LONG CHAPTER FOR YOU EPIC PEOPLE WHO FAVORITED, FOLLOWED, and REVIEWED EVERY CHAPTER! YOU GUYS ROCK!
WARNING: SPOILERS: THIS CHAPTER FEATURES LAME JOKES, BURNING OF INNOCENT HOBBITS, LARGE FISH, MORE LAME JOKES, WHEELBARROWS, CONTAGIOUS YAWNING AND EVEN MORE LAME JOKES. You have been sufficiently warned.
Sapphire:
I yawned and stretched, stumbling over to the hobbits.
"Good morning," I said, opening my backpack and noticing that the lembas bread that had been rationed to me had disappeared. I thought about lembas bread, and a piece wrapped in a leaf appeared. Man, this thing was so cool. I sneakily poked a hole in my lembas bread, hid my phone behind it with the camera lined up with the hole, and proceeded to tell Merry and Pippin a joke. I couldn't resist getting a good photo of them laughing, they were so cute when they found something amusing.
"Hey, you want to hear a joke?"
"Ooh, you know jokes?" Merry asked eagerly, and they hurried over and sat by my feet. The others watched in slight amusement as the two hobbits sat down with their backs to the small fire Aragorn was stoking. They were sitting awfully close to the edge of the fire with their flappy cloaks... It worried me... I decided not to say anything though, I would just sound like I trying to be their mother. Legolas sat down on a fallen tree and Gimli leaned against it and smoked. Boromir was polishing his shield for like, the thousandth time this week.
"Sure I know jokes, though...they ARE pretty bad..." I admitted.
"Bad as in ridiculously foolish? Or bad as in dark and not appropriate for young hobbit ears?" Boromir said, looking up from polishing his shield.
I snorted, "Both."
"Tell us one! Don't worry, we've heard some pretty terrible jokes from Frodo before."
Frodo gasped playfully, "Why, I never! Terrible jokes? From me?"
"Well, where to begin? Hmm..." I muttered, and then my eyes lit up and I leaned forward to whisper in their ears, "How about we start off with some dark jokes to aggravate Boromir!"
"Alright." Merry said, grinning mischievously.
"Let's do it," whispered Pippin excitedly, eyes sparkling with malicious delight. These hobbits man... Too cute... We sat back up, Boromir staring at us suspiciously, wondering why we were whispering. Legolas said something in Elvish to Aragorn, and the Ranger quirked his eyebrows in amusement as he rolled up his bedroll and tucked it into his pack.
"Why didn't the ghost go to the party?" I asked loudly.
"How could a ghost go to a..." Gimli started, but the hobbits caught on quickly.
"Why?" Merry asked.
"Because he didn't have any-body to dance with!" I said and snorted at my own joke.
The hobbits laughed and I could have sworn I saw Aragorn's mouth twitch.
"Where on earth did you learn that joke lass? Quite a nice little play on words." Gimli grinned.
"Uh...Where I come from, that was not a very good joke, really, I've heard much better," I laughed.
"Tell us another one!" Merry and Pippin demanded, scooting closer to my legs.
"Well, this one's similar to the last, but I'll give it a shot anyway."
I mentally changed the joke to be funnier for this time period and asked, "Why didn't the skeleton fight in the great battle?"
"Why?" Pippin demanded.
"Because he didn't have the guts!" I cried and the hobbits cackled.
"Your jokes are slightly disturbing, but laughable nonetheless. Go on, tell us another one," Boromir said, and I nearly fainted. Just kidding of course, but he was being unusually polite. I guess he was just in a good mood this morning. That was a nice change.
I thought for a moment about what jokes would be middle-earth appropriate and decided on the old classic about food.
"Why did the tomato blush?" I prompted, and this time it was Legolas who asked "Why?"
"Because he saw the salad dressing!" I said, and this time all four hobbits started giggling. Aragorn actually snorted, shaking his head at the ridiculous joke, and a rare smile crossed Legolas's face. Wow. He was so gorgeous when he smiled. I found myself staring, and looked away quickly before he noticed.
"We need to get moving," Aragorn decided, and I stood, going to stuff my bedroll in my magical backpack. Then something terrible happened, as if in slow motion. The two hobbits stood from where they had been sitting at my feet. Merry turned to go help Frodo roll up his bedroll, since he had already done so, and Pippin turned in the opposite direction to pack his bedroll. They had a head on collision, bonking foreheads, and they both stumbled away from each other dazed. To my horror, Pippin stumbled to the right, tripped over a tree root and fell...straight into the fire. Sparks and flaming sticks went everywhere, and Pippin screamed, pushing himself out of the fire and to his feet. His cloak and his pants were on fire, though his hair hadn't been touched as he had fallen over the fire. Everyone cried his name in shock and he raced down to the shore towards the river. Assessing the situation and noting that he would have to run through tall dry grass to get onto the rocky shore and to the water, I screamed, "PIPPIN NO! STOP DROP AND ROLL!"
Thankfully, he did exactly that, rolling down a short slope and into a tree in a tangle of hobbit limbs and burnt elvish cloak.
I rushed over before anyone else could, "Pippin, are you okay?!"
"I...I don't think so Sapphire," he whimpered. "My right leg hurts really bad."
The others watched nervously as Aragorn cut away his blackened pants leg to expose slightly reddened skin. There was a nasty bruise where his leg had hit the logs, and I decided that must be what was causing him pain, since he hardly was burned. I remember dropping a pot of hot water on my foot once while attempting to cook, and my foot was as red as a tomato and impossible to walk on for three days afterwards.
Aragorn came to the same conclusion a moment later, pressing gently around the bruise, then standing.
"You are not injured other than some slight bruising, however I suggest you be more careful around fires from now on Master Peregrin," he said, walking over to his pack and pulling out a tiny jar of white stuff. He rubbed a thick coating over Pippin's leg, and Pippin sighed in relief. Then he did a quick stitch-up of Pippin's pants (that guy could sew man...) and helped the hobbit to his feet. Pippin grimaced and hobbled toward the boats.
" Not until afterward did I realize he would have to pass through dry grass to reach the water. You have good foresight my Lady." Legolas remarked to me quietly, heading for the boat with Gimli.
I grinned in response, and shouldered my empty backpack. Another day rowing, and my arms were already killing me. Yippee.
I spent the time telling various jokes to Merry and Pippin. In return, they told me of all their various exploits and adventures in the shire.
"So, one Friday (he said it more like Fry-Day), we were out fishing on the Brandywine, and Pippin got the biggest fish you'd ever seen."
"Doubtful, " I said. I had seen some ridiculously large fish in my lifetime.
"It was as big as me!" Pippin protested.
"But you're not that big!" I giggled, ruffling his hair. Pippin huffed and Merry continued the story, "So we tried to carry this prize fish but he kept flopping and hitting us in the face with his tail and we kept dropping him because he was very slippery and heavy. We got only a little ways from the water when we gave up and went home to get a wagon to carry him in. But when we came back, the fish was gone!"
"What?! It just got up and walked away?" I laughed.
"Sure seemed like it, because there was a trail that led off the road. At first it seemed certain that someone else with a wagon had swiped our prize fish, but it seemed that whatever had taken him had dragged him into the forest. We were angry and followed the trail of water through the forest to get back our fish. We ended up losing the trail and getting very lost. We kept trying to find the trail, and we were so intent on looking for it,"
"That we weren't paying attention to our surroundings!" Pippin said, taking over the story, "We heard a growl and looked up, and there, right in front of us, was a giant bear starting in on OUR fish! I did what my mama always told me to do, and raised my arms up like this!" he raised his arms up in an attempt to look menacing.
"And I roared at that bear!" he cried, roaring and then giggling. "And that bear, he dropped the fish and took off running! We finally found our way out of the forest, but sadly, our fish was only two ounces lighter than the record catch from the Brandywine," Pippin finished the story. "We had fish for a long time after that," Merry commented and I grinned, "My grandpa once had a run in with a bear. After that, he always told me, "If you see a bear Sapphire, you gotta be the bigger bear!"
"Be the bigger bear. I like it!" Merry smiled up and me, and I had the urge to hug the adorable hobbit.
"So, you want to hear another joke?" I asked. They nodded eagerly and I decided to tell them a terrible joke. About Middle Earth. A meme I turned into a joke. It didn't really work since it wasn't nearly as funny being told out loud, but I decided it would still be worth a shot.
"Okay, so what do you have if you have one door?" I asked.
"Uh...What?" Pippin asked.
"A door," I said, completely serious. They stared and Pippin said, "I don't get it."
"What do you have if you add another door to that door?"
"What?" Merry asked, and I said completely seriously, "Mordor."
"I still don't get it..." Pippin said, and yelped as Merry whacked him upside the head, "It's where we're going you numskull!"
"Oh," Pippin said. "Did you have to hit me?"
I cleared my throat to get their attention and finished the joke, "And what do you have if both of those doors suddenly vanish?"
"What?"
"Gondor." I said, and Merry laughed, "That's where Boromir lives!"
My thoughts darkened when he mentioned Boromir. The man's death was only a couple days away. It was scary, looking at him and wishing I could save him. I couldn't keep thinking this way or I would end up saving him, only to kill everyone because Faramir took the ring to Denethor. I would, however, save Haldir and Théoden. Their deaths had no effect on the storyline except for making a lot of people sad and giving Éowyn the huge task of ruling Rohan.
I was completely out of jokes for the time being...Well...except for one...
"Well, I would tell you another Fellowship joke, but all the good ones Aragorn."
The hobbits giggled again, and then they broke into the tale of how they accidently ran into Sam's garden while running away from an angry Farmer Maggot and tripped the gardener hobbit, who fell headfirst in a large wheelbarrow full of soil."
"And his legs were flying around so much that he kicked Pippin in the head twice while we were trying to pull him out!" Merry said enthusiastically.
That night, they insisted that I tell the others the Fellowship jokes, thinking that I had made them up.
"They're good, really!" Pippin insisted, shoving me into the ring of resting people watching the sun go down.
"These sausages are good!" Gimli said with a grin, chomping on a sizzling sausage fresh off the fire (which Aragorn was keeping Pippin far away from), "I don't know where that hobbit learned how to cook, but he makes some excellent sausage. If only we had salted pork!"
Merry bounded up beside me and announced to the small group resting about on rocks and logs, "Sapphire has some jokes she made herself she wants to tell you!"
"Merry, really? I did not.."
"They're about the fellowship!"
"Um..." I said, and Boromir chuckled at how uncomfortable I was. Aragorn just grinned and took another puff of his pipe. I resisted the urge to tell him how bad smoking was for his lungs.
"Go ahead, tell us lass. No need to be ashamed," Gimli grunted, smoking as well.
"I'm not ashamed, they're not MY jokes..." I said.
"How could they not be yours?" Pippin asked confusedly, and I backtracked,"Well, the second one is, but not the first."
"Oh. I suppose that makes sense," Merry said.
" Alright, I suppose they'll never give me a moment's peace until I tell you the joke. Just, be warned, it's the dumbest thing you'll possibly ever hear."
I sighed, "So, what do you have if you have a door?"
They looked at me confused, and then Legolas walked up, "I believe she is waiting for you to ask 'what'"
Great. My humiliation was complete. Now I could make a fool of myself in front of Legolas.
"What?" Gimli grunted.
"A door." I sighed, and Aragorn frowned.
"Alright, so what do you have if you add another door to that door?"
There was silence, and then, to my utter shock, Frodo said slowly, "Well, I suppose you would have Mordor."
I gasped, and then cracked up laughing. Frodo was a smart cookie all right!
"And what do you have if those doors suddenly disappear?!" I asked, and this time, catching on, Boromir threw back his head and let out a guaff, "Gondor!"
"Exactly!" I laughed, and sat down on a log, and knowing the hobbits wouldn't forget there were two jokes, blurted out, "And I would tell you another Fellowship joke, but all the good ones Aragorn."
Aragorn shook his head, chuckling at the sheer stupidity of the jokes, and I grinned and tried to send a message, "The hobbits made me!"
"You surely are strange lass. I will never understand your way of speech." Gimli said with another puff at his pipe.
"Well, I'm going to turn in for the night. See you in the morning," I yawned exaggeratedly. And some proof that yawns are indeed contagious: Every member of the Fellowship except for Legolas yawned as well.