*A.N. – Thankyou so much to everyone who has been reviewing and alerting and favouriting(sp?:L), you actually have inspired me to write this chapter today... all for you, so thankyou my loyal readers.
Oh and I went for snow patrol as background music for writing this if anyone's wondering, most songs go well with this chapter ;) Enjoy! xx*

Bella's POV

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do this. If only he hadn't shown me his eyes, hadn't faced me. If he had just blindfolded me and made me listen to the music then touched his lips to mine I would have forgotten who he was with such a piece of beauty still ringing in my ears. The electricity buzzed through me blurring rational thoughts into nothingness.

I just didn't understand how he could do this to me. Tear me apart; torture me as he once had but this time so differently. As his lips mashed against mine with a need, a passion I hadn't felt ever before and my lips separate from my rational mind begged me to respond I was stuck, I didn't know what to do and in that split second I was in some sort of everlasting agony. He was making me choose, making me decided to be with an evil or to be evil to myself and disallow him from my life. Oh sweet God could there be a way around this all? Couldn't he just be two different people because as his lips moved on mine, just a mere second passing while these thought assaulted my mind I felt the burn, I felt what his musical lilts were sounding about, I felt it all but that was just one half. The other part of me was just as strong as the other and it burned in a different way, it was not a physical need or a passion it was pure anguish and suffering and it wanted to expel him from my lips.

My inside seemed to be ripping apart as I shook once, and then did it.

I pushed him off me with such force that he stumbled off of the stool. I exhaled and began to gather myself, the fight or flight mechanism in my brain was beginning to set into action, I needed to choose if I could run from this situation and sort it out later or speak with him and get it over with now. The problem was holding myself together enough to tell him why I'd pushed him so violently away.

Remove your mind of memories Bella. There's a perfectly plausible excuse for your behaviour. It's so easy to use it, he has to accept it.

"Bella, I-" he began to speak but I cut him off with a sudden burst of confidence, so what if James didn't cause that sort of explosion inside me; he also didn't rip me apart and charm me to believe that he was a different person from he really was.

"Edward no, I'm seeing James, I can't do this," he started to speak again but I put my hand up to silence him, "No Edward, let me speak. I'm not just any girl that you can decide you want and have, you saw me last night with James. We are all but boyfriend and girlfriend and I'm not fucking that up when you can just go with the other million girls you have at school," my face still felt his breath on it, his scent still swirled around me and I shivered, "James Edward, I like James."

He bit his lip. It was something I did myself without even noticing and I wondered why he did it. His music felt so real for those past moments, for seconds I was sure all of it was the truth. I felt emotions in it, it wowed me to tears but I had to go on facts here. Edward was a liar. My mind knew it and I had to stick with that. I had to trust past experiences with him just to keep myself in the present and to reject him. I could never have thought it would come down to this:

"You're disgusting Isabella"

"Fatty"

"Belly"

"You gonna snort for us all Izzy?"

"Just remember not to go anywhere near the scales, you're mom will have to pay for new ones!"

"How come your face is covered in spots? Do you wash your face in grease every morning?"

"Maybe if you just stopped eating for a few years, you might end up near normal looking!"

You have to remember Bella. You have to do this for yourself because if you don't you'll never ever get over it all, you won't ever move on and you'll be stuck in this endless circle of nightmares and bitterness. Just do it.

"Edward, I... I'm still fine being your friend but let's just keep it at that okay?"

His face dropped, then neutralised. Totally calm and cordial. "I'm so sorry Bella; I didn't ask permission, I shouldn't have-"

I stood up and took steps towards the door, "that's okay Edward, as long as we're clear now,"

I opened the door and was out of it just after I saw him nod in agreement.

I breathed. I breathed again, and again, and again. I concentrated on that as I prevented myself from breaking apart. I things to do or the rejection would all be for nothing

Soon I was back in the toilet; I locked both doors and raided the bathroom, memorising the labels and makes that Edward used. Emmett had his own bathroom, so did Carlisle and Esme but Alice shared with Edward so I knew whos was whos in terms of shampoos and body washes. My plan for revenge would all depend on remembering these things. I took the phone out of my pocket and went to the notes section; a list was being collected there. Details on him especially, a few on Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett and Rosalie were off the hook for the moment. They would become suspicious anyway if I played with their minds too much. Plus I had to see what Emmett and Edward's reaction would be to each other.

I could pull this off, I would pull this off; time to get started.

I left before Emmett and Edward spoke to each other but not before I was thanked by Alice for last night and she proposed something that I had both been dreading and wanting. She spoke of the Cullen's summer getaway. I had once heard it brought up in conversation and had stored the knowledge at the back of my mind. It still came as quite a shock when she brought it up so soon.

"Bella, before you go, I wanted to know if you would maybe consider coming with us this summer, to the lake house I mean. We're all turning eighteen this summer and in Emmett's case he already is eighteen, I know your birthday isn't until half way through September but I thought you might like to go if you were allowed. I suppose after last night I'd still have to check that we're all still allowed. I know it's alot to think about and you'd have to discuss it with Charlie but after last night I just feel that you'd be more welcome to come with us than ever, and at the end of the day it's not like I'm asking you to move in with us it's just a holiday that we're going on and I suppose it might sound a little bit-" I knew I had to cut her off there, she was worrying herself as she kept on speaking.

"It sounds brilliant Alice, perfect," she beamed at me and I thought with a sinking feeling that I would have to lie constantly in front of her while I was there. It was the perfect chance to do what I needed but.

"Well, we only have two and a half weeks left before we leave for it and I'm just so glad I'll have another person to plan for! It's a three hour drive but well worth it, the sun just three hours from here is a million times better. You'll love it!"

"I'm sure I will."

James had texted me while I was driving and when I got home it was a relief to find the house empty because all I wanted to do was sulk. I flung myself on the sofa and opened the message. He was asking if Emmett was okay and wanted to know if I was busy tonight. I text back telling him Emmett all but perfect now and that I was free.

I pulled the little blanket lining the top of the sofa onto me and cuddled up into it. I wasn't really physically exhausted but I felt the strain mentally.

I thought of Edward and how he had only realised what he was doing to people when someone he loved was hurt like that. Where had his compassion been when numerous times I lay in the dirt in front of him and he thought that it was okay to just forget he did all of this because he broke up with a girl and saw her get hurt? What right did he have to be with anyone that didn't know the truth about him? They were being sorely misled because his past was not just the average mischief; he had broken a girl to pieces. Ruined her.

And now he wants me to have feelings for him? I wanted to scream with pain when I thought of things I had missed out on in life because of him and I wanted to punch him until he could feel just a tiny shred of the pain I had felt over the past years. The confusing part was that every time I pictured him it was the twelve year old I wanted to punch. The one with the cold eyes and the hard smile. Not the crooked grin which enticed me in every way. Not the hard masculine cheek bones that had now been chiselled out of his rounder child face. He was so different and it was hard to mix the difference of them to just one person because the Edward I had re-met was not anything like young Edward. He really wasn't-

Beep. Beep. Beep. My phone buzzed and I opened my eyes which I had squeezed tight shut. It was James again and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner tonight. I didn't even need to think and I replied yes. My life was becoming too revolved around revenge, I needed something to take off the edge and it looked like James would be happy providing it.

I stalked upstairs as James replied with a text telling me a time, place and asking if I needed to be picked up. I told him no; the sitting in the car might be slightly awkward. After all, I didn't know him that well.

I decided to catch up with my homework; write an essay. I purposely blocked all thought processes out while I was at it. It was becoming a burden sometimes to think but that would become easier over time I was sure.

Romeo and Juliet. It was an absolute bummer of an essay when you were trying to not to think of all the things Romeo and Juliet contained. Three hours passed and I had hardly half of it done. I changed tactics and went for watching the film; I had it in the room somewhere, I'd watched it a good few times but I tried to avoid it lately as it never failed to reduce me to tears. However, it seemed like a necessary precaution before I finished this essay. In fact it would probably be the only way I'd manage to finish it today, I was having a serious mental block.

The music as usual commanded the hair on my back to stand on end and my eyes to prick with tears as I knew the tragedy that was soon to come. I did cry because it was something I couldn't help. Leonardo is just such a good actor, gorgeous too. Not a patch on Ed-. Stop right there I told myself but I knew the thought that had flicked through my head.

I was able to admit to myself that yes I did have a crush on Edward Cullen, but I didn't have a crush on all of him. That was enough to satisfy my thoughts so I could finish of my essay. I pushed myself so I was finished with two hours to spare. Giving me time to curl my hair decide what to wear and do my makeup.

I didn't want to be too dressy so I ended up with black skinny jeans and deep red frilled blouse with a pair of open to scarlet heels. I used the unopened red lipstick I had bought particularly for this outfit, found my black clutch and that was me... with an hour to spare.

I watched a bit of T.V., listened to music, read a little bit, then with ten minutes to go I realised I should paint my nails. I did that hurriedly then had to re do it. It wouldn't be bad to be fashionably late. I had been so engrossed in my own thoughts that I had forgotten to be nervous, now it hit me like a tsunami, knocking me over inside before I had time to recognise the feeling.

The drive there was awkward because I tried to plan out how the conversation would go but I couldn't decide on what to talk to him about and I was scared about him finding me boring because I really wasn't the most interesting girl in the world.

I rounded the corner to the little restaurant; it was sweet looking, nothing extravagant but not too casual either. Just my kind of place, I smiled slowly as I saw him sitting at a table inside waiting on me. I bit my lip and remembered Edward biting his. I wish he'd just go away for tonight.

We ordered quickly, I was quite opinionated with food and although he urged me to get the chicken wings as the starter which I couldn't help but comment looked great after seeing them at someone else's table I just went for a small prawn salad. He eyed me curiously.

"You really don't need to watch your weight Bella," wow that was blunt.

"Uh... well I just like to be healthy," how were you supposed to answer that for God's sake?

"Well everything's good in moderation and trust me if anyone's ever needed to watch their weight it would be me – I used to be a chubster," he pressed his lips together and nodded in a joking manner.

"Seriously?" I played it like I would if I didn't know him, but inside I wondered how he could bring up that in public. It would have been less shocking even if he'd put it in a polite way like telling me he could easily put on the pounds.

"Oh yeah! You want to see?" without me even saying anything he pulled his phone out of his pocket and flicked through it for a few seconds then turned it towards me; that was definitely James as a younger boy. He looked the same as I remembered him except maybe a tad heavier.

"My God." I uttered, pretending to be shocked, "that's really you?"

"Yeah," he chuckled, "that was three years ago, now I'm a different me," he smiled while flexing his arms. He had a tight grey top on that really accentuated the shape of his arms; you could see the muscles ripple. Any other guy and I might have found him too cocky but I could understand his pride in his new body. At first I had thought it odd that he had been so ready to talk about his past but with James you could tell that he had quite clearly separated his past from his present. He wasn't that boy anymore and for a second I was tempted to tell him of who I was, and what I had become and ask him how the hell he managed to have such confidence. I didn't know him that well just yet though.

I stared at his smiling face and his twinkling eyes and I wondered if he could be the boy I shared my secrets with and have him understand how it felt to be looked at and laughed at – when you were what we were you didn't even get spoken to before people decided that you weren't worth it at all. No personality came into it when you were what we had been. Angela had been my saviour from that cruel world at one point but now when I looked back I realised she just kept me going but she was by no means my saviour. I wondered who had been James's saviour. What had changed him into what he was now?

The meal went by in relaxed conversation. I was a little unearthed by how much lying I did; my whole past basically had to be reformed and pruned until it sounded perfect and gave no hint to who I was. I found out that he was still a bit of a bad boy. Not exceptionally mental but just little things he let slip in conversation. I didn't mind so much. Nothing he did could match up to... other's deeds. Talking to him gave me a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hope I guess.

We split the mean and walked out into the parking lot; I braced myself for a goodnight kiss and I wasn't disappointed. It was slower and deeper than before and I could really get into it. I wasn't panicky that he wouldn't find me a good kisser because he'd kissed me before and now he was doing it again. He wouldn't do that if he wasn't enjoying it.

He drew his hands around my waist and pulled me closer. We stood outside my truck in the parking lot and I was suddenly conscious that people would see us. I pulled away. I didn't know what to make of it but I was surprised and a little disappointed that my head was still clear as day. His warm breath hadn't clouded my thoughts and I wasn't struggling for what to say to him. I guess he wasn't exactly a knight in shining armour but I did like him. We had a spark with each other. "I need to be home James; I had a really great night though."

He dipped his head to me, "I'm glad Bella; we should do this again sometime."

"Yeah James... I would like that." And with that he kissed me once again on the lips and I got into the truck, slamming the door with a girlish wave.

I decided to kill two birds with one stone and drop into Port Angeles supermarket. I had some things of Edwards that I had to pick up. Well to be truthful some things like Edwards things. I had a plan set out; I would need to pack them away for the trip. I went back to the joke shop. I had an idea and I think it could be magnificent. I also needed to pick up some needles and thread, they would be useful too.

Everything was working out in my mind and by the time I returned to Forks I felt like I had passed through weeks in the past two days. I couldn't believe that last night was the party because now everything was different. I was a much stronger person for one thing and I could withhold so many things from people. I could lie brilliantly. The only thing that felt like it hadn't changed was that I was still shit scared of telling Charlie my plans for summer.

"Hey dadddd," I flopped down on the sofa beside him.

"Uh, hey Bells," he turned his head and looked at me even though he was watching the game – that was a loving sign from him.

"Well, you know how I've made alot of new friends lately," he nodded; I went straight to the point, it was better not to ramble with Charlie, "they were wondering if I could go to a lake house with them for summer... for a couple of weeks." His eyebrows had shot up but somehow I knew already that I would have permission.

The thing with Charlie was that he was guilty of basically ignoring me for the past years of my life. Yes I got birthday cards and phone calls, trips to a few different states with him as well so I knew him. But I wasn't given the amount of attention that I should have had and now it was too late for him to keep me under his wing. We both knew this. The look on his face reminded me that it was just a matter of time before he agreed calmly instead of me having to throw a tantrum and demand my way.

The thing I was shit scared of was that my dad would lose respect for me, I was going away with boys as well as girls and he wasn't naive – he would ask who else was going too and there was no point in lying to him. He finally spoke.

"Bells, I wouldn't be too happy with it, especially if boys are going with you," he gave me a serious look. Then he asked questions about it. Many that I couldn't even answer, it wasn't like Alice had really told me much about it.

"Dad, I'm seventeen, nearly eighteen, I'm not a baby and please don't treat me like one, I can take care of myself and I don't appreciate you not trusting me." I looked at him with pleading eyes and he sighed.

"In honesty, it's not you I don't trust Bells, it's boys; you might think I'm being all overprotective but I know what happens in relationships at this age... and I'm just doing what a normal father would do."

"Dad..." I cracked a little under his gaze and struck a little below the belt, "You lost the right to have any moral high ground on this when you got mom pregnant at seventeen."

His eyes popped a bit and he made a grunting noise. I'd went too far, "fine Isabella, if that's what you think then I suppose you're right, it's your choice to make your own decisions at this age. Just know that I'm trying to stop what happened to us from happening to you."

I looked him straight in the eye and nodded, "I don't need help for that dad." I leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead then went up to my bedroom. I didn't know if I had just ended the argument or what but I believed all peace was restored.

Sunday morning I got a call from Alice asking me if I wanted to come over – I had already done my homework so I had no excuse really to not go over. I just felt uneven about the whole business. What if I walked into a warring family who couldn't work out how they'd been tricked into fighting?

But of course I went anyway; my newly found style was becoming a way to comfort myself. If I focused on that then I couldn't think of problems; denims, a juicy couture top and red converse were the way i chose to calm myself today.

Charlie went out fishing on Sundays so I only needed to leave a not for him on the table as I had the night before and I left. I had about a couple of months worth of spending money left and then I would really need to get a job because soon I would be starting to run low and asking Charlie for money just wasn't an option. My mom was still sending me a sum of money every month but not enough to keep on buying all these clothes with. Or to put in my share to the lake house; however much it would cost.

On the way there I blasted music through my truck and sang along. Quite random but I felt like a little sing song to improve my mood. Michael Buble, Adam Lambert and Leona Lewis all had a run for their money. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel and grinned even though it felt out of place on my face but it was time I got used to being happy. Edward, Emmett and Rosalie all knew what it felt like to be happy through their evil deeds and now I could do the same.

I once remember reading that the actual physical motion of smiling releases some sort of thing into your brain which actually puts you in a better mood; you trick your brain. So that's what I did the whole way there and by the time I got out of the truck to the Cullens house I found myself not as intimidated as I would normally be at the gigantic building and just knocked on the door.

I felt like I was finally deluding myself into thinking I was on equal terms with them.

"Oh hello Bella," Esme answered the door. It was astonishing the change in her since the last time I saw her. Her hair looked as if it had been highlighted in some places although the bronze colour still shone beautifully. She had swept it back from her face and a side fringe covered her forehead. She was wearing what I presumed to be her work clothes. A beautiful beige skirt and suit jacket. I practically envied her figure and she was more than twice my age.

"Hi, Alice invited me over," I smiled at her and felt a rush of warmth for her as she opened the door, gave me directions and didn't continue to speak to me, I could be slightly awkward with new people sometimes and in the long run Esme would probably come to hate me. I needed to face facts.

I ran upstairs to Alice's room and found her sitting on her bed with papers strewn all around her. "What's this?" I laughed as she huffed while sorting through them.

"Just all the things I'm organising for the lake house."

Exactly what I was hoping she wanted to talk about, "Ahhh, Alice, I wanted to know how much I would need to pay you for that-"

She looked shocked as she finally lifted her eyes to mine, "of course you won't pay a thing! Mom and dad own it!" Well she'd definitely done well in forgetting that detail, here had been me panicking ever so slightly about money issues and it turned out I wouldn't have to pay anything at all. "I just wanted to know if you think Edward should come with us... Emmett and Rosalie are against it and Jasper and I think he should come with us and you're really the decider vote. That's not the only reason I invited you round by the way but it's definitely a big reason."

Well of course I had to choose for him to come, otherwise how could I have my revenge? "Yeah, I mean, I get that he's hurt you guys but I doubt you can just cut him out your life... Do you not think it's a little bit sick that you are discussing whether he is or isn't allowed to come behind his back?"

"Well that's what I said but Rose and Em are just really pissed at him but Jazz and I think the whole situations pretty shit and we can get it sorted by going to the lake house together, you know, spending some quality time and all that. We couldn't actually force him not to come but we could tell him we'd ignore him the whole time, that'd make him stay home. Rosalie's idea." She rolled her eyes and I saw a flash of anger, almost hidden from me.

"It sounds much more sensible to me that you let him come along and try to sort things out rather than making him pay for a mistake with his holiday." What a hypocrite Bella.

She sighed heavily, "And now I'm going to have to tell Rose and Em that he's coming no matter what. You know, Edward and Emmett spoke on Saturday and none of them have talked about it since, mind you they're not talking to each other either but they just refuse to talk about it or even tell me what they actually said to each other. They're both my brothers and I can tell Edward's pissed off at me because he thinks I'm taking Emmett's side; what does he expect?"

"I don't know Alice, maybe they'll make it up soon. After all, they do have football practice together all the time, they'll sort it out," I was trying to soothe her, I could see her getting upset again and I was struggling to be so intimate with someone who I had only known for a short period of time. I really like Alice but I found it hard enough to support my own emotions most of the time never mind supporting her. "Where are they all now, are Emmett and Rose still in and we'll go speak to them?"

She nodded, clearly holding in tears and stood up, "Yeah, better they know he's coming now, they need to accept it because he's my brother and at the end of the day he has just as much right to the holiday as Emmett does and much more of a right that Rose... I love her but it's not her decision."

I wondered how everything managed to stack against Edward. I by no means understood the reason for Edward's past behaviour but it did make me wonder if that's the reason he became pack leader, maybe it was his only way to stay ahead of his brother. Then again Edward was around five when he began torturing me so I doubt it all began so he could have one up on his brother.

Fuck. Why Edward? Why the hell did you do it because now you have me torn in two because you made the worst of the worst lowest of the low mistakes? I wish you could fix it.

I do wish he can fix it, make the hole in my heart disappear.

We were walking towards Emmett's bedroom when I frightening thought struck me; what if that's impossible?

*A.N – Reviewers get a preview :) The more reviews I get the quicker I'll put out the chapter... it's called inspiration ;) xxx*