Most mornings started with silence. Ludwig was still an early riser, as always, though he didn't get up as early as he used to. Still, more often than not Berwald awoke to an empty bed, Ludwig's side already partially made. Then, during the day when Berwald would try to reach out to touch him, Ludwig either pulled away from him completely or simply held still until he stopped. Sometimes they went entire days without even making eye contact. His heart felt weak and heavy in his chest.
To add to it, Ludwig did smile, but not at him. It was always because of fucking Mathias. He told funny stories and stupid jokes that seemed to somehow reach Ludwig, and they often spent time together during the day. Berwald would sometimes watch from a distance until he couldn't take it anymore, and then he would sulk upstairs and sometimes try to go to bed even before dinner. It wasn't just that Ludwig wasn't happy anymore; it was that no matter what he did, he couldn't make him happy.
Aside from that, though not completely unrelated, Mathias and Lukas were finally getting cozy with each other. Frequently in the evenings they could be found together on the couch, Lukas usually lying across Mathias' lap talking and laughing for hours. Berwald had always known that Mathias had changed the relationship between Lukas and him because Lukas had fallen for the stupid, arrogant Dane; it was Lukas whohadn't known right away. Still, it turned out to be rather hard for Berwald to watch, and if he walked into a room that held only Mathias and Lukas, he was quick to leave.
Once, he came into the living room and found Lukas, Mathias, and Ludwig all sitting together, smiling while Mathias told a colorful story about when he lived in Denmark. As soon as he entered, though, the room fell silent. Mathias grinned and invited him in to hear the story, but he had seen the way both Lukas and Ludwig lost their smiles almost immediately, and avoided his gaze. He just sort of grunted and left the room.
What had happened? Had he done something wrong?
Perhaps he was over reacting, but it was hard to see the two people he cared about most not wanting to speak to him anymore. It was harder still to see that Mathias could make any of them smile seemingly without effort. Berwald's affections didn't know restraint, so despite Ludwig and Lukas' apparent disinclination towards his presence, he torturously tried to console himself with the knowledge that at least someone in the household could make them both happy. Even if that someone was Mathias Densen.
Why did it have to be Mathias?
One night, when he was in a particularly bad mood after Ludwig had blatantly gotten up and left the room they shared when Berwald had entered, he happened to spot Mathias and Lukas outside. The Norwegian often liked to attempt to catch glimpses of the Northern Lights, which were sometimes visible if there wasn't very much cloud cover, and lately Mathias always went with him. Berwald somehow managed to glance out the window just in time to see them both lean in, and press their lips together.
Berwald felt his mouth open slightly in surprise, and he quickly moved away from the window. He clenched his fist as a strong wave of unjustified emotion passed over him, despite his internal argument that Lukas had the right to kiss whomever he wished, and that he had always known this would happen. He was honestly surprised it hadn't happened sooner. It would have been better if it had happened sooner.
"Ber?" a soft voice got his attention.
Tino was standing in the doorway, looking at him with concern.
"Is everything alright?" he asked when Berwald just stared at him.
He hesitated, but then nodded with a heavy breath, his eyes falling to the floor before he forced them back up again.
The short Finn shifted awkwardly on his feet before he leaned on the doorframe, his small hand pressed flat against the wood. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here, too,"
Berwald stared at him again; the last word had been added unnecessarily. For a moment, he considered telling him what had been happening, but, no. Tino got along with Mathias better, too. Besides, he had never been like that with Tino; he never really could express his problems or his feelings. Something about Tino just seemed to leave him tongue-tied.
"It's alright," he muttered quietly after a moment, his head bowing slightly.
Tino offered him a sad smile, though Berwald doubted if he had really expected Berwald to say anything else, and then gently squeezed the doorframe with his small hand as one would the arm of a friend who needed comfort, and then he left.
Within a few seconds, Berwald's mind had returned to Lukas and Mathias, and he sat at the edge of the bed and rubbed his face, moving his glasses out of the way. He couldn't help but feel concerned for Lukas, in spite of everything. Mathias was wild and careless; it would be like playing with fire…
After a moment of willing himself up, he decided to go to the kitchen to get some water. He had nearly done so without incident, but before he headed back upstairs, the door opened, and Lukas and Mathias entered. Unable to get to the staircase without passing them, Berwald simply remained in the kitchen, feeling trapped. It was a stupid thought because he could very easily walk passed them, but a strange, irrational fear that grew in his mind rooted him in place. He didn't want to see either of them, and honestly, they probably didn't want to see him either.
But, of course, as if he had somehow subconsciously been sensed, Mathias instructed Lukas to head upstairs, and that he was going to get a drink before following him. Lukas rolled his eyes almost audibly at Mathias' attempts to issue orders, but Berwald heard light, Norwegian feet on the stairs, and large, Danish boots heading towards him. In his mind, Berwald ran through every curse in every language he knew. It still wasn't enough.
As Mathias entered the small kitchen, he seemed surprised to see Berwald there, but not surprised enough to lose that stupidly large grin.
"Hi-ya Ber," he greeted him with too much enthusiasm as he went about getting something to drink.
He grunted a bit, a strange, sickly feeling of anger beginning to boil beneath his skin.
Mathias didn't notice right away, and it wasn't until he had taken a long gulp and wiped his mouth crudely that he frowned a bit.
"Somethin' the matter?" he asked in Swedish, though the question sounded more like curiosity rather than concern.
Unsure of what else to do, he simply stared. Some people were frightened by him when his stare got intense, but Mathias wasn't afraid of anything. Even things he ought to be afraid of.
The Dane swelled up his chest and took a bold step forward, seeing his intensity as some kind of challenge. "Is there something bothering you, Berwald?"
His fists wanted to clench, and he wanted to let them. He wanted to punch Mathias so hard he forgot his name. But, that would only make things worse. It could very well make Lukas and Ludwig even more upset with him than they already seemed to be. Still, Mathias just knew how to get under his skin.
The Dane cocked his head to the side, already too close to Berwald's face, but as soon as his mouth opened, Berwald felt his body move. He caught Mathias hard by the arm and yanked him in closer, leaning over him a bit so that their faces were now way too close. His actions caught Mathias off-guard, and his eyes widened as they stared at each other.
"Be good to him. If you hurt Lukas," the words were coming out before he could stop them. "I will kill you."
He released him harshly, forcing Mathias back a step, and although his mouth was opened, he didn't respond. Berwald stared him down for only a second longer before he left the kitchen and went upstairs to his room. The door to Lukas and Mathias' room was opened, and he was left to wonder if Lukas had heard him. He wondered what he would think.
However, Lukas hadn't been the only one listening, and just outside the door that led from the kitchen to the yard behind the house, someone else stood frozen in shock.
Later that night, when Ludwig reappeared in time for bed, Berwald tried twice to touch his hand as they both lied down, but the German rejected him, scooted to the far edge of the bed, leaving nearly a foot of empty space between them. He wanted to say something, but what could he say? Maybe that he was sorry. He was sorry that he couldn't make him happy. He really was.
God damnit.
God fucking damnit.
He wanted to blame Tino. As he woke up, he honestly wanted to blame the Finn for this. After all, it had been his idea to drink in the first place, and he had been the one who had gone with Mathias to pick up alcohol for all of them. They had gotten way too much. But, no. It wasn't really Tino's fault. Still, as Berwald sat up in bed, completely naked and beside an equally naked Lukas in the wrong bedroom, he just really wanted to someone to blame.
A few nights after the night he threatened Mathias, Tino had suggested they drink to celebrate something that Berwald couldn't even remember now. They had all gotten so drunk Berwald doubted if they would be willing to drink again within the year. He couldn't remember anything coherent and his head hurt so badly he had half a mind to slam it against the wall in an attempt to knock himself out.
As he gathered himself up and reached for his glasses, Lukas stirred beside him with a small stretch and a few soft noises.
"Mm, hmm?" he blinked a few times as Berwald looked down at him, and then his eyes focused and his face fell. "…Ber?"
He realized it had been pointless to put on his glasses as he removed them to rub his face. "Yeah."
"We're naked." he muttered, lifting up the sheets just to make sure.
Berwald frowned in annoyance, but he knew that Lukas was just coming to terms with the unforgivable act they had apparently committed. Berwald honestly couldn't remember much more than watching Mathias fall out of his chair sometime during the night, and he almost couldn't believe that he had done such a thing, but, the evidence was all there.
"Fuck," Lukas sat up too, his hand over his mouth.
Suddenly, heavy footsteps sounded down the hallway and they both looked at each other as the dread seized them. Lukas looked honestly afraid. They had both fucked up; there was no justification for what they had done. They had no right to even begin to ask for forgiveness.
The door swung open and a disheveled Mathias appeared. His mouth fell open although he seemed to have had a rather concerned expression beforehand; his fears had been confirmed. The Dane cringed visibly and his hand twitched as though it wanted to lift to his mouth, or maybe his chest.
"Luke?" he asked in a strangled whisper.
Lukas looked down in an utterly shameful manner that Berwald had never seen before, and then realized he was the cause of. God, this felt like a nightmare.
It only got worse.
An equally bedraggled Ludwig suddenly stepped up beside Mathias, peering into the room as well. As soon as he had observed the situation, his eyes met Berwald's, and the sound of hearts breaking was almost audible.
"Berwald?" Ludwig's voice wasn't gentle, but it was quiet.
It was as if he was asking for confirmation for what he was seeing. Berwald bowed his head, and nodded once.
"What the fuck?" Mathias suddenly roared, his voice high and his face red, the volume making them all cringe.
Lukas didn't look at him, he simply pulled himself close. When Berwald willed himself to look up at Ludwig again, the expression of anger and disgust cut him deeply, but it still didn't hurt as much as when he simply turned around and walked away. Mathias glanced after him and swallowed hard.
"Lukas, you," his voice was weak and broken, but there was something tense behind it. "You said…"
Lukas squeezed himself tighter, and it was apparent he wouldn't speak to him.
That was when he burst.
The Dane's voice echoed through the house, making Berwald's head throb horribly, and making his chest tighten with guilt. He screamed at him a little, but then his focus shifted and he shouted at Lukas. It wasn't childish name calling; it was full-blown rage. He threw everything he had at him, but Berwald got up to silence him after he called Lukas easy.
Berwald got up, managed to quickly get his pants on, and then walked over to Mathias, putting up his hands to push him out.
"Fuck you!" Mathias snarled at him, shoving him back harshly. "This is your fault! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Berwald couldn't respond, but after Mathias shoved him, he saw something switch in his eyes that barely gave him enough time to dodge a deadly hook to the side of his head. He swung again though, and Berwald took most of it in the ribs, making him step back. He wanted to fight back, but he didn't feel he could. For all he knew, it really was his fault.
When Mathias jumped on him, that thought had sapped his will to fight entirely, and so he let himself simply fall to the ground. He took a fist to the side of his face and one to his jaw before Mathias really threw himself into a punch, and he heard his nose crunch sickening. Warm blood seemed to spew everywhere, but Mathias kept swinging, making sure that blood did spew everywhere.
"Stop!" Lukas shrieked suddenly, and then there was a strange and unfamiliar sound. "Stop it!"
They both looked up to see Lukas crying, wrapped in a blanket, his nose and mouth covered by both of his hands as tears sprung from his eyes.
"Luke,"
"Get out! Both of you!" he continued shouting, sobbing harder.
Mathias looked at him desperately, but when he realized there was nothing he could say he glared at Berwald and got off of him, storming out of the room with blood on his knuckles.
The Swede pushed himself up, his head pounding and his nose throbbing so much it hurt to breathe even through his mouth. His glasses were bent, but the lenses seemed unharmed. Blood began to drip down his shirt as he stood.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, his voice muffled by his broken nose.
"Just get out." Lukas told him, still somehow managing to sound cold as tears fell from those strange purple eyes.
Eyes that weren't meant to cry.
Berwald obeyed.
Ludwig wasn't on the upper floor, but Berwald had to stop the blood before he could go after him. On the other hand, bashing his head against the wall was looking to be a pretty attractive option.
God fucking damnit.