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Chapter 24

White.

All I see is white.

A cloud of white swirls and descends upon me, finding rest on my body.

The smoke slowly covers every inch of me. I watch as I am transformed into a sparkly white figure.

The fog finally descends and lands on the floor around me. I examine it carefully, wondering what it could be.

Is this… flour?

The question sends my head snapping forward and I have my suspicions confirmed. I contemplate in front of me an equally white figure, completely immobile, except for eyelashes that blink uncontrollably in an attempt to shake off the dust. They seem longer and heavier under all the flour.

My heart jumps as I recognize the peculiarly long lashes I particularly remember noticing, as their owner and I worked on my mother's apothecary book.

Yes, even cloaked under all the flour, I could recognize him anywhere.

Here I am, living the moment I had waited so long for, my insides about to explode with all the compressed words. My head spins and I struggle to find the right thing to say.

"You spilled some flour" I point out stupidly, as I see the empty container in which he must have had it before I scared him half to death and made him send it flying in the air.

I almost automatically want to slap myself. That's the best I can say?

How about: 'I can't believe I finally found you' or It's so good to see you again'.

No, I had to tell him he spilled flour, thanks to me.

Peeta looks at me in disbelief, blinking various times, as he considers if this is real or not.

I wait for him to speak, expectantly.

"Katniss… You're here" he finally chokes out.

"Yes, I am" I reply. I realize we seem to be competing to see who can state the most obvious.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

I'm here for you, I want to say.

"I'm with the other Victors. We are going through the Districts to encourage the rebels" I say instead, even though I am dying to tell him what I've been holding in for so long.

He makes no reply. Instead he looks at me sideways, mouth slightly open. My mind searches for possibilities. What is he thinking? Is he upset to see me?

My knees tremble, trying to force me to run but my feet are glued to the floor. There is a magnetic force pulling towards Peeta and I can't shake it off.

"You're all covered in flour…" he points out. Yep. We're definitely trying to see who can be more obvious here.

All I can manage is a meager shrug and the motion sends the flour on my clothes all over the place again.

"Uh, let's put that stuff in the wash. Come, I'll get you something to wear" he says as he runs his fingers through his hair, sending more flour up in the air.

I feel relief to have an excuse not to explain myself just yet, but at the same time I ache to say what I came here for. I know if I don't I will hate myself for it. I just have to do it.

"I'm sorry I made you spill it" I attempt to apologize.

"Uh, it's fine" he waves my apology away without meeting my eyes.

He is being so different and I am puzzled by it. Has he forgotten about me in these months? It certainly looks like it.

He motions for me to follow him out of the kitchen and starts walking out.

"Don't you have work to do? I don't mean to interrupt" I say as we leave the kitchen.

"Oh, no, I just help to pass the time but it's not my job" he laughs nervously. "It gets boring in between battles so I'd rather make myself useful" he says, once again staring at the floor in front of him as he walks and I follow.

Of course he spends his time helping others instead of moping around like the other soldiers. I feel warmth spread to me as I realize at least that hasn't changed. He is still kind and unselfish.

He walks out of the dining hall and towards the gray buildings where I suppose they stay.

The men stare at us, covered in flour walking down the dirt road, and for a second I ponder on what they think about these two kids covered in flour. But I have bigger problems to worry about at the moment.

Peeta walks silently, hands in the pockets of his apron, intensely focused on the ground in front of him. I look at him from time to time, in search of something but I see nothing. None of that spark in his eyes is left. Was it the war? Or was it me? I take a few looks at him, expecting him to say something but nothing prompts him to speak.

I can't help thinking this to be so unlike Peeta. Could he be treating me like this on purpose?

Either way I have to know, I have to tell him. Even if he throws it back in my face. I deserve it anyways.

But fear takes over again and I decide I will tell him everything once we get these clothes taken care of, even though I know I am just making excuses to prolong the unevitable.

I see him walk past the buildings and make a right in between two.

I wonder where he is going. I thought all the soldier quarters were back there.

I watch us approach a smaller building that I had not seen before, hiding behind one of the bigger ones. It seems to be in a little better shape than the others.

I remember how ours was laid out- no walls, no furniture- and I wonder if I will have to walk in a large room full of men with Peeta and I covered in flour from head to toe. I just can't imagine having such a conversation in those circumstances and I gulp at the thought of it.

But as we near it, I don't see anyone sitting outside as I saw back there.

Peeta leads me through the front door and down a hall with doors to both sides and at the end of it some stairs. We climb them up to reach another hall full of doors and I just follow him faithfully.

I am dying to know what we are doing here but Peeta remains as quiet as ever.

I consider this may be a laundry building perhaps.

We walk till about halfway and he opens a squeaky door to a small room with an equally small bed in it. There is a dresser in very bad conditions and a small mirror yet it's more than the other buildings have, especially in the privacy department.

Is this Peeta's?

"How come you don't stay with the other soldiers?" I ask, not able to hold it back anymore.

"This is the quarters for the generals and what not… They had a spare one so they gave it to me… It's not much but at least it has walls" he says. "I'll get you something" he says and walks over to the dresser.

He opens the first drawer and neatly folded at the very top I see a familiar shade of green.

My heart races at the sight of it. Memories flash in front of me at the sight of the familiar piece of clothing and though there is no reason for it, I feel my throat tighten and my cheeks warm up.

"It was the only thing that fit you, remember?" he says with a soft chuckle as he hands me the green sweatshirt that I wore as a night gown during our honeymoon.

As he hands it to me my walls almost crumble down and I let it all out. But I examine his expression and he doesn't encourage me to speak. So I don't.

I nod and walk towards the only door I see and assume is the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me and, instead of changing, I rest against the door and slowly let my legs give out until I am sitting on the floor.

I look around me and see four small walls surround me. The paint looks old and washed out just like everything else in it. Yet this is a luxury here.

I sigh.

I had not expected to find Peeta like this. The last time I saw him wasn't the warmest. I sought to reassure him to stay with me and tried kissing him into it, though it didn't work. But at least he showed he cared for me. He kissed me back even though he didn't budge.

I later realized, though I did love him, that's not why I had wanted him to stay. I had wanted him because it meant not being alone, because he kept away my nightmares… because I couldn't bear the thought of facing everything without him.

But now I am here. And now I understand better. I understand it is too late to turn things back. Peeta slowly crawled his way into my heart and stole it without me realizing it.

And all I did was push him away.

And now, here I am, hiding in his bathroom, about to change into our honeymoon clothes, trying to summon the courage to say what I know I can't leave this District without saying, no matter what.

I realize he must be wondering why I am taking so long so I take off my uniform and slip on the large sweatshirt.

I look in the mirror and my face and hair are covered in flour. I grab the only towel I see and I try to wipe it off as best as I can. I try to shake the dust off my hair but my appearance doesn't improve much. This isn't the way I expected things to go.

I walk out and hand him my clothes as he puts them together with his that he took off as I was in the bathroom.

"I'll be right back" he says and with that he walks out and leaves me alone in his room, rehearsing over and over what I will say, though I know as soon as he is back I will forget it all over again.

It seems like ages before he arrives yet much too soon.

The sound of the creaking door startles me and I find myself sitting up and the bed as I see him walk in.

I hopefully search his face for any kind emotion but it seems blank.

He sits across from me on a chair as I awkwardly sit on the bed.

"How's Haymitch?" he asks.

"Sober, against his own will though" I say smiling as I remember how hard it was for Haymitch to adapt to not being drunk all the time. "They don't allow alcohol in District 13".

"Yeah, I can imagine how rough that must have been" he laughs and it is such a wonderful sound.

I realize I had missed that sound so much.

His smile is just like the old one and it comforts me.

And here, as we laugh about Haymitch, it almost feels like everything is back to the way it was.

But they are not. And I need to grasp control of the situation if I don't want to lose him again.

I have to make it right. I search my mind again for my little speech till I remember some of it.

I battle to say what is on the tip of my tongue. And I just can't do it.

"And how's Prim… and your mother?" he inquires.

"Good, working in the District clinic" I respond in as little possible words as I can.

There is a pause of silence and as I am about to speak he beats me to it.

"Katniss, what are you really doing here?" he asks, and I see that wounded look in his eyes. At least, it's some emotion.

"I told you…" I try to explain like the coward I am.

"No, Katniss, why did you come to the kitchen, to me?" he asks, his voice insecure and expectant.

"I came to convince you to come with us, on to the other Districts. We could use your support" I lie.

He nods but says nothing for a few seconds.

He stares at his hands as he furrows his eyebrows in deep thought.

"I'm good here" he says and I can hear the lie in his tone. "I like District 8 and I keep busy. I get to help a lot".

"Peeta, since when do you care about the war?" I ask.

"Do you really want to know?" he asks.

"Yes! I really want to know! Because all your choices are so confusing and so unlike you and I don't understand!" I finally explode.

"Things changed" he says.

"What things changed, Peeta?" I ask exasperated.

"Everything changed, Katniss. When I thought of… our little baby coming into this hell…" he says, his voice slightly breaking.

The baby.

I remember the baby that never was.

And as I sit here on Peeta's bed, wrapped up in his green sweatshirt, a hole opens up in my chest as I think of it.

I don't know what to say.

I can't say I wanted it too. He would never believe me. I never wanted children. And to be honest, I still can't think about bringing a creature into this world to suffer like we have.

Yet, the image of the little boy I saw in my head the night we came into District 12 hasn't left my mind in all these months.

"Well, I am going to go check on those clothes" he says as he stands up. But I know the clothes can't possibly be ready and he's just trying to get away.

But I can't let this moment, this opportunity slip away again.

And it all comes blurting out of my mouth like an over flowing river.

"Peeta, wait! Why… Why are you being like this?" I choke out. "What happened? What did I do?... Where did the Peeta who loved me since the age of 5 go, the one who would risk anything for me?" I ask my voice trembling.

He stands by door, supporting his weight on the frame looking down.

I look at him intensely, trying to convey what my words can't express, trying to move him somehow.

He sighs and closes his eyes.

"He's still there" he simply says. But this only confuses me more. If he's still there then why is he acting like this?

"Then why can't I see him?! Where is he?! Because I can't see him, Peeta! I haven't seen him ever since I stepped foot in this District! Tell me where he is, so I can tell him… so I can tell him I love him and… and… I want him and… I don't understand why he is pushing me away!" I scream out in frustration and I am left panting. My words hang in the air and every passing second I regret saying what I did more. I have never felt so vulnerable before and I know his next words could break me forever. I can already see myself turned into my mother for the rest of my life, turned into a lifeless being who lost all joy in life because she was stupid enough to fall in love and put her heart out on the line.

I search his eyes for that love and compassion that characterize him.

Did he…? Could he have realized he shouldn't love me, that I am a horrible person who hurts everyone around her, and I could never deserve him?

Hope sparks as I see him lift his eyes and look at me.

And there it is. There is Peeta. There are his eyes, his expression, his kindness, his compassion.

"He was stupid. But he's still there" he says again but now looking at me with those eyes…

And I know I have to go on.

"Where? Because I need him… I need him to be with me and tell me everything is going to be ok, that I am never going to lose him again" I say, not caring anymore what comes out of my mouth. I can hardly make things worse and my chest is aching to say everything it has been holding back.

He crosses the room in two steps and takes me in his arms and I bask in the feel of his cotton shirt under my cheek as his arms surround me and make me feel safe again.

"He's here" he says into my ear. His breath feels like a warm breeze that breathes life back into my body.

"Good. So can he not leave again?" I ask. "Because I don't think I could take it" I say looking into his eyes.

"I'm so sorry" he says as he looks into my eyes, with that pure expression I love, that way he looks that is so uniquely him.

"Stay with me" I plead him.

"Always" he promises.

He drops a hesitant kiss on my forehead.

I kiss his nose.

I feel his breath in my face and I wait patiently.

And it finally comes.

The warm feel of his lips on mine and I feel complete. They softly press against mine and though we have kissed countless times before, this is our first real kiss, and it feels just like it should.

Perfect.

A/N: I hope you liked! :D Don't worry this isn't the end though it is drawing close to it!

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