A/N: Amy's POV, this chapter is dedicated to reader and reviewer, danceegirl92. I hope you enjoy!

-C

It was hard, waiting up for Sirius when he was on missions, but Aludra always seemed to sense when he was leaving for one anyway, and she would keep me awake. She didn't seem to like sleeping without her father to tuck her in any more than I liked the idea of sleeping without Sirius beside me.

"Let's see," I said, sitting us both down on the floor. "Which doll do you want to grab at today?"

I was convinced that I was a terrible mother, and when Sirius wasn't around I felt like even worse of a mother. I loved Aludra, obviously, but I was frustrated with her. There was so much she couldn't do, so much she needed constant help and attention with. I found her exhausting. Sirius was so incredibly patient and loving with her and I felt guilty for the frustration I felt. If Sirius, who had had the worst parents in the world, could be so patient and kind with a helpless child, then surely I could figure it out from watching my parents being constantly loving and patient.

But the more I tried to focus on patience, the harder it became.

Aludra had begun to cry in spite of the presence of her favorite doll and I knew that this was a different cry from the one that meant she wanted Sirius.

She wanted food.

I sighed, pulling my shirt and bra off, positioning her and offering my breast. Aludra's little mouth instantly sucked up my nipple and began to feed on the milk.

Sometimes, in spite of my love for my daughter, I thought of her a bit as a parasite.

I laid my head back as she fed, thinking of Sirius's words before he'd left for his mission. He swore he'd be back before it got too late. He also swore that he'd help put down Aludra for bed, as he always did, because she didn't seem to want to sleep unless it was her father putting her in her cot.

As Aludra continued to happily suck away, I rubbed my tired eyes with the heel of my free hand.

He was a good father, as good as any new father could hope to be without much guidance. I sighed, adjusting my hold on Aludra.

Sirius swore up and down that I was a good mother, but he didn't understand. I didn't live in fear of being my parents. I lived in fear of not measuring up to my parents, to the Potters, to Sirius. I was surrounded by models of excellent parents, so if I failed to be the perfect mother for my child, what was my excuse?

Aludra began to fuss and I switched her to the other breast, adjusting my hair slightly. I wasn't sure when it had gotten so tangled, but I'd taken to wearing it up most of the time, even when sleeping. Aludra loved tugging on long strands of hair, not really caring if they belonged to her dolls or her parents. I loved poking fun at Sirius when Aludra caught hold of his hair, by threatening to cut his precious locks.

He never found this particularly funny, and liked to counter that maybe he should cut my hair. I had him there, though, because he loved my hair too much to cut it. I'd considered it at one point in school and even before we'd been together he'd been very upset that I would even consider cutting my hair. Naturally, I decided not to cut it, knowing that he loved it so much, and I knew he wouldn't let me do it even for the purpose of putting me in my place.

"There, now," I said, smiling as Aludra smacked her lips and moved her head away from my breast. "Better?"

She was sleepy, of course, and I began to burp her, hoping that Sirius would be home soon to put her to bed. I stood, placing the towel over my shoulder and moving into the kitchen where the floor was easier to clean. Sirius insisted that a quick Charm got rid of it all, but I wasn't so sure he wasn't just too lazy to do it properly.

I patted Aludra's back, pacing around the kitchen, babbling on at my daughter about whatever popped into my head while I tried not to think about what was keeping Sirius. He'd promised it wouldn't be too late, and it was already well past the point I would have called late.

Perhaps if I called Lily for some company…. Whatever it was he was off doing, he was doing it with James. She would be just as anxious as I was, and Aludra loved Lily, or more specifically, Lily's hair.

"You, miss," I muttered, "had better have incredibly long hair when you get older, because then you can pull on your own hair and leave everyone else's alone."

Just as I said this, Aludra's hand began to grab at a lock of my hair that had come loose from the tangled mess of a bun I'd put it all up in, and I groaned.

"C'mon, love," I sighed. "Just get sleepy enough that I can actually put you to bed so your father being late can be something I can worry about properly."

Her eyes were flickering closed and I was started to get actually hopeful.

I continued to pace along the kitchen floor, wondering if maybe I shouldn't make a quick snack once I'd finally gotten her to sleep. Dinner was a while ago and I was beginning to get hungry. The downside would be that if I was full I might get sleepy, and I wanted to stay up until Sirius got back.

"Just you and me, love," I sighed, shifting her as she started to fall asleep in earnest. "Just you and me. Daddy's still not back like he promised and I'm start to get annoyed…."

My voice trailed off as I heard the sound of Sirius's motorbike at the front.

Sirius barked with laugher as he came in, and Aludra woke up slightly at the sound of her father approaching, lifting her head slightly.

"Where are my beautiful girls?" Sirius called.

"Kitchen," I said, walking out to greet him, and his jaw dropped as he saw me.

I had completely forgotten that I'd not put on my bra or shirt when I finished feeding Aludra.

"What are you trying to do to me?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Aludra to bed first," I said, rolling my eyes. "Then I suppose you can ogle since I can't really stop you."

Sirius laughed nervously, taking Aludra from my arms, kissing her little head as he carried her off to her room.

"How's Daddy's princess?" he said happily, and she cooed, happily but tired. I watched as he placed her tenderly in her cot and touched her head as she smacked her lips, eyes already closing.

"So, what happened that has you so happy?" I asked when he returned and I leaned over to pick up my shirt at least from the sofa, making to put it on. Sirius's hand stopped me, touching my bare shoulder happily.

"We killed three Death Eaters today," Sirius said, pressing a kiss to my bare shoulder. "With a Muggle car."

"I'm sorry, what?" I snapped, pushing him off my shoulder and looking up at him. I could feel my whole body trembling. "What happened?"

"Well, these Muggle police started following us," Sirius said casually, obviously not concerned with my pushing him away as he traced his fingers down my sides. "And we went down an alley and they were all excited. It was sort of like the films, being pulled over. Flashing blue lights and everything."

I swallowed and closed my eyes, horrified. Horrified, and a little bit turned on by the way he was touching me.

"So it was the police car you used, then?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "Yeah, they came up behind the police, three of them on brooms. We were protecting the Muggles in a way. They had no idea what was happening."

I backed away.

"Did you use Memory Charms?"

"N-no," Sirius said slowly, scratching the side of his face thoughtfully. "I suppose we probably should have…"

"You think?" I snorted. "What about the Statute of Secrecy, Sirius? I know you didn't care when we were kids, but it's obviously a bit different now!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Are you upset that I used the Muggle car, or that we forgot the Memory Charm?"

I wasn't sure what was upsetting me. Perhaps it had something to do with my husband and my best friend's husband murdering three people and his laughing about it.

I shivered slightly, pulling on the shirt in spite of his protests and I sat down.

"What was the mission?" I asked. "Why were the Death Eaters following you in the first place?"

He swallowed and sat beside me. I knew he was trying to decide what he was allowed to tell me.

"James and I were stopping a raid," he said slowly. "A Muggle neighborhood was supposed to be blown up tonight, but we put extra protections and drew them away. That neighborhood can't be touched for another twenty years."

He was so sure of himself. I wanted to believe his bullshit, but I knew there was no spell so powerful that it couldn't be broken down by someone determined and equally powerful, like Voldemort. The likelihood that Voldemort would attack the neighborhood himself was low, perhaps, but I didn't think it was completely beyond any of his followers, either.

Bellatrix, for example.

"How was Aludra?" he asked.

"She was all right," I said, a bit annoyed by the change of subject as he moved closer. "Missed her father, obviously, but she gets like that every time you leave. She'll get better when she gets older, unless of course you keep spoiling her absolutely."

Sirius snorted.

He liked to deny that he spoiled her, but he knew as well as I did that he was already wrapped around her finger.

"Has she done anything interesting while I was gone?"

"I fed her," I said with a shrug. "She played with her dolls for a while, had an easy burping. I was going to put her down to sleep if you hadn't come home when you did. She was getting very sleepy."

Sirius frowned.

Neither of us particularly wanted to have her go to sleep before he came home, but some nights he was out so late, and she was starting to keep more friendly hours to my own sleep schedule. It was something I was going to have to start doing at some point, putting her to sleep while Sirius was away.

"This is going to get harder, isn't it?" Sirius asked, wrapping an arm around me. "I mean, I knew it was going to be hard when I signed up, but when I signed on to the Order, I didn't think we'd have a child to think of."

"Do you regret it?" I asked, a bit nervous.

I knew he loved Aludra. That wasn't even a question. But did he wish we had waited, that we'd been more careful?

He blinked at me.

"How can you even ask that?" he said. "Would I have preferred the war to be over before bringing a child into this world? Yes." I bit my lip. "But Amy, I am so happy that we've had her now, because the more I learn about this war the more I realize that it could be years, decades even, before it's all over. And I don't want to wait thinking we've got plenty of time and then finding out that we don't."

Translation: he didn't want to die and leave me with nothing but a ring and a Gringotts account. Aludra was a piece of him, just as she was a piece of me, although she looked nothing like him, and looked less and less like she would every day.

I sighed, standing again, and Sirius stood beside me.

"Amy, what's wrong?"

I closed my eyes.

"Sometimes," I admitted, "I think about what I'm going to do if you don't come back. I think about what I would tell Aludra about you, how I would explain how much you love her. And sometimes I think of what to do if something happened while you aren't here."

"Amy…"

I shrugged his hands off my shoulders.

"You're not always here, Sirius, and you can't be," I said firmly. "And I can think of half a dozen Death Eaters just off the top of my head that would kill or hurt me and Aludra if they could, just to hurt you. This house might be very safe, but nowhere is completely safe."

Sirius shook his head, pressing his forehead to mine.

"They wouldn't kill you, Amy."

"Sirius, you think highly of us, but-"

"No," he said, frowning. "No, I mean that if I'm right, they don't want to hurt me. They want…they want to recruit me, still. I think especially now that we've had a child."

I raised an eyebrow. I was trying to follow his train of logic, but it was evading me. I opened my mouth to ask what he was saying, but he explained without my asking.

"We're purebloods, Amy," he said. "We're married purebloods who are capable of creating more pureblooded children, heirs and brides for heirs of other houses." From the acerbic tone of his voice, it made him just as sick to think of our daughter in that way as it made me to hear him say it. "And we're both very talented. We're likely to create talented children as well. If they turn me, promise protection of you and the children, think of what they gain. But if they kill you, even if they keep Aludra alive, think of what they lose."
I hadn't thought of it that way, mostly because it was sick and twisted, but he was right. They had no incentive to kill us. Torture me to make a point, perhaps, but kill us?

"I'm not sure that makes me feel any better," I admitted, turning away from him, but Sirius stopped me.

"I didn't say it to make you feel better Amy. I know it's shit, what we have to deal with."

I shook my head. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps it was true, that this was just what we had to deal with, but I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to have to live in this world, in this war.

"Amy," he said, pressing his forehead to mine again. "Kiss me, please."

The whine in his voice reminded me just how long it had been since we'd last had sex, and the way his fingers traced my skin as he lifted my shirt made me wonder why it had been so long. I did as he asked without hesitation, pressing my lips to his.

Every time got better and better, I mused as our lips parted long enough for him to pull the shirt over my head again, pressing me against the wall hungrily.

"You tease me so much," he growled, pressing his lips to my jaw. "You always look so beautiful right when I'm least able to touch you, to hold you. And I swear our daughter's in on it, crying every time I manage to get close enough to have you."

I sighed, tossing my head back as he pressed kisses down my neck. I really didn't mind that my head had hit the wall rather hard, not while he was running his fingers up my stomach to my breasts, his touch feather-light.

"I don't care if she cries the whole time," Sirius said in a low voice. "I'm going to have you, right here and now, and you're not going to make any excuses."

Excuses were the furthest thing from my mind, and I made this as clear as possible by tugging at the hem of his shirt. He helped me get the shirt off him, and we became frenzied, a blur of removing clothing before he pushed me against the wall again.

We'd not made much of a habit of sex like this, standing up for one thing, against a wall, but still my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist and a moment later he was inside me, like this was something we'd done so many times that it was routine.

How I wished we could have such a beautiful routine.

"Fuck," he hissed. "Fuck, I had almost forgotten how…how…"

I kissed him to shut him up. I really didn't care much for dirty talk, especially when it would make me blush and ruin the mood.

Sirius got his wish and Aludra did not cry, not the first time we had sex against the wall, nor when he took me on the sofa. He carried me to bed, pulling me on top of him, my head resting on his chest like we'd often fallen asleep when we were first sleeping together.

"I love you," he said kissing my head. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," I sighed, stretching slightly with sleepiness.

"I'm never going to let anything happen to you," he muttered, his eyes already fluttering closed.

No matter how many times I asked him not to make impossible promises, he couldn't seem to help himself, so I'd more or less stopped asking. I let my neck relax as my ear pressed to his chest, the sound of his heartbeat lulling me toward sleep. I wished we could have more days like these, more days where I could fall asleep in his arms, peaceful and contented.

Just as I was starting to fall asleep, though, Aludra began to cry.

"I'll get her," Sirius muttered, trying to pull himself up in spite of obvious exhaustion, but I shook my head.

"I'll do it," I told him. "You sleep. I'll be back soon."

He was asleep again before I'd made it out of the room.