I hear nothing but the occasional hoot of an owl or rustle of wind through the trees. Lincoln lies beside me with one of his arms lying across my middle. His arm is warm and comforting and I can feel his deep, slumbering breaths on the back of my neck. Being wrapped in his arms like this makes me feel calmer and happier; no matter how screwed up things get, we will always be able to return to this exact position every night and relax in the safety of each other's embrace. However no matter how excepting and loyal he is to me, I can't help but feel like the little monster growing inside me is pulling us apart. I know that it is not my fault and that Lincoln will never turn his back on me even when I give the kid away but I also know that life would be so much easier if this stupid thing didn't exist.
Both me and Lincoln are snuggly tucked behind the wall of the forest and from where we lye I can see the luminous lights on Arkadia's wall. The sky is cloudless and each star glows brilliantly above me. For once there isn't a chill in the air and the wind is even subtly warm. Lincoln's chest rises and falls with every heavy breath he takes and I can feel it when my back is pressed against his as we spoon. Everything is at peace; everything except my mind. This still night reminds me of times when we first landed on the ground.
There was no Arkadia back then, there were no adults to tell us what to do, I could be who I wanted without any restraints and all of us were at least happy some of the time but it's not like that anymore. Despite the fact that we are building a sustainable civilisation with proper medical facilities and comfy beds, I miss the old times. Times when Jasper and Monty would make us all laugh, times when Bellamy and Clarke would make eyes at each other from across the camp, times when I would sneak out to see Lincoln in his cave. We didn't realise how lucky we were back then, things we never easy but at least we had each other. Now we don't. Now every single one of us is broken somehow, broken by the things we have seen and done. Last time I talked to Jasper he was sitting in the corner of the mess hall, drinking and crying at the same time. Last time I saw Raven she was screaming on the inside, hating every inch of her. Last time I saw Bellamy he had a faraway look in his eyes, like something was missing from his life. And I haven't even seen Clarke in over three months, she just decided that she had crossed the line and left. She left everything and turned her back on us all but I can't blame her. She had her reasons and so does everyone else for doing the things they do.
"Octavia are you okay?" says Lincoln sleepily as he pulls his arm off me. "Yeah I'm fine" I answer "go back to sleep" Lincoln forces his tired body out of his sleeping position and props himself up on his elbows "Why are you awake?" his voice is thick with sleep and I can tell he is only half awake. A cool breeze finds its way to the spot where Lincoln's arm used to be and makes me feel cold. "No reason, I just couldn't sleep" I say. He considers what he is going to say next before deciding on "Well if you need anything I am right here" and then he plops his body back onto the ground forcefully and tries to go back to sleep again. I wish I could fall asleep as easily as him but my mind always has too many thoughts whizzing around inside it.
When dawn finally breaks over the top of the mountain and showers Arkadia with the warm morning sun, I open my eyes and take in the beautiful woodland scene around me. It seems weird to think that I spent sixteen years of my life never even having a view from a window and now the view is all around me.
Bellamy is already at his post on the wall when I walk through the towering gates of Arkadia. When he sees me he immediately jumps down from his position and jogs over to me with a large grin on his face. Seeing Bellamy happy makes me happy and a wide smile appears on my face too. "Morning," I say as he approaches "what put you in such a good mood?" His smile widens and he responds with a joyful bounce in his voice "nothing, it's just a good day to be happy"
"Well I'm glad to see my brother finally starting to smile again" I say. Together me and Bellamy walk to the cafeteria and discuss our plans for today. I plan on seeing Jasper and seeing if I can help him in any way and Bellamy plans on standing at his post until lunch and is then going to do fighting demonstrations with Lincoln. "I can help if you want" I suggest "I am a better fighter than you" He nods, not disagreeing with me. "You can come along if you want but there is no way I am letting you fight in your situation"
"Oh please, it's not like you could stop me from fighting even if you tried"
"True but I think you're too smart to do something as reckless as that so I don't need to try and stop you because you will stop yourself"
He's right. I know that fighting in my medical state is a bad idea but I hate not being able to join in. Fighting and training is part of who I am, in taking that away I no longer feel like myself.
The room is bustling with people as we get our food and we struggle to find somewhere to sit. As we sit on the cold metal benches, eating and talking, Kane strides over to me. He's been letting his hair grow out and it now curls softly over his forehead. "Ah Octavia, just the person I wanted to see" he says crouching by our table. "What's up?" I say. "I need to have a word with you later on, it's important." Something in his voice makes me suspicious like he is trying to be calm about something that is actually quite substantial. I look over at Bellamy who is completely ignoring me and Kane's conversation and is just shovelling junks of pork meat into his mouth. "Sure I'll swing by your office after breakfast" Kane smiles before marching out of the room leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Kane is hiding something and whatever it is I'm pretty sure it's what he wants to talk about later.
I stride along the prison-like corridors of Arkadia, on my way to Kane's office. Various pipes and tubing hang at random intervals along the ceiling and charred bits of metal line the scuffed flooring. When I reach his office I knock twice on the thin steel door. "Come in!" says Kane's muffled voice through the wall and I slowly turn the handle and push open the door. When my eyes adjust to the scene in front of me I am filled with only three feelings: Surprise, anger and curiosity. In the room stands Kane near his desk, Abby by the wall and in the centre of the room is someone with messy blonde hair, a thick grounder jacket and clumpy black boots. Clarke.
My first instinct is surprise and caution. She looks different, very different and she stands like a grounder. Clarke's eyes don't look surprised to see me; they just seem to smile painfully. "Octavia," she says calmly "it's been a while since we last spoke" I shuffle into the room and close the door behind me before answering her. "Three months" I say. "For three months you disappear and then you come back and act like everything is as it once was?" my voice sounds mildly accusing and bubbling anger starts to fuel my choice of words. Clarke bites her bottom lip and looks at her toes. "You show up out of nowhere and decide to talk to my brother, breaking him apart just as he was starting to put himself back together. He was only just getting over you leaving and now you're back?! Now you're back to crush his heart all over again?!" I pretty much shout now. "Octavia" Kane says trying to calm me down but I completely ignore him. "He trusted you Clarke! You meant as much to him as I did!" Clarke's shameful look disappears from her face and her eyes are now glazed with a shine of sadness. "I know what I did wasn't easy on Bellamy but it's not like I had a choice! I had to leave, I couldn't stay here Octavia. I couldn't live with the guilt" she says pleading with me. I scoff at her words and cross my arms "So you decided to spent the last three months sitting in your grounder palace with Lexa, the person who caused you to kill everyone in the first place" my voice is quieter now but is still cold and unforgiving. "It wasn't like that" she says. "Sure" I say sarcastically before turning away from her and facing Kane. I understand Clarke's actions but she hurt my brother and there is no way I am going to forgive her for that. "Why is she here?" I ask Kane. Kane leans against his desk with his palms resting on the surface of the table. "She came to announce Lexa's plans to make us the thirteenth clan…" he says trailing of before finishing his sentence "And?" I ask abruptly. "And…," he says "she came to talk to Bellamy". I laugh. I can't help it. Does she honestly think that he is going to want to see her after their last interaction? "Please Octavia," Clarke says stepping closer and gripping my elbows with her hands. I need to talk to him, it's important" her voice seems genuinely concerned. Kane takes his hands of the desk and stands beside Clarke "Just take her too him" he says "please" My eyes flick from Clarke's desperate expression to Kane's pleading one and to Abby's worried one. Abby hasn't said anything the whole time but I guess she is just happy her daughter is back and doesn't want to interject. "Fine" I say gritting my teeth not happy about what I am being forced to do. "You have no idea how grateful I am" Clarke says with a faint smile forming on her lips. I frown. "Just follow me" I say.