An: ok peoples, STOP FLAmiNG!111111111111111111111111
Nope! Never *evil laugh*
ANd mr. haker: I changed mi PISSWORD AGIN!111111111111111 hahaha u'll nevr gess it!
11111111
Ooh, I wonder. I bet she changed one number again or something.
Hey, hacker! Change the two to a three!
ur just a northurn luser with no lif!111111111
Kind of like you, but in a different geographic region?
Capter 36: Bass pro shop
Why.
Don't mean to stereotype, but she doesn't seem like the fishing type. And where would you fish at Hogwarts? The giant squid lake? That sounds like a great plan! *insert copious amounts of sarcasm*
"Oh look, I got one! Oh no, it's a mermaid and now I've started an inter species war. Oops."
Kind of a minor issue, you know. But the school would just hand over Jo and it'd all be fine.
Darryl and I went to hogsmede on the day we wer suppods 2.
Whoa, following the rules? Not being given special treatment? What is this, the actual Harry Potter books?
Then when we got ther, DUMBELDOR was ther!11111111111111111
Leaving the school unattended? Geez, DUMBELDOR is a sucky headmaster.
"hi Dumbledore," I said.
Noooo! Dumbledore, you're finally here? WHY DON'T YOU FIX THIS MESS? * starts crying* WE WERE ALL COUNTING ON YOU!
"oh hi," he said hpapply."
]
Oh yeah. I always speak hpapply. It's my favorite emotion.
" hav you ben wondering wat the secrit project is?"
"OMG yes, wat is it?" donald and I said,
And suddenly, Donald. Way to ditch Darryl.
PICK A NAME AND STICK WITH IT! And no, I don't overuse caps lock... Why?
... Sure.
"Well, he said' you are going to b mi spies on kwirrel and snalpe, those stupid northerners!1111111"
If you think that they're stupid northerners, why did you hire them?
And what kind of secret plan is that? It's not obvious at all to have two first years trailing the teachers? Couldn't Dumbledore or whoever have thought of a less conspicuous, more logical plan?
Oh my gods, they're still first years. FIRST YEARS AREN'T EVEN ALLOWED IN HOGSMEADE, IT'S A THIRD YEAR PRIVILEGE!
So much for no special treatment! Of course; I forgot about that detail. And... um... can you guys tell that we're getting just a little annoyed at this story?
"Cull,"
Not going to say anything. Not going to point out that you DON'T INTERJECT THAT YOU WANT TO CULL SOMEONE EVERY TIME YOU THINK SOMETHING IS 'COOL'. It's FOUR WORDS.
...letters Nacht. Four letters.
Ahem. Caps lock kind of messes with logic. I meant that.
"oh, and u know how I said ur parents were alive?"
"Yeh," we saiad,
I read that as "we salad" for a second there. Also, really?!
If I had learned that my presumably-dead parents were miraculously alive, it wouldn't be something that I would just pass off and forget about! Come on!
"Well there comin 4 HALLOWEEN " Dumbledore said.
"cool, waat r u dressing up as" hary asjed,
Ok, cool, I'm finally going to meet my parents! So Dumbledore, what are you dressing up as?
"obama~" dumdledor said.
...I have no more words.
So much for this being a fic that doesn't insult actual specific people.
"WHAT?'" we scremed/
I'm screaming too, at the sheer awfulness of this.
\
"yeah, im gonna petren blak nurthurn idiot, itll b funny cuz I can akt relly dumb"
#five words right. I'm not counting "I", even though I'm pretty sure she's misspelled that at some point earlier on.
She has. "Ei".
"Yeh"
"Did u know obama waz a suthurnur?"" donald asks.
"Yeh,," dumbmbldroe said," then he painted his skin blak and became a nurthurnur."
What the actual heck? Like really, Jo Bekke, you are... Ugh, I can't do this.
Joke's on you Jo Bekke; Obama was born in Hawaii. But yeah, ew. How even.
"TRateor," job eke said.
"I knoew!" Dumbledore said suspicusly. N
Why are you suspicious? DUMBLEDORE, GET EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL! PLEASE!
Then we went 2 look thru bass pro shup. I got a fishing rod wand 2 go with mi pich4k wand.
You don't need two wands. I don't even know if you can have two wands. These are tools, not style choices! "Hm, do I want to stab Death Eaters or fish for them?" NEITHER! YOU HEX THEM!
":Nice chicoe," darryl said, "I got aa new tractor," je said.
"Yep, I just walked into a fishing store and randomly bought a new tractor that I am totally never going to use at Hogwarts! I don't even know where I'll store it, but that doesn't matter because I'm in a badfic!"
"cool, I sed.
Then we went in2 the rosies café.
?
Some other reference to something Jo likes, that just happens to be in Hogsmeade? Of course!
I thought she was trying to say Rosemerta, but that's just silly, that's not her cafe, it's a pub.
And you don't just shorten every name you're too lazy to spell! Stop it!
We wen in and rosie sadi.
"Hi dis is the best suthurn café in the world!
You are in Great Britain. Not the United States South. Get your facts right.
"Hi, welcome to Rosie's Cafe, we're the best Southern cafe in the world! So, of course, we aren't actually located in the South, we're in the middle of some Scottish highlands! Makes perfect sense, right?"
"Enjoy our logic! Now what do you want to eat?"
11111 wer would u lijke 2 sit?"
"Not with any nurthurners that's for sure!" we sdai happily.
"Don't worry we don't let northurn skum in here/
"O good," darryl said.
"Yeperoom,' so,'
Have any of you guys actually seen someone say "yeperoom"? It sounds like something that would be a sound effect on a kids' TV show.
Or like "yeperoo" and "nyoom" had a word child.
she said. "Wat wuld tou like?"
"Wat wuld tou like?" Pinnacle of customer service here. Eloquence? Bah! It's perfect.
"we both want fried chiken," I sed. "With sum biskits.".
"ok, lol," she sasid, and let.
Let... what? Let you get murdered by some angry badfic critics? Everyone get your wands and knives and overly-sharpened silverware!
THEN…. … … … …. . . .. . .. …. …. …. .. … … .. .. . . ….. .. . .. ….. …. … …
Oh no, the suspense. It's killing me. Just...killing me. * sarcasm to the max*
HAMLET WALKED UP
OH MY GOSH, HAMLET WALKED UP. AMAZING!
I feel like there should be a count of how many times the cliffhanger is "Hamlet", and how many times it's "dum-whatever-Jo-decides-is-his-name-now".
2 b continued!