I sit hunched over against the wall. The wind still blows briskly and I've been out here so long that it's caused my skin to feel like it's being continuously pricked with tiny needles. Ever since I left Clarke to go see Bellamy I have been waiting out here to see him. I want to know what she had to tell him so urgently. The cold, bitter air lines my lungs and every breath tightens in my throat. I have been out here for an hour and so far there is no sign of Bellamy or Clarke. Lincoln's training group left half an hour and Lincoln's out hunting. The threatening, ominous gates of Arkadia loom in the distance like prison bars separating me from the world I love. I can't wait until this whole thing is over so that me and Lincoln can live together in the woods, or join Luna's clan. I just want this whole nightmare to be over.
I'm so completely lost in my daydreams that I don't notice a skinny, lanky boy stride up to me. "Octavia?" he says but his throat croaks like he's parched. I look up to see Jasper standing over me with a confused expression on his face. "What's up?" I say. He stares at me in a puzzled way and then plonks down next to me with thud. "What are you doing?" his voice almost seems rusty. Two possible explanations to his weird sounding voice: he has been drinking more than her should have, or, he's been crying for a very long time. Both options are very plausible. "I'm waiting for Bell" I answer. Jasper's face looks sombre and his eyes look hollow and pink. I hate seeing him like this, every day he gets pissed to distract himself from his pain or he spends the whole day crying endlessly. "Oh" he says. He looks down at his shoes and stares at them for a few minutes. I want to cheer him up so badly but I don't think that there's anything I can do. Suddenly a though occurs to me. "Hey, do you wanna see something cool?" I ask with a hint of enthusiasm in my tone. He looks up from his shoes and nods. Slowly I hitch up the hem of my shirt to expose my rounded bump. The cool air tickles against my bare skin and I shiver slightly. Gently I take Jasper's hand in my own and place his palm on my belly. "What are you doing?" he asks confused but he doesn't remove his hand. "Just wait" I say biting my lip. Suddenly the skin on my bump jolts slightly making Jasper's hand move. He instantly flashes a glowing smile at me, child-like wonder in his eyes. "Did you feel it?" I say smiling, almost laughing at the awe on his face. He nods rapidly at me still with a beaming smile stretched from ear to ear. He stares at my bump and then it moves again. He chuckles slightly in amazement. "That's incredible" he says slowly, still not taking his eyes of my bump. "Pretty cool huh?" I say.
For a while Jasper and I sit watching as the skin covering the bump moves up and down in random places. I love seeing him smile again. Even if it doesn't last long that smile means a lot to him. "So are you keeping it?" he asks. I only just realise that I have never actually spoken to Jasper about it. He must have just realised I was pregnant when I started showing or Raven could have told him. "I uh-" I hesitate, not quite sure what to say. "I guess I'm giving it away" I say but something about those words feel strange, they feel different from when I first said them a few months ago. The thought of handing the baby over to someone else is harder to imagine than it used to be. "Do you really want to?" he asks obviously doubting how certain I sounded before. "Of course" I try and smile as I say it "I don't want a stupid kid to hold me back in life. Kids are such an inconvenience, just ask my mom" somehow I find myself questioning my own words. "You know you don't have to if you don't want to" he says quietly as if trying to reassure me. "Trust me I want too" I nod my head vigorously- too vigorously. None of my words seem convincing. I thought that giving the baby away is what I wanted but then why does the thought of it make me feel so sad? "Okay, if you're sure" he says. My head is a frenzy of thoughts and conflicting emotions. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to give the baby up but at the same time I don't really want to keep it. Everything is getting so messed up in my brain that I can't think straight. I need something to calm me down- I need an anchor. Unexpectedly I throw my arms around the skinny boy sitting next to me. At first he is stunned and doesn't hug back but then he wraps his arms around me too and I am welcomed by his embrace. I squeeze him tightly and he squeezes back. "Octavia, maybe you need more time to think about what you want to do with it?" he says into my shoulder "Either choice is okay but for the reference-" he pauses to inhale a quick breath and then continues "you would make a great mom" His words surprise me and I hug him even tighter. "Thanks" I say sounding a little emotional.
A few moments later Jasper leaves to go and get something to drink from the mess hall. I deflate when I realize that our conversation wasn't enough to keep him happy for a long period of time. Bellamy still doesn't appear after almost 3 hours of waiting so I find myself things to do for the rest of the day. I start by helping Raven and then I help to skin and slice the chunks of meat that Lincoln brings in from hunting. After that the day goes by fairly quickly and I find myself sitting around a large campfire with Lincoln as we eat our meat. People gather around the fire and stars cluster above our heads. Just as I begin to tuck into my third piece of meat two people catch my eye. I can see them from across the camp and they stand by the doors of Mecha-station. Bellamy and Clarke. I can't hear them from this far away and the darkness means I can't really see their faces either. Their silhouettes stand apart for a while and then I see Bellamy move towards Clarke and take her in his arms. He hugs her forcefully and nestles his head into her tangle of blonde hair. Clarke firmly wraps her arms around his neck and stands on her tip-toes to be at the right height. I don't know whether to be happy or not. I'm glad that Bellamy is happy and I guess that's the most important thing. I have seen how badly Clarke's absence damaged Bellamy and how it almost broke him so maybe now he can start to heal, maybe now he can be happy again.
The crackling fire glows brightly in front of me and seeing my brother look content again warms my heart like the fire warms my hands.