Chapter Thirty-Three

In the early hours of what was likely the most important day of his life, Jack stood in solitude on the balcony and stared up at the stars. After tossing and turning for what had seemed like hours while sleep remained elusive, he'd climbed out of bed and wandered restlessly around the flat. Stargazing usually helped to settle his mind and put whatever was troubling him into perspective, but on this particular occasion the night sky provided little solace.

Dressed in only his bathrobe and a pair of Ianto's slippers, the cold soon got the better of him, forcing him to retreat back inside. Not wanting to disturb Ianto by returning to bed, he settled on the sofa, tilted his head back and exhaled a weary sigh.

Ianto's sudden and unexpected marriage proposal had simultaneously stunned and delighted him, and he'd been on cloud nine ever since. This was his dream come true, and he hadn't wanted to wait a moment longer than necessary to tie the knot. He'd practically dragged Ianto to the city hall register office the next day to give notice – since UK marriage laws mandated a twenty-eight day waiting period there hadn't been any time to waste. With that in mind, they'd booked their ceremony for the Friday afternoon of the second week of April, just shy of five weeks since his birthday and Ianto's proposal.

They'd both wanted to keep things simple and low-key, so they'd decided on a gathering at their flat afterwards, enlisting the help of their friends and family to organise the event. Ianto didn't have the money for a lavish wedding, and he wouldn't have been happy with Jack footing the bill for everything. Neither of them wanted that anyway, and Jack had attended enough big wedding events to know that he wanted his own to be a simpler, more informal affair. Ianto had made a wedding cake, Jake had volunteered to be their photographer, and Rhiannon had taken charge of the food and drinks. For their honeymoon, Jack had booked them a luxury suite for the weekend with all the trimmings at the St. David's Hotel. It was the best they could manage with Ianto's commitments at the bakery, but he hoped to convince Ianto to take a week off in the summer so that he could whisk them away to Paris for a proper honeymoon vacation. He knew how much Ianto yearned to visit the romantic city again, and he wanted to share the experience with his soon-to-be husband.

Now, finally, the day that he'd wanted so desperately had arrived. He was supposed to be bouncing off the walls with excitement. Instead, his euphoria had given way to a bout of nervous anxiety, and he suddenly found himself plagued with doubts. He'd pursued Ianto relentlessly, rushed head-first into a relationship, wanted to get married and pushed for them to move in together, then insisted on the shortest engagement possible. He and Ianto belonged together, of that he had absolutely no doubt. Ianto meant the world to him, and even now, just shy of a year since they'd first met, he was still amazed by the depth of his feelings for his beloved Welshman. None of his doubts were about Ianto. His doubts were about himself. In a little over twelve hours, he would be taking responsibility for Ianto's well-being and happiness for the rest of their lives. The enormity of that commitment had finally struck home, and he couldn't help wondering if he was truly ready... if he could be everything Ianto needed and deserved.

He'd tried to work through his feelings with logical detachment. People got married every day... most of his friends were married or engaged... his younger brother was happily married. He refused to believe he was lacking in some essential quality that other people clearly possessed, and he hated being so unsure of himself at the eleventh-hour. It wasn't in his nature to doubt or second-guess his choices, but the fear of letting Ianto down was like a cold fist around his heart. He was beginning to understand why weddings drove otherwise perfectly rational people crazy. Fortunately Ianto didn't suffer from the same affliction, remaining his usual unflappable self and sleeping peacefully in their bed at this very moment. Jack supposed that he had enough anxiety for the both of them.

Laughing at himself, both at his idiocy and the inescapable irony of the situation, he leaned back and closed his eyes, trying to push the turmoil from his mind and focus on more positive thoughts.

"Jack? Are you all right?"

He opened his eyes to find Ianto standing a couple of feet away, wrapped up in bathrobe and slippers, Moses sprawled languidly in his arms. Barely awake, sleep-dishevelled Ianto was all kinds of adorable, and Jack couldn't help smiling at the sight. "I'm fine. Just couldn't sleep."

Ianto nodded, cradling Moses in one arm as he placed the other hand over his mouth to smother a yawn. He sat down beside Jack and settled Moses on his lap. Moses produced a yawn of his own, then stretched himself out across both their laps, purring happily as they stroked his furry body.

Jack nudged Ianto's knee with his own. "You should go back to bed. Get some more sleep."

Ianto shrugged. "I'm up now. Anyway, I'd rather sit here with you." Even in the dim light and still shaking off the vestiges of sleep, Ianto's gaze was unerringly perceptive. "Wedding day jitters?"

Jack sighed and nodded. "Yeah, a little. I think it's all kind of caught up with me." He wrapped an arm around Ianto's shoulders and drew him closer while continuing to stroke Moses. It was several moments before he mustered the courage to voice his fears. "Ianto, what if I'm not a good husband to you?"

Ianto lifted his head from where he'd rested it on Jack's shoulder. His eyebrows drew together in a frown. "What makes you think that?"

Jack paused uncertainly, not sure how to put his doubts into words without sounding crazy. "I guess I've been so fixated on wanting to be married, I haven't stopped to think about what it really means." He almost failed not to flinch, knowing how bad that must have sounded. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I want us to be married more than anything. It's just that..." With a frustrated shake of his head, he sighed again. "I'm scared I guess... scared I'm going to disappoint you."

Ianto's calm countenance remained intact. "I wouldn't have proposed if I'd had any doubts about being married to you."

Jack frowned. "But how can you be so sure?"

Ianto studied him for a moment. "You're a fine man, Jack. You're going to be an amazing husband, just like you're an amazing friend and an amazing boyfriend. That's who you are. You don't do anything by half measures." A small smile passed over his lips, softening his solemn expression. "I've never been happier than when I'm with you, and I can't stand the thought of not being together." Still showing a hint of a smile, he raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that enough?"

Ianto's words and their sincerity eased some of the tightness in Jack's chest, although they didn't entirely quell his fears. He squeezed Ianto's shoulder and nodded. "Of course it's enough. More than enough."

Ianto gave him another gentle smile, but as he stared into Jack's eyes, the seriousness returned to his features. "We could always put it off for a bit. If you're not ready?"

Jack was ashamed that a part of him almost wanted to say that it might not be such a bad idea, even though it wasn't what he actually wanted. He knew that this was just his fear getting the better of him. He also knew that postponing would sow a seed of doubt between them, no matter how much Ianto would reassure him otherwise. Looking back, it was nothing short of a miracle that they'd gotten to where they were now. Especially when less than twelve months ago, Ianto had thought of himself as strictly heterosexual and hadn't so much as considered kissing another man. He shook his head emphatically. "No. I don't want to do that."

Ianto held his gaze, probably searching for any sign of uncertainty. Then he rested his head back on Jack's shoulder and slid one of his bare legs over Jack's. "This is new for both of us. It's natural to be scared... to have doubts. I worry too. About being what you need from a partner... about disappointing you. Maybe that's inevitable. After all, neither of us is perfect. No marriage is perfect." Idly rubbing his leg against Jack's, he paused before speaking again. "But the fact that we're talking about it bodes well, I think. It means we're going into this with our eyes open."

They weren't exactly the most reassuring of words, but Jack appreciated Ianto's honesty. He could always count on Ianto not to sugar coat things or make unrealistic promises or hollow reassurances. And knowing that he wasn't alone in his insecurities helped. They'd make mistakes, they'd argue and disagree. Ianto was probably right and they would disappoint and let each other down at times. But whatever happened, they were in it together. They'd have to learn from their mistakes and figure things out along the way, just like any other married couple, he supposed.

"You're right. After all, marriage isn't a fairytale." Jack stared down at his right hand and the ring adorning his finger. He often found himself simply staring at the innocuous band of silver and stroking it with gentle reverence, almost as if he didn't quite believe it was real and needed reassurance that it was. "The thing is, in the past it's just been about me. If I screwed up or failed to put in my best effort, the only person I disappointed was myself. But it's like you said, nothing and no one is perfect, and it's foolish to think otherwise." He squeezed Ianto's shoulder. "Although, when it comes to us, I like to think we're pretty damn close."

Ianto's response was a sound somewhere between a derisive snort and a wry half-laugh – the audible equivalent of one of his expressive eye rolls. "The times when you've disappointed yourself. You did better next time, yeah? Or at least tried to?"

Jack didn't need to think about his reply. "Yeah, of course. I've always tried to learn from my mistakes."

Ianto shrugged against him. "There you go, then. That's all any of us can do."

Again they weren't the most reassuring of words, but Jack understood and appreciated the matter-of-factness of what Ianto was saying. Ianto knew what he was getting into, knew that Jack could be a handful at times. He knew that Jack wasn't perfect and would make mistakes. But none of that mattered to Ianto, so perhaps it didn't need to matter to him either.

He kissed the top of Ianto's head. "Lucky for me I'm marrying a very wise and clever man. I just hope I don't fall to pieces when we're standing in front of the celebrant. How can you be so calm?"

"Would you prefer me to be hysterical? I can do hysterical." Ianto sounded amused by the notion.

"You know, I'd pay to see that." Jack chuckled, trying and failing to conjure up a mental image of Ianto in full-blown hysterics. "But I don't think you could do hysterical if your life depended on it. Which I'm particularly grateful for at the moment. At least one of us needs to keep a level head."

Moses chose that moment to look up at them with a jaw-stretching yawn. They both chuckled and resumed patting him. Ianto lifted his head, and their eyes met again. "We could do something fun to help you relax?"

"Ianto, as much as it pains me to say it, I think I'm too anxious to enjoy having sex." Jack sighed regretfully.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "You've got a one-track mind. I'm starting to think you might be addicted."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Despite his indignation, Jack couldn't quite manage to keep a straight-face. "Anyway, you can't talk. You're as bad as I am."

"I know. I blame you. You should come with a warning label. Prolonged exposure may lead to sexual addiction." A hint of a grin played across Ianto's lips. "But I wasn't talking about sex. I was thinking we could make some hot chocolate and watch one of our favourite Bond's. We've got some of those little mini-marshmallows you like."

Jack laughed and kissed Ianto soundly. "See? I knew there was a reason why I decided to marry you."

###

Ianto watched as Jack tried, unsuccessfully, to knot his tie for the third time. After making a small adjustment to the position of his own precise knot, he stepped around behind Jack and gently replaced Jack's hands with his own. "Here, let me do that."

Jack sighed and nodded, dropping his hands to his sides and meeting Ianto's eyes in the mirror. "I'm a nervous wreck. Even my hands are shaking. My hands never shake."

"Well, you've never gotten married before, either. There's a first time for everything." With practised ease, Ianto transformed the length of pale blue silk into a full Windsor knot and straightened it against Jack's chest. "There we go. Perfect."

Smoothing out the shoulders of Jack's suit jacket, he kissed Jack's neck and stood back to admire the result. They'd bought new clothes for the occasion and Jack looked stunning in his tailored charcoal-grey suit, crisp white shirt and pale blue tie. His own attire was similar except that his tie was a soft pink and his suit, while almost the same colour as Jack's, had a slightly different texture along with a subtle pinstripe.

Jack turned around and gave him a weak smile. "Sorry I'm such a mess." He reached up his hand as if to run it through his hair, then dropped it again, obviously realising that he'd mess up the style he'd so painstakingly achieved. "If you weren't having second thoughts before, I bet you are now."

"It's just pre-wedding nerves, Jack. Remember the state Rhiannon was in before her wedding?" Ianto grasped Jack's unsteady hands firmly in his own. "Are you sure you don't want Owen to give you something?"

Jack shook his head. "I've never taken anything for anxiety in my life. I'm not going to start now. Besides, I don't want to walk down the aisle hopped up on pharmaceuticals." Squeezing Ianto's hands, he took a deep breath. "I'll be fine. As long as I have you beside me."

Concerned as he was about Jack's nervousness, Ianto also couldn't help but find it strangely endearing. It was so out-of-character for the supremely confident man, yet it was also a reminder that there was so much more to Jack than met the eye. Their conversation in the early hours of the morning was proof of that. Jack's many varied and contrasting facets made him the man he was, and Ianto wouldn't have wanted to change any of them.

As for himself, he continued to feel remarkably calm. He'd been a bundle of nerves when he'd proposed to Jack, but from the moment he'd slipped the ring onto Jack's finger, he had been relaxed and at peace with his decision. He knew Jack was the person he was meant to be with, as surprising and unlikely as that was. He also knew that Jack felt the same way about him.

He brushed a kiss against Jack's lips, being careful not to crease their suits. "Just try to think about the fantastic night we're going to have at the hotel. I intend to put that impressive stamina of yours to the test."

Jack raised his eyebrows, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Do you think you're up to the challenge?"

"Yep. After all, I've had quite a bit of practice." Ianto grinned and held Jack's heated gaze. "You never know, I might even outlast you."

A few days after their engagement, they'd talked about and agreed to get tested together, and the results had confirmed that they both had a clean bill of health. They'd always practised safe sex in the past, including with each other. Since that was no longer necessary, they'd decided that their wedding night would be when they'd dispense with protection for the first time. He couldn't deny that he found the prospect exciting. He loved the idea of sharing a level of intimacy and pleasure new to both of them, consummating their vows with an act that neither of them had experienced before or with anyone else.

He reached for the small box containing the pair of delicate white rose boutonnières he'd ordered from a local florist and picked up on his way home from the bakery. "Just one last finishing touch."

He carefully pinned a boutonnière to Jack's left lapel, then did the same to his own, checking himself in the mirror before turning back to face Jack. "What do you think? Not too much?"

Jack shook his head. "No, they're perfect." He stepped back, his eyes moving over Ianto from top to bottom and back again. "I'm about to marry the most gorgeous man in all of Wales."

Heat warmed Ianto's cheeks, but he smiled at Jack's flattery. "I could say the same. You look incredible, Jack. I'm a very lucky man."

Jack smiled and was leaning in for another kiss when a sudden pounding on their bedroom door caused them both to jump with surprise. "Oi! Hurry up, you two. You're meant to save the shagging for the honeymoon."

Ianto rolled his eyes, and Jack laughed. "We'd better not keep Owen waiting. He's liable to get cranky."

They made their way out to the living area where Owen, Rhys and Jake were waiting, all three of them looking smart in their suits and ties. Ianto was surprised, however, to see Jack's mum standing near the kitchen and talking to Rhys and Jake. Jack's father and brother hadn't been able to make the trip and Jack hadn't wanted to wait, but his mum had made the journey down from Scotland. She'd been at the flat earlier to help with the preparations for their reception party, but had gone back to the hotel to change for the ceremony. The plan was that they'd collect her on their way to the city hall.

Ianto hadn't known what to expect when Jack had brought his mum to the bakery the day before after collecting her from the train station. Laura was petite and elegant with the same blue eyes as Jack and straight, dark, shoulder-length hair. She looked younger than her age of sixty-two years, her attractive, oval-shaped face showing only a hint of fine lines beneath her flawless make-up. Laura didn't seem to share Jack's natural exuberance, but she was polite and forthright, with an easy smile not dissimilar from her son's.

Jack had confided that his relationship with his mum wasn't particularly close, more so with the years they'd been living so far apart. Laura didn't approve of some of his choices, his decision to pursue a modelling career being at the top of the list. She had also lamented his reluctance to find himself a partner and settle down. By all accounts, Gray was considered to be the more respectable and level-headed of her two children. Still, that had changed now, and Jack had seemed pleased that she was here for their wedding. According to Jack, Laura had been overjoyed by the news of their engagement and was quite taken with Ianto, deciding that he was the sort of stable, grounding influence her wayward son needed.

Laura's eyes lit up when she saw them. "Oh, my. Look at the two of you. You both look so handsome." She reached for her handbag on the kitchen counter. "Just let me get my camera."

Jack frowned. "Mom, what are you doing back here? We were supposed to pick you up at the hotel."

Camera in hand, she gave Jack a mildly reproving look. "I was worried about you, Jack. I know it's a big day, but I've never seen you like this before. I decided to come back and check on you." Giving Ianto a quick smile, she moved closer and peered at Jack with a worried frown. "Are you all right?"

Sensing Jack's tension, Ianto hastened to answer. "We're fine, Laura. Just a bit of pre-wedding nerves. Nothing to worry about."

He flashed a warning glare at Owen, who looked like he was about to interject with one of his typically sarcastic comments. Owen smirked, but he wisely kept silent.

Jack sighed. "We're fine, Mom. Really." He managed a smile. "You look wonderful. That's a beautiful dress."

Laura smiled with the compliment, but she was still looking at Jack with a sceptical expression, as if she didn't trust her impulsive son not to do something rash and sabotage his own wedding.

She was just being a concerned mum, but Jack was clearly becoming exasperated with the four pairs of eyes scrutinising him with expressions ranging from concern to amusement. Ianto tried to redirect their attention. "Some photos are a lovely idea. Where would you like us?"

Jake came to their rescue, stepping into his role of wedding photographer. He held out his hand for Laura's camera. "Why don't you let me do that? Let's get some photos of you with our two handsome grooms."

They dutifully posed by the living room's large windows with Laura between them, then on their own, and lastly flanked by their two best men. Rhys wanted a photo of him and Jake together, and Jack obliged.

Rhys grinned at him and Jack. "We'd better get a move on, mates. Can't have you late for your wedding. Ianto would never let me hear the end of it."

Ianto turned to Jack and squeezed his hand. "Ready, Jack?"

"Ready." Jack took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, opening them again with a strained smile. "Let's get married."