Chapter 11: Paradox
Jacob and Bella were going over all the final details with Barry and Monica. Those three stopped every few minutes to say how much they were going to miss each other. He promised them they could visit anytime. He'd even spring for the tickets. Monica was being begged by her mother to move to Portland to help care for her ailing grandmother. At first, Bella suggested, maybe she could move to Portland and help out Monica if she moved and then she and Ace would be a lot closer. Jacob had lost count how many times he said "no, not good enough" throughout the week.
They had to live in Seattle, with him. He wouldn't settle for anything less. Of course, convincing his wife was another story. He had to get her over the shock he cheated, then that he had a son, but still convince Kaleigh he was committed to her. He'd thought a lot about the promises he'd made. He vowed to love, honor and cherish Kaleigh. He knew that entire time, he also had a lifelong bond with Bella. Maybe he was lying to himself that he could be everything to all the different people in his life. It didn't matter what happened to his reputation, he was going to do right by his boy. He also had to protect him along with his mother.
He started paying attention to the conversation again. "Are you sure, Bar? I can get the rest packed up."
"No hun, I know what's important. I'll get it shipped out Monday morning." Bella had two giant pieces of luggage. He was shocked she could fill a bag that big with baby clothes, but she did. He kept telling her he'd buy everything they needed as soon as the got there.
"Make a list, Bells. I'll get it."
"What should we do with all the things I have here?" Bella said her co-workers threw her a shower right before Ace was born and that's how she acquired the swing, the bouncy seat and most of the clothing.
Monica said she should donate the things she wasn't taking to a woman's shelter. They agreed that was the best solution.
He tried like hell to switch flights to a later one Friday night. That flight was sold out. He was able to get Bella and Ace seats in coach on the afternoon flight. That was one of the reasons they were going over the plan. He would be in business class with Mack. That meant, he and Bella would pretend to be strangers on the flight. He hated it. He was already really worried about it. She'd never flown with Ace. He hoped it went smoothly for them, but he couldn't risk checking on them. Mack would be on his damn phone as soon as they touched the ground.
Barry and Monica asked if they could take Ace on one final stroll around the neighborhood. He suspected they were giving them one more opportunity to iron out some other details. The stroller was one thing Bella said had to go with them. The infant carrier fit inside it and she could push the baby all the way to the plane entrance. The crew would store it and set it up for her at the exit.
Bella was more stressed than she was letting on. He could sense it. She was leaning over the counter working on her checklist. He saw her roll her shoulders every few minutes, always followed by an eye rub. Jacob resisted that first night. He didn't go inside her room. He still wanted to know why she was crying, but he'd kept an appropriate distance. He thought back to their friendship, the way it was in the beginning. She was comfortable with his physical nature. In fact, he was almost certain she liked it way more than she ever let on despite her relationship status at the time.
He stopped second guessing himself and offered a friendly gesture. "It'll be fine, Bells. Relax." Jacob was only going to rub over her shoulders a few times, but his touch did something to both of him. He felt like a zap of static electricity run up his arm and she jumped like he scared the life out of her. Bella took a giant step back. She looked at him like he'd lost his mind for touching her. He studied her closer. She was breathing heavier and her right hand went up to the back of her neck. She was kneading the area herself.
"Sorry, you looked tense. Did I rub too hard?"
"No, you just surprised me and I'm really sensitive right there." She was still massaging the same spot.
He didn't remember her having a "sensitive" spot and Jacob knew her body, before he actually knew her body. He'd given her plenty of neck rubs. "Where? Show me."
She shook her arms out and rolled both her shoulders. "No, I'm fine. I need to double check the list once more."
Now he was definitely curious. She was avoiding him for some reason. He didn't care what she said about it, he had to see. Jacob pulled her top off to the side and took a look. Bella jerked away again. "Stop it. I said it's fine."
He dropped his hands. Memories, flashes, feelings all came forth. He felt heat and painful tickling up and down his spine. No. That wasn't possible. It... it was... it wasn't though. He couldn't have marked her. That's not what he was looking at. Jacob grabbed her again. All the while, Bella was screeching and fighting him to leave her alone.
"Stop squirming, dammit. I need to get a good look at that." He also leaned in and took a deep draw off her skin back there. All this time, he'd been fooling himself. He kept thinking the mixture of his scent was all because of the pup in the room and Ace was practically hanging on Bells ninety percent of the time. That wasn't the case now. His scent was actually embedded there... in Bella. "Fuck." He growled as he released her.
Bella started downplaying it. "My skin's tender. I know you didn't mean it. It's not a big deal. Barry's the only one that ever saw it. I'm ready to grow my hair back out, no one ever has to know."
"I didn't bite you hard. It was barely a nip."
"I know. It was just a hickey or so I thought." She blushed profusely after bringing up their night together.
Jacob tried to remember that part more clearly. He swore he blacked out that moment for some reason. The scar didn't look exactly like Kim's or Rachel's, so maybe it wasn't truly a mating mark or at least, it didn't mean the same thing. It couldn't. Bella couldn't be his mate, not like what being a marked mate meant. He was a married man. He proved the wolf wrong, he was in control of his own life.
Suddenly, he was filled with a surge of intense rage. He was furious: pissed at Bella for messing up everything when she ran off to save Cullen, hatred for the tick and his family and that the supernatural cursed all their existences. Worst of all was how he felt about himself. Kaleigh didn't deserve to be pulled into this either. He screwed up long ago when Bella opened herself to him that night and he almost kissed her. That's when it happened, even though it should've happened the first time he saw her after the phase. He and Bella were unique. Sam and the others didn't believe him at first. The pixie ruined the near perfect moment and then Bella shut down and pushed him away. She chose him, that's why he promised himself, he'd never tell her the truth. He only wanted her if she truly wanted him. He held out hope until the very end, even there in the secluded spot after her wedding when they danced. He pleaded with his eyes. Just say, yes, Bells. That you don't really want him and want me instead. He would have confessed everything, but it never happened.
Jacob had to get some air. He was about to lose it, not knowing what it all meant. He tried to process what he thought it meant. Bella stepped in, she touched his arm. "Seriously, Jake. You're starting to freak me out. I don't know why you're getting so upset. It's fine."
"I need to... " He turned towards a door that led to a small backyard. She followed him, knowing what he meant. He was practically vibrating from the urge.
"You can't. There's too many neighbors, houses."
"Bells, step back. You know what could happen. I can't control it."
She stood firmly on the tops of his feet. "STOP! Yes, you can. You're stronger than that." Bella grabbed for his face, "Look at me. Jake, Atticus will be back soon. I know you're upset, but you're stronger than this. Calm down."
Jacob stared into her eyes... his imprint's eyes. She was the only one that could ever reach the depths of him. Bella rubbed up and down his arms several times before holding onto his hands. "Talk, no running away to go wolf. Why are you so angry?"
He growled, "Because he's a selfish prick. I hate him." Was it true? Did he hate the beast or the man or both?
Bella persisted. She wouldn't step away or back down. "No, you don't. He's part of you. I'm fine. You would never hurt me. We have our beautiful son. Isn't that what you said? He'll make it all turn out fine in the end. We have to believe together." She kept talking and he felt each word out of her mouth slowly pull him back, all the way human. He thought less and less of bursting out of his skin and more about wrapping himself around her. Jacob couldn't have a wife and a marked mate. He couldn't even tell Bella what that meant. He really thought it wasn't the same since it wasn't a full, deep impression in her skin, but now he was picturing making it legit. He was remembering what it was like to be buried in her. His mouth was practically salivating imagining doing it the right way and making her his permanently, so that no other man could ever touch her. She had calmed him fully. Bella was the one holding onto him. He returned her embrace and breathed her scent deep into his nostrils.
They stayed like that for a period of time by the backdoor. Eventually, she started to pull away before he was ready. She made the mistake of looking up. Once they were seeing each other fully again, he craved another kind of contact. Jacob closed the distance. He leaned in inch by inch. Bella looked bewildered, but maybe also desiring more than a hug. Her lips were all he could focus on, so much for days of being appropriate. He wanted to refresh his memory of her taste and nothing would stop him from crossing the line.
The door swung open, Monica announcing the obvious. "We're back." Bella practically ran to the other side of the room. Jacob turned around and stared outside again. Barry cleared his throat ten seconds to late to make the moment even more awkward than it was.
So busted. He should lie and say he was getting something out of her eye, but he continued to stand there like an absolute moron. Bella busied herself getting Ace out of the stroller.
Barry nudged her out of the way and did it himself. He picked up Ace and walked him straight over. "There, your boy filled his diaper while we were gone and that's why we cut our walk short. Why don't you handle it, Daddy, since shit moments are your specialty?"
"Barry." Bella said his name in a high-pitched, corrective way.
He grabbed her arm and said they needed to chat. Jacob didn't like her being touched by another male so soon after being in his arms, but he stifled a growl. He nodded, "I got it Bells. It's fine."
He already knew where everything was on the changing table in her room.
Barry and Bella disappeared into his room and he got started changing Ace. Ugh, filled was right. How was that even possible? He was so little. She'd always been next to him when he changed him. He hoped he didn't screw up or worse, get poop on him, but he remembered his training and it wasn't so bad. Ace was fresh and clean and the diaper was tucked away in the special diaper pail that supposedly kept out odors. He thought it needed dumping to the outside trashcan though. Jacob had a seat on the bed with his son after using a half a dozen wipes on his hands and arms too for good measure.
He felt the need to confess some of his problems to the nearest listener that would never reveal his secrets. "Little man, I'm in big trouble." Ace grabbed his lips and pinched them hard. Those lips, the same ones that wanted to kiss Bella so bad again, it hurt. Jacob hunted for a toy that would keep his son occupied until his mother was back. He wasn't going to spy, but Barry didn't realized how easy it was for him to hear his voice through the thin walls.
"What the hell was that?"
"Nothing. You wouldn't understand."
"Right, I wouldn't, because you were the one that waited too long. What's done is done. You lost him or he lost you, whichever it is. This is only supposed to be about the kid. I saw you firsthand this year. You're already setting yourself up for more heartbreak."
"Barry, drop it. You misunderstood what you thought you saw. Jake is Atticus's father, that's it. I'm doing the right thing, finally. Isn't that what you and Monica and my dad wanted?"
"We wanted you to tell him the truth, not move in with him. What he's asking is crazy. You know that, right? You're about to get caught up in the middle of a huge fight with his wife who we know nothing about, mind you. What if she's a psycho bitch?"
"Jake wouldn't be with a psycho. Look, I know it's weird, but you don't know him like I do and I understand why he needs Atticus with him."
He listened to more of their arguing. Bella held firm. Barry didn't know all of it. Jacob couldn't settle for shared custody like most normal people that weren't together. He wondered what things Barry had seen over the past year. Bella already told him how he made her feel. He apologized, she apologized, but were the words enough to get past all the hurt they'd cause each other? Ace threw down the soft book he'd gotten for him to play with him. He tried a few other toys, but nothing satisfied him. He could go from playful to extremely upset in a matter of seconds.
Jacob tried settling him down, but he only wanted his Mommy. Bella appeared in the doorway soon after the wailing. "He needs a nap."
"Oh, yeah, I figured and maybe a hit off the... " he circled his hands around his flat chest after handing him over to her.
Bella was amused. "Yeah, maybe some of those too. Well, I guess this is it. I'll see you tomorrow at the airport."
He really didn't want to leave, but there was no other reason to stay and he stopped sleeping on her sofa after that first night. It was too suspicious for Kaleigh's cousin. Jacob bent down and kissed his son goodbye. Bella managed to calm him down quickly, but he was frantically rooting around her chest region. He didn't want to deny him his special diet longer than necessary. Jacob brushed a stray hair from her face. He hadn't said it, but the truth was obvious from the beginning. "Um, one more thing, Bells."
She looked a little apprehensive. "Yes."
"It's just, you're a really good mother to our son. Thanks, he's a lucky kid."
"Thank you. That means a lot. I think he's very lucky to have two parents who would face any obstacle to give him a good life. You're a great dad too."
"I'll try. I know I'm already screwing up some. The first mistake was calling you a bitch in front of him. I should've never said that. I'm sorry."
"He's a little baby, I'm sure he won't remember."
"Yeah, but you will and so will I. No more blaming, no more excuses, let's just do our best for Atticus and take it one day at a time."
She held out her hand and he shook it even though it was far less than what they'd almost done earlier. Bella smiled. "You've got yourself a deal."
~Thanks for reading.
I have to give a shout out to Sassy on Tricky Raven. She put up a GIF several updates ago. She nailed it because it was from the kitchen scene in New Moon. That was always my intended moment for the imprint in this fic. Thanks so much for sharing, Sassy. Hint hint, I'd love to see it again.