Chapter 4
Today was the day. Physical therapy. Ugh. Calling it "therapy" made it sound like she needed a shrink. She didn't need a damn shrink, she needed to get her damn legs working! If she had to spend another day in bed, she was going to lose her mind. Then she would need a shrink. The doctors had at least released her from the hospital so she could learn to walk again in the privacy of her apartment.
She looked around the room. It was still pretty bare. She hadn't added anything, and it still felt like Anderson's, not hers.
Anderson . . . .
She had learned only two days ago that he had died in the line of duty. He died how he wanted to, though. He died a hero. Regardless of his heroism or rank, it wasn't the hero she would remember. It was her Captain, the man, that she would remember. Her constant support when even she began to doubt whether she could succeed. And even now she couldn't mourn the fallen. Already she had to focus on the new mission of walking, and after that, take on her new role as an ambassador.
And to top it all off, she couldn't even meld with Liara. After all that had happened, it wasn't simple desire at this point. She needed Liara. She felt like she was cracking around the edges, like her foundation was crumbling beneath her feet. Perhaps it wasn't healthy, her need. Liara felt like an addiction. And right now she was going through some horrible form of withdrawal. It wasn't about sex. Sex she could survive without for the allotted eight weeks (or possibly longer, depending on the state of her ribs, spine, and legs). She just . . . she needed to share her hurt with Liara, she needed to feel Liara. She needed to feel something, anything. She could feel her emotions shutting down, she could feel herself shutting down. She didn't want it to happen, but it was happening nonetheless. After all she'd been through, she was a little surprised she wasn't in a damn looney bin. She hated the idea of burdening Liara, but part of her wanted to be selfish. She worked incredibly hard to not be selfish with Liara, but damnit, it was okay to ask things of one's lover sometimes, right . . .?
She slowly sat up and took stock of the room. She was alone save for an assistant mech standing silently in the corner, waiting for a command. Since she was still paralyzed from the waiste down and didn't want to make Liara do everything, they had used some of the donated funds from across the galaxy to purchase one. She hated the damn thing. It was efficient at what it did, but she hated being reliant on anything. Edi had actually offered at some point, but Shepard had quickly refused. She didn't want a talking mech, she just wanted one that could get the job done. Liara was nowhere to be found. She was working tirelessly on her "project" and she refused to say more on the subject. Shepard trusted Liara implicitely, but she still didn't like being kept in the dark. It worried her. She wanted to be there for Liara. Or perhaps Liara was simply taking Legion for a walk.
The sound of someone buzzing up startled Shepard out of her thoughts. She pulled up her omni-tool (newly installed after her last one exploded), to see Tali's face. Or rather, Tali's helmet.
"Tali, hey," she said, pressing some buttons. "Door's open."
"Thanks," Tali replied.
A minute later Tali appeared in the doorway holding a quarian helmet in her hands. She crossed to the bed and gave Shepard a giant, lingering hug with a whispered, "Shepard." She said it like a sigh, like it was a relief to be able to say Shepard's name.
"It's good to see you, Tali," Shepard said after Tali pulled back. "Sorry I'm not a little more prepared for company."
"Oh Keelah, don't be sorry. I wanted it to be a surprise, anyway. I asked Liara if I could have a little alone time with you so she's off with Shadow Broker stuff."
"Oh," Shepard said, a little downcast. She was happy to see Tali, but she was becoming increasingly unhappy about Liara being the Shadow Broker while pregnant with their child. It wasn't exactly the safest profession in the galaxy. Hell, it got the former Shadow Broker killed. Violently.
"I have something for you," Tali said, her voice hesitant, but determined. "I can't exactly link suits with you seeing as you're not a quarian, but I can link with this," she said and held out the helmet she'd been holding.
Shepard accepted it with a slightly confused look. Tali attached a hose to the side of it and paused, giving Shepard an expectant look.
"Oh, right. Sorry," Shepard said when she finally realized what Tali was doing. She wanted to link with Shepard. Shepard did make a promise, after all, and Shepard never broke her promises. She slipped the helmet on and secured it in place.
It was certainly an unique experience. The helmets were built for comfort, considering the quarians had to wear them their entire lives, which was a nice change from her N7 helmet. Not to say the N7 helmets were uncomfortable, but human armor was never built for comfort. It was built to take a hit. A lot of hits. She adjusted to the slight violet haze of the helmet, then looked at Tali.
"Ready," she said, giving Tali a "thumbs up." Tali attached the end of the hose to her own helmet and pressed some buttons on her omni-tool. Shepard heard a soft hiss as the air began circulating between Tali's suit and Shepard's helmet. The sweet scent of Tali hit her nose, a strange intimacy. Not unpleasant, just very different. She smelled of roses and pine trees after rain. She vaguely wondered if all quarians smelled like that.
"Keelah se'lai, Commander Shepard," Tali said softly.
Shepard found herself suddenly grateful the mask was covering her face. It was such a simple intimacy, and yet it grounded her. It made her feel strangely vulnerable, but not alone in the moment. She felt a tear burn its way down her cheek.
"Keelah se'lai, Tali Zorah vas Normandy," Shepard said, taking Tali's hands in her own.
"You know, I think you're the first human I've ever met who really understands quarian ways," Tali commented after a moment of silence. "Aliens in general, actually. I've never seen someone handle krogan as well as you do. Aside from other krogan, perhaps. That whole business with Grunt? I thought for sure he was going to kill you."
"Thanks," Shepard said sarcastically.
"Keelah! That came out wrong," Tali back-pedaled. "I just meant . . . I just wasn't expecting you to be so good with krogan . . . Keelah. I give up."
Shepard laughed. "It's okay, Tali. I knew what you meant."
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you, Shepard. Thank you for taking the time to get to know my people. Thank you for clearing my name. Thank you for uniting my people with the geth after three centuries of war!" she heard Tali's voice crack with emotion.
Shepard leaned foward and put her helmet against Tali's where their foreheads would have met were it not for indigo visors.
"I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, Tali," Shepard said softly. "It has been my privilege having a friend like you. I love you, Tali."
She heard a soft sob escape Tali's lips. In all honesty, Shepard was a little surprised at her own candidness, but the timing seemed appropriate. "I love you . . . C-Comander Shepard vas Normandy."
Shepard stroked her hand until Tali's sobs subsided. Then she said, "This is nice. We should have done this sooner."
Tali gave her a weak giggle. "I seem to recall you saying you were too busy or something."
"Filthy lies!" Shepard teased. "I didn't want you to get sick! Speaking of, is this going to make you sick?"
"I loaded up on every antibiotic known to existence. In fact . . . my fingers actually feel a little tingly. I didn't read the side effects on a couple of them."
"Oh my."
"Oh! I almost forgot. I got a tattoo," she said, pulling up her omni-tool. "Jack talked me into it, but I'm glad she did."
Shepard looked at the display and saw the N7 logo with Shepard's dog-tag number beneath. She again felt emotion surfacing and was again glad for the tinted visor. "You . . . Jack got one too?"
"I could only get one on my omni-tool, but Jack got a real one. Now that I think about it . . . she would probably kill me if she knew I told you . . . but yes. You know what? I don't care if she's upset. I want you to know how much we care about you. You should know. You need to know."
"Thanks Tali," Shepard said, squeezing her hands.
Tali sniffed. "So you're going to tell me when the wedding is, right?"
Shepard sighed. She knew that was coming. "I'm still waiting for the right time to ask. But I'll tell you the moment I do."
"You haven't asked yet? Why ever not?"
Shepard glanced down at her broken legs, then back up at Tali like it should be obvious.
"What, you think a couple of broken legs will matter to Liara? Do you not know her at all?" Tali scoffed. "And don't tell me it's about pride, because you're one of the most humble people I've ever met."
Shepard took a deep breath. If ever there were a time for confessions, it was now. The intimate setting seemed appropriate. "I am completely dependent on her right now. I just . . . I just need something to offer her in return. Right now I feel like it would be asking for her permission to burden her further."
"Keelah, since when did you start being angsty?"
"Tali, I'm serious," Shepard said, releasing Tali's hands in frustration. "This isn't just about what I want. How would you feel if Garrus proposed to you while lying paralyzed in bed?"
This caused Tali to pause. "I'm sorry, you're right. I'm not sure how it would make me feel. But I do know that I would be grateful beyond measure that he was alive."
"I just want to be able to offer up all of me to her, not a broken shell of me."
"Shepard," Tali said, her voice taking on a gently scolding tone, "whereas I sympathize with your feelings on the matter, know this. I can vouch for every single person on your crew when I say, we would gladly take a piece, just a single piece of you than none of you. When Liara came back to the Normandy holding you . . . Keelah I've never cried so hard in my life. We were all so afraid you were dead. Again. Only this time for real. And when your vital signs began to stabalize, when you began responding to Liara's voice, we cheered for you. You are our Commander! Just having a piece of you in a silly omni-tool tattoo makes me feel like you're always close, always watching over me. And you know what, Shepard? I am satisfied! And all I have is a damn piece! Believe me when I say, Liara knows how lucky she is to have you at all; broken legs, spine, face, and all!"
Shepard bit back a smile at the last words. Her face did look a little broken. "Thanks, Tali. You always seem to know just what to say."
"Hardly. You have a way of turning me into a blubbering varren."
"Why, Tali Zorah, do I intimidate you?" Shepard teased.
"Yes," she replied without hesitation. "You scare the living hell out of me. And I wouldn't have it any other way."