Chapter 5
I wake up in the middle of the night with the same nightmare as the last.
"Choose!"
I throw myself up, gasping for as much air as my lungs can get. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel helpless. Huxley reaches across from her cot and grabs my arm.
"What's wrong?" She is now completely awake.
I flail my hand against my chest.
"Calah, what's wrong?" Huxley presses.
River gets out of her bed and turns on the lights.
"I, I can't" I pause trying to catch my breath. "Can't breathe." Huxley's eyes grow wide.
"It's just a panic attack. You've gotten them before. You used to get them all the time when you were a kid, right? Just calm down." I force a laugh at her.
Just calm down? If I could calm down, then it wouldn't really be a panic attack.
"Alright. Then focus on training tomorrow. That Henry guy will be there, the cute erudite I saw you looking at. Or focus on my final grades from school. Those were a joke. Oooooh dauntless cake." Huxley rambles. I'm not really sure how her thought processes work.
But, it seems to help me. I feel myself start to cool off a bit.
"Are you okay" River asks staring at me, along with the rest of the girls in the dorm.
I realize that my hand is still clutching my chest, and I am still panting.
"Yea, uh, thanks. Sorry that I woke you all up. I'm fine, go back to bed" I insist releasing my hand from my shirt.
River gives me a small smile and goes back to sleep. Once everyone else has dozed off, I sneak out of the dorm. I don't like wandering around the compound in the middle of the night, but I feel like I need time to think before I have another nightmare. I walk along the paths inside the pit, but I can't bring myself to go anywhere near the chasm. I know that it will be in my fear landscape. I will dread every minute of it.
Just as last night, I fall back into bed around three in the morning. I am thankful that Huxley didn't wake up while I was gone. I am sure that I will tell her about my divergence someday, because it is undoubtedly causing my nightmares. But, I have no intention of doing it right now.
"So what was up with that panic attack last night? What happened?" Huxley asks me at breakfast.
I pick at my eggs and bacon, attempting to avoid the question.
"What panic attack?" Henry asks innocently, sitting down across from us. I am still avoiding the question.
Huxley answers for me. "She woke up at like one in the morning freaking out." Yea, thanks Huxley. I wanted him to know that I freaked out on my first night of initiation.
Henry looks intrigued. It must be the erudite left in him.
"That is interesting. There are various causes for them though" he continues. "It can often be biological or it can be passed down in the family." Huxley interrupts him.
"I know her family. It's not the problem." Huxley seems more interested now.
"Okay. Well it can also be from a fear or phobia, or a stressful event, or" I stop him.
"It was a nightmare. It happened the night before last night too, and I just really can't talk about it. Sorry."
Huxley gives me one of those 'I will find out eventually' looks, and Henry just looks curious.
"Hey, shouldn't we get down to the training room. I mean, the trainers seem nice enough, but if we are late…" henry trails off, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Uh, yea, let's go" I say with a half-smile. I really don't like hiding things- my nightmares, test results, who my parents are. I will just have to deal with it. I knew that I would when I chose dauntless.
"Welcome, initiates" my mother yells getting our attention.
When we are all focused, my father starts to explain the process of initiation to us. "There are three stages of initiation. The first is primarily physical, the second emotional, and the third mental. These stages are not all weighed equally though. Today, we will start stage one with learning how to shoot a gun" he says as my mother picks one up.
She seems to assess the gun in her hands for a moment before taking her stance. Ready. Aim. Fire.
The bullet hits dead center. Some of the initiates make impressed noises, while others like Brian just scoff.
"What does this prove anyways? Obviously, when we make it into dauntless, there will be more training for things like this. This is the first time for most of us to even be touching a gun. Others will have an unfair advantage" Brian says motioning towards all of the dauntless-born.
My father takes this opportunity to move closer to him. "If you are afraid of your abilities, then maybe you shouldn't be in dauntless. If you feel like it's not worth it, then you can leave now and not waste my time."
Brian shuts up immediately. For being so cocky, he really is a coward.
My father returns to his spot in front of the entire group. "As for the rest of you who might have been wondering, we do take into consideration that the dauntless-born have fought and used weapons before. But no one will be able to prepare for stage two and three." He pauses and looks at Mom. He is probably wondering if she has anything to add to the discussion.
"Grab a gun and go to a target" she finishes for him.
I was honestly pretty excited about getting to shoot. My parents used to take me to the training rooms to practice after school. I set myself up. I press my finger to the trigger, and the first round hits dead center, just like my mom's had. I can feel them smiling at me.
"Nice shot" Henry whispers from the target next to me. I smile at him, and I can feel the heat rise in my cheeks again. On my other side, Huxley shoots off six rounds, all hitting the center or close to the center. She beams as she examines her target.
I was surprised to see that River was the first transfer to hit the center of her target. Henry was the next. "Nice shot" I tell him. This time, he is the one to blush.
I knew that it was sort of mean, but it made me feel better that Brian let off four rounds before even grazing the edge. It looked like my parents had noticed too, because my father was smirking at him. No wonder why he didn't want today to count.
"Okay! Go to lunch. You have an hour!" My father dismisses us.
Everyone else starts to file out of the room, including Henry and Huxley.
"You guys go ahead. I have to ask a question about my shooting stance" I fib.
Henry nods, and Huxley gives me a pointed look. She knows that it was a total lie. But, come on. I can't see my parents every day and not talk to them.
When everyone is gone, I hop up on the table with all of the guns.
"Your shooting was great today" my father says smiling. "Must have had an amazing teacher."
I laugh. My father has never really been too subtle.
"So, have you made any friends yet?" My mother asks me. She has always been pretty considerate about things like that. They both have.
"Aside from Huxley? Well River, the amity, and Henry, the nice erudite." I almost whisper the thing about Henry. I don't know why though. I can feel my face heat up as I think about him.
"Oh. You like him don't you?" My mother asks smiling. My father on the other hand, is far from smiling.
I'm not entirely sure if I like him or not. There's definitely something about the way I've been acting, but it's only the first day of training. It could be stupid to even consider a relationship right now.
"What?" pssssh "No. Henry and I are, I guess, becoming friends" I could never be candor. I lie too often. But not very easily. And it's never convincible. Before they can say anything, I interject.
"Alright, I better eat lunch. I will see you for knife throwing" I say practically running out of the room.