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Chapter 23

The rough uneven texture of the thin rope in my hands has caused calluses on my fingertips but it doesn't lose its calming qualities. I have become quite good at making knots, thanks to Finnick, and I have picked up the habit of constantly knotting and unknotting the thin rope he gave me to practice. I have found that it helps me organize my thoughts and relieve my stress.

I am lost in these thoughts when I notice Finnick's smirk in my direction. He is sitting across from me on the hovercraft, Johanna by his side.

"What?" I ask. It always unnerves me when he looks at me that way. Why can't he abandon the way he was forced to be by the Capitol? He doesn't have to act all seductively to everyone he meets anymore.

"Impressive" he says, raising his eyebrows lightly.

"You have seen me make these knots a bunch of times before" I state matter-of-factly. His compliment is confusing.

"Not the knots. That you are still here" he says. Johanna laughs loudly at this.

"You're just afraid because you know you are going to lose" she spits out at him, while he rolls his eyes in annoyance. He is about to retaliate when I speak first.

"Lose what? We all passed our training. There isn't anything left to 'win', is there?" I ask.

Johanna raises one eyebrow and gives Finnick a mocking half smile. Finnick grits his teeth slightly which is precisely Johanna's purpose. This gives her the satisfaction she needs to go on.

"Finnick and I made a bet. I said you were going to drop out of this thing once you find your golden boy and he said you would make it to District 4. But I am pretty sure I am going to win. And I could bet that he is in this District, isn't he?" she asks satisfied with herself. And she is right. About both things. I only plan to stay until this District- District 8- where Peeta is. But how did she know?

They have been trying to break me all three months long, to get to tell them why I am doing this. But there is no way I was going to tell them, of all people. Even if they were already sure of it, I would never confirm it. But how would she know this was the District Peeta is in? I haven't told anyone. I am not even sure he is here. He could be back in 12, for all I know.

We have been going Distrcit by District, starting with 12 and going down. Since most of our class was Victors rescued from the Capitol, they thought it would be a good idea to have us tour the country, being mockingjays of sorts, encouraging the people to keep fighting.

But when we went to District 12 I was too cowardly to go to the baker's store.

And now I am scared to death, knowing we will be landing in District 8 in less than an hour.

She takes me silence as reassurance enough and roars in evil laughter, again.

I wish I knew why these two keep sticking around. They must really get a kick out of bothering me. Though I have to say I have grown used to them, after all. Finnick can be decent when he is doing or talking about something related to District 4- like he did when he was teaching how to make knots. And even Johanna will do something kind before she catches herself and tries to fix the damage by doing something else extraordinarily obnoxious.

But that doesn't stop me from wondering what they want from me. Something prompted them to help me get in the training and it wasn't my winning personality.

But curiosity gets the best of me and I ask her how she knew Peeta was here.

"You have been furrowing your eyebrows the whole way, you're extremely tense and you have not stopped knotting for even a second. And that's even more than your usual" she answers.

I hadn't realized I was showing it. I look away from her. I don't have time for her. I have been getting ready for this moment for months and yet I feel completely unprepared. I have forgotten everything I had wanted to say or do. I feel my heart beat wildly inside my chest and I can't make it calm.

I don't even care that they made a stupid bet about how long I would last.

My fingers struggle to knot faster in a fruitless attempt to make me relax. But even the knotting isn't enough.

"Katniss… stay until Distrcit 4, at least" Finnick pleads and brings me back to the place and moment I am in.

I stare at him in awe at the sincerity I see in his expression. I search but find no playfulness in his eyes. They aren't sparkling like they usually are. Instead they are an unusually dark green and his hands make a praying stance.

"I can't" I admit.

He looks down and up again before he sighs.

"Didn't you ever wonder why Johanna and I helped you?" he asks. I switch from him to Johanna, to search her face for the usual small smile but she looks serious.

"Yes" I declare.

"I need your help" he whispers. I am confused. What could I possibly help Finnick with?

I open my mouth to speak but I see a superior come in our room in that moment and I decide to ask later. I don't know how secret Finnick's problem is.

She instructs us to fasten our seatbelts as we are about to land and it will be a little rough. It has always been rough. We always have to land somewhere remote so we aren't noticed by the Peacekeepers in the District.

I momentarily forget about my troubles as I contemplate curiously what Finnick could need help with.

But I know too little about Finnick to know what could matter to him from his District that he could possibly need me for.

I feel the hit as we land and it is very rough as we were told.

I hold on to the bars beside me for support so I don't hit my head against anything, but even then I hit my elbow with a pipe beside my seat.

We are immediately told to exit the hovercraft and I take in before me the gray and old structures in front of me.

Is there where Peeta lives in now?

And there goes my heart again.

I see as Finnick is separated from Johanna and I, and I notice a problem I had not foreseen before. I had been so focused on getting to District 8 that I hadn't given any thought to how I would get to Peeta once I was here.

In all the rebel camps we have been in before, they always keep the men and the women separate unless there is a fight. The women victors encourage the women and the guy victors encourage the men.

How would I get to Peeta?

My mind races and I am acting before I can think if it is wise or not.

"Wait!" I yell after the guys. "I have to see my husband!" I cry out.

Everyone stops and looks at me questioningly and all I can do is stupidly repeat the same thing.

"I have to see my husband" I say panting, but more calm now. I don't know if this will work or not but it's too late. I have to go along with it.

Finnick is looking at me in surprise and everyone else looks suspicious.

And I am not sure why.

"You don't have a husband anymore, sweetie" one of the men says with an evil grin. Do they know? Has Peeta told them it was all a lie?

I run through any ideas I can think of. What do I do now? I can't have come all the way here and not see Peeta.

"Peeta!" I call out, hopelessly hoping that Peeta will hear me from wherever he is and come to my rescue, to talk these guys into letting me see him, talk to him, convince him that he has to be with me.

Because if he doesn't then I will turn into my mother and mope around the rest of my life, making everyone around me miserable. And I can't do that.

It's too late for me to go on without him. My plan to never get married failed because I did. And I expected a baby with him. And I wanted it. And it somehow became real in my head and now I need him too much. So there is nothing to do there.

I am hopelessly in love with him. And if I can't fall out of love, then I must have him, so I can be normal again.

My stomach turns as it always does when I admit this in my mind and my desperation becomes more real. I look at Finnick and plead with me eyes for his help.

He raises one eyebrow and I know he is asking me for my help in District 4 before he does anything to help me.

I plead more with my eyes. I can't accept to do this without knowing what it is!

I look around me and I see I have no other option.

I softly nod in his direction.

"Guys, guys, it's alright. I'll make sure she behaves. She just wants to get something of hers that he has. Trust me, I'll have her back to her quarters in no time" Finnick proposes to the guards.

They seem to consider it but eye him suspiciously.

"Trust me; I'll get rid of her as soon as possible. I'm not exactly looking forward to chaperoning anyway" he assures them.

The guards release my arms and I feel my heart start to beat again. I feel life coming back to me and I am so thankful to Finnick. Yet I know I can't keep my promise to him. I have to stay here with Peeta whatever the cost. My stomach twists and turns with guilt as I walk beside him.

I stare down at my feet and refuse to meet his eyes but I think he suspects my betrayal. He says nothing.

We pass gray, small buildings as we make our way. Men are sitting outside and they stare as we pass. I don't know if they recognize the Victors or they are just surprised to see a female in their camp. They look dirty and underfed and I ache for them- for these men whose families must be as starving as they are- yet here they are- fighting for the hope of a better future. And they are killing others and risking their own lives for that hope. And it disgusts me that we must do this. How can we enjoy the outcome once we win, if we win, when we know so many have died for it?

And more than ever I wish I had run away, like the coward I am, to the woods with Peeta and Gale and our families so I wouldn't have to see this and feel like this.

We are reaching the end of the dirt road and we are guided to the last beat down building of the row.

We walk in and take our surroundings. There are holes in the walls and on the roof, where the cold chill sneaks in. The room is completely empty except for some dirty mats lying around and everyone searches for the cleanest ones until they realize it's pointless and just flop down on one.

It's been a long time that Victors haven't lived in these conditions.

"You two, come with me" a guard signals to me and Finnick to follow him and we do.

We walk towards the biggest building. Though it's big, it is just as beat up as the others. I notice a chimney letting out smoke and I imagine Peeta is the reason for it.

My heart wants to fly out of my chest towards it.

The guard leaves us in front of the door.

"Make sure she gets whatever she needs and gets out" he strongly instructs Finnick.

Finnick nods and waits until he has walked away.

Then he looks at me, not a drop of pity in his eyes.

He licks his lips as he looks around us then towards the ground.

He finally looks up and speaks.

"You aren't going to help me, are you? You won't stay till District 4" he states as a fact.

I can't speak but he knows my answer.

"Just go" he shakes his head and he looks so disappointed.

What could possibly matter so much to him?

I want to figure it out but my longing to see Peeta is stronger and I leave Finnick outside as I open the door and search the large room I am in now.

All I see are tables of all sizes with chairs that are just as different from each other as they are from the tables themselves.

But there is no one here. I see a few doors at the back wall and I read the first.

Cleaning.

The second spells 'Mechanical'.

My heart jumps as I read the last.

Kitchen.

I gulp and straighten my bullet-proof vest. I look down at my dark green suit.

The action seems foreign. I can't remember ever worrying about my appearance before yet I can't help it.

I pat my hair down and tuck it behind my ears. I feel my braid to check it's smooth and I feel slightly Capitol-ish to be doing this.

My heavy soldier boots stomp the cement floor as I cross the large empty room towards the door reading 'Kitchen'.

With every step, I feel it come closer and my body threatens to turn back around and run out of here.

I let out a shaky breath as I reach the door.

This is it.

This is the moment I have been looking forward to and dreading all together for the last six months.

My hand trembles as it reaches for the doorknob.

It feels cool under my touch.

I hold it in my hand but can't turn it.

I take a deep breath to summon the courage.

I search my head for that speech I have spent every minute of the last months preparing but realize it is completely stupid.

I can't say any of those things.

So here I am, standing motionless, feet away from my future, and my mind is going blank.

I will walk in and screw everything with Peeta, like I always do.

I hope, I wish, I long to say whatever convinces Peeta to save me but what is that?

And before I can prepare myself I feel the doorknob twist under my hand and I let go of it like it's as hot as burning coal.

I didn't twist it.

So then how did it…

I receive my answer as the door opens from the other side.

A/N:… :D what did you think? Did you like? Oh please tell me! I'm dying here! lol