The first thing he did when he stepped off the rickety plane was step out of the way of the other passengers and suck down as much of the cool early morning air as he could, which wasn't much considering the altitude of Cochabamba was a lot higher than anything he was used to. It wasn't La Paz, the capital of Bolivia and the world's highest capital but it was still eight thousand feet above sea level, a pretty big difference to the 600 feet of Chicago.

But his home was behind him now and despite the eight-month timeline he'd given Hailey Jay really didn't know if he would be going back.

It wasn't that he'd stopped loving her, or Voight, or being a cop he just… he couldn't be them anymore. It was the same feeling he'd had when he'd left the Rangers, a choice he never could've imagined himself making until suddenly it happened without him even knowing. One day he'd been a soldier and the next he hadn't; it hadn't made leaving easy but he'd been soothed because he'd known he'd done his duty. And it was the same now.

He loved Hailey, but he couldn't be her lifejacket anymore.

He loved Voight, but he couldn't keep trying to save him. To change him. To be him.

And he'd loved being a cop, more than anything but loving them had taught him that it wasn't good for him. He'd told Hailey he needed to get his sense of right and wrong back and that was true, he couldn't pinpoint when he'd lost it but he knew he had but when he'd been standing in that warehouse, his hands slick with blood as he listened to her and Voight find a way out for him Jay had realized that what he really needed was to get out of the grey.

If the question was how to work in the black and white without losing his mind in all the red he'd thought policing was the answer, and maybe for some it was but not for him. He'd always known there were times the lines needed to be crossed, and that there were good and bad ways to do that but… it was a bigger difference than he'd realized, between being a soldier and an officer. And it was so much easier to get lost when the people he was fighting weren't combatants but civilians, a technicality sure but one that made it a lot harder to hold those lines. And then to try and match what he thought was right with what the rest of his team did? With what his wife and Sergeant did?

What was it Greg had said?

There had been too much noise.

He wished he'd listened to his friend when he'd first told him about reenlisting but it had been so far from what he wanted then, and so close to what he'd been running from that he hadn't been able to. He was going to have to call him soon, they talked but not frequently, not enough for him to know what he was going to make of him returning to the military. Of him abandoning his wife, a woman he'd only heard a little about. A woman who was waiting for a return that might not happen. On a man who didn't love her the way she deserved, who had hurt her in the exact way he'd promised not to.

He hated himself for that.

And he really hoped she hated him too.

Anything to stop her from putting that blame on herself.

The ring on his finger started to feel heavy and while Jay knew he alone wasn't responsibility for the state of their relationship he'd still rather any rage be directed towards him. When it came anyway. From the way she'd looked at him when he'd left, so heartbroken and confused she was going to be in pain for a while. But he couldn't focus on her right now, as much as it made him feel like an ass to think it; he'd come here for himself, to save himself. That was what he needed to do.

He also needed to get the hell off the tarmac before his pickup assumed he wasn't coming and left him stranded here. He kept his head down as he moved through the airport, tense until he got through customs and finally spotted the black jeep in arrivals, the dark-skinned man behind the wheel giving him a nod as he approached.

"Halstead?"

"Yeah."

"Mack."

Two nods later he threw his bag in the backseat and hopped in, accepting the coffee the man, Mack, passed over with apparently not very well concealed surprise.

"You're my new Sergeant. Figured a bit of sucking up can't hurt."

Jay huffed and took a sip, looking him over as he did. The first of his new unit and an absolute beast of a man, heavily muscled and heavily tattooed, but despite his no-nonsense expression he got the feeling he was quick to smile.

Something he proved a second later.

"I'm surprised you didn't bring donuts."

Sure enough he grinned, passing over a brown paper bag as he began to pull away from the airport. "Chocolate fudge."

"Better reception than I got at Bagram." He muttered as he took a bite, unable to help his groan as the sweetness filled his mouth, perfectly complimented by the black coffee. "You are definitely on my good list."

The other man snorted and though he kept his eyes on the road Jay could feel him looking him over. "They said you used to be a Ranger."

"I was. Did five years in the sandbox. Spent the last fourteen on the police force in Chicago; two on patrol, two in Organized Crime and ten in their Intelligence unit."

Probably more information than he needed, and information he already had judging by the way he nodded but as much as he respected the man he was not going to follow in Voight's footsteps here.

No secrets.

"And now you're here."

"And now I'm here."

"For how long?"

Wasn't that the question?

"My contract says eight months. After that… I don't know. But I can promise you that while I'm here this mission and my team are the only things that matter to me."

The other man, Mack, looked him over again, holding his stare for a minute before he nodded. "That's all I ask for."

The implication was there were others on their, his, team who would want more but Jay couldn't fault them for that. And he wouldn't make promises he didn't know if he would keep. But he meant what he'd said. So long as he was here this was where his focus would be, until he knew where it was he wanted to stay.

Cochabamba was known as the City of Eternal Spring and boy did it live up to its name. It was early October and in Chicago that meant things were already getting cool but not here- the city was the fourth largest in Bolivia, set in a valley along the Andes Mountains, a truly beautiful sight, especially in the early morning. It wasn't like Mack was giving him the scenic tour but he still got to see a lot, mountains and lakes and a shit ton of flowers, and as different as it was from everything he was used to he loved it.

It didn't feel like home, but it felt like it could.

He got another wave of guilt as he remembered the people who were waiting on him back in the Windy City, particularly the woman who was expecting that he would come home but again Jay pushed her out of his mind. But at least this time he had a good reason.

They were approaching the base.

It was air force, another difference but since Bolivia was landlocked cartels often used planes to drop their cargo so he was going to have to get used to high altitudes. Mack had given him the heads up that his slight breathlessness was normal, and would get worse before it got better, just one of the many things he'd googled as soon as he'd learned of his posting but the reality was a lot harsher; it had only been an hour and already he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this out of shape. It was an uncomfortable feeling given how hard he worked to stay in it, never mind that it didn't make for the best first impression but he was going to have to work with what he had. In a lot of ways. He took in everything he could as they entered, especially the way the men at the gate gave him a thorough scan before letting them through, their stares staying in his mind long after they'd pulled away. There were a lot of mixed feelings about the relationship between the Bolivian government and the American one, some being grateful for their help while others were not, either because they didn't appreciate the U. S's involvement in any foreign nation or because they were on the cartel's payroll, neither of which made for easy relations.

The interdiction units had their own wing of the base, apparently big enough that they all got their own rooms which was a huge step-up from the forty-man barracks at Bagram. Mack gave him a brief tour as he led him into their annex and despite his creeping exhaustion Jay made sure to build his own mental map, the familiarity of the atmosphere helping calm his nerves. It wasn't Bagram, and it sure wasn't the twenty-first but a base was a base and already he was feeling more sure in his decision to come here, confident that this was what he needed. And confident that he could make these men follow him.

Men and women he noted as Mack brought him into their unit's breakroom, meeting the wary and in one instance outright displeased stares of the two women and four men waiting for them as calmly as he could, giving a low dip of his chin and ignoring that none of them returned it.

They had no reason to yet.

"Meet Jay Halstead, our new Sergeant." Mack said before he took a spot off to the side, close enough that he felt he was giving him a mild endorsement but not so much to say he'd made up his mind on him. "You got Nico and Raul, both Bolivian Air Force, Micky the Marine, Lottie and Ollie, both jarheads and Logan, a SEAL like me. Halstead was in the Rangers and then an intelligence taskforce in Chicago."

Jay looked each of them over as they were pointed out, still returning their short and in one case non-existent nods with a deep one of his own.

Nico and Raul seemed the most relaxed, probably because they were on home turf, Nico looking him over with a sly smirk and an even more mischievous gaze, the opposite of Raul who seemed not just quiet but solemn, the one to watch out for in the shadows. The exact opposite of Micky who was even bigger than Mack, and giving him a wolfish grin, neither annoyed nor approving but despite his laid-back attitude Jay could sense the fortitude beneath- the conviction of the Marine motto, Always Faithful. Similar to Always Courageous, one of the unofficial mottos of the Navy and which Lottie, short for Charlotte he was pretty sure and Ollie, likely short for Oliver also seemed to exude, the same quiet confidence he'd once noted in Ethan Choi. Those three all seemed wary but interested in him, no hard opinions either way, unlike their final teammate.

Logan.

Technically SEALS were part of the Navy too, a lot of squids out of water, and a difficult bond for him to break into. And one Logan did not seem to want him to.

The man was just shy of outright glaring him, with an anger that went a lot deeper than disliking a temporary leader; the commander he'd spoken to after Nolan had gotten him the job, a Major Baxter, had told him that this teams previous commander had been killed in the field and based on the way Logan was looking at him they'd been close. The question was, was he just angry because he'd lost a friend and would dislike anyone who took his place? Or had he wanted to take it himself?

And how was he going to handle someone else being in the role?

"How long are you here?"

Jay quickly directed his attention to Lottie, holding her stormy stare as calmly as he could. "My contract is for eight months- after that I'll see where we all are and reassess."

Once again the deadline made his finger twitch, that black band he'd once been so excited to pick out now a weight, the infinity symbol etched on the side a cage, two comparisons that made him hate himself. And an action he didn't do well at hiding based on Logan's quiet snort and mumbled comment to Ollie whose response was unreadable.

"You got something you want to say or are you the kind of man who only talks big behind people's backs?"

Judging by Nico's laugh that got her approval but Logan's stare darkened, until it lit up with the challenge and he swung around to face him fully. "I said ten bucks he's running from his wife."

The already quiet room got silent fast, everyone waiting to see how he responded and to judge him accordingly. He knew they all noted the rage that immediately came over him and though it took a lot of effort Jay kept his breaths even and his fists unclenched, taking a moment to think before he lifted his chin and took two steps toward the other man.

"I came here to make peace with the civilian I murdered to protect a former serviceman." He said lowly, taking satisfaction from their shock; it probably wasn't the wisest thing to share on his first day but it was unlikely they'd say anything, not for his sake but for the unnamed serviceman every one of them felt a connection to, just by virtue of being one themselves.

Plus he'd meant what he'd said, even if it had only been to himself.

No more secrets.

"You can think what you want of me but for the next eight months you will respect me. And if you talk about my wife again I will lay you out."

Now everyone looked to Logan, the man straightening even as his jaw ticked, letting out a long breath before he snorted again. "Just don't get any of us killed searching for your absolution."

It was easier to demand respect than to get it but over the next six hours Jay thought he made a pretty good start. With everyone but Logan anyway but that was fine. They had time and he didn't need the other man to like him, just to listen to him in the field. He was kind of surprised he listened during all the drills he ran them through, wanting to get an idea of who he'd be working with, what their strengths and weaknesses were, realizing quickly there weren't many of the latter; they were skilled and cohesive, with a clear and deep understanding of each of their limitations as well as how to counter them. His hardest task was going to be integrating himself, something that was made more difficult when he wasn't down on the ground with them. As Sergeant he had to watch from the side, necessary to learn what he had to but it only deepened the divide, not to mention it made him feel like a fraud. Jay knew he wasn't, it just…

It had been a long time since he'd been in this position. In the Rangers command had come naturally, first as a squad leader and then a platoon commander but after the attack that had taken so many of his men, a team that had been as strong as this one…

It had taken a long time to accept that it hadn't been his fault, that it had just been war and they'd just been unlucky but what he had known immediately was that he was scared to do it again. In Intelligence he'd been friends with his teammates but he hadn't taken on the same mentorship role, hadn't let any of them in except his partners which had always turned out great. But even while he'd held that line his need to be in the know had kept him consistently butting heads with Voight, not just because the other man's convictions sometimes went very much against his own but because deep down he wanted to be the one making the call. That Hank had wanted him to take over their unit was the highest compliment and the past couple years he'd been slowly preparing himself for it, trying to work with him to find their common ground, which they'd finally been able to do after dealing with North together, after he'd finally demanded the respect he'd needed for so long. Finding that peace meant more than he'd ever be able to express but he'd taken it too far. He loved Voight, respected him as a leader and knew that despite the bad he did he was good for the city and that had made Jay want to be like him.

But like he had always told him, he wasn't.

Jay had to be his own man, find his own way to lead and the only way he knew to do that was to go back to his beginnings.

Back to basics.

And guilty as he felt about leaving every minute he felt better about coming. Mentally anyway because this altitude sickness was kicking his ass, another reason he held back though that at least they understood; they'd all been through it themselves and all, minus Logan, assured him it would only last a few days. They actually cautioned him against doing too much and after realizing how exhausted he was after just three hours of watching them train and three of getting caught up on their current missions he realized it wasn't just a way to get rid of the new guy. He was struggling to catch his breath and his head had a persistent and growing throb at the back, and front, and sides, so much he only lasted another couple hours after he sent them off to enjoy their evening, and so he could go over their past operations by himself before he had to stop, his eyes literally burning. Thankfully Ollie was still in the breakroom when he stumbled back in because he had no idea where he was supposed to bunk, though that quickly provided another dilemma.

There were two room he could take, one at the back of the building and one at the front. That was the one he wanted to take, his instinct to be the first line of defense regardless of how unlikely an attack on base was but the tightening of Ollie's mouth had him hesitating and after a long look and a quiet request for honesty he'd learned that had been the very reason their old Sergeant had chosen it.

Henry Winters.

Jay took several long, silent minutes to take in the other man's space before he even put his bag down, not though he'd be unpacking tonight. All his stuff had already been removed but he swore he could feel his presence, or maybe that was because everything Ollie had told him was still swirling around in his head. Henry had been a good man, quick to laugh and slow to anger, first one in and last one out, smart, dedicated and noble. Sacrificial. He'd died just three weeks ago providing cover for the others to escape on an operation that had gone south, forced to knock Logan out when his friend refused to leave his side. Jay had the feeling that no matter what he did Logan was going to find issue with it and he understood that but he hoped the others would see him moving in here for what it was, not an attempt to replace but to honour, and not just Henry but them too. A team that deserved better than someone who wasn't willing to give them his all.

With a heavy sigh that turned into a groan as a wave of dizziness hit him he finally took a seat on the bed, which quickly turned into laying down, the air warm enough with the open window that he didn't even need to bother getting under the blankets. He should take his shoes off though. Just… in a minute. That turned into several, the exhaustion of the last forty-eight hours tugging at him until the buzz of his phone had him blindly pulling it from his pocket, blankly staring at it until he made sense of the picture on the screen.

A blueberry.

Tess was calling him.

Tess Danvers. He hadn't seen her since his fathers funeral, and before that he hadn't seen her since Phil Rodiger had killed his pedophile son Lonnie but despite the lack of visits that had once meant so much to him in the decade before that she'd still stayed in touch, via Kit-Kats in the mail and semi-regular emails, as much as she was able given how busy she was. Jay never knew much about what was going on with her, only what she told him and he wondered how truthful she was because the one thing he did know was how much she valued her independence. To a fault. But she'd told him when she left the agency, not the retirement either of them had once hoped for but also not really a retirement because only Tess could have gotten the authorization of fifty-eight heads of state allowing her to operate within and on behalf of their nations. And considering there were over two hundred countries personally he thought that number was a little small. And when he'd said so all she'd said was that she tried to keep a low profile.

Tess fucking Danvers.

Of course she would be calling. Having been the one to suggest he start wearing blue she might be the one most surprised by his choice to go back to green.

Realizing he was still staring at the screen he quickly accepted the call, unsurprised to find his breath was already coming easier.

"Hey soldier." She said wryly, the hint of a smile in her voice bringing one to his lips.

"Hey Tess."

"How was your first day?"

Long. Painful. Exhausting.

"I liked it." He answered roughly, letting his head fall back into the familiarly thin pillow, his tight grip on the phone mirroring the pressure he felt in his other hand. "I'm running."

"I know. But you're running to yourself."

"I'm hurting her."

"And I hope one day she smacks you across the face for it." She said smartly and he couldn't help but snort, even as his whole body began to ache with that weight. "But she hurt you too. And it is past time that you put all the attention and care you give to others on yourself."

His next breath came harder, a truth he wanted to accept but was buried beneath a year of denial.

You don't know the woman you're sleeping next to.

He hated that Voight had been right about that.

Punching him had been really satisfying but Jay knew he hadn't said it as a condemnation. And he'd been right. There were things about Hailey he hadn't known, things he hadn't wanted to.

It had started with Darius Walker. He knew what it was like to lose a CI and she'd come up with Cameron so it was even more personal but she'd known what she was doing, going around asking all those questions. She'd known it was going to get him killed and she hadn't seemed to care. And then she'd kept doing it. Kept getting closer to Voight, trying to be like him but their lines had already been a lot closer and then Roy Walton had taken Kim… Jay didn't know what had made Hailey change her mind that night, she'd told him she wasn't even entirely sure, just that in that moment it had become clear to her that wasn't who she wanted to be. And he loved her for that but…

But that was her choice. She had her convictions and he wanted her to hold to them, would do anything he could to help her but she couldn't dictate his. He had been so confused when she hadn't wanted him to help Voight and Anna, when she'd argued with him in the garage that Voight, their Sergeant wasn't worth it. Not in those words but that was the implication. And she hadn't understood why Jay had wanted to be there for him afterwards, the man who'd been a father figure to him for the last decade. But the problems in their relationship didn't come down to Voight.

It came down to them.

Jay loved Hailey but both of them had always been bad at letting the other in. If they hadn't been paired up they probably never would've gotten close they were both so reserved but the job necessitated a certain bond, gave them a way to be intimate without the fear of rejection, the other reason it had taken them so long to cross that line. And he was glad they had. Getting to see that soft side of her, to see her open up and be vulnerable had been beautiful and he was honoured Hailey had trusted him enough to let him in but if he was really being honest… getting married had been a mistake. For the reasons she'd asked, for the reasons he'd rushed them to the courthouse… he should have waited. Should have taken the time to put the work into strengthening their relationship, strengthening himself because in the end they'd both started to drown.

And this time he could only save one of them.

"I know."

"Good."

"Where are you?"

"Alexandria." She said with another smile and again his own grew.

Hailey… she was a real love but… in the way that Erin had been. Another woman he'd wanted to use marriage to try and save. But if there was a love of his life…

That had to be the woman who'd been in it the longest.

"You coming this way anytime soon?"

"I'm going to let you settle in, put your own stamp on the place. But I do have some contacts that'll give you a hand if you ever need."

Of course she did.

"Thanks Tess."

"To whatever end Ranger."