Josephine

It was fun at first, leaving the farm to live in a big city, getting myself a job. My boss, General Titus Trask, seemed so nice in the beginning. And when the work days were over, I could take my pay as his secretary and go out in the city to shop. I particularly loved the candy store!

But then things started to change. Gen Trask introduced me to the creepy doctor and his assistant he'd hired, and also to Sergeant Stryker with that blasted dog whistle.

And then my boss packed us all up and moved us out into the middle of nowhere! No more city, no more shopping, no more candy store. I wrote letter after letter to my mother complaining about how things had changed, but she never wrote me back.

Well, then one day as I was cleaning the ashes out of my boss' fireplace, I spotted a corner of a sheet of paper and recognized my own handwriting on it. That's when I knew that my mother wasn't answering me because none of my letters were even leaving this blasted place!

About that time is when the other fellows started to show up, out here in the middle of the desert of all things. New recruits for the cadre, my boss called them. Tin soldiers, I called them. Every single one of them would somehow wind up with a head wound for a while, and after that, well, they just didn't act like people anymore. Tin soldiers.

As for me, I started listening at doors, hoping to learn when someone would be riding out from here, preferably in a wagon so I could hide myself in the back and get out of this place. There was no point, after all, in me just helping myself to one of the horses and heading out on my own. It had taken days to get here in the first place and, well, at the time we moved here, I hadn't thought to memorize the way we came. I had believed we were moving to another city, or at least to a town! Not to this… this hole in the ground in the middle of the desert!

I was a prisoner here. Not in name - I was still the secretary - but for all practical purposes, I was a prisoner. So I knew I had to watch out, find myself a chance, and take it.

And then came Green Eyes. Oh, but he was pretty! Well, there had been a time when I'd thought my boss was pretty too, so I knew not to let his looks sway me. I'd have to sneak around more, listen in more, see if there was some way I could turn something to my advantage - especially before Green Eyes wound up with that head wound as well and turned into just another tin soldier.

But then something weird happened. I walked out of my room upstairs and looked down into the main room and saw a stranger down there! A very strange stranger too, with an odd way of talking, and all sorts of stuff he was trying to sell to me. It reminded me of shopping and the city, and all I had lost when we came here, and well - I got mad. I was just determined that there wasn't a thing that man could show me that would make me happy. So he'd talk up an item real big, and I'd tear it down again - and wouldn't you know it? He'd agree with me and toss it aside!

And then he showed me the mirror - the flatterer! - and on the back of it the picture of Green Eyes. That's when I got scared. What would my boss do if he caught me talking about Green Eyes with this fellow?

But then… Oh, then he brought out the last item. He showed me the box of candy…

…

But you know, just because a man gives (or sells) you candy, doesn't mean you ought to trust him. I figured I'd better keep on listening around, find out what was what. That's what I was doing just outside the doctor's lab when the door sprang open and Mr Funny Accent grabbed me and dragged me inside. Scared me half to death, and even more so when I saw that Green Eyes had that bandage wrapped around his head. That dang head wound again!

But Green Eyes wasn't acting like a tin soldier. He asked me a lot of questions and I answered them, proud to show him and his buddy - who had lost both his accent and his whiskers - how much I knew about what was really going on around here. And to my surprise, they kissed me, one on this cheek, one on that, before they rushed off to do whatever it was they had in mind to do.

I was left alone. My boss the general, Sergeant Dog Whistle, and the tin soldiers were all gone, and so were Green Eyes and his friend Mr Funny Accent. They'd all gone off and left me.

Well, not all. For then I noticed the creepy doctor was laid out on the floor of his lab unconscious. And as I was hunting up something to use to tie him up, I spotted his assistant as well, out cold in the storage room. That made me happy! I'd never liked either of them anyway, and seeing them knocked out, I knew there wasn't anyone who would or could have done such a thing to them except Green Eyes and his buddy! So I could trust them. Grinning, I tied up the pair of creeps, packed up all my things, and waited for my new friends to come back for me.

It was a long wait.

In fact, the longer I waited, the more afraid I became that my new friends weren't coming back after all - or worse, that my boss and his tin soldiers would get back here first. I was beginning to think maybe I ought to go untie my two prisoners and pretend like nothing had happened. But then I heard a tremendous noise coming into the yard, all thundering hooves and jingling, creaking harness! I peeked out the window and was astounded to see scores of horsemen and a dozen wagons arriving outside the house, and leading the way was a wagon marked Kelton's Travelling Emporium.

Then Green Eyes and Mr Funny Accent hopped down from the seat of that wagon and headed for the door. You better believe I ran to throw it open for them and welcome them back!

They met me with somber news though. The tin soldiers had all been captured along with Sergeant Dog Whistle, but my boss was dead. That hit me hard at first since there had been a time when he'd been good to me and I'd liked him. It took me a bit to recover from the shock.

But when I did, I told them what I'd done to the creepy doctor and his crony. And then they let me know there was someone who wanted to meet me.

Meet me? Who in all that wagon train could possibly want to meet me?

Green Eyes offered me his arm, so I took it. The men led me up to one of the wagons, took me around back, nodded at a pair of uniformed soldiers - real soldiers, in proper cavalry uniforms. And then they threw open the flap and said, "Here she is, sir, the young woman who was so helpful to us."

And that's how I wound up face to face with President Ulysses S Grant!

He was very kind. Treated me like a daughter, or maybe a granddaughter. He invited me in to sit in the shade with him while he sent someone to fetch the things I'd packed. He told me marvelous tales about his life and asked me questions about mine - all, I think, to set me at my ease. He offered to drop me off anywhere I wanted to go in this great nation of ours, but apologized that he had to keep an appointment to visit the territorial governor first.

So that's how I wound up living in California. I wrote Ma and told her about my adventures so she'd know why she hadn't received any letters from me for so long. And she wrote back to fret at me and ask when I'd be coming back home to the farm.

But I like it here! I got a new job, still as a secretary, but this new boss seems a lot more sensible than my old one. Well, not that I've written Ma too much about my new job. I'm not sure how she'd react to learning that my new boss is a woman, but I'm pretty sure I know how she'd react to learning the place where I'm the new secretary is called the Bucket of Blood! And I'd just rather not send poor Ma off into a conniption fit.

Anyway, I've discovered since I got here that I like Chinese food, and the fog, and the view of the ocean, and the way the houses look kind of sideways as they poke up out of the tall hillsides. The only drawback so far is that the ground shakes now and again. But no place is perfect; some places are just less perfect than others, and after living in a hole in the desert, I am more than content getting to live where I do now.

There's just one thing. What with all my astonishment that day at getting to meet the president, I lost track of Green Eyes and his friend, and so I never thanked them properly for getting me out of that place. By the time I thought to look for them again, their wagon was gone and them with it.

I hope they know how grateful I am to them for rescuing me and giving me this chance to live again. I've thought about writing to them, pouring it all out on paper to let them know.

But then what? Even if I wrote a letter, where would I send it? What would I do, address it to:

Green Eyes and Mr Funny Accent
c/o The President
Washington D C?

FIN

(Yes, I know at one point Josephine listens at a door and hears the name Mr West - but it's funnier this way.)