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Chapter 21

My fingers caress the warm sheets under my body as I stare into the white ceiling, discovering a new imaginary face in the unintelligible pattern. The light becomes dimmer as I hear the wind howling outside, warning us of the coming storm, and I wonder what it will mean for our escapade.

I sit in bed, unable to keep still anymore. I have memorized every detail of Madge's room yet I search with my eyes in the hope of discovering something interesting to occupy my mind. My toes touch the cool tile and they ache to move towards the balcony and burst the doors open. The light is minimal but I can tell it is late afternoon nonetheless. As dangerous as I know it is, even with the reduced light, I risk it and begin walking to the wide doors. My nightgown flows as my hands release the lock and a rush of brisk wind storms in, chilling my body and waving my hair wildly. I smell the upcoming rain in the tempestuous air and I let it fill my lungs, hungry for fresh air after breathing the same air all day long. I look around and see the pines swaying with the wind as leaves stream in funnel patterns all around. I look up and watch the angry clouds exchange lighting with each other and the ground and stand in awe beholding all the power and force of nature at this moment.

I am so stupefied with the phenomenon in front of me that I don't hear the door open and the uneven steps approach me until he is right behind me.

"You know you could get yourself killed exposing yourself like that?" I gasp at the sound of his voice and turn around with one startled jump.

I take in the boy in front of me and I see a look in his eyes that I don't like.

"It's just woods back here" I say panting from my shock, hand over my chest in a futile attempt to calm my heart.

"Yeah, I guess" he shrugs and walks towards the edge of the balcony. I examine his face, trying to decipher what it is displaying.

The events of last night replay on my mind and I know I have to tell Peeta right away. I still feel a hollow in my heart from the absence of the life that was never there and I reminisce how a few weeks ago I would have never believed someone if they told me I would feel this way.

But I know it is for the best. So with that in mind I say the words that have been echoing in my mind all day.

"We aren't having a baby. It didn't work" I say staring at my feet, trying to sound as indifferent about it as I can. I try to sneak a peek at Peeta out the corner of my eye to catch his reaction and it is surprisingly different from what I thought it would be.

His eyebrows furrow and he looks ahead as he bites his lips together. He looks awfully grim but doesn't look my way. He nods but says nothing and it looks almost like a nod to his own thoughts.

"Oh" he exhales and looks down. He opens his mouth again then closes it. It is quite a sight to see Peeta out of words. "Well, that's…" he says as he raises his eyebrows and furrows them again in frustration " fortunate" he says and shakes his head as an involuntary sign that he thinks exactly the opposite, as his hair flows wildly in front of his eyes, mixing in with his lashes at the demand of the enraged whirlwind. I feel tempted to speak out and tell him it's ok for him to say he is disappointed, because I am too, but I keep my mouth shut. It will do more harm than good. Peeta can't know. I need for him to feel free of me, so he can find happiness with someone who can share it with him. If I give him any false hopes he will hang unto them for life and always live in misery and it will be my fault. Though a selfish part of me wants to say it, so he will stay with me and keep my nightmares away, hold me when my fears control me and tell me things will be good again. But I regain morals, I don't know where from, and do the selfless thing for Peeta for once in my life.

"So what does this storm mean? Will we have to wait for it to pass over to leave?" I ask, impatient to know how much longer before I see Prim in safety. Even though I have reassurance that she is OK, my fears won't be calmed until I see it myself.

"No, it's perfect. It's exactly what we need" he shakes his head. "With the storm, the Peacekeepers shouldn't be roaming the streets too much once the rain begins and it will be easy to sneak away into the woods. There is a cabin a few miles in where the storm can be waited out but at least, you'll be out of danger by then.

"'You'll?' What do you mean?" I ask, taken aback by his exclusion of himself in the subject.

"You and Haymitch" he says bluntly and pauses at my speechless surprise. "Look, Katniss, we can pretend all we want that we are in this together but we are not. We were. But we aren't anymore. We always were a Capitol's scheme and we tried to what we could for our sanity in the helpless circumstances but there is no need for that. I had been toying with the idea of staying for a while until the baby was born and I had discussed it with Haymitch who agreed it was a good idea. I came here to ask for your opinion but in sight of what you've told me… well, that settles it" he finishes and looks at me for my reaction but I am too baffled for words so he continues. "They need a lot of help in District 8 and I think I could be of use over there…"

"You can be of use in District 13! The mayor said it. We have important jobs waiting for us!" I say finding my words.

He laughs.

"You and Haymitch have important jobs waiting for you. There is nothing for me there. My family refuses to go anywhere but here. And all I will do there is hang around like a love sick puppy, guilting you out of getting close to anybody. And I don't want that for you. You have a chance at having a choice of who to be with, even if that is no one" he says and even though what he says is so true, the idea repulses me. I have gotten so used to having him around that I can't imagine being without him. The selfish me screams out to hold on to him and not let him leave and it is really winning this inside battle.

And then it occurs to me that if he goes to District 8, I may never see him again. It is one of the most dangerous districts now in the rebellion and people are dying by dozens every day, not to mention he is already wanted.

"You'll die! If you go, you'll die! You can't do this, Peeta! Since when do you care about the rebellion anyways?" I ask confused. I would expect this from Gale, whose fire against the Capitol has always burnt bright, but Peeta? The boy with the bread? Now the boy with the sword? This makes no sense.

"So what should I do? Paint and bake while my family and everyone I care about is in danger? If at least I can make a difference… make this place a little better for you… that's enough purpose in life for me" he says and his comment surprisingly gives me no discomfort. It just feels like he punched me in the gut. "even if it means the end of it…"he shrugs. "No one really needs me, anyways" he says and there is no self-pity in his voice. It's true. His family doesn't need him. They will mourn him, as will a handful of friends, but they will get on. Even Haymitch, with the help of a lot of white liquor, will get on. I realize only one person will be damaged beyond repair if Peeta dies. Me.

"I do," I say. "I need you." He looks upset, takes a deep breath as if to begin a long argument, and that's no good, no good at all. So I stop his cold lips with a kiss.

I feel that thing again. The thing I felt before, in the cave last year, when I was trying to get Haymitch to send us food. That kiss was different from every other kiss of thousands others during the Games and after. That kiss made something stir deep inside, made me want more. But my head wound started bleeding and he made me lie down.

This time there is nothing but us to interrupt us. And after a few attempts, Peeta gives up on talking. The sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body and out my arms and legs, to the tips of my being. Instead of satisfying me, the kisses have the opposite effect, of making my need greater. I thought I was sort of an expert on hunger but this is an entirely new kind.

"Stay with me" I plead breaking the kiss.

Peeta's eyes search my face and land on my supplicating eyes and I see his resolve disintegrate. He carefully tucks a strand of hair behind my ear that comes lose almost instantly by the stormy air.

"No, Katniss, no" he says breaking out of the spell. "You're kissing me now because you want me to stay, because you are afraid, but once I agree we will go back to being the way we always are. You'll shut me out and I'll mope around trying to be here for you but never really accomplishing it because I'm not what you want. I'm just what you think you need. Gale and his family are going away with you guys too and…"

"Gale? This is about Gale? No, Peeta, I won't let you do this! I won't let you get yourself killed for no reason. Fine, you don't want to be around me. I won't make you… Just please don't put yourself in danger like this" I beg.

His eyes tell me he wants to say yes so bad but I know he won't before the words are out of his mouth. And with that I am left alone in the balcony, wrapped in my thin nightgown, standing still as the cold rain starts falling on me, letting the boy with the bread get away…

That night we are rushed out the back of the house, with heavy black cloaks to protect us from the fierce storm as we start out into the woods- Haymitch and I, and Gale and his family.

We all notice Peeta isn't with us but no one says a thing. I can tell Gale wants to but knows better. Within a few hours we have reached the cottage, drenched and freezing.

Everyone rushes inside but I take a look back down the mountain and my heart wants to reach out for him, to lure him to come to us.

That night I barely get any sleep and when I do, I awake every time with horrible nightmares. My hands reach out in the darkness out of habit but there is no one to hold on to. So I wrap my hands around my knees and try to calm myself, telling myself I need my rest for the long trip in the morning. I think of Prim and my mother and it gives me strength to go on.

When we reach District 13, we are immediately taken into a room and questioned, ignoring my demands to see Prim and mother first.

When I do get to see them, I feel almost complete. But without Peeta, the picture doesn't seem right.

Here, we are assigned a bigger room for the 3 of us and we try to follow schedule. Or should I say mother and Prim do. I try to get out of it as much as possible. But that only makes not thinking of Peeta harder.

Eventually, Gale and I are allowed to go out to hunt, and it helps.

Sometimes I forget where we are. Then I find some herbs that I know Peeta would die for and I reach out to pick them out in excitement before I realize there will be no one to take them to.

And I feel that ache, that hollow in my chest, that I have been feeling ever since I left District 12. Always wondering if he is still alive.

One day, I am feeling so lonely and so in need of human warmth, that when Gale tries to kiss me, I let him. And I kiss him back. But after a while he stops.

"Why did you stop?" I ask him.

"Why did you kiss me?" he replies with another question.

"Because I wanted to" I simply reply.

"Why did you kiss me like that?" he asks.

"Like what?"

"Like… Like… you would never get the chance to kiss me again…"

I don't know what to say. I really don't know why I did it when I knew I shouldn't have.

"You weren't kissing me, were you?" he shakes his head answering his own question.

"What do you mean? Of course I was" I state.

"No, I mean you were kissing him in your mind" he says.

"Gale!" I cry out because I don't know what else to say.

"It's ok, Katniss, I know" he says looking down.

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, I do" he laughs ironically. "You forget I am your best friend" he says with a hint of melancholy. "You love him" he plainly says, sadness in his eyes.

"Gale, not again! I have explained to you before…"

"You can explain all you want, Catnip, you aren't gonna fool me. I see the way you looked at him, in TV and not in TV. And I would know, you're not that good of an actress" he laughs.

I've heard that before.

"Can you all stop saying that?" I scream frustrated.

"No, we can't. As much as I hate to say it. I don't know how he did it but… you just can't be without him. These last few months you have been walking around like a robot everywhere… And you're gonna tell me when you were kissing me, you weren't doing it out of missing him?" he asks hurtful.

"That doesn't mean…"

"Katniss, what exactly do you think love means, then, huh? What is the sign that you are in love if it isn't what you're doing?" he asks brusquely.

"I'll tell you what being in love means! It means you're weak, it means there is another way you can be hurt! It means if you don't have that person, your life is over, like my mother! And I don't want to end up like her. So I refuse to make her same mistake!" I spit out.

"Too late for that, aren't you? You're a mess, Katniss… Just go get your little boy and make up so this moping around can be over, will ya?" he asks and turns around back to the District.

His words tease in my head and there is no one here to interrupt my thoughts. I flop on the ground, trying to make sense of this mess.

I want Peeta.

I need Peeta.

Why can't I have him?

He loves me and I can't love him back.

Why not?

Because when I lose him I will turn into my mother.

Then it hits me. I already have. I already go about my day mechanically and enjoy nothing in my life, not even the fact that my family is safe.

Could Gale be right?

Am I too far gone already?

The possibility sends shivers through my body and it isn't from the cold.

I realize I can't ignore this question anymore. I have to know.

Only one way to find out…

And here you are, you amazing people who take your time to read this story! Stay tuned because this story is reaching a culmination… Tell me what you think!