(A/N: First, thanks to all of those that reviewed! Please continue to do so. I was honestly torn between updating this and another fic, and the reviews are what pushed me towards this one. They're like caffeine pills or something. I finished this in under two hours.
Second, I don't remember a scene where Rey was ever told that Kylo was Han and Leia's son. Maybe she could've overheard something from the bridge? But they were speaking so quietly that I'm basically saying NOPE. So if I'm wrong and that totally was revealed to her just roll with it please.
Third, sorry for the wait. Holidays, etc. Please review so you won't have to wait long for the next one!)
So this was why the light had called him then. That unmistakable tug at his very core. It pulled at his insides painfully as if trying to turn him inside out. Actually, that was exactly what it was trying to do. He had to remember, though, even if he was going to rebel base he would have to stay dark. All of his work, this half a life spent as a double agent, it was all so that he could fight evil using the dark side of the force.
She was sitting on her bed, looking out at the moon they were passing by. Probably Ampheos, he though. It didn't matter. He stood in the doorway for a few moments, his hand still on the pad, unwilling to let the doors close behind him just yet.
Rey turned. He knew that she'd sensed him. "You're back so soon."
His eyes narrowed. The door was not shut. If someone had been in the hall they would have heard her. Heard the newly acquired familiar tone in her voice. He stepped fully into the room and let the doors finally close. "You have to be more careful about how you act around me."
He had annoyed her. She wasn't stupid. She'd just acted compulsively. Their trust had grown exponentially since the night he'd come to her room. Knowing exactly what he was feeling probably had something to do with it, but he also liked to think that she was starting to notice all of the little things he did for her. He defended her right to be trained, he brought her food, he listened to her talk about the deserter and the little droid. The only subject she uncomfortably avoided was his father, and he couldn't discern how he felt about this which probably meant that they needed to talk about it.
His father had taught him that. "If you don't want to talk about it, it probably makes you uncomfortable," Han would say, usually after a fight with his mother, "But if you're close to that person, and if you want to remain that way, you need to suck it up and do it anyways."
Kylo opened the keypad on her side of the door, activated the shadow screen on her door, and used his override code to lock it in place so that it's timer would not run out. The screen was typically used by prisoners so that they could change in peace without having to worry about a guard checking in on them through the tinted window at an awkward time. However, Kylo knew that their body language would betray their new found trust if a guard happened to stop by while he was there, and thought it best to err on the side of caution.
He crossed the room and offered a tray out to her with a serving of rations. High ranking officers had been offered unjona fruits as well tonight, and Kylo had swiped a second while the trooper's back had been turned. He hoped that Hux would be the one to have to go without. Rey picked up the purple fruit and examined it's long, needle-like stem.
"What is this?" she almost sounded disgusted.
Ren sat down on the bed next to her and held out his hand to take it back. She placed it gently in his gloved palm. "It's called unjona. It comes from a remote moon called Endor." He began to pull back its spongy peel, revealing its pink flesh. "It's a little sour, but it's very good." Rey still looked confused, which confused him in turn. "It's just fruit. There's no pit."
"I've never eaten fruit before," she said coldly. "I've only had rations like the ones I worked for back on Jakku."
He handed the peeled fruit back to her. "You worked for food? How did you afford to buy anything? How did you pay for a home?"
Rey poked at the fruit in her palm, and a bit of juice pooled under her fingertip. "I didn't buy anything," she said nonchalantly, "I lived in an abandoned AT-AT outside of my town. There weren't many people on Jakku that actually paid you with, you know, money."
What she was saying didn't surprise Kylo. He knew people lived this way. He'd trained with them, visited with them, and even killed them. What surprised him was how many ways he and this particular person were turning out to be complete opposites in. His childhood had been hard, but he had never lacked for comfort. His father, mother, and uncle had ensured that he was educated and well traveled. He remembered frequent trips, most of them past the same bit of empty space. After he had complained one time too many his father had pulled him roughly aside and told him what Alderaan was, and what it had meant to his mother. That his mother had also known pain, more pain than he could have imagined at that age, in fact, came as a surprise to him. He had never seen her the same way.
He felt the same about Rey. He was beginning to learn more and more about her. She was no long a 2-D image on a holoplane. She was a living, breathing, feeling person. She was gentle with him, but she had never lowered her expectations for him. She often showed him how tough she was in the training room, but he could feel the sadness in her, the worry. Rey was so many things, and that constantly amazed him. She was so many things, and he was none. He truly was a flat plane with no dimensions. Snoke had made him that.
"You're hurting," Rey said softly. Her hand moved towards him for a second, but jerked back when she changed her mind. She still would not touch him unless she had to. "What is it?"
There was no "it", really. There was a lot of things, so he choose one, knowing he couldn't get away with a terse, "Nothing." There was no point in lying to her. She would know, and he needed her trust. "I was thinking about Han Solo." He could not read her face or quite understand all of the emotions flooding through her system. There was sorrow and empathy, but there was also anger. "You loved him too," he said realizing the truth even as he spoke it. She pushed back in his mind, trying to force him out. The bond could not be severed, though. He squinted his eyes, as if he could actually see inside her mind, "What was he to you?
"'Too?'" she choked out, ignoring his question. Disdain, panic, horror. They all clouded his mind for a painful moment. Well, here was that conversation he'd been hoping for. "How could you say you loved him? You killed him!"
"Rey," he put a finger to his lips and shushed her, "You have to stay quiet they'll-"
"Let them hear!" she stood up and backed up until she touched the wall. Thankfully, her voice still wasn't even nearing a shout.
Kylo stood up too, and immediately regretted it. He towered over her, that would scare some, but it did not intimidate her. It only made her angrier, and he was suddenly very aware of the scar on his right cheek. The very same place his father had touched him before-
"I can explain," he offered weakly.
Rey scoffed, her features harsh in the glow of the moon. "You can try!"
He sighed, "Yes, I can try, but you must let me."
Rey's eyes locked onto his own, her anger flashed hot and renewed in his mind. "I don't have to do anything." Something inside of her cooled, though, her expression softened, "But I will choose to. I can feel the pain inside of you. It's real, but..."
"But then why did I do it?" He sat back down on the bed and put his face in his hands. Taking a deep breath he began, "Months before Jakku I felt the light calling to me. I asked my grandfather for help, hoping since he was once a Jedi that perhaps his force ghost could guide me. He was dark, he knew how it was to push yourself into the darkness..." Kylo thought of the warped mask back in his room. It seemed to have lost its power. It had only failed him in his time since recovering it. "But he did not answer me."
Rey was silent for a time before speaking. "Ben." He did not correct her on his name. "Is Darth Vader your grandfather?"
He looked up at her, this young Jedi to be. She knew so little. The history of the Jedi, of the Skywalkers in particular, was a complicated one. Anakin Skywalker was a complicated man, but both good and evil. But Rey dealt in blacks and whites, because she did not know the intricacies of the force. How could he explain that the fear in her eyes was unwarranted? That he was not speaking about the dark villain from the bedtime stories. How could he explain that his grandfather had also been a young boy named Anakin, who had loved and fought and lost? She had felt his desire to follow Darth Vader, but she had not felt his loyalty to the man that had come before the mask. Too few people knew of that man.
"Oh," she said. Apparently feeling the turmoil inside of him had been enough of an answer for her. Indeed, it at least showed her that the situation at hand was more than complicated. "So Luke is your-?"
Kylo shook his head.
Rey's eyes widened. "Leia is your-?"
Kylo nodded. "And Han was my father," Rey waited for him to go on, but the thought of doing so actually made him nervous."I can't tell you everything," he unfolded his fists in a sign of helplessness. Rey looked incredulous. "I can tell you that from his sacrifice I was told many things that led to my decision on the bridge. I was told that I was too angry to ever be a light Jedi. I was told that Snoke would lead me to lead this galaxy into greatness. I was told that my family's deaths would show me the corners of the dark side that only Sith Lord's themselves know of. I was told a lot of things, Rey."
Rey shifted her weight to her other leg and folded her arms. She was thinking. Seriously, but he felt no doubt in her and that was a good enough sign for him. Apparently, she understood that he understood the futility in trying to lie to her too. Finally, she squared her shoulders and made eye contact again. "You were told a lot of lies." She clasped her hands behind her back and inclined her head back until it touched the view port, "And I don't sense any malice or ill intent towards me...or even the rebels-"
"There is none," he said almost too quickly.
Rey gave him a look, "But I can't say that I buy that this was one big misunderstanding."
Despite her narrowed eyes and pursed lips, she was not angry. He knew that, and that knowledge emboldened him. "It wasn't. I made choices, bad choices...But I was a child when I set off down this path, and I was not guided there on my own. I want to correct things."
"Okay," her tone was casual as if he'd remarked that he wanted to go to sleep or take a walk.
Kylo nodded and Rey sat back down next to him and began to eat. He followed suit, but the food had no flavor. He was certain she could feel all of the emotions still coursing through him, but she chose not to comment even so.
As they walked to Room TR-17 to begin the day's training Kylo was still unable to stop thinking about his father. He was certain he would think of him until he, himself, died. Han had wanted him to come home, and stupid son (if he could still call himself) that he was, he had interpreted that as yet another call from the light that he had to resist. Perhaps, he had been right, but maybe, and he could not quiet this thought, he had been wrong. He had come to think that it did not matter which side he fought for. He would never obtain what he wanted, because neither side was fighting a fight for the individual. And besides, what did he want?
Besides Han Solo.