Clara and the Doctor exchange a brief e-mail correspondence across the galaxies
From: Clara
To: The Doctor
Dear Doctor,
How are you? I hope you are rotting in hell because that is where you belong, you insufferable no-show. You better have a good explanation for skipping the dinner I so gracefully prepared for us.
Love,
Clara
From: The Doctor
To: Clara
Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaara it's so nice to hear from you! I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you I couldn't make it. Being captured by cyber-monkeys tends to be a little distracting, but I promise it won't happen again.
I'm glad to hear you still love me even though you are mad at me and I hope the food didn't go to waste. What did you make for us? Please don't spare any details, the only food they've been giving me has been something that I'm guessing - hoping - is smashed blue bananas. Yuck.
Love,
The Doctor
From: Clara
To: The Doctor
Cyber-monkeys? Why didn't you bring me to see the planet of the-cyber monkeys instead of that XXX century museum of cutlery you showed me last week? I'm starting to think you are keeping all of the best places to yourself. I know that I've been traveling with you for more than I care to admit - more than I could even keep count of, really - but you still have the two-thousand something years advantage and the universe is vast, so you don't need to worry that I'll ever catch up with you.
"Love" is something you put at the end of an e-mail, you oaf. Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I should forget my manners, but please don't take it literally until I say you can.
And if you think that being held captive somewhere in space will be enough for me to forgive you... well, my dear friend, you are mistaken. How did that happen, by the way? Please keep in mind that I'm not asking because I'm worried about you, but because I'm curious. You know I love a good story.
Love,
Clara
P.s.: I made chicken curry and there was ice cream for dessert. The good chocolate one that you like. I had to eat it all by myself BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. Enjoy your blue bananas
From: The Doctor
To: Clara
Well EXCUSE ME if I thought that you might have enjoyed it as much as I do. It's one of my go-to-places for when I'm stressed and I need to relax. It's like your "Netflix and chill", isn't it? I was inviting you to my version of "Netflix and chill" and you just... You know what? I know every single language that has ever been spoken and that ever will be and I don't even know a good word to describe how ungrateful you are.
Well. Ungrateful, probably.
Anyway, if you can't appreciate the beauty of the evolution of the fork, then that's your problem. Next time I'll show you something else, instead. Something boring.
In any case, I only found the cyber-monkeys by accident. Something went wrong with the TARDIS and she landed me in this place. Did you temper with the console again? It's the only explanation possible, I never land her in the wrong place/time.
You know, I've never been here before. Nor have I ever heard of this planet before. That's new. You're never too old to try new stuff, see new places. And even though I now am in a small cell with no windows, it was worth it to come here.
You should see it, Clara. The entire planet is covered by a huge forest. A bit like a few years ago, on Earth, but here the trees are so much higher and all of different colors. Oh, and they are electronic.
I was exploring - because you don't discover a new planet without exploring it afterwards, it's just good manners - when the monkeys captured me and they got my TARDIS, too. Now I'm stuck in a sort of cell. It's completely bare and they only open it once a day to feed me. Thank god I'm not a human, because the days here are 48 hours and 23 minutes long.
I know you know I counted them. Well, what can I say, there wasn't much to do here before you wrote to me.
You are always good company, even when you're mad, and I await your reply most impatiently.
Love,
The Doctor
From: Clara
To: The Doctor
Doctor, I don't think you understand what humans from the 21st century mean when they say "Netflix and Chill". I'll tell you all about it when you're older.
I DON'T temper with the TARDIS. I fly her. The only one who loves tempering is you. I know it. River knows it. The TARDIS knows it. And it's about time you learnt it, too. It usually goes like this: you temper, you forget all about it as soon as you are finished, something goes terribly wrong, you blame someone else. Generally, me. And you always do what now? If I had a pound for each time you've taken me to the wrong place/time I could buy a TARDIS all of my own, probably. I mean, have you even met you? Actually, I know for a fact that you have – remember that time you saved Gallifrey and you were all so competitive about who was cleverer and who had the biggest screwdriver? Seriously, You're the only person I know who manages to compete with himself.
OK, I was joking in my last email. If I have to be totally honest with you, I always love it. Traveling with you, that is. Even when it is to strange museums. It might because of you. We always have the best of times, you and I, don't we?
When you are finished with this prisoner-phase of yours, will you show me this place? You didn't go exactly into detail, but my mind raced today during school and I kept fantasying about it and in my imagination it got increasingly beautiful the more I got bored.
It's been a long day, I don't know if you can tell.
By the way, how long are you planing on staying there? It doesn't seem like the ideal situation. As a matter of fact, it seems rather dull to stay all day closed in a cell with no windows with nothing else to do but wait for my emails. And speaking of, if you can write to me, AKA use the internet, you should be able to come back, too. So why are you still there, again?
Thank you Doctor, you are pretty good company yourself, even when you're not here.
But be here soon, OK?
Love,
Clara
P.S.: this time, I really mean the "love" part.
From: The Doctor
To: Clara
Don't be silly, Clara. Second of all, they only give TARDISes to Time Lords. You know, Gallifreyans who have gone through the Academy and all that unbearable bureaucracy? If you think you humans have it bad, you should see the queues to our post offices. They're idiots, Clara. They think they are all that just because they are sooooo clever, but actually they were, are and always will be idiots. But I'm digressing and you know all of this already. And first of all, Gallifrey is lost, so where would you even buy a TARDIS? There are no IKEAs where you can buy mountable time machines. Yet. And they won't be TARDISes when they do.
Why do you want to buy a TARDIS anyway? I thought you liked traveling with me, but I'm starting to wonder whether you are just taking advantage of me, because of my dashing ride. Either way, shame on you.
Oh no, right – then you write about how you like traveling with me. Sorry. I should just delete what I've just written, but life is too short to be waisted on such things so I'll just leave it there. You are clever, I know you'll get it.
I'm sorry to hear it's been a long day for you, too. What happened? Tell me about your day, Clara.
I am using my sonic sunglasses to write to you. And before you get too angry, let me answer the questions you already have on the tip of your tongue, because I know what you are going to say. Could't have I broken free from my cell with the aid of my sonic sunglasses? No, this cell is made of wood. Why can I upgrade my screewdriver hundreds of times and still not have a wood setting? I don't know, Clara, but I do have a theory that it might be a plot-device flaw. Just think Death Star from the first Star Wars movie. But couldn't I have called for help? Yes. Even better, couldn't I have summoned the TARDIS with them? Absolutely. Then why didn't I do that, Doctor? Well, it's very simple, Clara. This way I get to study a new alien civilisation! Isn't that exciting? I've tried to learn all I could about their habits and their ways of life, and their motifs of course. I can't be held here for days at a time without any questioning, there must be a reasons and I am going to find out what it is, I promise you that.
Don't worry, Clara, I'll be there soon :) And then I'll take you somewhere nice, wherever and whenever you want, to make up for missing our dinner and to thank you for being so patient with me.
Love,
Doctor
P.S.: I've always meant it
From: Clara
To: The Doctor
"They think they are all that just because they are sooooo clever, but actually they were, are and always will be idiots" – you managed to sum up your life in just one phrase, bravo ;)
(I am just kidding, I love you, don't be mad)
There must be a reason, you say. You, of all people, should know that that is not true. You've spent centuries saving and traveling with humans, and yet you forget how they react to what is new and different. They are frightened by it and they lock it away. Is it such a stretch to think that other civilisation would do the same? Actually, this isn't a rhetorical question. I'm positively curious. I wonder why I've never thought about this before.
How was my day? I'm so glad you asked. It. Was. So. Long. I didn't even have a trip with the TARDIS to look forward to, thank you very much. Instead, I spent all day trying to avoid eye contact with the classroom clock. It was a battle I sorely lost, I'm afraid. I imagine even my students would have noticed if they hadn't been too busy doing the same.
I don't know, Doctor. Lately, I feel restless. You know, like when you are watching television, but you can't stand still and you feel the need to keep your hands occupied, to do something else at the same time. Like knitting.
(By the way, I hope you liked the new scarf I knitted for you. You better at least say it was better than the last one, because it is. I'm getting better. But the third one's the charm, you'll see)
I would like to be able to appreciate the joys of teaching as much as I used to. I still do, but less frequently and I get bored much easily.
That's thanks to you, by the way. How can I be ever fully content when I know what I could be doing instead?
Still, it depends on the days. On what period it is, even. Today I gave my year 11 a surprise test just because I didn't feel like doing anything else, but than I went outside with my year 8, because it was a beautiful day, and we did our lesson in the school's botanical garden. We walked among the plants and I talked about Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. They were all unusually good (you know how my year 8 can be), but it was also because I told them I would give them so much homework that they would forget what it means to have fun for the rest of the year, if they didn't behave. They had also been looking forward to do this for ages, ever since I had promised them I would show them what a peripatetic lecture looked like. You know, like the ones Aristotle does (don't tell Aristotle, I promised him I wouldn't, he's so jealous of his methods).
So that was nice, actually.
Then, off to overhaul my motorbike and grocery shopping. Boring pudding brain sort of chores. Argh, listen to me. I'm starting to sound like you.
Now I'm at home, writing to you instead of getting started with the pile of essays I have to revise. Still better than watching the new episode of Orphan Black. No matter how hardly I'm tempted, I won't. I'll wait for you, I promise. This reminds me, I miss you.
Tell me what you've learnt about those cyber-monkeys in your next letter and I'll tell you all about what Libby wrote in her essay. I had told them her write about her hero. It's you, in case you missed it.
Lots of love,
Clara
From: The Doctor
To: Clara
You are right about humans. I seem to always forget how most of humanity reacts to what, and who, is different, because I'm so used to travel with the best of them. But you must also consider that in 2015 they are still so primitive – relatively speaking, that is. More advanced civilisations react differently when they get visitors from outer space, because they are so used to them. And since when have you started referring to humans as "them", anyway? Moving on...
Oh, the things I've learnt, Clara.
I've learnt that they communicate not only by words but also by tapping their feet on the ground. Words take different meaning according to how many taps they produce at the same time. For instance, "Ftukhen" with one tap means water, but with two it means river, and three sea. Isn't it fascinating? You might wonder, "but how can they walk or run and talk at the same time?". Easy, they actually use their long tale to move. It's electronic, you see, and it's appositely engineered to stretch to different lengths and magnetically latch on to those trees I told you about. The different colors aren't just aesthetic either, they actually indicate the different roads, that lead to different places. But not all of them, some of them you can't latch onto, because they carry out specific functions - like lighting, or supermarkets.
Oh yes, I forgot to tell you. I'm free now. Turns out that these civilisation of cyber-monkeys are highly hypochondriac, so they put every new visitor in quarantine. Basically, they keep them three days inside special containment cells and they feed them specially devised detox food. They didn't tell me that because they thought it was obvious. So, just a cultural mishap, apparently.
I've spent the last day exploring and talking to the locals and now I have so much new information I can't wait to tell you. They are preparing me a special feast this evening, in compensation for the discomfort they put me in. As soon as that is over I'm coming, I promise.
I've missed you, too, Clara.
Lots of love,
The Doctor
From: Clara
To: The Doctor
Finally! I was giving up hope. I thought you had left me stranded on Earth for ever.
Will you take me to visit this planet of the cyber-monkeys? It seems lovely, although I'm not so sure about those three days of quarantine.
Speaking of, where are you taking me next?
I'm waiting.
Love,
Clara
From: The Doctor
To: Clara
Wherever and wherever you want, Clara. How about going to see the Galactic Championship of fire-skating? Would you be interested in that?
I know you were only joking, but you never have to worry about me leaving you behind. Not now, not ever. Not you, Clara. My Clara. I couldn't bear it.
I'm coming, now. Lend an ear for the sound of the TARDIS and be ready to run. :)
Love,
The Doctor