It was two days after Summerday when they set out. It had been barely six weeks since Hawke had befriended him, along with Varric, Isabella, Fenris, and Merrill. It seemed like just yesterday he started following her while she earned the fifty gold required to become a partner in the Deep Roads expedition. In a month and a half he had come to love this woman who put her life on the line to help her family, as well as mages, children, elves, dwarves, everyone she came across. It was a only few weeks of her helping him in his clinic almost daily and becoming as adept a healer as himself. But it was also forty-two very long days of denying the attraction between them.
And now they were leaving Kirkwall as a part of the Deep Roads expedition being led by Bartrand Tethras.
The look on Bartrand's face when he discovered the maps provided several entrances had made Anders grin like a fool. Bartrand had demanded to know where Kattrin got the maps from. So he'd responded that a wizard did it.
Bartrand may be an ass but he could certainly motivate others. Anders had been in high spirits standing in the open courtyard of Hightown, outside of Bartrand's office. His mood had been dampened somewhat by Leandra showing up, worried about both of her children going into the Deep Roads. She was distraught at having lost so much already and unwilling to risk sacrificing both of her children. Both Kattrin and Carver made it clear that they were both going, much to her mother's dismay.
Afterwards, they were outside of the city, away from the Templars, and it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining merrily, accompanied by a cool breeze. They had been walking for a few hours when he turned to Carver.
"Nice day to be planning a trip into the Deep Roads, don't you think?" he said. "The Blight, the dampness, the festering darkness filled with tainted rats..."
"Shut up," Carver growled, scowling.
"You've got a real chip on your shoulder, you know?"
"I've got a big blade on my shoulder, magey."
Anders raised an eyebrow. "Right. Wonder what you're compensating for."
Carver huffed and moved to the head of the procession where Varric and his brother were.
But Anders' levity died as soon as they came to the entrance to the tunnels leading to the Deep Roads. He began to sweat, nausea churning his guts, at the thought of spending the next few weeks being in the dark. Weeks of being in confined spaces under miles of earth with darkspawn all around. He'd had problems with dark, cramped spaces ever since his year in solitary confinement, but his time with the Wardens had increased his discomfort. Darkspawn and other horrible creatures lurked in dark places underground. He knew between the dark, the cramped putrid tunnels, and the proximity to the darkspawn he wouldn't get much sleep this entire trip.
He tried to keep his fear and anxiety to himself but Kattrin was watching him, concern written on her face. He had spent a lot of time with her and she had become his most trusted friend, which is why she knew him well enough to know that he wasn't okay. He had become good friends with Varric, also, but didn't spend near as much time with the dwarf as he did with the beautiful Hawke, so his state of unrest went past the dwarf's notice.
Hawke made her way through the small army of dwarves and humans to stand beside him. She waited until the rest of the party passed to allow them some privacy before she spoke.
"You don't have to do this," she said quietly.
Yes, he did. He couldn't let her go into the Deep Roads alone. No matter how much he detested the Deep Roads, he was a Grey Warden and she needed his help.
"I'll be alright."
He walked away from her to follow the rest of the expedition. He could do this. He would do this, for her. He took large, deep breaths to slow his pounding heart. Kattrin caught up and kept pace with him. Following behind everyone else as they progressed underground, she held his trembling hand until they caught up to the others. He would gladly give himself over to the Void to have the Warden Commander here in the Deep Roads with him.
All eyes were on him, watching him expectantly. Right. He focused on the taint within his blood, checking for the familiar echo. He cleared his throat. "I don't sense any darkspawn nearby."
Bartrand grunted and lead the company on.
They continued down dark and roughhewn tunnels, with him and Kattrin in the lead to provide light. The only break from moving downward in the black and unchanging tunnels was when the entire expedition stopped for meals. There was no sun to judge time by in the depths, but several hours and two meals later, they entered a spacious cavern. Bartrand called for a halt to make camp.
Kattrin, Varric, Carver, and Anders weren't assigned any camp duties so they tried their best to stay out of everyone's way. Anders found a rock to lean against away from the bustle of making fires, settling pack animals, and starting dinner. Kattrin wasn't with their little group. Looking around, he saw that Varric had also found a rock to lean against but the dwarf had pulled out Bianca to start her daily cleaning. Carver wasn't too far from Varric, sharpening his sword and glaring at anyone who got too close. He spotted Kattrin trying to help Bodahn make dinner but it appeared that he just kept her busy talking while he did all the work.
The multiple fires lighting the area and people bustling about almost made him forget they were in the Deep Roads. There was no sign of taint and he still didn't sense any darkspawn. They could have been in a cavern on the Wounded Coast for all its similarity, but the Warden in him knew that he was in the Deep Roads and not in a cavern elsewhere.
At Anders instruction, each person in the expedition was carrying their own water, a few days' rations, firewood, and bedroll in case they were separated from the whole. Trying not to watch Kattrin, he made himself busy by starting a fire for the four of them and spreading his bedroll a small distance from it. Varric and Carver followed suit.
Kattrin brought bowls of stew to Varric and Carver. She went back to Bodahn and returned to their small group with two more bowls. She smiled and handed him a large bowl before sitting on the ground close to the fire. It touched him how considerate of him she was. How she always made sure that he had enough to eat.
He devoured the stew. It was divine after a day of bread, cheese, and dried meat. Varric pulled something from his pack. It looked to be a wine skin. Varric drank deep before passing the skin to Carver, who took a long pull before passing it to Anders. Anders took a sip and was pleased to find that it was honey mead. He took a long drink before passing it to Kattrin. They ate in silence, passing the wine skin between them until the meal was finished.
Anders stood to take Kattrin's bowl, giving her a chance to spread out her bedroll. Gathering Varric's and Carver's bowls, he returned them to Bodahn and Sandal.
Before he could return to their fire, the camp started to chant. They wanted Varric to weave a story for them. Bartrand poked his head out of his tent to scowl and grumble but he didn't deny his men the entertainment. He didn't join in, though, just retreated back into his tent. Varric joined the rest of the encampment for storytelling and Carver joined the crowd. That left Kattrin alone at their fire.
She appeared to be lost in thought. He never expected to be alone with Kattrin among so many people. In the month and a half since he had met her, he tried his best to ensure it was never just the two of them, outside of their teaching sessions. And he had been successful, for the most part. Only on rare occasions, like this one, did he find himself alone with her.
She sat cross-legged on her bedroll, looking into the fire. The coward in him almost joined the rest of the camp to listen to Varric and his stories but, like Kattrin, he wasn't really up for the revelry. And since the Deep Roads was no place to be alone, he joined her by their small fire.
As he sat on his bedding, she looked up at him and gave him a welcoming smile before turning her gaze back to the fire. They were far enough from the rest of the camp that they only heard the occasional muted laughter. The two of them sat in companionable silence watching the fire dance.
Kattrin turned to him, the firelight casting shadows across her heart-shaped face. Her prominent cheek bones shaded her eyes so he couldn't make out that deep sapphire blue. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again without saying anything. Instead, she watched him watching her until she blushed and looked away.
It both pained him and thrilled him when she did that. Didn't she understand that he wasn't the right person to be feeling that way about? But he wasn't able to completely distance himself from her. She was the one bright light in Kirkwall and he was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.
He didn't know how long they sat there in front of the fire, lost in their own thoughts and stealing glances at one another. When he heard Varric and Carver approaching, he cleared his throat.
Kattrin turned her head, spotting her brother and the dwarf approaching. She jumped up, flushed a deep red before muttering something about relieving herself and walking off.
He didn't want to talk to Varric or Carver and decided he might as well try to get some sleep. Anders lay down, pulling his blanket over himself. He wished Varric and Carver a good night before falling into a light sleep.
Kattrin woke suddenly to find the light from the fire dimming. She'd been dreaming about dark, unseen things chasing her. Still on edge from her nightmare and not wanting to be in the dark in the Deep Roads, she got up to put more wood on the fire. She was shivering by the time she was done. It was cold in the cavern. She moved closer to the fire to warm up.
She was rubbing her hands together toward the flames when she heard a muted groan. Kattrin stood slowly, pulling mana from the Fade. She considered going for her staff, but it was on the other side of her bedroll, away from the fire. Looking around the small camp, she didn't see anything immediately dangerous, just Varric, Carver, and Anders. Then she noticed that Anders was writhing in his sleep.
He must be having a nightmare. Her heart went out to him. He already suffered the occasional nightmare above ground. She could only imagine how much worse the nightmares would be here, in the Deep Roads. It saddened her to know that it would only get worse for him as their journey progressed. The deeper they got, the closer to darkspawn they would be, and the harder it would be for the Warden mage to get any rest at all.
Letting her gathered mana dissipate back into the Fade, she took a few steps to where he was tossing and turning, not yet conscious. Kattrin squatted between Anders and the fire, feeling the warmth along her back, debating on how to wake him. She didn't want to startle him and have him wake the rest of the camp. She also didn't want him to incorporate her shaking him or grabbing him into his dream. The last thing she wanted to do was make this more traumatic for him.
While she was debating, he suddenly sat up, sweating, eyes wide, glowing with Fade energy. Noting her proximity to him in his hyper aware state, he quickly scooted away from her. He was breathing hard, his palms stretched out behind him, perspiration glistening on his forehead and upper lip in the fire light. Kattrin stilled, sitting on her haunches. He was holding a large amount of mana and she didn't want to provoke any defensive spell casting. Slowly, the mana drained from him and Anders came to himself, frowning and blinking his eyes repeatedly.
Kattrin moved closer to him, slowly and carefully. She sat on the end of his bedroll, between him and her own bedding. Folding her legs under her, she tried to formulate how to ask him if he was okay since he was so obviously not.
Anders leaned forward to sit properly rather than sprawling crab-like in the dirt. Softly, he asked, "Did I wake you?"
Shaking her head, she matched his whisper, "No. I had a bad dream. I was putting more wood on the fire when I heard you tossing in your sleep."
He looked down, fiddling with a stray piece of string from his blanket. "Sorry."
There were moments between them where they were the best of friends, speaking to each other without filtering their thoughts and enjoying each other's company. Then there were other moments like this, where they were awkward around one another, their speech broken by thinking, each choosing their words carefully so as to not make the other uncomfortable. She sat there, struggling to think of a way to ask him if wanted to talk about his nightmares, about his being a Warden, about his time in the Deep Roads. Surely talking would help him? Curiosity and compassion warred within her. On the one hand, she was burning to know more about his time with the Wardens and why he hated the Deep Roads. On the other, she knew getting him to talk about his past would help him. But bringing up his past would make him uncomfortable and she didn't want to add to his discomfort.
"Anders…" she started before trailing off. He watched her fiddle with her hands in her lap. She surprised herself by just blurting it out. "Anders, why are you here?"
His demeanor went from hurt to neutral to angry so fast she might have imagined his pain. But she knew him better than that. His reaction told her that he was here for her and for no other reason.
"This expedition needs me. I'm the one who provided the maps detailing this portion of the Deep Roads. Also, as a former Warden, I'm the only Grey Warden you will find to help you traverse the Deep Roads."
Kattrin shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way." She looked at him, at the anger dissipating as he gave her an agonized look. "I know how hard this is for you. I want you to know that I appreciate the hardship you're enduring to help this expedition. To help me."
Anders felt his anger bleed away as he watched the living light play over her features. The strong and courageous woman he knew looked so small and helpless here in the Deep Roads. She is a mage and far from helpless, Justice reminded him.
Ignoring Justice, his heart clenched at her concern for him. He knew the effects of the Deep Roads on the Warden part of him. The growing nightmares, the scratching sensation of the darkspawn, and the song of an Archdemon slumbering, pulling him and the darkspawn to begin another Blight. He gave himself a mental shake and focused on the woman before him, watching him with sad eyes.
Pulling his water skin from his pack, he motioned her to move closer. He took a long pull from it as she settled herself. He then passed the water skin to Kattrin. She took a protracted drink and Anders watched as a single rivulet ran from the corner of her mouth, down the side of her face and neck. It changed directions at her clavicle before falling into her cleavage. Blast. He shouldn't have been watching her so closely. Everything she did turned into a sexual torment for him. And it would be difficult to find alone time down here in the Deep Roads. He needed a distraction.
"How are you faring?"
She ran the back of her arm along her mouth and passed the skin back to him. With a small, childish thrill of placing his lips where hers had been moments before, he took another drink before putting it away. "I'm not sleeping well. I know now why you don't like this place."
He curled his lip. "Sweetheart, you have no idea," he growled.
She looked at him. "You're right. I don't really know what's down here and I don't know about the things you've seen or endured down in these depths," she admitted. "I've encountered a few darkspawn but it was above ground with the sun in the sky. I had the advantage. But down here, in the dark, this is their place. You've seen what lives here. I may not know the full extent of the evil in these depths, but I do understand that we need to be vigilant and careful."
"Extra careful." He didn't mean for his voice to be so stern but he couldn't tamp down his fear. She was here, in the Deep Roads! Even her life as an apostate couldn't prepare her for the horrors of this place. He hated everything about the Deep Roads – the dark, the confinement, the fluidity of time, the corrupted lurking around every corner. And he needed to instill some caution into her. What if she contracted the Blight? His heart began to race.
"I want you to be constantly observant of yourself. If you get splattered with darkspawn blood, clean it off as soon as you can. Try not to get any in your mouth, but if you do, for the Maker's sake, spit it out - don't swallow it!"
He was practically whisper shouting at her. The idea of her being in this place and facing darkspawn was almost more than he could bear. He tried to calm himself down but his heart continued to pound in his chest.
"I promise to be careful," she said.
"You need to tell me if you experience any changes in how you feel."
"I will," she agreed.
"I need to know if you develop any discoloration in your skin or eyes."
She placed her open palm on the side of his face. "Anders," she said gently.
He closed his eyes and took deep, cleansing breaths, slowing his heart rate and lowering his rising alarm. Calmer now, he removed her hand from his cheek and held it in his own. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to be here. I don't want you to see the horrors that live in this place. And I couldn't bear to watch you succumb to the taint."
"I'll be alright. I have you to watch out for me. And I have seen some of the signs of the Blight." She paused. "While we were fleeing Lothering, we came upon a warrior woman and a Templar. The warrior woman was Aveline and the Templar was her husband, Wesley. He was badly wounded from a wave of darkspawn just before we happened upon them, but he still had enough fervor in him to be upset about two apostates saving him." He listened to her raptly. Her story was a welcome distraction from his anxiety. And this was the first time she had spoken about her journey from Lothering to Kirkwall. He knew that she had faced an ogre, which had killed Bethany, but he had no idea that this is where she met Aveline. Well, this certainly explained the inexplicable bond that they shared. Wait, did she say a Templar?
"Aveline's husband was a Templar?" he blurted. She gave him a reproachful look. He hadn't intended to focus on that little tidbit and instantly wished he could take back his words. Quickly, he backtracked, waiving his free hand in the air. "No, I'm sorry. Please continue."
She was looking into the fire when she continued. "I didn't know it at the time but the grievous wound he took from the darkspawn blade had already given him the Blight. We all saw the signs because he quickly succumbed to the taint." Her face was grim in the firelight, but then she turned to him and smiled. "Aveline defended him against frightening odds. She had his shield and her own blade, holding up Wesley while fighting the darkspawn, telling the creatures that they couldn't have him. I knew in my heart that she would defend my family with the same fire. She and I are alike that way. We both go to great lengths to keep our loved ones safe."
Kattrin considered him for a stretch before she blushed and turned her gaze to Carver. He sighed. She was stubborn. Hopefully he would be able to persevere in the face of her infatuation. She deserved so much better than him. And, no matter how much it hurt him, he would make her see that. Justice agreed.
She smiled. "Bethany made a comment about the Maker having a sense of humor, sending first the darkspawn and then a Templar."
Anders smiled, too. Kattrin always described Bethany as a sweet girl with a subtle fire. He wished that he could have met the other female mage of the Hawke brood.
"Wesley stated that mages were always an unknown and his duty was clear but Aveline convinced him that the Maker understood. He agreed that amidst the darkspawn was not the time for pursuing mages. Bethany quipped that since the nice Templar was postponing his hunt for apostates that we should continue on." She sighed. "Maker, I miss her."
He reached across to squeeze her hand. She offered him a sad smile before continuing. "I healed the Templar, but I didn't have your talent with healing, yet. He lost the use of his sword arm, so he stayed back from the fighting, usually with Mother, but he wasn't with her when…"
Kattrin's breath started to come in short bursts. "After the first wave… Bethany…" Tears poured out of her eyes. He tugged on her hand, pulling her into his lap where he enfolded his arms around her, trying as best as he could to console her. She sobbed quietly into his coat. He knew this part of the story; this was where the group was confronted with an ogre, the largest and strongest type of darkspawn. Kattrin had told him that the ogre grabbed Bethany and that had been the end of her. Anders had seen ogres in action and knew that Bethany's death had been gruesome in addition to being traumatic. Kattrin was clutching the front of his robes, racked with silent sobs. He held her, smoothing her hair back and speaking soft words of comfort, reassuring her that everything was going to be alright.
Slowly, she came back from her grief, her face and eyes swollen and wet. Anders continued holding her with one arm while he fished in his pouch with the other. Pulling out his clean handkerchief, he gently dabbed at her eyes before handing the cloth to her. She hiccupped a thank you before making a valiant effort to clean up the aftermath of her tears.
He continued to hold her to him while her breathing quieted. Justice, for once, was quiet and reserved. Sometimes Justice recognized Kattrin as a mage who had experienced the injustices of being born with magic. Other times, he ignored her being a mage and contended that Anders' obsession with the girl was intolerable. Anders pushed thoughts of Justice away and concentrated on comforting this brave woman in a rare moment of weakness. He also tried to ignore signals from his body telling him how warm and soft she was and how good she felt in his arms.
Kattrin began moving away from his chest so he loosened his hold on her. Her face was still red and swollen but she was calm. She remained in his lap and even though his legs were numb and his backside protested against the hard ground, he wasn't ready for her to move away from him. Justice began to grumble his dissatisfaction at the situation.
"I'm sorry," she muttered hoarsely.
"Shhh. You've no need to apologize," he said gently.
She gave him an unhappy smile. "I meant to tell you about the Templar being affected by the Blight, not about losing my sister."
Her chin trembled slightly but no new tears sprung forth. He continued to loosely hold her, enjoying her closeness against his better judgment.
She held his gaze for a moment before saying, "Thank you."
He reached to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. I'm here for you. Whatever you need. He managed not to voice the words. They were progressing in their friendship and this chaste physical contact between them was as far as he could allow things to go. The more he kept his want for her hidden, the easier it would be for her. Eventually her infatuation with him would wane and she would move on to someone better.
Then, as she was wont to, she pushed the boundaries of their friendship by leaning into him, her eyes intent on his lips. Even though Anders burned with desire to feel the touch of her lips against his, his willpower held and he leaned away from her, turning his head toward the darkness. Justice was reaching the end of his tolerance. "Kattrin," he warned.
Kattrin gave a rueful sigh before leaving his lap and moving away from him. He felt the chill of the cavern with the loss of her heat. Maker, he wanted her but he knew better. He treasured her friendship because they couldn't have more, couldn't be more, but he was selfish and couldn't bring himself to be without her entirely. No matter how much it hurt him, he would maintain the boundaries of their friendship. He would continue to warn her how dangerous he was, for her own good.
She stood, looking into the fire again. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I shouldn't have…" She sighed again and looked at him, abashed. "We should try to get some sleep. Good night, Anders."
She lowered down onto her own bedroll, facing away from the fire and looking out into the darkness.
"Good night, Kattrin. Fade gift you sweet dreams." His words were the barest breath, spoken but not meant to be heard.