he tries to push past me and keep walking but he doesn't get very far. I pull him back by the collar of his shirt and use my body to block his way once more "You're my brother. It's impossible for me to stop worrying about you." He looks up sharply and his face is as hard and as stern as iron but a single tear rolls down the side of his rough, left cheek. "Tell me what happened" I say softly trying to comfort him. "You really wanna know huh?" his says sounding slightly angry. I nod my head in response. "Clarke's back" he says. I widen my eyes like I am surprised but the truth is: I have been communicating with Kane and Indra about her position in Polis for quite a while now so it is no surprise to me that she finally decided to come back. "What did she say?" I ask. He looks around, checking that no one else is around to hear. "It doesn't matter, all that matters is that she is back and now I need her gone again" Bellamy's words shock me but I think I understand them. I always thought that Clarke never really thought about how badly her leaving would affect Bellamy and that when they finally reunited things wouldn't be the same between them. "Bellamy just calm down alright, Clarke is dealing with a lot right now too cut her some slack" I say but he just gets even more riled up. "She has the nerve to show her face around here after what she did; after what she did to me" his voice almost cracks but he just about holds it together. "She left me, O! She abandoned me despite everything I did for her and now she comes back thinking that everything will be fine?!" his eyes well up but no tears actually start to fall. "I trusted her O" he says in a quiet voice like a little boy. "I lo-" for a moment I think he is going to say he loved her but he changes his words half way through the sentence, deciding her was sharing a little too much of his feelings. "I can't handle seeing her right now" he says finally. I sigh at the worn out expression on my brother's face and then pull him in for a hug, squeezing as tightly as I can like we did when we were kids. "It'll be okay Bellamy" I say "It'll be okay"