A/N: Sirius's POV
Nothing had ever scared me more than seeing Amy bleeding and twitching under my cousin's wand. It was harder to take than times when I had feared for my own life. It had seemed that in that moment, ever fear I'd ever had was coming true. I really thought I would be too late.
Even two months later, I still woke up from nightmares of it, and I had to hold Amy's wrist and feel her pulse to be sure that she was really there, alive, sleeping next to me. Then I would go to check on our daughters, and come straight back to make sure Amy was still there. Only then would I climb back into bed, wrapping my arms around her, trying to sleep once more in the assurances that my wife and children were alive and well, and that my nightmares were only nightmares.
It wasn't easy after meetings, especially, knowing that there was still a spy in the Order, and that Dumbledore still had no apparent idea of who it was. Since Amy's incident I began to wonder about everyone, everyone but Lily and James. Even if it made perfect sense, I would never be able to believe that either of them would spy for Voldemort.
I rolled over, kissed Amy's temple, and savored the way her scent filled my nostrils. She murmured something inaudible, wrapping her arms around me and clutching tightly at my back to hold me close. I could feel a swelling sensation in my chest as she held me, knowing that she was comforted by my presence, that I made her feel more secure. Once she was healthy again with Lily's care and attention, I was able to better appreciate the way she would cling to me, the way she needed me.
Gently, I kissed her brow again, savoring the feel of her skin against my lips, the way her smell hit me, the warmth and softness of her body as she held me. If I could have, I would have stayed in that bed forever, savoring every feeling, every smell, every sound. But I had commitments, and I needed to be back by noon to help with bathing the girls before their naps. Arista hated baths and made the whole thing a disaster zone if I wasn't there to help.
I let go of her reluctantly, avoiding touching her silky hair as I removed myself from her arms. I regretting moving all over again when her eyes blinked open and she frowned at me.
"Don't go," she muttered, reaching up for me.
"Love, I have a meeting," I sighed, fighting the urge to touch her. If I did, I probably wouldn't leave the bed.
"'Scold," she muttered, squinting at the clock. "You have half an hour."
I inhaled sharply as she reached up, leaning up, her hand touching my hand. Even drowsy she looked so attractive, so perfect, and my resolve crumbled.
"I need to shower," I said weakly.
"You smell fine," she said as she pulled me not unwillingly back into bed, pressing her lips gently to mine.
For a moment I forgot everything, everything but how badly I wanted this, and I allowed her fingers to caress my neck as I kissed her back, savoring the taste of her breath and the sensation of her tongue touching mine. One of her hands slipped up my bare torso and I moaned, letting her legs pull me closer.
I closed my eyes, letting her kisses trail down my neck, feeling her fingers trace back down my torso to the waistband of my pants, dipping under the fabric. My breathing and mind were heavy as she delicately traced from my hips inward, and when she wrapped her hands around me and I felt the warmth and tightness on my most sensitive skin I growled her name.
Amy kissed me, and between her lips and her hands I was a pile of desperation and incoherence very quickly. I lost all track of time, responsibility, everything except the way Amy was making me feel. I didn't want anything but to be with her, my perfect wife, for as long as humanly possible.
I let my hands explore her body, so familiar and yet exhilarating every time I touched her. I hardly noticed her peeling off my pants, pressing her skin on mine. I sat up enough to maintain our kisses as she straddled my lap, and I sighed her name into her lips as she guided me into her.
Everything seemed more special after almost losing her, even things we had done hundreds of times. I didn't know if she felt the same way about the experience of our union, but I never wanted to let go of her again, never wanted to feel anything but her body wrapped around me.
When we finally collapsed together from the exhaustion of ecstasy, I curled up against her trembling body, breathing in her scent and the mixed aroma of our sweat. I savored the way her soft, tangled hair tickled my nose, the warmth of the skin of her shoulder where my chin rested against it. I glanced my fingers over the curve of her side, past her breast, up her neck to her jaw, where they rested and caressed her slick skin.
"I suppose you'll have to shower now," she muttered as I pressed a kiss to her neck.
I frowned, wondering what she was talking about, and then I remembered where I was supposed to be.
"Damn it, there's no time," I groaned, reluctantly scrambling out of bed, ignoring my wife's sleepy giggles as I pulled on the first clothes I found and scrambled out of the bedroom. I Apparated instead of flying, knowing that I was already running late and every minute I wasted was another minute Albus could point out when he told me how unimpressed he was that I wasn't taking my duties seriously enough. How was I supposed to explain that I was late because my wife seduced me?
I arrived at headquarters to find that only three people were still there, Remus, James, and McGonagall.
"Mr. Black," McGonagall said, look at me with her sharp eyes over her square-shaped spectacles. "I believe the person who said better late than never was implying arriving before the event in question ended."
"It's already over?" I said, aware that I was panting slightly, ignoring the smirks of my friends.
"These things can happen when one arrives an hour and a half late," she said, stressing every word before saying polite words of parting to Remus and James and walking out the door.
"An hour and a half?" I echoed, turning to James, dumbfounded. He nodded, trying to bite back laughter.
"What held you up, mate?" he said. "Overslept your alarm?"
I blinked at them, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed and I spluttered out, "Well, Amy…. I did tell her I had to…. But she didn't…. I couldn't…. Stop laughing at me, Moony, this is bad enough!"
"We know you were having sex with your wife, Padfoot," James said, while Remus tried to get his laughter under control. "Your shirt is buttoned wrong and your socks are inside out."
I sank onto the nearby sofa as they renewed their laughter, this time even James unable to contain it. I smiled weakly, but I felt a bit sick inside, knowing McGonagall quite obviously knew what had kept me from the meeting. No wonder she'd given me her most disapproving look, one she hadn't given me since she caught me snogging Amy in a deserted classroom after hours.
"What did I miss?" I asked weakly when the laughs died down.
"I've got to go," Remus said suddenly, glancing at the wall. He looked almost…afraid. I frowned, but James and I said goodbye and watched him leave.
"What was that all about?" I asked, but James shrugged.
"You didn't miss a lot," James said. "There's still no idea who the spy is, and Voldemort's gone recruiting again."
My eyebrows shot up. He'd said that with remarkable calm. We were all fairly calm when speaking about the spy, but other times he and Lily had been approached by Death Eaters they'd both been green with terror. I would have thought that having a child would have made it worse.
"How many times does this guy try before he kills you?" I asked in a forced-light voice.
"No, not us," James sighed, mussing up his hair. I knew things had to be bad if he was doing that. He'd stopped mussing his hair when he started dating Lily. "No, this time it was Frank and Alice."
"Frank and Alice," I repeated, standing and pacing over to the nearest window.
It made sense, choosing to try to recruit Frank and Alice. They were both purebloods, proven to be fertile by the birth of their son. They were talented and celebrated Aurors. There was just one problem.
"I've never known of a Hufflepuff who went Dark," I said, turning to look at James. "Even if they threatened her son, I doubt Alice would have given in."
"Especially if they threatened her son," James said, rubbing his chin were the boy had bopped him on the face. James had then made a joke about how if he was going to use his hands like that then maybe he didn't need them, and Alice hadn't thought it was very funny. I winced in sympathy. "No, it makes sense, but they were never going to get those two to turn."
The way his voice trailed off had the unspoken words, the things that only another father would recognize as being the real reason James was so unnerved. Harry, Neville, the twins, they were all born within the span of about a month of each other. It didn't seem a coincidence to me that the Death Eaters were paying special interest to all the young parents. Never mind that we were all very skilled fighters, most of us purebloods to boot. We had vulnerable, precious family members to use as leverage, and our parental connections were still tender enough that we might be especially…persuaded.
"How's Amy?" James asked after clearing his throat.
"Better."
And she was. What I didn't say was that I was still a mess, that I was the one who could barely sleep at night, terrified she would have a relapse in the night, or that something would happen. I wasn't looking for two hours and the next thing I know my wife is being tortured. It wasn't safe to close my eyes for eight hours, or even six or four.
It wasn't safe to close my eyes at all.
"Lily said she was, but Lily doesn't see her as much as you," James said knowingly. "I wanted to be sure. I still remember my first time under the Cruciatus."
He shivered slightly.
"Your first time wasn't Bellatrix," I said. "She has a special talent for it," I said, enunciating so much that I almost spat the words out. Every time I thought of my cousin I felt waves of hatred rushing over me like they might drown me. Hurting me was one thing, but she made my wife suffer. And if I ever had the chance, I would not hesitate to kill my cousin.
I could always say I had no other choice. I doubted very much that Amy would care that I killed Bellatrix of all people, and if she did she wouldn't be able to argue with self-defense. If anyone could match me of the Death Eaters we knew, it was my cousin.
My fingers made a strange sound on the wall as I tapped them, trying to focus on anything but the fantasy of watching the light leave my cousin's eyes. There was so much more to think of, so much more going on in the war. Bellatrix could not be my only thought.
"Remus seemed a bit off," I said. "Did he seem off to you?"
I looked around at James, who just shrugged. Everyone was different from how we knew them. The war was changing all of us, even Peter. But Remus was jumpy, tired, almost afraid of seeing me when I showed up. He left before James even gave me the update on what I'd missed.
"He's got that secret mission, whatever it is," James said, shrugging. "I imagine it's taking a bit of a toll, yeah?"
"Yeah," I muttered, frowning at the wall.
Even with a secret mission, there was so much wrong with Remus's behavior. I tried to shake the thought, the niggling in the back of my mind that was ready and willing to cast suspicions on anyone who would have the ability to hurt Amy. And I knew that Remus would have a better chance at hurting Amy than most, if he wanted. He had access to our home, the girls recognized and were comfortable with him, and Amy had always trusted him implicitly. If he asked her to go somewhere with him, she would go without questioning it. If he asked for her to let him in, she would.
I shivered.
"Alright, mate?" James asked.
"Have you ever thought of the worst?" I said softly.
He snorted.
"I've thought of just about everything you could imagine, Padfoot. Remember, I'm the doom and gloom in this friendship."
"No," I said, not meeting his eyes. "No, I mean have you thought of what it could mean if one of…one of us were the spy?"
"One of who?"
"Us," I said, looking up at his chin, still unable to meet his eye. "You or me or Remus."
"Sirius."
"I'm not saying that any of us is," I said quickly. And I wasn't. The very notion was absurd, but every tiny non-threat looked so much more threatening after what happened in Diagon Alley. "I'm just saying, have you thought of what that would mean?"
"No, I haven't," James said sternly, obviously trying to cut off the conversation.
"We trust each other," I said, peeling at a bit of chipped paint on the wall with my thumbnail, anything to avoid looking at James. "We have access to each other's homes, each other's wives, each other's children. And if any one of us were to say to trust the other, we wouldn't question it, would we?"
"Sirius."
"No, honestly, if I told Lily that, I dunno, you were hurt somewhere and she had to come with me right away, d'you think she'd hesitate to follow me anywhere?"
"Stop it."
I was beginning to feel lightheaded, and slightly sick to my stomach as I finally met his eyes, which were wide and pained. I knew he couldn't fathom that any of us could be the spy, and I wasn't too keen to think about it either.
But what if we were?
He sighed, standing and crossing the room, gripping my shoulder firmly in a bracing manner. I must have looked pathetic standing there, raving about how easy it would be for me to lead his wife to her death. The wave of nausea flared again.
"I know you're shaken about what happened," he said softly. "This is the fear talking. Lily said some pretty crazy things when Amy was attacked too. But you know none of us would do anything to hurt your wife or child. You know that. I mean, Lily's her best friend. And I'd like to think you trust me." I nodded. "And I know it's not a comfortable thought, but I'm pretty sure Remus is still in love with her."
I actually pushed him away slightly, feeling the nausea more powerful than before. I knew that Remus would still sometimes look at my wife with that faraway look he would get in school when he was close to the full moon. For ages I'd told myself that he couldn't help it, that he wasn't really in control of himself in those patches.
James was right. Remus would never hurt Amy. But then, I wasn't certain the Death Eaters wanted to hurt her. Why kill a perfectly fertile pureblooded woman? Of course, I didn't expect Remus to be naïve enough to think they would give a pureblooded woman to a werewolf for faithful service, but I did believe that he would turn to protect her, if he thought it was the only way to keep her safe, if they threatened her life if he didn't comply. Especially after what happened in Diagon Alley….
But I was being silly, speculative. We were closing in on the full moon, and his odd behavior could easily be attributed to that. If James wasn't worried, why should I be worried?
"You're right," I said, feeling a raspy dryness in the back of my throat. I swallowed, but it did no good. "You're absolutely right. I haven't been sleeping very well. I'm being silly."
"D'you want Lily to give you something for that?"
I shook my head. I could handle not sleeping well if it meant waking up every few hours and knowing Amy was there, alive and well, in my arms and unaware of the nightmares I still had. I had come too close to losing her, too close to losing everything. Not sleeping was nothing compared with that.
"You should probably get home, then, before Amy starts to worry."
"Yeah," I said, forcing a smile. "Give Lily my best, will you?"
"Of course," James said, looking slightly relieved. "And be sure to pass on our love to Amy, yeah?"
"Yeah," I said, and I clapped his shoulder, squeezing it firmly before leaving the house, a chill running through me. I knew that James was probably right, but at the same time I still couldn't shake the feeling that if I closed my eyes, if I looked away too long, Amy would be gone. I took a few steadying breaths before Disapparating, eager to get home and make sure my girls were all safe.