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Dear you,

I think I must have stood in the middle of the front door blinking constantly for at least half and hour. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

He wrote back!

You see, I decided that I needed to reach out to Eric about 2 weeks ago. I don't know what came over me but I just needed a little nudge a simple note to say "please don't forget about me, I haven't forgotten about you!" So I send a letter, not expecting anything back. Not even a bit of hope for one. I just did it, completely out of selfishness, I found it liberating.

My letter was really short; actually I should just call it a note. It just said

I am sorry.

Heck I didn't even signed it; I just mailed it to him without a returning address. What if she was screening his mail or something? Plus, I figured the letter didn't make its way to him or if he didn't know who it was from, it would mean it was just not meant to be.

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw the envelope and his hand writing on the front of it. I didn't need to open it, I knew it was his. I was a bit shocked but I also felt the stomach crunching fear of what I would find. I wasn't sure I was ready to read what he had to say. So I took the envelope inside and set it on the table. I walked away almost as if I was making a point it didn't change anything to my situation and that I did not need to know.

Sam and I are just not working. I haven't told him yet that my feet are basically out the door because I don't know how. Do I tell him I just don't love him anymore? Or do I tell him the truth that I cannot forget Eric and that I'd rather be alone?

It would be easy to blame silly things like he never picks up after himself, he is never home, we never really do anything as a couple or our intimacy is not what it used to be but I feel that would actually be lying because I know the real reason. I don't love him because I love another.

I don't want to hurt Sam but I know I will have to. I find it hard to look at him anymore and I always pull away if he tries to kiss me or hold me. It is at a point now he doesn't try anymore. Some nights I know he sleeps on the couch because he doesn't want to be rejected again.

I feel terrible. I don't know how to leave a marriage. There is no book about it and it is certainly something that is frown upon here. So who should I turn to? Can I even tell someone or should I just suck it up and take it as punishment.

He mentioned couples' therapy the other day. I humoured him and I said I would go with him but I secretly hope the therapist will be smart enough to see I don't want to be with him anymore and give him the appropriate tools to help himself. I told him that I am willing to fight for us but I didn't mean it.

Does that make me a liar? Well I am answering my own questions I guess, of course it does. It comes so naturally now. I have been pretending to love him for so long now it comes almost automatically.

I think I left the letter on the table until Sam came home. By then, I had debated to read it but when I heard the door, I ran to the table terrified he would find it and wonder who it is from. Worst, he would actually recognize the hand writing and flip his shit.

I placed it in my pocket and I could tell by the look on his face he found my behavior odd. I brushed it off and started cooking dinner as a nice diversion. I also asked him how the bar was and told him I would be going in an hour. I knew he would have preferred if I stayed home tonight especially that I noticed he was making an extra effort to ensure the shifts were covered by the waitresses but the truth was that I enjoyed working because it meant I wasn't home.

I ate my dinner with him that night and itched to get to work partly because I didn't want to be in the same house as him but also because I wanted to read the letter and the bar was the perfect place. I said bye to him and he didn't even answer.

When I got to work, I placed the letter on the desk in the office and proceeded to work because I still didn't have enough guts to open it. Go figure.

I am sure you are dying to know what was in it so I will spare you the details but I actually waited until the bar was closed, empty and locked up to open it. I wanted to be completely alone. It was 2 o'clock in the morning; I was exhausted, stressed and scared. I knew that if anything negative was in it the letter, I was not in shape to handle it properly so being alone was a safety precaution really. It was now or never and I actually considered burning it so I would never know but I didn't.

Lover,

There is nothing to be sorry for. I don't know how I could ever make it right by you.

My heart jumped out of my chest or at least that is how it felt. I blinked a few times in disbelief but also out of shock. I don't know what I was expecting, I wasn't sure if we would play the blame game or if he would just ignore me but I guess I didn't expect this. Nothing to be sorry for? Right by me? He even called me lover!

I let out a sound I can only described as a mix of relief, surprised and contempt. As if someone had taken a huge weight of my shoulders, I felt light.

I must have stayed there for at least an hour, I can't remember but time doesn't matter when it comes to matters of the heart. I was prepared to stay alone for the rest of my life but now, with just a few words, he had given me the hope I thought I would never have again.

I cried a lot, unable to contain all the feelings that were pouring in. He didn't sound angry or annoyed; I mean he took the time to reply to me!

I didn't what to do with myself, how to stop the tears, how to freaking breathe. I ended up leaving when I was able to somewhat composed myself but I was praying Sam would be in bed and wouldn't see the mess I was.

I didn't sleep that night or any nights since. I go from being super happy and hopeful to worried and scared. The motional rollercoaster is hard to hide from Sam but I manage. I know I need to tell him it's over, if I was convinced before the letter now I am determined.

Sookie