The Past

Giselle barged into Killian's room at dawn the next day with little ceremony to find him sitting in the wooden chair by his bed, staring at the wall.

"You're awake," she commented, not sounding surprised.

The statement was so ridiculously redundant that Killian felt no need to flatter her with a reply. In truth, he had never even been asleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw only his mother's face, or his mother and Lord Alasdair together, or his young, stupid self crashing into his grandfather and setting off the horrible chain of disastrous events that had become his life.

"Breakfast?"

Killian turned to her in surprise as she brought a plate with a piece of bread and a hunk of cheese on it from behind her back. Her smile was too forced, he decided.

"Poisoned?" He inquired, turning back to the wall.

With a scowl, Giselle took a bite out of each bit of food before thrusting the plate at him.

"Ah. A peace offering," Killian observed, putting the plate on the floor and folding his arms.

Giselle shot him a murderous look, before sitting on his neatly made bed without invitation. Then, she got straight to the point.

"You'd better not be planning anything foolish."

Innocently, Killian turned to her, a falsely pleasant smile on his face. "Foolish?"

"I don't know what Lord Alasdair said-"

"Do you not?" Killian was surprised.

Giselle rolled her eyes. "Of course not. He would never tell me his plans. He's quite cautious, that way. Nothing can ever be traced back to him. However, I have gathered it had to do with your mother, possibly her death, possibly an affair... that man certainly knows just what to do to break a person, doesn't he? Quite the test he's devised for you."

Somehow, Killian didn't appreciate having his grandfather's cleverness rubbed in his face. He already knew that the man was too clever and manipulative for his own good. Wasn't that why the old bastard was still alive? Not that some of his loved ones hadn't been clever; rather, they used cleverness moderated by goodness, which could never compete with cleverness without morals to restrain it.

"However, I would appreciate it if you would tell me your plans," Giselle added sharply, interrupting his depressing musings.

"I have no plans."

"Of course you do. Whatever happened yesterday was unpleasant, clearly. Possibly unpleasant enough for you to do something rash." Giselle leaned towards him with a scowl. "I have worked far too hard at this for you to destroy everything now."

"Worked too hard at what?" Demanded Killian. "If you expect me to be straight with you, then I expect the same honesty in return."

For a moment, she only frowned at him. Then she sighed and started rubbing the bridge of her rather prominent nose, where Killian wondered if she was getting a stress headache. If he'd caused it, he was glad.

"I'm sure you're aware that I want Liam on the throne," Giselle said quietly. "And, at the moment, Lord Alasdair wants him on the throne as well; Liam is his own heir too, after all, and I think he believes that Liam would be more easily manipulated than our current king."

Killian snorted. "He really doesn't know Liam, then."

"No," agreed Giselle. "I don't know the particulars of this quest the king and Lord Alasdair have given him. Liam doesn't even know, yet. He only knows that he has been chosen for a task of great national importance, and that it's so important that he'll only receive details from the king himself on the day of your departure. I'm afraid I can't tell you anything there, but I can tell you this; if he succeeds, it will gather him great national acclaim and support. That is what will get him on the throne."

Killian sighed. "Liam won't want to be king, you do realize. He lives to serve our king and firmly believes that the king is honourable. Perhaps he is... I have no quarrel with the king. I have faith that he is as much of a victim of situation as we are, and perhaps as hopelessly manipulated by Lord Alasdair as well. Perhaps he truly has what is best for the realm at his heart. I sense that Lord Alasdair is the true villain here. Perhaps everything would right itself if he were gone."

Giselle groaned. "I knew it. You're plotting some ridiculous assassination attempt, aren't you?"

Killian shook his head. He didn't know what he was planning. He knew that he wanted Lord Alasdair dead, but assassination seemed cowardly and dishonourable. It was murder, and he had no desire to sink to Lord Alasdair's level.

"I want justice to be served," Killian said finally. "I want him to be brought before the law and atone for his crimes accordingly. I want everything to be revealed. Can you help me?"

He turned to her pleadingly, surprised by the request that sprang from his mouth without his permission. And yet, now that his brain had caught up with his mouth, he realized that it was the perfect solution. Giselle was in the realm's inner ruling circle. If anyone could reveal Lord Alasdair's crimes, it would be her.

Frown lines appeared between Giselle's eyebrows as she thought.

"He needs to go," she agreed. "I've known that for a long time. He has his hands in everything and is a danger to everyone. However, it will have to be done carefully, or we'll all lose our heads. We have to let him believe that we're on his side, and, then, when he's feeling most secure, hand him over to the law. Can you cooperate on this, Killian? Because, if you can't, we'll have no chance at all. You have to be on his side until the opportune moment."

"Yes," Killian agreed at once. "I will do what I have to do to rid the realm of him once and for all. Too many lives have been lost on his account."

"I agree," Giselle said seriously. "And perhaps, then, Liam could take Lord Alasdair's place. He would be an excellent king's advisor."

Killian nodded. "He would. And, who knows? The king has no heir... perhaps he would even consider naming Liam as his successor, if he knew his true identity."

"Telling him would be suicide," Giselle snapped. "Don't even think of it. Trust in the king's honour if it's easier for your conscience, but don't gamble Liam's life on it."

He shot her a murderous look. "I don't think you're one to lecture on gambling lives. In any case, Liam's life is my top priority, and suggesting otherwise is an insult. Any politics I discuss is simply to humour you."

"Well, I'm no longer discussing putting Liam on the throne, even though he belongs there-"

"Only because you want to be on the throne as well."

"-just because I am also humouring you. And don't you forget it."

Killian eyed his brother's girlfriend carefully, in all of her five foot glory. Sometimes he felt like she was more of a threat than Lord Alasdair. He couldn't read her, and it frightened him.

"So we're agreed?" She asked softly, drumming dainty white fingers on Killian's bedspread.

He nodded.

"Oh, and one more thing, Killian. Could you stop looking at me as though you want to wring my neck? It's somewhat disconcerting."

"If you stop looking at me as though I'm a pawn," Killian retorted.

"You are one," she replied coolly.

With a swish of fabric and a toss of her head, she was gone, leaving Killian even more disconcerted than before.

The Present

"Oi!"

Emma let out a shout of protest as Killian yanked her backwards by her hood.

"Ow! What the hell, Hook?" She snapped.

"Thinking hard is permissible, but not when you almost take your eye out," he drawled, gesturing irritably at the tree branch she had narrowly avoided.

Even though she knew that she probably should have thanked him, she didn't. "You almost strangled me," she pointed out instead.

"Oh, forgive me," he said sarcastically. "It was all I could grasp of you at such short notice. However, next time, I'll let the tree bash your eye in. Quite a pair we'd be then, I must say. Three eyes and three hands between us."

In spite of herself, Emma grinned. "I could get an eyepatch. It could be my new name."

Killian tilted his head questioningly.

Emma pointed at his hook. "You know. Hook." She pointed at her eye. "Eyepatch."

He raised his eyebrows.

"Come on. It was sort of funny," she chuckled.

His lips quirked.

"But, since you interrupted yourself this time, I have a question."

"I would say, love, that you walking into a tree was the interruption, not my intervention," observed Hook in amusement. "Still, by all means, please continue. But walk and talk, hmm? We've still got a lot of ground to cover."

"You were able to just take months off from work?" She questioned incredulously as she continued picking her way across roots, dirt, and annoyingly tall plants. "I didn't know that the Enchanted Forest had sympathy leave."

Hook looked slightly embarrassed. "I forget how little you know about the navy. I apologize, love. After completing the naval academy program, everyone is expected to put in a certain amount of time of service. However, each captain hires a crew for a voyage only; once the voyage is completed, you're free to go on your way. Of course, academy boys are more sought after and start in higher positions. Once you reach certain ranks, you started to be known and hired by captains in advance. That's why major promotions had to be approved by the king, and captains only became captains after the death of the current captain mid-voyage or by the king's appointment. Once one had the rank of captain, one tended to stay with a single ship and go on voyages as the king ordered. Liam was well-liked by the king, which was why he was able to beg some months off to stay with me as I grieved, although he still made some shorter voyages."

"Wait, when did he become a captain?" Emma demanded, stopping so abruptly that Hook almost crashed into her.

He prodded her ahead with a resigned sigh. "Perhaps a month after I became a Lieutenant. I was away with a different captain at the time," Killian explained. "And before you say anything, Swan, there are a lot of details to fill in. I would have gotten there eventually."

The Past

Preparing for the voyage, orders to the crew flew automatically from Killian's mouth. That is, until something caught his eye.

"Rum, sailor?"

Killian sighed as he confiscated the offending bottle from the unfortunate crewman, launching into a lecture about how drunkenness led to bad form, which would certainly not be tolerated.

The Present

Emma laughed out loud.

"Aye, the irony is plain to me," Killian acknowledged. "But, alas, I was still far too young and naive to realize the true value of rum."

He shuddered at the memory and, as if to beg the drink's forgiveness, took a swig from his flask.

The Past

The Jewel of the Realm was a beautiful ship. Liam had taken his brother aboard when he was first made captain of it, showing him every inch with the pride of a father showing off his firstborn. It was a new ship at the time, and one of the realm's best. Liam was its first captain, a role which he took as seriously as everything else in life. The moment he stepped foot onto the ship, he was all business: captain through-and-through rather than big brother. Killian watched in admiration. He even dreamed of having a ship of his own one day, although given the choice of having his own ship or being second-in-command on Liam's, he knew he would choose the lesser position every time. Perhaps it had to do with being the eldest child, but Liam had a natural air of command, as though he belonged in charge. Killian knew that Liam was the best choice for this quest, regardless of what it was; after multiple voyages, he had proven himself a worthy and honourable captain again and again. Killian was proud to be his younger brother and second-in-command.

Evidently, Liam was proud of him as well.

"My ship has never been in finer hands," he told him.

Part of Killian pushed the compliment away as something to boost his confidence. The other part sensed that Liam spoke the truth, and rejoiced in Liam's high opinion of him, which meant more than anything else in the world.

"A hero's journey", Liam had called it. The irony was not lost on his brother, in hindsight. If anything, the king's quest was Killian's anti-hero's journey: a journey that would start him on his path of darkness. Still, both brothers began the journey with a hopeful outlook. What was there to doubt? Killian had Liam: his older brother, his captain, his hero, his saviour, his guide. A great sail of pegasus feathers took them to another world, proving that magic and miracles were possible. Liam's gift to Killian to commemorate the journey, a sextant meant for the stars of Neverland, only added to Killian's optimism. Killian mused that it was only fitting that Liam, the only person to provide him with fatherly guidance since his own father's death, would give him something to help him find his way. Afterwards, it sometimes seemed as though Liam must have known that he was going to die and was giving his brother a parting gift to take his place in some small way.

Of Liam's two deaths, Killian almost couldn't decide which was more traumatic.

He first had the sinking feeling that something was wrong when Pan identified dreamshade as "the deadliest plant on the island". It wasn't difficult for Killian to believe that their king wasn't what he had hoped. Perhaps Giselle had known the true nature of their quest all along. Perhaps the quest was truly an attempt to set the brothers up as the two most villainous, heartless cads in the kingdom. It would be a great way to destroy the only two threats left to the monarchy.

In the end, Liam's blind faith was what destroyed him. By arguing, Killian imagined that he was saving his brother, not sentencing him to death. Nevertheless, Liam had always been one to go to great lengths to prove an argument and would never dream of risking anyone but himself to prove a point.

Liam had apologized as he fell, pale, into his brother's desperate arms. Killian still remembered his honest words to Pan as he literally begged him to save his brother's life, all pride forgotten:

"Please. He's my brother. He's all I have left."

Killian had lost everyone. The thought of losing his brother too was earth-shattering. He had endured all other losses thus far by leaning on the people that he had left. After Liam, who would he lean on? He would be absolutely alone. A world without Liam was terrifying: a void that could never be filled.

"Maybe you shouldn't have goaded him into it."

Yes, Pan had been right. Everything had been his fault. Liam's first death and his second. If he had told Liam of the untrustworthy nature of those he served in the first place, perhaps Liam wouldn't have gone to such extreme lengths to prove a point. If he had spent more time trying to decode Pan's cryptic "price" for saving Liam's life rather than sinking fully into the desperate relief of seeing his brother alive, his brother would have lived.

Instead, Killian lost his brother twice.

The worst part was his guilt and his inability to fully grieve. He was the captain now, and a captain could not show weakness, and so he watched his brother's body fall into the depths of the ocean with a stoney face that hid his slowly hardening heart from the world.

"We are sworn to serve the King and the realm. They sent us to retrieve an unthinkable poison, one that killed our dear Captain. Never again shall anyone set sail to that cursed land, and never again shall we take such orders: serving the King, fighting his wars! That is the way of dishonour, and all you who disagree, flee now or walk the bloody plank! For those who stay will be free men, and I will be your Captain. We'll sail under the crimson flag and we'll give our enemies no quarter. We'll take what we please! And we'll live by our own rules, for that is the best form of all! Our kingdom is corrupt and immoral. They took my brother from me, and now I'm gonna take everything they've got, starting with this ship! We now sail as the 'Jolly Roger.' And when they come for us, I want them to know exactly what we are: pirates! For at least among thieves, there is honour!"

The decision to become a pirate wasn't a decision, really. Rather, it was the result of loss upon loss and a desire for justice. The words slipped out of his mouth without his consent, but nothing had ever felt more right. If authority brought cruelty and dishonour, he would live a life without authority, and God help any man of dishonour who stood in his way.

He set the beautiful, snow-white sail of feathers alight - the sail of magic and possibilities and promise - and watched it burn.

The Present

Emma listened to the story of Liam's death with a thoughtful expression, only truly breaking it in response to Pan's taunts with a muttered "bastard". As Killian's voice, thick with anger and pain, trailed off, she turned to him questioningly.

"Why didn't you do what your brother was planning to do? Didn't you say the plan was to show everyone that the king was a monster and get rid of him?"

Killian scratched behind his ear uncomfortably, brooding silently for a moment as they walked.

"Liam would have been a great king," he said at last. "He was a natural leader, Swan: charismatic and just. Any revolution we staged would have landed him on the throne without a doubt, but I never desired to be king. I never even considered the possibility. I was the younger brother, and I didn't possess the same qualities as he did. I knew nothing of ruling a country, nor did I want to learn. My brother belonged on that throne, not me."

"But you weren't afraid to be captain of a ship," Emma pointed out.

Killian shook his head. "I certainly had some trepidation, but I knew that I could do it. I'd been training for it for quite some time. Ruling a country is something entirely different, and something I was wholly unqualified for both in terms of character and experience."

His voice was sad and resigned, but firm. Emma simply stared. He'd led a pirate ship for centuries, and yet seemed to have no faith in his ability to lead. However, she could see his point. Ruling a country and ruling a ship were entirely different. If anything, she respected him more for realizing that, especially at such a young age and under such emotional turmoil. It took a special sort of person to see power within his grasp and to push it away.

Glancing over at her companion, she almost told him as much, but she found that she couldn't when she saw his expression. A deep sadness seemed to have settled over him.

"I think Liam would be proud of you," Emma told him quietly.

Killian simply shook his head. "No. If I've been certain of anything since his death, it's that he would be disgusted," he said flatly.

Emma opened her mouth to argue, but Killian cut her off. "Swan, of the things I've done in my life, turning to piracy is the least of my sins."

She bit her lip, suddenly filled with even greater sympathy. She wondered briefly he was afraid to tell her the rest of his story, even with the knowledge that she was leaving for New York.

"Well, let me be the judge of that," she said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

He winced slightly.

"Hey. It's in the past. What you did doesn't matter now," she promised.

Killian shot her an incredulous look. She regretted her words almost instantly. If anything, their discussion was reminding her that the past mattered far more than anyone liked to admit.

"I was a little brat who ran away from home, stole from people, got pregnant at eighteen, gave birth in jail, and gave up my child," Emma reminded him quietly. "You can try to top that, but-"

"Oh, I will, Swan," Killian assured her with a self-deprecating smile. "I will."

Now that I've reached some scenes that we've seen on the show, I just wanted to say that I won't be going into them in great depth. You can assume that Killian does, but, as I'm assuming anyone reading this has seen the show, I'd rather focus on other things! Otherwise, I think I would get quite bored, and I imagine you guys would too.

As always, thanks for reading. :)