Chapter Thirty-Four

Sam

Cancer. Grace couldn't get cancer. Beck's wife died from it. I know he wanted me to grow up like him, but I didn't want all things to be like him.

A few days after the doctor's appointment Grace and I were in bed and she started breathing hard, then I leaned over and took her hand.

"Are you ok Grace?" I asked.

"I don't know, I'm in pain, can you help me get up, I need to walk." Grace said holding her stomach. I got up and helped her up. She walked to the window and looked outside. I walked behind her and put my hands on her stomach.

"Does it feel weird, I mean carrying a dead thing inside you?"

"Yes, very weird, and uncomfortable, but Sam, I think it's time."

"The medication is doing what it's supposed to do." Grace nodded and I helped her put regular clothes on. I woke Paul and told him, so he didn't worry when he found out we weren't there. "Grace is in labor, I think." I told Paul.

"What?" Lori sounded worried.

"It's ok I'm going to take her."

"Do you want anyone to come with you?" Paul asked.

"No I can do it." When we arrived at the hospital I helped Grace out of the car. We walked in and I told the receptionist that Grace was in labor.

They took Grace and I into another room, and they put Grace on a bed with her legs in an uncomfortable position. She looked back at me in the chair next to her and smiled an uneasy smile.

"It's going to be alright," I said rubbing the top of her hand with my thumb.

"Grace, I am going to give you this shot and then you will get this sudden erg to push. I want you to push. It might hurt but not as much as an actual birth because the baby isn't fully developed." The doctor said flicking the needle so the air bubbles would go away. I kept my eyes on Grace the whole time. "Are you ready?" The doctor asked. Grace nodded. I saw her crinkle her nose and breathed a heavy sigh. "Remember push when you need to."

"Squeeze my hand Grace, when you're ready." I whispered. She took my advice while pushing.

"Good, you're doing well, almost there." The doctor said. Grace opened her eyes and looked at her then me. I saw fear and suffering in her eyes. "One big push and you should be done." Grace put her head in the pillows and pushed. She groaned and yelled out for a moment. Then her grip let go and she sighed.

"You did it, Grace," She looked at me and smiled, breathing heavy. The doctor walked over with blankets.

"Most people don't like this part, but I think you still might want to see your baby." She put the baby in Grace's arms. "It was a boy." The doctor said looking away. Tears started to prick in the corner of my eyes. I saw tears run down Grace's face too.

"Hi little Sam." Grace said admiring the babies face. I got up and moved my chair closer to her. She handed the baby to me and I placed it in my arms. I felt bad holding a dead baby, but I heard what the doctor said, it was no one's fault. "You would have been the best father ever."

"You would have been the best mother ever." I said wiping the tears from her face with my thumb. The doctor came over and cleaned Grace. The doctor took the baby out of my arms and said good-bye to Grace and I. We walked out holding hands and Grace rested her head on my shoulder. Grace had to stay in the hospital a few days and once in a while, Cole and Isabel, or Paul and Lori would come to see how Grace was doing. Soon we were able to go home.

"I love you Sam," Grace said when we got in the car.

"I love you too Grace and I'm really sorry," I said putting my hands on her stomach one last time, even though nothing was there anymore.

"Don't blame yourself, remember what she said." Grace ran a hand through my hair and kissed me softly. We drove home in silence. While Sam held my hand I watched the trees go by outside the window. When we arrived home we promised that we would only tell Cole, Isabel, and Rebecca about the miscarriage. We walked in and found Isabel passed out on the couch and Cole playing the keyboard.

Grace

"Hey your back, what happened?" Cole asked turning off the keyboard, putting it on the couch, and walking over to us.

"Don't tell anyone, ok?" Sam said. Cole nodded. I decided I would take over this conversation.

"I had a miscarriage." I whispered so no one would hear. The color went out of his face and he turned away.

"Miscarriage," He whispered to himself.

"Can you tell Isabel, I'm not really in the mood to share it?"

"Sure, no prob." I walked into my room and set my purse on the ground. I was so tired and I need sleep. I realize what the doctor meant by numbness. I felt empty without the baby, but I guess that I can spend time with Sam and pay attention to my actions. I got changed while Sam talked to Cole about the doctor's appointment. I slid into bed, I really just wanted to listen to my baby's heartbeat again but I couldn't. I listened as Sam tiptoed into the room, I knew he felt bad about what happened but he couldn't blame himself. I sat up and watched him as he slinked to the bed.

"I see you," I whispered.

"Oh Grace I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He asked very quietly.

"No, no I was awake, just waiting for you."

"Sorry I was so long."

"It's ok, don't worry." Sam got onto the bed and then slid under the covers. He flicked the lamp on and I cringed. The light was so bright on my eyes. Then Sam shifted closer to me and put one arm around me. I looked up into his eyes; I hadn't looked so closely into them in a while. He then put his other hand on my belly. "You don't have to do that, Sam."

"I know, but I've done this for such a long time, sorry."

"You don't need to apologize,"

"Grace I know you and the doctor said not to feel the blame, but I feel like it was my fault."

"I do too, but we just have to stop feeling this way." Sam kissed me quietly.

"I'll try if you do." I nodded but we both knew we wouldn't keep our promise. He smiled a plastic smile. Not wanting to talk about the baby anymore.

"I love you Sam." I said picking up his face from looking at my ring on my finger.

"You know I love you too," He said before kissing my neck. I swatted him away, it was weird, and it tickled, when he did that.

"Stop, you know I hate that," I whispered.

"But you love what I do." He whispered back. I sat up more and turned to look at him. I put my hand out in front of me and touched his chest.

"Six months Sam, you have to wait six months." Sam sighed and turned away. I wrapped my hands around him so my chest was up against his back. I kissed his cheek and he turned around to look at me again. "We can cuddle though." I hated the word cuddle, it sounded like a little kid word, but i said it anyways.

"Well I don't mind that," Sam reached for the lamp and shut it off. Then he sunk under the covers and I followed. He had his arms wrapped around me and was kissing my lips. I kissed him back many times afterwards. I heard Sam growl very quietly.

"Keep the wolf inside, Sam." Sam chuckled and drew me closer to him.

"You know we can-"

"Sam aren't you happy we are doing this?"

"I guess." Sam put his cold hands on my back and then massaged my back.

"Sam," I yelled. I heard him laugh behind me.

"Don't you like that?"

"Where have your hands been, they are freezing?"

"In your shirt,"

"Stop, I think you need sleep. Your mind is getting bad." I put my hand through his hair and kissed his lips softly. I sunk into the pillows and Sam pushed his chest into my back. He put his arms around me and I listened to his heartbeat.

"Goodnight Grace," He whispered into my ear.

"Goodnight Sam," I whispered into the blackness of the room.