Perry relaxed in the hot water, trying not to accidentally fall asleep.
It had been an exhausting afternoon. Not only had Palmer glued a plastic cow to the toilet, but Pamela had somehow gotten into the laundry room and dumped two full bottles of detergent down the sink. Then the twins had turned the water on full-force and filled the kitchen with bubbles.
The instant Poppy came to pick up her pups, Perry drove himself down to the O.W.C.A resort and spa. Technically, he wasn't supposed to be there. It was reserved for agents who didn't have homes and agents with special privileges. But Perry was friends with Sven the seagull, who worked at the front desk. Sven had given him his own private room in the resort without Monogram's knowledge.
Perry was grateful for it. Soaking in a hot tub really helped him de-stress.
His phone rang across the room. Too lazy to get up, dry off and answer it, Perry only sank himself deeper into the water.
The answering machine picked up. "Hey, Perry. It's Phineas. Where are you?"
Perry jumped out of the hot tub and grabbed his phone. "Right here. Hey."
"Where's here?"
"I'm at the agency's resort. Sorry. I forgot to call."
"Why are you there?"
"Had to watch my kids this morning. It really took a lot out of me."
"Oh. Are you coming home soon?"
"Tonight. Just let me dry off. By the way, if you ever get a chance to install a hot tub in the bathroom, do it."
"Good idea! Ferb and I will draw up some plans. So you've been soaking all afternoon?"
"Pretty much. Also had a massage. Oh, and did I tell you? The beds here are REALLY soft. They're like sleeping on marshmallows. Without the stickyness."
"Ferb and I are gonna stay up all night watching Space Adventure movies. And we have marshmallows!"
"Aw, fun! You two won't be terribly offended if I come home a little late tonight, right? I need a nap. And like I said, the beds here…"
"No, we won't. Have fun!"
"Oh, Geraldine… I've always loved you!"
"You never did, Marcus. Anyway, I hate you."
"Say it isn't so, Geraldine! Say it isn't SO! Oh, I hate you!"
Perry grabbed another tissue from the bedside table and blew his nose. He loved soap operas. But they always made him cry.
"I hate your LOVE, Marcus!"
"Geraldine! I love you! Why do you hate me?"
"Marcus, I love you so much. I can't explain… maybe we shouldn't be together."
"But Geraldine…"
Perry burst into tears.
His phone rang. He picked it up and paused his show.
"Hello?" He wiped his eyes.
"Perry, have you been crying?" Pinky the Chihuahua asked.
"No." Perry lied.
"You sound like you've been crying."
"Why did you call?"
"Just wanted to see how you were doing. Does your arm feel any better?"
"Yeah. I don't even need the cast anymore, actually. I hope Monogram takes it off soon."
"Huh. Well, anyway, I'm having this party-"
"Next subject."
"…and it's at this hotel. It really won't be the same without you."
"Pinky, I hate parties."
"I know. But it's better than sitting around watching soap operas all night."
"I enjoy soap operas." Perry grumbled.
"Let me know when you can come back into work." Pinky said. "We all really miss you."
"Oh, I can. I just choose not to. My arm's not that bad, really. Gotta go. I'm in the middle of my show."
"Attach the red wire to the green wire." Perry chattered.
"You know, I'm glad you're helping me fix my dishwasher." Doofenshmirtz said. "I haven't seen you in a while. It's been kind of… well, not lonely. Because why would I be lonely for someone I can't stand? But… it's been kind of SOMETHING."
"Red wire, green wire." Perry said.
Doofenshmirtz plugged the red wire into the blue wire. "I heard about your arm. A bunny twisted it or something. How on earth did you get beat up by a bunny?"
Perry jammed his translatorinator into his mouth. "ATTACH THE STUPID RED WIRE TO THE GREEN WIRE."
"Oh! THAT'S why it wasn't working." Doofenshmirtz reattached the wires. "You know, you should use that translator more often. You have a nice voice."
"It's the same voice. It's just speakin' English." Perry tightened a pipe and jumped back. "Ow!"
"What?" Doofenshmirtz asked.
Perry made sad eyes. "I got a boo-boo on my finger."
Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes. "Well, get over it and get the machine running again."
"I can't. I have a boo-boo. It won't feel better unless someone kisses it. Kisses make boo-boos better."
"I'm not kissing your stupid boo-boo, Perry the platypus."
"You hurt my boo-boo's feelings."
"Scratch what I said earlier about you wearing the translator. I think it's better when I do all the talking."
"Would you just kiss it?"
Doofenshmirtz kissed the boo-boo.
"Ew." Perry mumbled. "You got your saliva on me. Now I have to go sanitize my finger."
"You told me to kiss it!"
"So just detach the self-destruct button and your washer should work." Perry said. He took the translatorinator out and stuck it in his pocket.
Perry made a mad dash for the refrigerator and changed his course at the last second, his claws making scrambling noises against the tile.
"Mom!" Candace shouted. "Perry's going crazy!"
Perry ran for the living room.
"It's the rain." Linda called back to her daughter.
"Yeah." Phineas said, sitting on the sofa. "Rain makes animals go berserk. They sense the air pressure."
Perry jumped onto the couch and over Phineas. He tore up the stairs.
"Phineas, I told you to trim Perry's claws." Linda said. "The carpet has scratch marks."
"I'll do it later." Phineas said.
Perry burst through the door of Lawrence's study and ran in circles around Lawrence's chair.
"Oh, hello, Perry." Lawrence said, not looking up from his painting.
Ferb grabbed Perry from behind. Perry struggled to get away.
"It's coming!" Perry said.
"It's just rain." Ferb said. He carried Perry downstairs.
"Hey Ferb!" Phineas called. "Let's make milkshakes!"
Ferb rolled around on the floor, laughing hysterically. Phineas jumped on the couch. Perry jumped with him.
Candace entered the room. "What the… how many milkshakes did you guys drink?"
"Six each!" Phineas collapsed in a fit of giggles.
"No!" Ferb laughed. "I had… eight! Ha ha ha!"
"Ugh. Get your sugar rush away from me." Candace growled. She went upstairs.
"Hey Ferb, isn't it funny how 'sugar' is spelled S-U-G-A-R and not S-H-U-G-A-R?"
"Shugar." Ferb said.
Perry cracked up. "Shmugar."
"Shooger."
"Shuggar."
"Sugary sugar." Phineas said.
And then it was quiet.
Perry put his hands together so that they looked like a butterfly. He gently made the wings flap.
Phineas and Ferb watched him.
"Once upon a time, there was a flittering eagle." Perry said quietly. "And one day, the eagle lifted its head up… and it FLEW! And its head came off!"
All three of them burst into laughter.
"You're back!" Darren the duck shouted.
"Chill. I'm getting one of my notebooks." Perry searched his drawer. "I'll start working again when my arm's completely healed."
"Aw." Darren said. He started looking through the drawer as well. "What notebook?"
"The one I use for sketching."
"Why is there a pair of neon boxers in here?" Darren asked.
Perry grabbed them and jammed them in his pocket. "Those are private."
"Okay. And what about this cheesy romance tape?"
"I can find my notebook myself. You don't have to go snooping through my stuff." Perry snapped.
"Agent P?"
Perry and Darren looked behind them. Ernest the eagle was standing in the doorway, casting a rather large shadow.
Perry remembered the Flittering Eagle from the day before and allowed himself a little smile. "Yeah, Ernest?"
"Agent E." Ernest reminded him with a glare. "And are you forgetting your manners after being away from work for so long?"
Perry saluted him.
"That's better. Agent P, I need to have a word with you alone. Agent D, please leave the room."
Darren left, and Ernest closed the door. He stared Perry down. "Sit."
Perry sat in his chair.
"I'm sure you know of the head of the agency."
"And his head came off!" Perry said under his breath.
Ernest scowled.
"Sorry. Yes, I know the head. General Autograph. And his dog, Grover."
"Assistant General Grover." Ernest corrected. "General Autograph, as you may know, won't be around forever."
"I know. We're all gonna croak one day." Perry said.
Ernest closed his eyes. "Agent P."
"I mean… I am aware. We will all pass on eventually." Perry tried not to laugh.
"General Autograph not only created the agency, he has complete power. He decides where the animals are assigned, what food is served during lunch-"
"So he's responsible for taking away the Mexican food station."
"May I finish a sentence without being interrupted? He also decides how the agency is run, what animals can or cannot be recruited and manages training and how everyone will be paid. It is a huge responsibility and job." Ernest gave Perry a stern look. "He wants to pass his job on to an animal when he retires, one who is committed to the agency and who will be able to handle the responsibility. Monogram suggested, and the General chose, you."
Perry blinked. "What? …Oh, this is a joke, right?"
"Would I joke around?"
"Good point. Wow… why me?"
"You are the best agent in your field, and you are responsible. Monogram feels you will be able to hold the job down."
"…I…"
"It's not something to turn down or accept right away." Ernest said. "Think about it. You will have complete control over the agency. You will also be able to keep your host family, as Monogram knows how important that is to you. However, it may not be easy to visit them very often. And the job WILL be difficult. But this is an opportunity that will only come once." Ernest stiffened. "Frankly, I don't REALLY know why you are the one getting it."
"Wow. Um… I'm… honored… but…"
"Think about it." Ernest said again. "We aren't expecting you to decide immediately. Monogram will ask you later in the week." He turned and strode out of the room.
Perry felt a little dizzy. He slumped down in his chair.