"This war ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors
Pulling fistfuls of rotten wood from my heart, oh I still believe in saviours."
Listener ~ "Wooden Heart"
Laura doesn't know how long they spent outside. It could have been only a couple of minutes, but at the same time it could have been two hours. Carmilla held her close, she kept on drawing little artworks on her exposed skin, making Laura nearly melt in the process - she kept on asking herself how such a simple touch can feel so incredibly good. They were silently talking, laughing together and kissing now and again. Laura never felt so close to anybody in her life before. It's ridiculous really.
But like everything in life, even the most beautiful things end. Carmilla takes her hand and pulls Laura into a standing position. She doesn't let go of her hand, while she takes another step towards Laura and pulls her close, melting their bodies together. Laura loops her arms around the other girl gently running her fingers up and down her back.
"Laura, do you want to be my girlfriend?"
This time Laura doesn't wait for an invitation, she closes the distance between them and kisses her. Carmilla seems surprised at first, but it doesn't take her long to answer with as much passion as Laura. Carmilla nibbles on her lower lip, drawing a moan from her the other girl.
"I take that as a yes." Carmilla mumbles in between kisses. Laura nods furiously, and presses a kiss on the corner of her girlfriend's mouth.
"Yes," Laura sighs kissing her cheek. "Yes." She uses her hand to softly turn Carmilla's face to plant a kiss on the other cheeks. "Yes," she breathes in her lips lingering on Carmilla's forehead. "Yes." Their lips meet again for a final, sweet kiss, before they break apart grinning at each other like the idiots they are.
"Come on, I want to show you something."
Laura follows her girlfriend, holding on to her hand. Laura isn't sure what to expect inside. They have been gone for some time and she has no idea if Will's friends are still there or if they have already gone home. She dreads facing them. She dreads facing Danny's friends.
For the first time since she ran after Carmilla she thinks about the girl that was supposed to be her date for the night. She does like Danny, a lot. She has been nothing but nice and amazing towards Laura, and Laura would have never agreed to go on a date with her if she didn't feel like there could be something between them. But. But whatever they could have been fades compared to the girl that is currently holding her hand like she will never let it go again. She had never felt this aching need to be with somebody, to just feel their comforting touch, before. Danny pales in comparison.
"Hey cupcake, you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm good." Laura grips her hand firmly. "Let's just get this over with, alright?"
Carmilla nods. With a swift movement she opens the sliding door and hand in hand they enter the lion's den.
The first thing Laura notices is the faint smell of boozes that escapes into the cool night, when the door slides open. She looks at Carmilla, who seems to have noticed as well. She scrunches up her nose, taking the biting smell in.
It's remarkably silent in the room, everybody is looking at them. Will's sitting on a large sofa, his legs propped on a small table in front of him, a glass of some dark liquid in his lap. Opposite of him the couple that had been at each others throat during the dinner is snuggling up to each other. The girl is straddling his lap and he has lipstick smeared all over his lips. So much for totally being over each other. But even they have paused their make out session to stare at them.
Perry is opposite of them at the door going out into the foyer, holding a coat over her arms that seems familiar, but Laura can't really place it at the moment. She is smiling at them. She's the only one. Everybody else is all tight lips and stony eyes.
How the blind girl notices her before Laura, is still a mystery to her.
"Clifford," Carmilla bites out. Laura winces at the name, frantically searching the room for Danny. She is sitting on an armchair next to Will, the couple had been blocking her from view. But now Danny is leaning forward, looking Laura up and down. She halts, when she notices their intertwined hands. Her eyes fly up to Laura again, an unfamiliar emotion flickering through them. She doesn't seem angry, but rather... disappointed?
Fuck. She hadn't expected Danny to be her; after all it was her that stood Laura up for some stupid sorority meeting.
"Hi," Laura manages to say after all. It's barely more than a whisper, but since everybody else is just staring and waiting to see how everything will play out between them, the words linger in the room longer than Laura likes.
Danny stands up, her eyes never leaving Laura's. Will gets up as well and tries to hold her back, grabbing for her arm, but she ignores him. He stumbles back, his legs hitting the table, his eyes clouded. Apparently he's had one or two drinks too many. Nobody dares to say anything. Danny stops in front of the couple. Her eyes are dark, full of... something. Laura doesn't avert the gaze for one second. She grabs Carmilla's hand tighter, who squeezes back telling her she's right there.
When Danny finally talks, her eyes are still hanging on to Laura, but her words are meant for Carmilla.
"Mel wasn't enough for you, huh?"
"This has nothing to do with you, Lawrence."
"I just don't understand, Carmilla. It's all just a game to you, isn't it? You can only be happy, if somebody else is miserable."
"Not to me. It was never any fun to me," Carmilla says, her voice bitter and hard.
"Right. It looked like you had fun, when you shoved your tongue down my ex-girlfriend's throat, when you made Mel dump me. Or when you decided to screw around with Elsie, your brother's girlfriend. He tried to be there for you, he did everthing he could to be there for you and how do you pay him back? By fucking the girl that he loves, by ruining his relationship."
"That was a long time ago."
"Six months doesn't sound so long to me. Does it, Laura?"
"I, um..."
"Don't listen to her, Laura," Carmilla says.
"Yeah, don't listen to your friend, the person that cares for you. For her this isn't even about you, Laura. She doesn't care about anybody, but herself."
"You got it all wrong."
"No, I don't. I'm not stupid. It's sad really how you keep on pushing away the only person in your life that would take a bullet for you without blinking an eye."
"Danny," Will protests, but she just continues.
"No, I never said anything, because I understand. I understand Carmilla. I understand why you are angry, I understand why you are so reluctant to trust Will again, but you promised. You promised, Carmilla. You promised Will, it was over. That your little scheme of revenge ended when you broke both of our hearts."
"That's where you are mistaken. It will never be over. And Will knows that. But as I said, this is no scheme, no play. I am done with you, Lawrence. I couldn't care less what you do or don't do. I am so fucking tired of all this shit, you know. I am so tired of you."
Danny's lower lip quivers. "Why don't you just leave then?"
"What a great idea. Come on, Laura."
"Without her," Danny spats. She reaches out for Laura, but Laura takes a step back. Danny's eyes widen at her reaction. "Laura?"
"I'm sorry, Danny," she says in a small voice. Carmilla grins at her words. Laura gives her hip a dig with the elbow, the smug smile vanishes at once from her face. Carmilla takes a few steps towards the door and Danny gets out of the way, but she hasn't given up as of yet.
"I want to believe you. I do, Carmilla."
"I don't care. This is none of your business."
"If you hurt her, I swear I will..."
"Contrary to what you all think, I don't break hearts for sport. I don't betray the people I love."
Laura can see that Danny is chocking back her anger, she's clenching her fist again and again, but keeps quiet.
"Carm," Will gets up from the sofa, but doesn't make any attempts to come closer. His voice is hoarse, broken. "I am so sorry. For everything. You know I would turn back time if I could. There is not a day I don't blame myself for what happened."
"Sorry doesn't even come close, William."
"Don't you think I fucking know? God, Carmilla, I know. I loved her too. You weren't the only one."
"Fuck you, Will. Fuck you. How can you even say that after... you destroyed everything? How can you just stand there after you fucked up the only good thing I had in my life? You never loved her. You replaced her the day she was gone."
"I never replaced her."
"Yeah right."
"Carm, I..." He sits back down again. His legs are shaking, unable to stand the pressure any longer. Danny is by his side at once, she sits down next to him and pulls him close. He melts into the tall redhead. "I am..."
"No, William. I have heard this a million times before. Words don't mean shit, you should have been there for her, but no you couldn't even manage that. You let her down, the same way you let me down."
All blood has left Laura's hand, Carmilla had tightened her grips as the conversation proceeded. She is shaking. Laura can't tell if it is out of anger or sorrow. She can't really make any sense of what they are saying. They must be talking about the girl Will mention before. Ell.
"Come on, Laura. I don't want you to listen to this."
They leave. Just like that. Will has sunken down into the couch, Danny is next to him, quietly whispering something. Everybody else is looking at the floor, at the ceiling, at the wall, everywhere so they don't have to look at Laura. She follows Carmilla.
"Wait," somebody shouts after them, when they are out of the door.
Carmilla stops and turns around. "What is it, Lola?"
Perry catches up with them and stands in front of the couple. She gives Carmilla a stiff hug, her back straight, while she pats Carmilla's back. "I am sorry, Carmilla. I wouldn't have invited you if I thought it would end in a... well, in a bloodshed."
"I know you wanted us to make up, but... this is not how Will and I operate. We were always better, when we were fighting. We haven't talked about it since... he broke up with Elsie. He acted like he didn't care. And I acted like I didn't either. It was bound to happen." Perry releases Carmilla. "It doesn't even matter now. For the first time I feel like I am not going to fall apart, you know."
Carmilla turns towards Laura, who blushes.
"I know," Perry says and gives Laura a hug as well. Laura remembers that it was Perry who told her where to find Carmilla, who told her she should go after her. "I know. I have to go back, before Will drinks himself into a stupor."
"Yeah. Take care of him."
"Always."
Perry waves at Laura, before she goes back to the others. When the door falls close behind her, Carmilla turns towards Laura.
"Let's go to my room."
Carmilla keeps quiet while they make their way through the huge mansion. They walk through dark rooms. The moon, that occasionally shines through the windows, is the only light source on their way. Carmilla warns her, whenever there there is a step or anything else she could stumble over. They still hold hands and Laura has to bite her lips to keep from asking the million questions that the conversation has sparked.
She doesn't understand it. How they can hate each other so much, but still care for each other enough that Carmilla asks Perry to look after him?
When Carmilla opens the door to her room, it's the first time that she turns on a light. Laura has to blink due to the sudden brightness that invades her eyes. Carmilla closes the door behind them and silently sits down on her bed that is situated right besides the door.
Her room is clean, almost clinically so. There walls are empty, the bright white blinding Laura. There are no pictures, frames, nothing on the walls. The wall at the farthest end of the room has high cabinets filled with boxes. There is a small sign on every box, a golden square with little dots. Braille, Laura realizes. She wanders over to the boxes and runs a finger over the small convexities. She is amazed how anybody could read little dots, how for Carmilla these aren't a couple of dots, but rather letters.
There is a desk, with a laptop and a huge printer on it. Papers are spread out on the surface. Thick paper coverd with braille. There is an walk-in closet, the door is ajar. Other than that, her room is empty. There is no decor, no signs that anybody is actually living here except for the papers on the table.
"There are a lot of things I have to explain. I just, I don't know how I can even-" Carmilla finally begins.
"Hey, it's ok," Laura sits on the edge of the bed, and puts her hand over Carmilla's, that is cradling the blanket. "You don't have to tell me anything right now. I trust you, Carmilla. I do. I know you will tell me, when the time is right." And she does, she trusts her.
"But I want to. I want to tell you."
Laura takes a deep breath and crawls closer. She watches the many emotions pass over Carmilla's face. Carmilla starts a few times, but breaks off before any words make it out of her mouth.
"This is about… Ell, right?"
"Yes. How do you-"
"I just… connected the dots. You're not as hard to read as you might like." She waits for a reaction, but there is none. "You loved her."
"I did."
"And she loved you?"
"Yes."
"So what happened?"
"Life."
"And Will."
"Yes. I don't know how to- I never told anybody." Carmilla is trembling uncontrollably, her whole body shaking.
"Breathe, okay. Come on, feel my hand. I am here. I'm here. Whatever happened, it's in the past now. You are here, with me. Do you feel my hand?" Carmilla nods. "It's going to be ok, just focus on my hand. Focus on me. Listen to my voice, good, breathe."
It takes her some time until she can start again. Her head is angled at the ceiling, she leans against the hard wall against her. When she starts her voice is even again.
"We were best friends ever since I can remember. Our parents were friends; so since a very young age, we spent a lot of time together, we did everything together. She was everything. We were inseparable. Will, Ell and I.
"It was much later that I realized she meant more to me. That I liked her in a different way, that I wanted every part of her. It took me a long time to accept that. I never thought, she could, you know love me as well, but she did. On my eighteenth birthday I just kissed her, and she... she kissed me back. It was perfect, we were perfect together. God, she made me so happy. I knew my mom would never accept me, us. She is very conservative, always worrying about what other people think. We told nobody, except Will. He and I, we shared everything." She let out a throaty, sad laugh. "That's what we always said, I guess he took that one literally.
"Ell wanted to tell her parents. She was always braver than me, they had an annual family getaway in their cabin in the Alpes. She wanted me to come, she wanted me to meet everybody. But I as scared of what my mother would do, I was scared of being judged. I just couldn't... She was angry, we had talked about coming out to our families for a long time, but I just wasn't ready. I didn't want her to be alone that weekend, so I asked Will to go with her. Two weeks later, Ell's confessed under tears that they fucked that weekend. She fucked my brother. She said she loved me; that she had been angry and confused, she never meant for anything to happen. After a fucking year of dating, of being everything to me, she just... with my brother of all people. I lost my two best friends, my girlfriend and my brother in the blink of an eye.
"I just couldn't take it. I was disgusted with her for betraying me like this, with Will for hurting me so much, when he knew exactly how much she meant to me. Disgusted with myself for ever falling for their shit. Everything feel apart after that. My life, my family. I just didn't care anymore. I failed my exams, I stopped eating, I just... everything seemed pointless without her. Ell told her parents... about us, I don't know why, maybe she thought I would forgive her... I- they moved away. I never saw her again."
Laura is speechless. She can't imagine the betrayal Carmilla must have felt. She can't imagine all the different ways it must have broken Carmilla. She can't even imagine. She doesn't have any siblings, she never shared her childhood, her formative years, all her memories with just one special person. She never had anybody like that. Trusting two people so completly, only to have them betray that trust. Laura's throat feels like it's closing up, like it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
She tries to put herself in Carmilla's place. A girl that can't even see the betrayal happening right in front of her. Somebody that has rely so heavenly on other people for so many thing, somebody that is forced to trust, that has no choice. How much it has to hurt, when this trust is broken. How hard it must be to trust anybody again after that.
"She killed herself eight months ago."
There are tears beginning to spill out of the Carmilla's eyes; Laura had seen her eyes water before, but the first time it had been tears of happiness, tears of gratitude, this was different. Laura instinctively crosses the small distance between them, crawling into Carmilla's lap. For a moment she just sits there, watching Carmilla try her hardest to make the tears dissappear. Trying to hide them. She wraps her arms around her without thinking twice about it. Carmilla tiredly leans in, resting her head on Laura's shoulder, letting herself be held. Her body is trembling from exhaustion, her breaths are shallow and shaky. Telling her story had left her empty.
At first, Carmilla just leans against her, letting the warmth of Laura's body lull her into a sense of safety, her hands remain limp in her own lap, but she eventually lifts them and clasps them around Laura's back, holding on to the other girl like she's the only thing that keeps her from drowning. From falling. They remain like that for a long time. Carmilla cries silent tears into Laura's shoulder, pressing their bodies close to each other.
"I was to absorbed in my own grief, I never thought about how she felt. She wrote me so many letters; I didn't bother to read them. I ignored her calls. I wasn't there for her. Will wasn't there. Nobody was there, she was all alone. I had never thought about how much she lost; she too lost everybody important to her. We both let her down. And Will, he just replaced Ell, he replaced both of us. With Danny," the name sounds like an insult, when she says it. "He should have been there for her, he should have been there to stop her from... But no, he..."
Tears start spilling again, Laura's heart breaks watching her. "Her parents didn't even allow me to attend her fucking funeral."
Carmilla breaks. Laura lowers them both so that they are lying on the bed, Carmilla offers no protest, but shifts in her arms to hide her face in Laura's chest. Laura gently strokes her hair as the tears keep on falling. Carmilla is curled up against her body, her other arm holding her close. Every so often, the shaking becomes worse as a fresh wave of emotion consumes her. Laura does not say anthing. Now is not the time for words.
She is not sure how long they remain this way. Eventually, the sobs come to an end. Carmilla grows still, her body tired from the physical exhaustion, dehydrated from crying for such a long time. Laura couldn't tell how much time has passed; Camilla's breathing slows. Laura begins to think that maybe she has fallen asleep, when Carmilla moves in her embrace. She pulls away, sitting up.
"Ever since then I had nobody. Nobody to talk to, to hold me."
Carmilla hugs her again, her wet cheek pressing against Laura's. When she pulls away, Laura uses the sleeve of her shirt to dry the tears off her face. Carmilla tries a small smile, but it quickly shifts into a somber grimace.
"I'm so sorry, Laura. I'm normally not like this."
"Like what?"
"A hot mess. I'm actually... pretty fun to be around, if you can believe it."
Laura smiles and pulls her closer, resting her head on Carmilla's chest. She listens to the sound of her breathing. They fall asleep in each others arms.