After he had set his nose, which hadn't been as difficult as he expected, and once he had cleaned up most of the blood, Berwald went out to find Ludwig. He doubted if he would speak to him, but, the crippling sickness he now felt left him with no choice. He had to try.
Ludwig was predictably out by the shoreline, staring at the darkening water as the clouds grew heavier. As he approached, he absently thought about calling to him so he didn't alarm him, but then he thought that if Ludwig was startled enough to swing at him, it might make him feel better. It might make them both feel better.
However, when he reached him, Ludwig glanced over his shoulder and spotted him. He didn't speak, but he didn't leave either. Instead he turned around and slowly brought up his arms and folded them across his chest.
Berwald opened his mouth to speak, but his throat closed and nothing came out.
Ludwig's face was hard and his lips were pressed in a tight line. He would wait for him to speak.
"I," his eyes fell, and his words came out pathetically quiet. "I'm sorry."
Ludwig huffed a little, his arms still folded.
"I know that won't fix it, but, I am. I'm sorry," he muttered again.
"No, it won't fix it." Ludwig snapped, his voice harsh and angry. "It won't take back what you did. I trusted you, Berwald. You said that what was between you and Lukas was from a long time ago, and I believed you! Not only did you betray my trust, but you knew how Lukas and Mathias were; I thought you were their friend."
Berwald couldn't meet his eyes; everything he said was true, and the shame made his shoulders heavy.
"If you weren't over Lukas, you shouldn't have said you-" Ludwig's voice suddenly hitched, but he cleared his throat and spoke again. "You shouldn't have told me you loved me."
"Ludwig," he said quietly, pleadingly taking a step forward.
He didn't step away from him, but he looked up with a force that froze Berwald in place. There was anger in his eyes, but more than that, there was pain. He was hurt. He hadn't wanted to hurt anyone, ever. Especially not Ludwig. Anyone but him. And yet, he was the one he had hurt the most.
"Just tell me one thing," his voice fell low and his eyes held unwaveringly. "Were Tino and I just replacements for Lukas?"
Berwald wanted to immediately reject such an idea, but if he had, Ludwig wouldn't have believed him. Instead, he thought it out, and then spoke slowly.
"I can't replace one love with another. It wasn't the same, with Tino or with Lukas. And I love you differently than either of them." he explained, although it seemed to take a long time for him to say, and then he gathered himself up and took another step forward. "The others left, but Ludwig, I can't lose you. I wouldn't be able to-"
Ludwig looked away, staring at the ground for a moment as he spoke sharp words. "You say Lukas left, but it would seem he wasn't out of your reach."
Berwald deserved that, but it still hurt. He might have even winced physically.
"Please, Ludwig, I never meant to," it was hard to say. "To cheat on you. I don't know what I was thinking, but I love you,"
To his horror, when Ludwig didn't respond, Berwald began to cry. He turned his head and covered his eyes with one hand, the other balled into a fist as his side as he tried to stop. His face grew hot with shame and bit his lips, but the metallic tang of blood didn't stop the tears.
"I love you. I love you more than I ever loved Lukas, or Tino. I didn't mean to hurt you, I only wanted to make you happy, but, I-I couldn't,"
Squeezing his fist tighter and his eyes shut didn't help him keep any kind of control.
"I'm sorry, Ludwig, I'm so, so sorry," against his will, Berwald's crying suddenly dissolved into sobbing and he brought his other hand up to help shield his face. "I'm sorry for everything,"
His knees began to weaken, just as they had the first time Ludwig had left, when he hadn't thought he would ever return. He intended to just let himself fall, when suddenly he felt something solid against him, and he was held up.
"Berwald," Ludwig's voice was soft and steady next to his ear. "Don't cry."
He moved his hands and wrapped his arms around Ludwig as the German hugged him back, and he buried his face in his shoulder.
"Please, don't go," Berwald begged, his fingers gripping the fabric of his jacket tightly. "I'm so sorry, please, don't leave…I love you, please, I'll do anything,"
His chest convulsed violently, making his throat constrict in an attempt to suppress the sobs, silencing him. Then, he felt Ludwig's hand on the back of his head and he hushed him, then began running his fingers through his hair slowly, trying to comfort him.
"Berwald," he said again in his same, calm tone. "I'm not going to leave. Don't cry."
Ludwig was patient with him, and when he finally composed himself enough to wipe his eyes, they both stepped back, but Ludwig still held his arms. He seemed to be waiting for him to speak again.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice sounding pathetic and broken.
Ludwig closed his eyes once as an indication that it was not what he had been waiting for. "I will forgive you, but for now, I don't trust you."
He blinked, a little caught off guard.
"I love you, Berwald," Ludwig told him, but it sounded more like a justification than a sentimental confession. "But, you will have to earn my trust back."
Nodding once seemed to be the proper response as Berwald tried to accept what he was being told.
Ludwig's eyes softened then and their hands found each other. "But I'm not leaving. I won't go anywhere unless you come with me."
Even after hearing the words from Ludwig's own lips, Berwald's mind still bombarded him with images of Ludwig rejecting his touches, and instead going to Mathias for comfort and conversation.
"Are you sure?" he asked softly. "I can't seem to, fix anything,"
Ludwig looked away for the second time and his eyes stared deeply into his thoughts. Berwald was quiet, but with each passing second, the images in his own mind became more vivid.
When Ludwig turned back to him, it was slow. His eyes ran along the ground until they reached his shoes, and then rose up his figure until they rested on his eyes again.
"I…I haven't been feeling, myself, lately. I thought time would help. But I didn't want, to upset you with, the way I was feeling," he explained slowly, frowning as if it were hard for him to find the right words.
"I just wanted to help you," Berwald told him quietly.
"And maybe I should have let you," his words were so soft he almost didn't catch them before the wind swept them away.
For a moment they both just stared at each other, and then Berwald felt Ludwig's hand slip away. He had to fight every muscle in his body to avoid desperately grabbing for it back. But, Ludwig surprised him when he stepped closer and reached up, removing his glasses gently.
His nose was reset, but it was still an ugly color. His eyes too, and the sides of his nose just beneath his eyes where the metal of his glasses had dug into the soft flesh, probably still looked pretty bad. Mathias had a mean punch, and Berwald hadn't even tried to defend himself.
"You look like shit," Ludwig told him after a moment of studying his face seriously.
Berwald began to smile after recovering from the sudden statement. "You should see Mathias."
His eyes widened a bit. "Did you hit him back?"
"No, he just looks like that." Berwald quipped.
For the first time in what felt like years, Ludwig smiled softly. Then, the soft smile broke into a wider grin, and after a moment, he laughed.
God, how long had it been since he heard him laugh like that, and at something he had said?
Ludwig pressed himself against Berwald's figure, his head resting against his cheek. He wrapped him up, relishing in the feeling. He had missed this so much, just being able to hold him, and to see him smile. The day had started out so awful, but now, he felt as though his heart might burst with joy.
They stayed like that for a bit longer, but the heavy clouds above threatened harsh weather and the wind began to blow harder. A small shutter ran down Berwald's spine, but it had nothing to do with the cold; he always got shivers before a storm. Still, Ludwig pulled back a bit, and then frowned.
"You're not even wearing a coat?" he asked scornfully, removing his scarf and wrapping it around the Swede's neck and chin. "You'll catch a cold!"
Berwald felt himself starting to smile at him over the warm scarf, but he just couldn't help it; he loved this officious, fussy German more than anything else in the entire world.
"What are you smirking at?" Ludwig demanded, but despite how his brow was furrowed, a small smile began to tug at his lip before he pushed him towards the house. "Get your ass inside."
He began to march back obediently, but only once he made sure he could hear Ludwig right behind him. The man in question appeared at his side a moment later, and, with a soft clearing of his throat, took his hand. Berwald felt his heart glow.
"I'm still mad at you," Ludwig told him pointed, but when Berwald looked at him he threw his gaze at the house. "But, if Mathias lays a hand on you again, he won't be getting it back."
Despite how he smiled, Berwald felt like he wanted to hit himself over the head with a brick with a sudden realization. How could he have been so stupid? Ludwig loved him, and he loved Mathias too, but it was different. It was brotherly love. That was probably why Mathias could make him smile in the first place; Ludwig was missing his brother, that Gilbert, and Mathias always told stories about his brothers that could make anyone smile. Hell, Berwald never even had a brother, but sometimes he thought that if he had one, it would have somehow been Mathias. That was just who he was.
"What are you thinking about?" Ludwig suddenly asked.
Berwald sighed heavily before answering. "That I'm an idiot,"
"You've got that right," he told him without missing a beat, but before they entered the house Berwald stopped him.
"But," he stole a quick kiss. "I'm your idiot,"
Ludwig shoved him lightly, again frowning, but seeming to be fighting another smile. "That's not even clever,"
"No, but it's true." he smiled, able to see a light blush on Ludwig's cheeks as he turned around and marched inside the house.
"Get in here, you stupid Swede."