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Chapter 11

"What the hell was that?" Haymitch asks rubbing his temples. Peeta and I exchange a look but neither one us says anything. "Well? One of you better explain what is going on!"

This is isn't how imagined having this conversation but now I don't know how to avoid it. I want to tell Haymitch everything but Peeta is standing right there and I can't summon the courage.

"I didn't like the way she said it. I don't trust her… either of them. I really think I should train Azalea" I begin. That sounds safe enough.

"Well, whether you trust her or not, she's gonna get away with it, sweetheart. After Peeta's little show, there is no way you'll be alone in a room with Gerrit again" he says turning to Peeta.

"You heard what he said, Haymitch" Peeta says.

"Who cares what he said? It's no secret, what happened in the arena. Don't you see he was just trying to get under your skin? Out of all people, Peeta! I would have expected something like that from Katniss but from you?" he says exasperated. Peeta looks down in shame.

"And you? Why did you have to oppose to Peeta training Azalea?" he asks me.

I think before I answer.

"Like I said, I thought I would be better suited to train a girl than a boy. It's just common sense" I defend myself. To be completely honest, I'm not sure why it bothered me so much.

They both give me puzzled looks.

"Look, I don't care what issues you got with these kids. They're your tributes, you're their mentors. And from now on, it is to be your main focus to help them survive. You need to push your issues to one side" he says trying to calm down.

"Haymitch…" I begin but then I stop myself. I can't discuss this in the train. It could be bugged. "You know I have good reasons" is all I dare say.

He looks at me for a few seconds and I know he knows what I'm talking about.

"Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry but after what you both pulled back there, I don't really trust your judgment to be too sound" he tells me. I am confused. I know we can't talk about this here but he sounds serious when he says that. Does he know something I don't know?

"Are you really gonna do this because of a stupid little outrage?" I ask aggravated.

Haymitch's eyes look at me in a way that I don't really need an answer anymore.

"You both have a lot of maturity to show me before I trust you can handle more than your own personal problems" he tells me and Peeta.

Oh, God, please don't go there!

"Haymitch…" Peeta says with that wounded look on his eyes. I don't let him say whatever he was going to say. I don't want him to. I don't want to hear it.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I tell Haymitch and I eye him in a way that should suffice to say, 'we'll talk about this later'.

I'm sure Haymitch grasps my full meaning but he decides to ignore it.

"Look, kids, I know it's a lot to get married under the circumstances that you did" he says and he sounds more understanding "but there are bigger things going on here" he says and he lingers there as if to tell us there is more to all this than meets the eye. "So you guys need to…" and he makes an untangling motion with this hands "figure this out. I know this must be a little awkward and difficult" at this Peeta looks down and I raise my eyebrows as if to say 'ya think?' "but you really gotta pull yourselves together. Be the smart kids that together were strong enough to survive the Hunger Games" Peeta and I look at each other realizing we have both been a little immature. Me more than Peeta, I have to admit.

There is so much more that I want to tell Haymitch but I guess it's going to have to wait. I have so many questions. And if I don't get answers before we get to the Capitol, it will be too late. NO where is safe in the Capitol. But right now there isn't much else that can be discussed.

We all look at each other in mutual understanding.

"Be ready for dinner in two hours" he says and turns around to leave. I don't know what comes over me but as Peeta turns around to go without meeting my eyes, I know I cannot take this another minute. With or without Haymitch's advice, we are going to talk today.

"Peeta!" I call out in a way that sounds a little too desperate than I meant it to sound. It's almost a whimper.

Peeta slowly turns around, confusion plainly written on his face. He is expecting me to say, do something but I don't know what I am going to say.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. What would Haymitch tell me? I can almost hear him say 'Be nice to the boy. You could never deserve him'.

"I haven't been very nice" I state the obvious. My chest wants to explode with all the things I want to tell him but I am afraid. I decide to play it safe, let him answer to that, see what he says.

"Well, I haven't exactly kept my promise either" he says and I am confused. He sees it and explains further. "I've been acting wounded" he says without meeting my eyes. "I'll stop I promise" he says looking down at his feet. Leave it to Peeta to apologize when I've been the jerk.

"You don't have to" I say and it's my turn to look down in my lap. "It's not fair that I get to act the way I feel but you have to contain your feelings" I say and dare to look at him for a second, just to see his reaction, if it is safe to continue or not. His eyes examine me, almost looking a little suspicious. I know, it must be such a sight to see me yielding. But I have to think what I say or I could end up giving him the wrong impression.

"Katniss, it's not your fault that I have to complicate things, ok?" he says looking at me, sincerity in his eyes. His face has that humble kind look that just makes you want to give him a hug. He takes a deep breath. "Like I said, I'll try harder. You saved my life. It's the least I can do for you" he says plainly, as if it needs no more explanation.

But it still doesn't seem fair. He shouldn't have to owe me for life for me helping him. We really just got lucky that they let us both win. I wouldn't have given him a second thought if the rules hadn't been altered, and just that makes me feel guiltier. If one of us should have won those games, it was him. He's the better person.

"No, Peeta" I stop him as he is about to turn around and leave. I'm not sure what I'm telling him no for. Don't go? Don't hide your feelings? Don't be selfless for once? "I…" I what? What do I want from him? I don't know the answer to that question. How can expect him to behave in a way that won't make things weird when I myself don't know what I want, what would make me happy, what would put me at ease. And I realize my discontent has nothing to do with him. Peeta is perfect just the way he is and me trying to tell him how to be or not to be isn't going to make me happy or him. And I remember what I promised myself on our wedding day. To do what I could to make his life next to me as happy as possible.

"Peeta, I have just been under a lot of stress and I think I have been blaming you for it when all you have done is helped me stay sane" I say and I swallow. Wow, that felt great to get off my chest. I want the feeling to continue. I take a risky move and keep going with my train of thought. "And the truth is, I can't do this without you" I tell him and this feels unbearably risky. I feel so vulnerable, so weak. Why did I say that? Oh, too late. The words are out. I take a look at Peeta to see what his reaction is and he seems to be… touched? Ok, that seems about right. That's a good feeling, right? So that means what I said must have been the right thing to say.

He nods and smiles a tiny smile. "Alright" is all he says.

That's it? Peeta, the great speaker, has only one word for me? After I took a chance and told him something that might potentially cause me pain to have said in the future and all he has to say is ' alright'?

Does he mean to keep ignoring me still? Or is he going to go back to being supportive and a good friend?

"So?" I can't let him leave me like this.

"So I'll see you at dinner" he says with the same diminutive smile and walks out and closes the door after him.

My mouth must be wide open because my shock couldn't be greater. Did he just… did he just walk out on me after my declaration? I was expecting for him to go on a tangent where he tells me he will be here for me no matter what and take care of me and protect me and I half expected a hug, too. Some sort of reassurance that I didn't just make the greatest mistake of my life! I just opened up to him big time and he leaves me hanging like that? What kind of person does that? Doesn't he know how hard it was for me to do all that? He knows I'm not like him, that he just tells the whole country he's been in love with the same girl for more than ten years like he's talking about a bread recipe. I can't do that. He knows it. Why wasn't he more appreciative of my efforts?

I am tapping my foot so hard you must be able to hear it in the next car.

Well, if he is going to be like that, then his loss. We can go back to being the way we are. I don't care. He's the one who was acting all hurt and that's why I tried to make things better but if he's going to be like that than why bother?

But I know Peeta. He was probably just in shock after hearing me say those things. I am sure when I go to our room to shower and get ready he will somehow let me know how relieved he is to know that I appreciate all he does for me, to help me go through all this.

I am walking to our car, when I run into Haymitch.

"Haymitch!"

"Hey, sweetheart, did you and Peeta kiss and make up?" he teases me and I give him as deadly a look as I can. I need his help still because if I was confused earlier, I am more confused now. So I ignore his dumb question.

"Katniss, you gotta quit it with your mood swings" he says as naturally as if he hadn't just offended me. Where'd that come from?

"Excuse me?" I ask him.

"You may have fooled the country but I know you've been giving the boy a hard time" he says.

"I'd like to see you try being married to someone by force, and not just anyone, but someone who wishes it were real?" I snap.

"So you can only imagine how much harder it must be for him!" he exclaims a little exasperated at me.

I can't deny he's right but I'm not ready to tell him that.

"So then it must be easy for me to have to watch everything I do, right? Making sure that the next thing that is gonna come out of my mouth isn't gonna hurt him more? Afraid that I do something that could give him the wrong idea? I have to be on my toes every second of my life! If we're in front of the cameras, act in love. If I'm not, act cold! It's exhausting!" I sigh heavily.

"It shouldn't be…" Haymitch starts but I interrupt.

"What would you know!?" I snap angrily.

"I don't need to know! You don't need to act all the time you know? Why do you need to be cold around him? Do you hate him?" he asks me.

"No, I don't hate him" and this time Haymitch is the one interrupts me.

"So, then what do you feel?"

"I don't know! I don't know…" I say and I realize that it's true. I am confused about Peeta. But why? Shouldn't it be enough to know I'm not in love with him and that's it?

Haymitch raises his eyebrows at me and turns his head sideways.

"You… You don't know? Alright, well let's find out, shall we?" he sits down and pats the couch in front of him.

I suddenly feel very uncomfortable and I hug myself as I sit down.

"Do you care at all, whether Peeta lives or dies?" he asks and I look at him annoyed. What kind of stupid questions is that?

"Of course" I say as I remember the promise I made myself. "Peeta is a much better person than I am by a million years" I admit.

"I didn't ask you who the better person was. You already knew that back in the arena and still looked out for your life even though you knew he had risked his to protect you or could possibly be dying in a ditch somewhere, which in fact he was, and yet you still tried to save your own skin".

"I was thinking of my mother and Prim" I state honestly.

"Of course. No one would hold that against you. So let's go back to our original question. Do you care for Peeta?" he asks slowly as if I was slow.

"Yes, I care about Peeta" I answer annoyed. Why am I being interrogated?

"Ok, to what extent?" he asks carefully. I am regretting having come to him. He's half-drunk anyways.

"I don't know, Haymitch. What does it matter?" I throw my hands in the air in annoyance. It's really uncomfortable to talk to Haymitch about this stuff. I'm strongly considering just leaving the room.

"Do you wanna be nicer to your bread boy, yes or no?" he asks.

"Yes, but what does all this have to do with anything?"

"If you wanna know how to be nice to him, you need to know to what lengths you care about the boy, otherwise, you will never know if you are showing too much or too little. Your problem is that you don't know how to act around him because you don't know how much you care. So what is honest and what isn't? To know that you gotta know what your deal is. Cuz the truth is if what your actions dictate is hope, it's because there is hope. If your actions dictate coldness, it's because you could care less. There is no such thing as showing too little or too much, you just gotta know what is true. You keep driving Peeta crazy and confusing him because you yourself don't even know what's going on inside that pretty head of yours!" he preaches to me.

I am speechless. I am in shock. Haymitch's words have slapped me in the face.

Before I can stand up and walk away, he sees my intentions.

"Stay where you are or I swear…" he says menacingly and points his bottle of whisky at me.

I cross my arms across my chest. I don't like the turn this conversation has taken even though inside my mind there is a little something that tells me what he says is true so I stay put. He might be a little cruel but at least he's being honest. And isn't that what I want? Honesty? Help figuring out how I should be? So I do as he says and stay put.

"So tell me, how far you would go to preserve his life?" he asks me and takes a sip.

"I don't know Haymitch. I guess, I'd have to be in the position to know" I say uncomfortably.

"Then just be yourself, sweetheart. Stop watching your every word and every move and he'll know exactly, without a doubt, how you feel. Trust me, you'll leave him without a doubt" he winks at me and stumbles out of the room.

I'm not sure just how much I should listen to him but I did seek his advice and he's right. I love Peeta. And once I let my actions be guided by this non-romantic love, he will see that I care about him without getting the wrong idea.

It's fool-proof, right?

A/N: Or is it? ;)

There you have it : ) I apologize in advance, I will be out of town this weekend and I doubt I will be able to update : ( I am sooo sorry, guys! But I will try my hardest to see if I can squeeze in a chapter as soon as I have the chance. Regardless, please let me know what you think of this chapter! Every review makes my heart skip a beat! 3