A/N: Thank youuuuuuuu everyone who reviewed last chapter! Thank you to all your encouragement and suggestions. They were very appreciated and duly noted :) Enjoy!

Chapter 12

By the time I get to my room to get ready for dinner, Peeta wasn't there. I was relieved to see I would have some time alone to gather my thoughts and organize them in my head.

Haymitch had said I shouldn't guard my actions, after all they will be guided by my feelings. And that is exactly what I want to convey to Peeta. It seems simple enough.

Then I remember... I did try it before. Back in our honeymoon, on our first days and it only lead to disaster. But it does seem like nothing I do ever leads to anything that isn't disastrous. But this is what Haymitch advised and I have to try it. I have no other plan.

Last week I was having to do a mix between showing my true nature and acting for the cameras every single minute of the day. So I kept messing up and going back and forth between these two personalities. No wonder I drove Peeta a little crazy.

But that time is over. For the next weeks I won't be recorded all the time like last week and I shouldn't have to pretend too much except in the interviews. I hope this helps me settle things between Peeta and I.

After I shower and dress it is almost time for dinner. I walk to the dining car and find everyone is ready and sitting down. I search for Peeta and see both spaces by his side are taken. One by Haymitch, obviously avoiding sitting next to Effie- the only available chair- and the other by Azalea. I don't know what she is trying to accomplish by this but if it is to bother me I will make sure she sees I am not bothered. I won't let her get to me.

I take my place between Effie and Gerrit. DInner goes by but I account for very little as I am immerged in my own thoughts. Thoughts that puzzle over these two tributes, who, seemingly from completely different backgrounds, gave each other a knowing look when they shook hands, over Gerrit's resignation, almost could be called expectation, when he was reaped, the way his father looked at me when we met, the girl's insistence to be close to Peeta... It all seems connected somehow but I can't put it together in my head. And I know Haymitch has to know something. But he already expressed he won't say a word to me, at least for now. Perhaps he will once it's safe.

Could all of this have to do with the rebellion? I find it hard to connect but what else could it be?

I feel Haymitch's eyes on me but I act as if I don't notice. What I do notice is that Gerrit, just like me, hasn't said a word all night.

Dinner is over and the replay of the reapings of the other districts won't be for another twenty minutes so we all disperse for the moment.

I just want peace and quiet for now so I decide to go to TV room and just wait there. But no sooner I am sitting on the couch Peeta walks in and this time he makes sure to sit between me and the arm rest. There is something sweet about this action.

I am so overwhelmed by my worries that I lean sideways and rest my head on his shoulders. We just sit there for a bit and I begin to think of how much worse things would be if I had been forced to marry someone else.

What if it had been somebody who would try to force themselves on me? Or someone arrogant and self-centered? A million horrible possibilities run through my mind and I admit how lucky I am Peeta is who he is. And I want him to know this. I think about how I will go about this before I begin.

"I never wanted to get married" I plainly state. He doesn't respond for a few seconds but finally says:

"I know" he says ashamed.

"I mean, I never wanted to be married ever, to anyone. I always thought that way. I wanted to never fall in love" I explain and make a pause. "To me, it just seems like love leads to children and children only suffer. I never wanted to watch a child of mine get reaped and not be able to do anything about it" I confess.

"Really?" he asks a little incredulous. "It seems I was doomed to fail from the start then, huh?" he says lightly and laughs.

"I guess, what I wanna say is, Peeta..." I sit up and look him in the eyes and there is such vulnerability there. Like with a single phrase or word I could brake him. And I can. "Neither one of us wanted this, not like this. But, if I did have to be arranged-married to someone by the Capitol's wishes, at least I am glad it's you" I say and I know this is probably the single time I have been 100% honest with Peeta.

His eyes sparkle and they seem to hesitate... His lips part as to say something and I know, by his expression full of tenderness, that it is going to be profound but I never get to hear it because in that precise moment, Effie decides to grace us with her presence.

"Oops!" she giggles, "I hope I didn't interrupt something!" and by her playful tone and the relative closeness between Peeta and I, I am sure she assumed and is completely mistaken about what had been transpiring. I don't correct her. It doesn't matter what she thought.

Seconds later Azalea walks in and her face drops as she sees there is no space by Peeta. I silently feel triumph.

Within a minute everyone is settled and ready for the repeats. We watch as District after District defenseless children are chosen. Some stand out. District 9's boy tribute looks strong and like he could be trouble. There is something in the girl from District 6 that reminds me of Gerrit's expression. District 4, 2, and 1 have their usual Carriers and District 3 offers a boy in glasses, scrawny, and pale. His defenselessness catches my attention. The rest of the tributes just blur together.

I see Haymitch agrees with me as we later discuss the things we noticed about the other tributes. Peeta offers that the girl from 11, though thin, seems agile and not easily afraid. It is impossible to do anymore than speculate at this early stage but we know now who we should focus on... Who should be target to kill...

I feel sick as the reality dawns on me. We aren't preparing them for a race, or even a competition. We are preparing them to make sure 23 others die, including one of the two tributes in the room.

I get up and storm out of the room and I am not out before my ears recognize Peeta's familiar step a few feet behind me. He doesn't attempt to catch up; he doesn't attempt to stop me and I am grateful. I need to get away from all this.

My mind rushes to figure out the closest place of solace but comes up with none as I can only find solace away from here. So I just go to our room and look at the window.

The sight of the trees as we rapidly pass by calms me a little bit but a desperate yearning to reach out and hold on to them takes over me.

My chest feels hollow and I breathe deeply in a infertile attempt to fill it.

Peeta stands next to me and looks out with me for a little bit before taking my hand in his and endeavors a look at me. I don't need to look at him to know it is full of concern.

"Be strong, Katniss. We will get through this" he says and squeezes my hand. "It'll be over soon" he says unsure, because he knows these days will linger like no others. And I know that no matter how relieved I am when these games are over, in a year I will have to relive them. How can people stand this way of life? How can I?

I hug Peeta and a silent tear falls on his chest. Nothing has changed but I take a little comfort in knowing at least Prim should be safe and never be hungry again. I try to be selfish and not think about how that remedies nothing and there are so many other people still in those conditions. At least Prim is ok. At least she will have a chance at happiness.

This thought is comforting and I hold on to it because it's the only good one I have.

I ready for bed and lay down, trying to find sleep. Then I remember, I never got to hear what Peeta was going to say earlier. I open my mouth to ask but stop myself. I am sure he will tell me when he finds the right moment for him. Perhaps he thought better than to say it. Regardless, I will leave it up to him.

The next day we train. I am in a room with Gerrit and Peeta is in a room with Azalea. I ask Haymitch to swing by every once and a while and check how they are doing and he just laughs at me.

Training Gerrit feels like trying to train a wall. I talk about etiquette and he just looks at me and says nothing. I can't decipher what he is thinking and says nothing, not even assurance that he is listening. The afternoon is much the same, but this time I am explaining how sponsors work, how to get them, and why it is important to try your best to aim for as many as possible. I get as much response as I did in the morning session.

Since he asks no questions I am soon out of training material and I leave before he thinks better of it and strangles me.

When I see Peeta that night I fight the urge to interrogate him about his day with Azalea. But the picture of Peeta and her alone all day bothers me, not because of Peeta, but because I know she must have some agenda and it kills me not to know what her plan is. Surely, she isn't trying to enamor Peeta. She must know there is next to nothing that Peeta can do to save her, right? I battle with the thoughts of pulling her hair out during dinner.

The next morning we arrive at the Capitol. Azalea stands in awe as she takes in the grandeur of it all. She reminds me of Peeta when he first saw it, too. Gerrit resembles more what I looked like when I saw it.

They are whisked away to be officially examined by their stylists and beautified by their respective teams and I don't envy them. I am grateful that was taken care of on Reaping Day.

Tonight, they will be shown off to the Capitol during opening ceremonies and I wonder what Cinna will have in store for them. I remember our opening ceremonies and I am relieved I am no longer required to wear flames.

But for Peeta and I today means we have nothing in schedule until the ceremony and I am glad to not be watched, or filmed, for a few hours, to try to forget where I am and why. As I settle in our room Peeta orders an outrageous amount of food. When it arrives I see it is in a basket and comes with a tablecloth. I look at Peeta questioningly and he just replies:

"Wanna take advantage of the roof before the new kids discover it?" he asks with a smile.

I nod and follow him outside. We spread out the tablecloth and put the food basket on one side and we instinctively lay down together. He holds his arm out inviting me to use it as a pillow as I so often do and I accept.

I smile gratefully at Peeta. I need this. We both just need a few lazy hours, out and away from everyone, just Peeta and I. If I could have this, I think I just might be ready to take on the next few weeks.

A/N: There you have it! :) I will try to update tomorrow and I hope by then I can hear what you all thought of this chapter! Thank you and I love you all!