Chapter 9

The next two weeks were odd for Sira. Cal was gone with Lark on their two-week-long honeymoon, happily sharing their new marriage with each other. The Death Eaters were active but the Dark Lord was allowing her a break as a reward for causing the Ministry of Magic to fall. Scabior joined a Snatcher gang for he liked the prospect of gold, honor, and power but that meant he was gone most of the time, only coming back home to her a few nights a week. This all caused her to be stuck in her house, bored out of her mind.

Scabior hadn't been back in two days and she was starting to become anxious and restless, making her want to be with somebody or go somewhere or just do something. In her house, right now, she felt like she was trapped, caged. A longing welled up within her, a longing to go back to the place she hadn't been in what seemed like years. She felt that she needed to return there, she didn't exactly know why because there was nothing left for her there. She had to, though, she just had to. She would go back to Grimmauld Place.

Her eyes opened slowly, filling themselves with the sight of the door that she had opened so many times before. Her heart fluttered as sudden warmth filled her, causing her to draw a deep breath. She was so close to finally being home. A longing to touch the door consumed her as her hand reached for it. Memories filled her mind as her fingertips barely touched the wood; she placed her entire had on it.

Gradually, she drew her wand from her hip and tapped the door, causing the locks to click open as if they were waiting for her to return here, to return home. With a light push, she opened the door and took a careful step into the house. Her eyes examined her surrounding, someone had been here, but not in a while. Also, the house seemed quiet like no one was in it. The door shut behind her as she continued to examine the house.

Everything was about the same as it was when she was here last, silent, dusty, and covered in cobwebs. She took a step forward, barely off the doormat when a voice filled the hall. "Severus Snape?" the voice asked, it was Alastor Moody's. Then, an odd sensation washed over her, it was like her tongue folded over itself. The feeling didn't frighten her; it was only a Tongue-Tying Curse.

Carefully, she took another step forward and the curse undid itself. Relief filled her but it was quickly replace by a jolt of terror. A figure of a man rose out of the dust, horribly familiar and yet terrifying. He raised a dead hand up, pointing at her, as her heart hammered in her chest. The figure raced towards her, sending another jolt of fear through her. "I didn't kill you!" she cried as the figure approached. It bursted, sending dust into the air, and she steadied herself.

It was only a defensive, she told herself. It was not Dumbledore. She drew in a long breath as her heart stopped racing. Once she was calm enough, she took a step forward and nothing happened. She walked down the hall, the memories rushing back into her head as she moved through her time here. In the living room, she remembered when she first saw Sirius and fell instantly in love with him, when she told him she was not a killer, and when she fell when she fell asleep on it to see his face.

She remembered all the kisses, all the laughs, and all the tears. A mixture of sadness, warmth, and guilt filled her as she looked around the room, studying everything, as she relived her memories. Each touch, each smile, and each look wretched her heart. Her eyes filled with her tears as she thought back. It seemed like ages since she had been here, so much longer than only a year. A year, she thought, look at how far you've come in that short amount of time. Look at who you've become in that time.

Her heart twinged with her sorrow as her hand reached up and clutched her necklace at her throat, the necklace that Sirius had given her. She remembered the day perfectly, of how she didn't want to go to the Death Eaters, of how she didn't want to leave him, and of how she didn't want to say goodbye. She was never truly able to say goodbye to him, never truly able to accept the fact that he was gone.

Her mind flashed to his goodbye in the Department of Mysteries, causing her tears to streak down her face. Sira, oh my sweet Sira, his voice filled her mind, ringing in her ears. I wish to request you to do something. I want you to remember me, but not stop you from living your life. You have to continue on, Sira, even though I will not be with you in physical form. Life has to go on, it just has to.
You have to let me go, his voice continued on, it will be difficult, Sira, but all I want is for you to be happy.

Sira, you have to, he stressed as her tears fell constantly from her eyes. Goodbye, Sira. Don't worry; you'll see me again someday. I love you. "I love you too, Sirius," she whispered and a loud sob broke from her chest, causing her to double over in her pain. She thought of his smile, the look in his eyes when he gazed at her, and his touch. How she missed him. How had she lived without him? She didn't know.

Slowly, she left the living room and headed to the staircase, the staircase that he had helped her up so many times it was impossible to count. Her heart felt heavy with her emotions as she climbed, her hand gripping the railing as if she was clinging to it for dear life. The cold of the wood felt odd under her fingers, making her feel worse. Her footsteps sounded too loud against the floor, her breaths seemed too uneasy, and the chill in the house seemed too cold. Was she really home? She was unsure if she was or not.

She treaded over to his bedroom door, wanting to open it as she approached it. As she stood at it, she rubbed her hand against it as she sighed and then pushed it open. Warm light filled the room as she studied it. Papers and books were scattered across the floor, the large bed was unmade, and a few cobwebs hung off the ceiling. Suddenly, she realized that the house had been searched, this room had been searched.

Without thinking, she started to pick up the papers and the books, putting them back in their rightful places. She didn't stop to study anything before everything was back to where it should be. Her memories didn't consume her as she worked, it was as if her mind wanted her to fix the room and restore it to how she had known it and loved it. Quickly, she finished with a sigh and then looked at the room.

Her eyes found the dresser to see that her white rose was still there, droplets of blood welling up on its snow-white petals as her mind went to the moment when she gave it to Sirius. They had been separated for a few weeks and she just had to see him, she didn't want anything more. She didn't want to lose him for she that she was about to. Then, she gave him a letter and a rose one night as he slept, not knowing that she was in the very same room as he was. The letter, she thought. It still sat beside the rose, untouched since Sirius read it last. She picked it up and read, her blue eyes rimmed with her tears as she did.

Dear Sirius,

I hope that you have been doing fine because I haven't. I cannot stop thinking about you and all I wish is for you to be happy. I realize that you deserve better than me, all I do is cause our relationship to be a long list of broken promises. I didn't mean to cause you pain, Sirius, and I deserve to suffer. I can barely breathe with the thought of hurting you. I never deserved your love.

Sirius, I'm sorry for ever hurting you. Just say the words and I'll be gone. I'll go away forever and you'll never have to see me again. I don't want us to end and I hope you feel the same. I love you, Sirius, and I'll always love you. You make my life worth living. You keep me from becoming insane. I need you, I want you, and it kills me to stay away. I know that you may not want me back but I hope that you aren't angry with me. I'm sorry and I can't forgive myself for what I did to you. I needed to contact you somehow and tell you how I feel. If you ever wish to see me, you always know where to find me.

Forever and always yours,
Sira

P.S. If you ever want to know if I'm thinking of you, just watch the rose.

Sorrow overwhelmed her as she set the letter back down beside the bleeding rose and she turned away from it. She walked over to the bed, the bed that she and Sirius had shared so many memories in, and climbed into it, as she had always done before. Her hands pulled the covers up around her. His scent still lingered on the sheets, faintly there, and she hiccupped with her tears. She could still feel his arms around her, protecting her from the world, and she could still feel his mouth on hers, almost as if he had just kissed her.

Her body curled itself into a ball as she felt the sensation leave her. His arms were no longer around her, making the tears roll down her face even faster. Then, her mind flashed to what he would think of her now. Coming back here, reliving her past, made everything that she thought that she was doing right feel so wrong. Everything felt wrong, especially her lying in another bed with another man and being bound to him, not the man she truly wanted to be tied to.

"I've realized what I've done, Sirius," she whispered as she closed her blue eyes, her body starting to tremble with her grief. "I know what I've done is wrong." She drew in a deep breath, almost afraid to continue on. "I should've stayed with the Order but I'm in with the Death Eaters too deep, too deep to do anything. I've done so much wrong and I've tried to fix it but I can't… I can't…" A loud sob broke from her chest as she clutched the pillow as if she never wanted to let it leave her grasp.

"I still love you, Sirius," she sobbed as she opened her eyes, his face filling her mind. "I love you with all my heart but I've had to fill the hole you left me with another's love. I can't get over you, Sirius, but at least he takes an edge out of my pain, he makes me feel normal again but he can't heal me completely. He can't heal the scars you left me… the scars I left myself." She put her face in the old pillow for a second, her heart hammering in her chest, and then lifted her head again.

"I love you, Sirius, and I can't ever get you out of my life," she murmured as the lights slowly left her eyes. "I never want you out of my life." A sob racked her body, quaking her as she gasped. "Sirius, I miss you. I just want to see you again, to tell me that I'm not the person I think I am, that I'm still your Sira." A sudden wave of exhaustion engulfed her, causing her eyelids to grow heavy. She didn't fight the sleep; she just allowed it to take her away. There was no point in fighting it anymore. Gradually, she slipped away and into the darkness.

"Sira, wake up," a voice whispered lovingly into her ear as the arms, which were wrapped around her, pulled her close. She let out a long breath as the voice started to chuckle. "You need to get up, darling." She shook her head a little as her blue eyes opened slowly. The arms, the touch, and the voice were so familiar, something she had been waiting for.

"Sirius," she said happily as she gazed at the man she loved with all of her heart and a smile formed on her face. He chuckled again as she buried her face in his shirt, enjoying his warmth and his scent. His hand combed through her hair as he pulled her even closer to him.

"So what's this about not being my Sira?" he asked as he studied her. She looked up at him, puzzled and confused. He had really heard that? She asked herself. It was fairly obvious that he had.

"I just don't think that I'm the girl you fell in love with," she admitted as she gazed into his welcoming, grey eyes. "I'm not a good person anymore." He sighed and his face grew suddenly serious.

"Sira, listen to me," he stated. "You're still a good person, deep down. It's just that you've made some mistakes and bad things have happened to you that have changed you. All you need to do is what your heart tells you is right and not what your emotions tell you. Your heart is still pure. We all have light and dark, good and evil, inside of us, but you can choose which you act on. That's what makes a person, not what happens to them."

"But, Sirius," she exhaled, almost in a whine, "what if everything I'm doing now feels wrong? What if nothing feels right?"

"Even when you're with Scabior?" he asked, his question filling his eyes.

"Well, it didn't use to," she confessed, "but when I came back here, it now feels wrong to love another man. It's like I shouldn't and I should just separate from him."

"Do you really want that, Sira?" Sirius questioned softly and she dropped her eyes. "Could you leave him without feeling anything?" Could she? She thought of all Scabior had helped her through, all that he had comforted her about. She couldn't do it; she cared about him too much to leave him. Her eyes looked back up into Sirius'.

"No," she stated confidently, "I couldn't."
"Then you really love him," he said gently, "and nothing's wrong with that." She gave him a tiny smile until a question popped into her mind suddenly.

"Then what of the Death Eaters? I know that what I do there is wrong but there is no way out," she stated flatly as her eyes filled with concern. He looked at her for a long while, not saying anything as his mind raced for an answer.

"There is one way out, Sira," he whispered to her, "and it's how my brother left the Death Eaters. As you said once before, that Mark on your arm is a death sentence. It's one thing that I wished you never had to do." He paused as if searching for the right words, and then continued on. "But, there's something you can do that will make Voldemort less dependent on you. You'll need help from other Death Eaters that want to leave too. They have seen the error of Voldemort's way and aren't willing to serve him as much. Find these people and try to get them to do the same as you. You need to stay loyal to him and you need to follow him but you need to figure out a way that you can still be close yet distant at the same time."

"I just have to go slowly," she said, "so he doesn't notice." He smiled a gentle smile at her.

"Precisely," he muttered as he leaned in close to her, "and, Sira," he brushed some of her hair out of her face, "I love you and all I want is for you to have the life that we should've had together." His mouth met hers as his hands cupped her face. His kiss was like everything she remembered it to be and yet so much more. She didn't know how she was able to live without him and yet she knew she could, and she was. She could continue her life and it was all thanks to him and Scabior.

Her blue eyes opened slowly as her lips tingled with the kiss. She was alone, back in his dirty, old bedroom but instead of feeling disappointed, she felt confident and determined. She wanted to make Sirius proud and she wanted to prove to herself that she was still Sirius' Sira. Sirius' words weren't enough for her; she needed to see it for herself. She was going to change her ways.