*A.N. – So... I gave this chapter a lot of thought and this is how I've decided to go with it. I also wanted to answer a few comments and questions in the reviews from the last few chapters.

(BTW – massive thank you to all who reviewed I think I got around 40! I couldn't believe it you guys are amazing!)

First of all, if Bella seems slightly unhinged then I'm glad because I've definitely explained her the way I wanted to. Bella is not insane at all but she is badly emotionally scarred and as a victim of bullying myself I cannot tell you how irrational your thought pattern can get around those who once taunted you – one minute you can hate their guts and the next you feel sorry for them and the situations you find out they are in. I like to think of myself as a moral person and so someone could seriously hurt me and I would like to think I could still have compassion for that person even if I don't fully forgive them yet and that's how I wanted to portray Bella.

Also, I am sorry if I'm not updating fast enough for you guys but I always have a lot on – I work and this week I happened to have my dad's birthday my aunts wedding tomorrow and my cousins christening on Sunday on top of working every day and just to confirm I did not have this chapter written and finished until tonight.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and review as always and tell me what you think. I love to hear your thoughts! Sorry about the crazy long AN. Enjoy it!*

I wasn't sure what was driving me anymore in life so I just let myself run in autopilot. Not really feeling, not really thinking and not really connecting with anyone. I still visited Edward but I made sure it was just once a week and after his most intense physiotherapy so he was normally too tired out to be able to converse with me at all; his body was still struggling to stay awake for longer than four hours at a time without a nap. Apparently that could be a side effect of time in a coma and they were still struggling to find a medicine that suited him and helped to return his energy.

He was talking a little as of last week but I made sure that the conversation never lasted longer than noises and sometimes my name spoken a little slurred. I hardly even looked at him as I read to him from the newspapers I brought with me. I could tell he was frustrated with me but I couldn't do much about it. I wasn't able to put up a good mask anymore.

I missed tonight's visit with him, I heard his speech was getting better and I just couldn't face it. Not tonight, maybe another night...

Alice had taken to texting me again and was asking me to come over about every second day. I knew she was angry at me, I knew they all were. They wanted me to be at Edward's bed everyday praising him as a saint and trying to aid his recovery. Apparently he was asking for me. Last time I was at his side he could barely say my name never mind ask for me.

I avoided them like the plague at school and I didn't actually think anyone would turn up at my door. But tonight, Alice has told me she's coming round and although I said I had studying to do I know she's coming round anyway. She ignored my last text saying not to come over and I guess she's coming round to tell me that she thinks I should take more of an interest in Edward. I guess I find it hard to be angry at Alice because she doesn't know what Edward did back then and so of course as his sister she's going to back him up. But it doesn't make it any easier... How many more excuses can I make up to stay away from him?

I'm starting to think it's time to cut the cord altogether. I wanted to stay with him, God, I do care about him there's no denying that but what Esme said to me that night about Edward's past has wormed it's way into my brain and all I can think now is that no matter whether it comes out or not now, no matter if I was to come clean there would always be excuses for what he did to me. I think I've just started, slowly but surely, realising that I can't continue any sort of revenge plan. That had stopped the second Edward had his accident. I can't just be there for the sake of being his friend.

So what do I do now?

It's really hitting me; I don't have any reason to continue any sort of connection to him. Being his friend is too painful... and being more, surely that's out of the question. But then, there's the fact that I connect with him like no one I've ever know. That the heat I feel at his touch starts to block out my memories of our past. My world always comes crashing back down when I remember though. And yet, I'm still hesitating, I'm still not making a clear cut decision.

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT!

Perhaps if I could split in two and be the girl with the memories and with the pride and the dignity to disappear to tell the Cullen's she doesn't care about them and then just stop talking to them, just stop being their friends.

Then I could also be the girl who is the Cullen's best friend and who sits by Edward's bedside everyday and nurses him back to health.

I need to fucking choose. It's all I keep thinking, I need to fucking choose.

But which one is it going to be?

My doorbell rings and I rub my eyes realising I had been crying again. I pulled my dressing gown on and walked downstairs. Alice was surely here to give me a row and for now I was going to put her off and tell her I really have been stressing about school.

I opened the door and my breath caught in my throat. They were all there; Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie.

"May we come in?" Rosalie asked. I knew there was no point telling them to go away, they weren't going to leave me alone. I could see the hard glint in all of their eyes; they had obviously discussed this beforehand. So I nodded and let them in leading them into the living room – Charlie was working night shift again so we wouldn't be interrupted – may as well get this over with now.

I feigned a smile, I knew it wasn't fooling anyone but I'd let them make the first move, "so, what's up guys? I've really got a lot of studying to get to so if we can make this quick-"

"Cut the shit Bella." My whole body flinched as though he'd slapped me. But I waited for him to go on, composing myself and raising an eyebrow. His domineering tone made me remember things I didn't want to think about right now and I tried to focus completely on now. "You know why we're here – you have been avoiding Edward and you don't know how much you're hurting him." He sighed and I saw Rose squeeze his hand as he drew in a shaky breath.

Stay focused Bella, don't think about before, think about now.

"Emmett, I don't know what you're talking about – I do go to see him – I was just busy today," I noticed how my shoulders were hunching and I was gradually making myself smaller and smaller, I didn't want to face this, but once I'd noticed it I forced myself to sit up straight, to face their faces.

Alice laughed coldly, "Bella that's not what's happening and you know it – you go and see him when he can hardly stay awake and then you read to him till he's asleep and leave." My eyes widen, I didn't realise they knew that I had been doing that. She notices the look on my face and answers my unspoken question: How did you know that? "The nurses tell us what you do Bella – they find it strange too.

I bit my lip. "Look, it's not like that I just have a lot on my plate and I'm struggling to cope with it all-" Again I was cut off.

"Bella what is going on?" His voice was cooler and more neutral than the others; he wasn't necessarily emotionless he just seemed less angry at me. He looked me in his eyes with so much intensity it was as though he could read my mind, I looked away quickly. "I know you care about him – I remember how you were that time I came over and I can tell that you do care... Has something changed?"

Nothing's changed Jasper. That's what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that's the problem – that I can't live this half life where I pretend to be okay with my attraction and, dare I say it, my love for Edward? I'm not fucking okay with it and it's tearing me apart.

But I didn't say that, I said: "Jasper it's not like that I care about Edward... as a friend and I don't think it's really my place to be at the hospital all the time." I find myself looking at own feet, I can't meet their eyes but I can feel all of their gazes burn into me.

There was silence for a few seconds before Rosalie spoke, "that's a load of bullshit Bella and you know it." Her voice was quiet, silky and deadly, and for the first time tonight I felt my spine prickle with apprehension. That voice was completely familiar, God it was scarily familiar. Yet I knew I was being irrational, she was pregnant for Christ's sake she was hardly going to hurt me.

But then, I of all people should remember that it's the words that truly make the deepest cut.

"Bella, you are being a bitch-"

"Rose" Alice hissed. But it didn't stop her. I looked at her now and she looked fierce, I could see her nostrils flare and the rage in her eyes.

"You can't just leave Edward; I don't deny you've been good to me, you've helped me through a hard point in my life," he eyes softened for a second as her hand moved absentmindedly over her stomach but then they hardened again as she continued. Something in me told me to stop her, to give her another long intricate excuse, but I didn't. I felt so tired, and I let her keep going. "You're a bad fucking person Bella – who leaves a guy recovering from a coma – could you not at least have waited till he was better." She had some fucking cheek. The rage was building up through me as the room was awash in deafening silence and the awkwardness at Rosalie's straightforwardness was tangible. I bit back a nasty retort just as she began to speak again.

"Do you know how selfish you're being Bella?"

And that was the moment; the moment where my decision was made for me. That second right there is where I snapped and I knew there would be no going back from.

My voice was quiet but my tone was menacing. "Do. You. Know. Who. I. Am.?"

I looked at them all now and I smiled at their utter confusion. I had held this in for so long and they had the audacity to make me out to be the bad one here. No, I don't think so. Not again, not ever.

I stood up and looked down at them all whilst grasping at every shred of self confidence and self belief I gathered over the years away from them. I took a deep breath. I could do this. I had been trying to make myself ready for this for a very long time and I knew then it was now or never because if I didn't say it now I would walk away from them and they would never know.

I chose.

"I am Isabella Dwyer."

The facade was finally over.

*A.N. Well, it was slightly mean of me to leave it here... but hey! I'm writing the next chapter now probably as you read... So get REVIEWING and tell me your thoughts guys and feel free to ask me questions or tell me your thoughts and I'll PM you back. Much love! X*