CHAPTER 31
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A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY UP THE AISLE PART 1
"I still can't believe that you're finally getting married at last, Clara. Then again I still can't believe that you're really an alien either," Angie said.
Clara had invited her and Artie to her house in the hours just before the wedding started along with various other friends and family members. They had all volunteered to come in order to help Clara prepare for the ceremony which was only hours away now, and Angie was currently doing her part by helping Clara with some last minute adjustments to her wedding dress that would hopefully actually make it possible for her to breathe while she was in it.
"Yeah, you're really not cool enough to be an alien. You don't have razor sharp teeth, cool powers, or anything that makes you stand out like the aliens do in the movies. Most of the time you look and act just like everyone else does. You're just kind of . . . boring," Artie said with a mischievous smile as he played video games against Merry instead of actually helping anyone.
Clara looked at him in complete disbelief as she said, "Excuse me? Boring? And what do you mean that my powers aren't cool? I can control people's minds, move things telekinetically, and read thoughts. In what universe is any of that not cool?"
Artie shrugged as he said, "Yeah, all of that is okay I guess, but it's not like you can do really amazing stuff like shapeshift into a giant monster, set people on fire with a single look, or suddenly grow a hundred feet tall. If you could do any of that, then that would be cool."
"Clara, the Doctor's on the phone. He says that he wants to talk to you about something. It's something urgent," Dave Oswald said as he walked into the room and handed her a cell phone.
Clara absentmindedly took it without saying a word as she continued to glare at Artie. It was obvious to a now giggling Angie that her brother had completely gotten under her skin.
He had always been very good at that sort of thing.
"Clara? Is that you?" The Doctor asked on the other end.
"Yeah," Clara said in a curt tone as the angry look on her face deepened the longer that she stared at Artie.
"Good. I thought that I'd never get ahold of you. There's some kind of temporal interference in the Vortex that's scrambling all of the TARDIS' systems including the phone. I thought that I should warn you about something ahead of time. I may not be the only familiar face that you see just before the wedding or at least I think that you will anyway if I'm remembering things right. I think that . . ."
Clara immediately interrupted him as she said in an irritated voice, "Yeah, shut up."
Then she turned to Artie and said, "I can travel in time and space and I can see the future too. How am I not a cool alien?"
Artie only smirked in response as the Doctor said, "Clara, this is far more important than whatever meaningless arguments that you're having right now with the humans."
"I said shut up. I'm in the middle of something right now so you're just going to have to wait a mo," Clara said in a brusque manner.
"And they say that I'm rude," The Doctor said in an annoyed voice.
That was when the rapidly growing smirk on Artie's face was instantly slapped off of it by a furious Merry.
"You hit me! You actually hit me!" Artie said in disbelief as he stared at her in shock.
"Yeah, and I'll do it again if you keep winding up my mum on her wedding day. It stops right now. Got it?" Merry said in a no nonsense tone.
Every bit of anger immediately drained out of Clara in that moment as soon as she saw the completely humiliated look on Artie's face. That was when she instantly dissolved into uncontrollable laughter that just caused Artie to become even more humiliated as a result.
"Now that's the coolest alien power of all. The power to make my annoying little brother shut up," Angie said as she too began to laugh now right alongside everyone else in the room except for the now absolutely mortified looking Artie.
"Clara? What is that horrible noise? It sounds like someone's skinning a Dalek," The Doctor complained on the phone.
"It's called laughter, Doctor. You might try doing a little bit more of it. You could use a good sense of humor in this incarnation, Old Man," Clara said with an amused look on her face.
She was answered by nothing but silence on the other end which made her sigh as she said, "Listen, I'm sorry for snapping at you like that. I apologize, okay? Doctor? Hello? Are you there?"
She groaned as she switched the phone off and said, "Must be the temporal interference. Now I'll never know what it was that he wanted until he gets here. Hopefully it wasn't too important."
That was when Tish's TARDIS suddenly materialized in the middle of the room making a strange sound that almost made it sound like it was breaking down.
"What's wrong with it? It's almost like it's dying or something," Merry asked in surprise.
"I don't know. I've never heard a TARDIS make a noise like that before," Clara said with concern.
It was a concern that Tish obviously shared judging by the look on her face as she stepped out of the TARDIS.
"So you're having trouble too, huh? The Doctor just called and said the exact same thing. We were cut off in mid call before he could finish telling me about it. Hopefully he'll be able to call back soon though," Clara said.
"Hopefully he can still get here at all period, Clara. That interference is really bad for some reason. I almost didn't make it myself. My TARDIS was actually having problems materializing," Tish said in a concerned tone.
"Oh, please don't tell me that he's going to be late to his own wedding. That would be just like him," Clara said with a frown.
"I don't think that it's his fault, Clara. Something's wrong and I have no idea what's causing it. Have you seen Koschei yet? I couldn't reach him on the phone or the monitor," Tish said in an anxious voice.
"No, I haven't seen him since yesterday. Sorry. I'm sure that both he and the Doctor are just fine though. It's probably nothing. Stop worrying so much, Tish," Clara said in an upbeat tone as she smiled at her reassuringly.
"What was Dad so worked up about, Clara? Your father said that he called to tell you something a minute ago and was being very rude to him when he answered the phone instead of you. He actually said that his voice sounded like rusty nails on a chalkboard," Jenny said with a chuckle as she and Ace walked into the room together.
"Too bad he didn't spend that time actually telling him what he wanted instead of wasting it with insults. We were cut off before he could tell me what it was all about," Clara said with a frown.
"Well, maybe it wasn't anything that big. He could have just been calling to ask you to order some more jelly babies for the reception or something," Jenny said in a hopeful tone.
"I don't think so, Little Sister. Something's wrong. I can feel it," Ace said as she looked around the room anxiously as if she were expecting an attack to come at any moment.
"Don't you think that you're overreacting just a bit there, Dorothy? It's just a little bit of temporal interference. It does happen from time to time you know?" Clara said in a chipper tone that even she didn't truly feel at the moment.
She was actually starting to have the same feeling now herself even if she wasn't ready to admit that just yet. Travelling with the Doctor had given her a sixth sense about knowing when trouble was coming, and all of her mental alarm bells were going off in spades right now just as Ace's apparently were. Despite all of that however she was deliberately trying to downplay the whole thing for Merry's sake because she could see that the little girl was starting to become very upset at all of this talk.
Ace it seemed realized that herself now because she quickly added, "I could be wrong though. In fact, I probably am. I guess all of that time I spent with the Professor has just made me overly paranoid is all."
"Or maybe it didn't make you quite paranoid enough, Ace," A very familiar voice said from behind them.
"Professor?" Ace said in shock as she turned to see the Seventh Doctor, her Doctor, standing there with a puzzled and extremely concerned look on his face.
Clara smiled now as she said without turning around, "Well, at least one of you made it. It's just like you for it to be the wrong one who showed up though."
"Made it for what? Who are you? Are you behind all of this?" The Seventh Doctor asked suspiciously.
"Behind all of what exactly, Question Mark Man?" Clara asked in confusion as she finally turned to face him.
That was when the Seventh Doctor's mouth opened in shock as he said in disbelief, "Alura?"
"Yes, it's really me. Hello, Sweater Boy," Clara said with a warm smile as she hugged him tightly.
The Seventh Doctor couldn't help smiling profusely even as he said in a worried voice, "This is all wrong. I'm in my own future. I shouldn't be here. I could be endangering my entire existence this way."
"No, I don't think so. You, the current you that is, called me and warned me that I might be getting some unexpected visitors. I'm assuming that he meant you so offhand I'd say that this was supposed to happen," Clara reassured him.
"Visitors? He said that? Oh, no!" The Seventh Doctor said in alarm.
"What? What is it?" Clara asked as she too started to become concerned now.
"I remember this now or at least part of it anyway. You're definitely going to get more than one visitor here today, Alura, and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. At least not for me anyway," The Seventh Doctor said with a clear look of disgust on his face.
"Oh, no! Not another one," Another very familiar voice said behind Clara.
"Yes, I'm afraid so," The Seventh Doctor said with a sigh.
The Third Doctor walked in now alongside the Second Doctor as he said, "And I thought things were bad enough with it just being him here."
"You're no picnic to be around either, you know, Fancy Pants?" The Second Doctor said with a deep scowl.
The Third Doctor ignored him as he said, "Are there more of us as well?"
"Not yet but there will be. You don't remember this yet, do you?" The Seventh Doctor said.
"Remember what exactly, Old Chap?" The Third Doctor asked in confusion.
That was when the Second Doctor's eyes widened in surprise as he shouted, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Why this is simply going to be horrible!"
"What is? What is it that you're remembering, Recorder Boy? What exactly is going on here anyway? Could any of you actually be bothered to stop for a minute and tell me that?" Clara demanded in an irritated voice.
"Alura? Is it really you?" The Second Doctor asked in astonishment.
"Yep, it's me. Now could you please tell me what you're all going on about?" Clara asked even though she had a sinking suspicion that she already knew judging by all of the Doctors' reactions so far.
There was only one person that they would be getting that alarmed about showing up.
"Hello, everyone! I have absolutely no idea what is going on but it's always nice to see a familiar face or three, isn't it? Yes, that's very reassuring. Jelly baby?" The Fourth Doctor said with a huge grin on his face as he suddenly swept into the room and offered his second incarnation a sweet.
"Don't mind if I do. I'm glad that there's at least one of me here who's at least somewhat likable even if I do have absolutely terrible fashion sense," The Second Doctor said as he turned his nose up at the Fourth Doctor's multi-colored scarf.
"Clara, I have a very bad feeling about this," Tish said even as she smiled at her first Doctor.
"So do I. Still it's not too bad is it? It's not every girl who gets multiple versions of the groom to show up to the wedding is it? At least I'll get multiple kisses out of the deal if nothing else once I marry them," Clara said with a smirk.
"Are you serious, Mama Bear? You're actually going to marry all of them?" Ace asked in disbelief.
"Why not?" Clara said with an evil smile.
"And how are you going to handle the honeymoon exactly?" Tish asked with an even more evil smile that made Clara turn bright red with embarrassment.
"Thanks a lot, Tish. Now I'm going to have to clean my brain out with acid . . . and a couple of cans of Nitro-9," Ace said in disgust.
"I'm not listening. I can't hear you," Jenny said with her fingers in her ears and a sickened expression on her face.
"Clara Oswald, have you been tinkering with the ZigZag Plotter again? I've been thrown completely out of my TARDIS and stranded here . . . in the same time period with them," The Eleventh Doctor said as he suddenly appeared next to her with an angry look on his face.
"That's the very same thing that happened to me as well I'm afraid. I suspect that it's happened to all of us," The Fifth Doctor said as he too appeared out of thin air.
"Yes, we've all been thrown out of our respective TARDISes and shunted here for some reason. I suspect it was the Old Girl's way of saving us from whatever's currently happening to the Vortex," The Eighth Doctor said as he showed up out of nowhere as well.
"Or maybe the Old Cow really is out to get me," Clara said with a groan as she watched things swiftly starting to go out of control between the Doctors as they all immediately started to argue with one another.
"Are all of you really coming? I'm not sure I can take many more of you if you're all going to be like them," Clara asked the Seventh Doctor.
The Seventh Doctor nodded grimly as he said, "Yes, All of me are definitely on the way and so is someone else I'm afraid."
"Someone else? Oh, my stars! It's not multiple Masters too is it?" Clara said in despair.
"No, but you're definitely on the right track," The Seventh Doctor said mysteriously.
"Could you possibly make that any vaguer for me, Doctor? I might still have a chance of actually figuring it out otherwise, and we certainly can't have that, can we?" Clara asked in anger.
"Still the same old Professor," Ace said with a grin.
"You know as well as I do that I can't tell her about her own future, Ace. It might make things even worse," The Seventh Doctor said.
"Worse? You'd better hope not if any of you want to live long enough to see your next regeneration. Look around you, Doctor. Recorder Boy and Fancy Pants are about to start beating the stuffing out of each other any minute now, Celery Boy looks like he's about to strangle Teeth and Curls with his own scarf, and Mr. Romance looks like he wants to slap Chin Boy into the next time zone. It's going to be a war of the Doctors any minute now. I definitely don't want to hear about things getting any worse right now. I'm already this close to creating a major paradox myself in a minute," Clara protested.
"Blimey! Take a deep breath and calm down a little, mate," Marion said as she suddenly appeared next to Clara along with Ten, Rose, and the Metacrisis.
"Are you doing this? Please tell me that it's you," Clara pleaded.
"Nope, I'm afraid not," Marion said with a wide grin.
"Well, you don't have to look so happy about it. Wait a minute. You know exactly who is behind it, don't you? What am I saying? Of course you do," Clara said with a frown.
"Well, I certainly don't. Who are all of these people and why are they dressed like that? It's like a convention dedicated to really bad fashion sense, yeah?" Rose asked curiously.
Both Ten and the Metacrisis looked away with embarrassed looks on their faces that made Rose start laughing as she said, "Oh, my God! Really? All of them? No wonder you never talk about your other selves. Mind you they're all pretty handsome now that I think about it."
"Hands off, Blondie. You're already got your Doctor. This one's mine, every single annoying one of him," Clara said with a brief smile that let Rose know that she was just teasing her.
"Alura Heartshaven? You mean you're actually still alive? This truly is a day for surprises, isn't it?" A woman's voice said from somewhere nearby.
"You!" Clara said in shock as she looked toward her front door to see someone she had hoped that she never would meet again standing there.
"Ushas," Tish said with hatred.
"Who is that harpy with the permanent scowl on her face, Professor?" Ace asked as she developed an instant distrust of her on sight.
"She's called the Rani, Ace, and she's one of my cleverest enemies I'm afraid," The Seventh Doctor answered in a grim voice.
"I wouldn't say that we're enemies exactly, Doctor. I truly harbor no ill will towards you whatsoever . . . or any good will either for that matter. You just seem to have an extremely uncanny knack for getting in my way just as you are right now. Even for you this is bordering on the ridiculous however. Somehow thirteen of you managed to get caught up in the temporal disturbance that I created to trap Koschei inside," The Rani said.
"What have you done to him? Why don't you just leave him alone? He made it quite clear to you a long time ago that he wasn't interested in you," Tish said in an angry voice.
"Hello, Romana. I almost didn't recognize you. Been slumming as one of the humans, have you? It doesn't suit you. You're completely wrong about my motivations by the way. This doesn't have anything to do with me feeling jilted that he chose you over me. In fact, this has nothing to do with any romantic feelings at all whatsoever on my part as hard as that is for someone as emotional as you are to believe. No, this is about something far more practical. I need to learn some vital information from Koschei. A secret that only he knows and I'm not about to leave him alone until I gain that knowledge from him," The Rani explained.
"A secret? What secret? Ushas, what annoying little plan have you got cooked up this time, and why did you have to pick my wedding day of all days to finally spring it? Couldn't you have picked a better time? Like say a couple of hundred years from now?" Clara asked with a grimace.
The Rani actually laughed as she said, "You're marrying the Doctor? So he finally told you how he felt about you, did he? Just look at it this way. I'm probably saving you from making a huge mistake judging from how these cretins were acting when I first walked in."
"Why am I having a hard time arguing with her on that point?" Clara said with a slight grin.
"I can't imagine," The Seventh Doctor said with a brief grin of his own.
"The rest of you are still trapped inside your TARDISes in the Vortex in case you're wondering. They won't be leaving it either if I have my way just as none of you will be leaving this house until I have what I want. You're not going to stop me this time, Doctors. This time I will carry out what might be my most important experiment, and I will do it without your bumbling interference," The Rani said.
"And what amoral completely heartless experiment might that be since I currently can't remember anything about what happens to me next?" The voice of the Twelfth Doctor said over what sounded to Clara like a speaker.
Then she realized in the next moment that it actually was a speaker as Ellie Oswald come into the room with a cunning smile on her face while carrying an open cell phone in her hand.
"What did you do? You've definitely been up to something, Mum?" Clara asked with a knowing smile.
"Oh, let's just say that I heard about that dropped phone call between you and the Doctor from your father and gave your phone a quick Dalek upgrade so that I could call him back despite the temporal disturbance. I still have a great deal of their technology stored in my brain it seems. Apparently that's turned out to be a good thing since I didn't realize that we had an uninvited and definitely very unwanted guest dropping by until the Doctor warned me about her just now," Ellie said.
"I see that you found a way to blunder in and interfere anyway even despite being trapped, Doctor. Why am I not surprised by that? So you have access to information on Dalek technology, do you, human? Interesting. Then you might make an excellent back-up plan in case the Master won't tell me what I need to know," The Rani said with an intrigued look on her face.
"Don't even think about it," Clara said in a cold voice as her eyes began to glow with power.
"Clara, be very careful. I don't remember everything about what happens next just yet, but I do know that she's even more dangerous than usual right now and is quite capable of killing even someone as powerful as you if you're standing between her and what she wants," The Twelfth Doctor said over the phone.
"Dangerous how exactly and what is it that she wants anyway? Details, Old Man. I'd really like some if it isn't too much trouble," Clara demanded.
"Why ask him, Alura, when you can get your information right from the source? I'll gladly tell you exactly what you need to know. During the Time War, the Master once came across some Dalek plans to create a powerful temporal weapon that would have instantly rewritten all of history in their favor once it had been finished. They were going to use it to completely erase the Time Lords from history and bring about a quick and final end to the war. It wasn't quite as destructive a solution to the war as Rassilon's but just as effective. Unfortunately for the Daleks, the Master stole their plans for himself and then erased as much information on them as he could from the Dalek Net," The Rani explained.
"The Master stole the plans for a weapon capable of instantly rewriting time and we're all still alive? It must not have worked out too well then," The Twelfth Doctor said with a smirk.
"That was around the time that he first fell in love with Romana here actually. I imagine that made him reconsider its use. I have no such compunctions however. I've already built a partial version of the weapon based on what little information that I could still find available on it on the Dalek Net. My version's scope is severally limited however and will only affect an area the size of a small planet. I need the Master's stolen knowledge in order to make it work for the entire universe. I will have that information and once I do I will use it to rewrite everything everywhere to my tastes. Just think of it, Doctor. We could have a universe where neither the Daleks nor the Time Lords were ever the masters of Time. A universe where there was never a Time War in the first place and none of us ever had to suffer through its horrors. In fact, without having to worry about being the caretakers of the Web of Time the Time Lords might have had infinitely better lives. Maybe I'll be doing you all a great service especially you, Doctor. You suffered more than anyone from what you had to do in the War after all," The Rani said.
"I'm sure that you're not doing this for my benefit, Rani, so don't pretend otherwise. Somehow I don't think that I would wind up benefiting too much from living in Rani World assuming that I was still living there at all that is. So why are you really doing this?" The Twelfth Doctor asked curiously.
The Rani smiled as she said, "Honestly? It's to see what happens once I use it. I'm filled with curiosity about that aren't you? I could ensure that the Thals destroyed the Kaleds long before the Daleks were ever created. How would that change all of history? What if I made those humans that you love so much the masters of Time instead of the Time Lords? What would that do to the Web? Or better yet what if I gave that power to the Silurians or the Draconians or even to the Sontarans? I'm a scientist, Doctor. I simply can't resist finding out exactly how a change here or there might affect things. It truly is the ultimate experiment in temporal physics, and I'll be there to study all of the results. It's the dream of a lifetime, Doctor."
"Yes, this is very much like a plan that you tried to carry out once before. It was monstrous then and it's still monstrous now. You'll only wind up destroying all of Time if you start tinkering with it without any knowledge of the possible results, Ushas. I can't allow you to do that," The Twelfth Doctor warned.
"I'm afraid that you won't be able to do anything where you are, Doctor, thanks to the temporal disturbance that I created. As for the rest of you that are already here, well I have a way of keeping them in line as well," The Rani said.
Then she pulled out a small gun about the size of a staser and pointed it at Clara as she said, "You see I made a miniature version of the weapon as well that I can easily use to alter individual timestreams. If any of your past selves make a move to stop me, then your precious Alura will be completely erased from time and will never have existed in the first place."
Before anyone could make a move to stop her, the Rani suddenly grabbed Clara with one arm while still holding her weapon on her with the other one. Then they both immediately disappeared in the blink of an eye.
"Doctor, she's . . . taken Clara. They're gone," Ellie said into the phone in a numb voice.
"I know. I remember now," The Twelfth Doctor said in a voice completely devoid of emotion as her hearts began to fill with terror.
If only he could remember what happened next. Had he lost Clara just when he had been about to marry her?
Next: Can the remaining Doctors and their allies find a way to rescue Clara and their other selves and stop the Rani before it's too late? Plus we'll get a glimpse into the Rani and Clara's relationship back on Gallifrey. Exactly who were they to one another and what caused the current bad blood between them now? While we're doing that we'll find out the real reason for all of this buried somewhere deep in the Rani's past because she still isn't being quite truthful as to her motives just yet. What does the Rani really want to change?