A/N: Thanks for all the comments. This chapter is taking a serious turn into angst and some self-discovery Please bear with me and keep the comments coming.
Justin lay in his bed with Eric, rubbing his back in a soothing fashion and letting him cry into his shoulder. He couldn't make out most of what he was saying in Daphne's room but between sobs picked up the words, "mother", "cancer", and "dying" so he certainly got the gist. He had never seen him quite so distraught in their four years together but he certainly understood the devastation. As hard as losing a mother would be for anyone, Eric was raised as an only child by a single mother. Beth, Eric's mom, was young, just forty-four, and made her living as a teacher. The primary reason Eric had chosen teaching as his own career choice. Beth lost her own parent's while in college to a car accident shortly before giving birth to Eric; only to be abandoned shortly after by Eric's father, a man Eric had never met. From then on, it was just the two of them and Beth's entire life was devoted to her only son's happiness. They were exceedingly close. Justin was very fond of her as well.
"I'm sorry" Eric whispered, "I didn't have anyone else to talk to" he explained as he wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
Justin reached around to grab a tissue for Eric and reassured him, "Shh. It's okay. I'm glad you came here. Do you want to talk about it?"
Eric explained his mother had been seen five weeks ago and diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The tumor was inoperable and the cancer too advanced to be curable. She had one cycle of chemotherapy and couldn't tolerate the drug at all. They had been trying to get her on a clinical trial but the best case scenario was just a few additional months and that meant experimental chemotherapy that could have side effects worse than the cancer itself without any guarantee it even worked.
Apparently, Beth was in constant pain from metastasis in her bones and couldn't breathe well because of nodules in her lungs. Eric explained how powerless and inept he felt when he realized he couldn't take care of his mother at home and had her transferred to an inpatient hospice program two days ago. He hadn't left her side the entire time but today she didn't even know who he was, likely from cancer now infiltrating her brain. He sobbed as he admitted he couldn't stay at the hospice any longer to watch his mother wasting away before his very eyes. He looked at Justin with such sadness and pain that Justin's heart nearly broke in two thinking of him going through the last five weeks all alone. As confident as he was that there was no future for them as a couple, he did still love Eric. You don't spend four years with someone and just turn your heart off because it doesn't work out. Justin was at a loss for what to do so he relied upon what he knew worked for Eric. He kissed his forehead, held him tight to his chest and tried to offer him comforting platitudes.
"Justin" Eric moaned softly as he nuzzled his face into Justin's neck, "I've missed you" he continued "I've missed this. Being in your arms. I need you right now." He punctuated his confession with soft kisses along Justin's neck. "Please" he begged with sad, tear-filled eyes.
Justin knew what he was asking for and he couldn't deny him. He nodded, kissing Eric on the lips gently as if he might break him. Justin offered the comfort Eric was seeking and made love to him slowly with all the care he could muster, helping him forget his pain, just for a moment. Afterwards, Justin held a sleeping Eric against his chest and contemplated the consequences of his action. He knew he eventually needed to tell Eric about Brian but for now he just needed to get Eric through this even if it meant putting his own best interest aside.
Brian woke Friday morning with a morning hard-on that wouldn't go away on its own. He pulled his cell phone off the charger next to his bed and checked the time. It was just 5:15am. He took a picture of his cock and texted it to Justin asking if he had time for a morning quickie before going to work. After all, if Justin wanted debauchery, sexting seemed perfectly tame in the grand scheme of things. He waited until 5:30 before giving up on a response and hoped it was because he was still asleep and not because he wasn't interested. He took a shower, reluctantly solving his own issue, and dressed for the day. He checked his phone again about quarter after six disappointed at seeing no response. He texted Justin again to say he was on his way down and ask if he was ready to go.
Brian knocked gently on the door to Justin's place assuming Daphne might still be asleep. When the door opened, he was surprised to see a half-dressed stranger wearing only a pair of plaid boxers and rubbing the sleep from his eyes before him. Brian recognized Eric from the pictures in Justin's apartment although he recalled the man in the pictures being more attractive. He stared, speechless, for a brief minute trying to process the information available to him. Justin had taken him up on his ride offer this morning. He had rushed off last night because he had an early morning. Or had he rushed off because Eric was waiting in his bed?
"Can I help you?" Eric asked scratching his stomach and rubbing his head.
"I am, uh, here for Justin. He said he needed a ride." Brian clarified just to convey their relationship was completely transactional.
Eric nodded assuming Justin was part of a carpool. He knew Justin hated taking the bus to work, "He's still asleep. We had a late night. I don't think he was going in to work today; we have sort of a family emergency. Hold on, I'll wake him."
Brian stood there dumbstruck, "We" have a family emergency, since when are Justin and Eric a "we" again? "No, don't wake him. I have to run so I'll talk to him later." Brian spun and ran down the stairs contemplating what he might have missed in the few hours he had slept.
Eric made coffee and debated internally about what had just happened. He said he was Justin's ride but when he considered the visitor's reaction; he started to doubt his carpool assumption. "Shit" he muttered out loud walking to the bedroom. "Justin" he shook him gently, "Justin, I think I fucked up. Are you seeing someone?"
Justin woke up disoriented to hear Eric's voice and stretched himself a wake. It took him a few seconds to process what Eric had asked, "Huh? What?"
"This guy showed up to take you to work. Please tell me he's just a coworker and not someone you're dating."
"Fuck! Brian!" Justin said grabbing his watch and seeing the time and knowing that he would have left by now. He flopped into his bed realizing Brian would completely misconstrue Eric's answering his door.
"Do you have a new boyfriend already?" Eric asked puzzled.
"What? No, um, not really. It's not serious." Justin admitted, "What did he say?"
Eric explained the encounter and finally got to the root of the issue, "Jus, about last night…"
Justin shook him off, "…Don't worry about it. Brian and I are really just friends."
"No, listen. I can't thank you enough for being there for me. I really needed you but I don't think we should…."
"…Get back together?" Justin asked, finishing his thought. He always could read Eric like a book.
"Yeah" Eric confessed a bit uncomfortable, "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression."
"You didn't" Justin admitted, "I feel the same way. I still love you, care about you and your mom. I want to help you both, however I can, but I don't want to get back together either. I'm sorry I didn't say anything about Brian last night."
"No, it's fine really" Eric said sincerely. "I am just glad you still want to be friends and if it's not too much to ask, will you come with me to the hospital today? I don't think I can do it alone."
Justin nodded, "Yeah sure, just let me call work. I have my show tonight but it will only take a couple hours."
"Oh God! You have a show? I am such an ass, don't worry about me." Eric protested.
"No Eric, it's fine, really. I will go with you to the hospital and then have Daphne pick me up for my show and then she can bring me back to your place when I'm done. I will throw some stuff in a bag and stay with you as long as you need me."
Eric looked overwhelmed and guilty but nodded in agreement since he really had no one else to turn to for something like this. "You don't know what this means to me Jus. You're a life saver."
Justin packed a duffle bag with a week's worth of stuff and put his clothes for the show into a garment bag so they wouldn't get wrinkled. He showered, his mind racing with things he needed to do for work and with his students, figuring he would go ahead and take today and next week off so he could help Eric with his mom. He was still going through a mental checklist as he dried his hair when he realized he hadn't considered Brian at all. They had agreed to no jealous bullshit, no expectations, so he didn't think he really owed him any explanation but he didn't want him to have the wrong impression either. He was still hoping he would make it to the show tonight so he could explain the situation in person.
By the time he emerged from the shower ready to go, Eric had given Daphne a rundown on their plans and she was on her way out the door to work. She gave Justin a worried hug and a sincere offer of help if they needed anything.
Brian sat in his office trying unsuccessfully to distract himself both from his upcoming appointment and from his reaction to Justin's sleepover with the latest account he was hoping to close. He convinced himself that he didn't mind so much that Justin had gotten back together with his ex but his reaction this morning really bothered him. Jealousy was unchartered territory for Brian and he was terrified to examine what the unfamiliar emotion might mean.
By the afternoon, Brian was anxious for his appointment. He poured himself a shot of whiskey from the bottle he kept in his office and swallowed it in one gulp, hoping it might take the edge off. He placed the glass down and packed up his laptop and papers into his briefcase.
Brian's oncologist office was located in the medical office building connected to the UPMC Hillman Cancer Center. The same place he went daily for radiation after his surgery when he was treated for testicular cancer. He parked in the all too familiar adjacent garage and made his way through the sterile walkways to Dr. Agarwal's office. Dr. Agarwal was a trim, middle-aged, Indian man with a thick accent. Brian liked his office staff and he came highly recommended so it compensated for his lack of bedside manner. He definitely didn't mince words and didn't sugar coat reality, something Brian respected. He waited impatiently in the small reception area after checking in and giving his insurance information. The receptionist asked him to update his personal and medical history information while he waited. Brian ran through his old information and noticed his emergency contact and medical proxy information for Lindsay and Michael both contained their Pittsburgh addresses and phone numbers. He pulled out his phone and provided their Toronto contact information slightly depressed that his two closest friends, his only real support system, were both out of the country.
Brian was the only person in the waiting room when the nurse finally called his name. She took his vital signs and weight, remarking that his blood pressure was on the high side and he was running a slight fever. She checked his chart twice, asking if he realized he had lost ten pounds since his last visit and inquired as to if he had been trying to lose weight. Brian responded that he wasn't which seemed to concern the nurse. He was escorted into an exam room and instructed to change into a gown which Brian objected to since it was his neck that needed examining. The nurse apparently lacked any ability to deviate from her procedure and so Brian reluctantly complied rather than argue over it.
By the time Dr. Agarwal came into the exam room, Brian was a bundle of nerves. He was asked the reason for his visit and Brian showed the doctor the lump he was concerned about. The doctor examined him more thoroughly than Brian thought necessary, feeling not only his neck, but his armpits, abdomen and groin as well. He did a cursory check of his healthy testicle and artificial replacement while he was down there. He told Brian he could sit up and then asked some vague health questions.
Was he having fevers? Was he having night sweats? Was he having fatigue?
After Brian answered affirmatively with antidotes about waking up in the middle of the night to drenched sheets and being more tired than normal, the doctor instructed him to get dressed and join him in his office. Brian didn't take that was a good sign and began mentally preparing himself for bad news. He dressed in a hurry and was escorted into the cramped office; full of medical journals, large textbooks, and plastic models of various body parts strewn about.
Dr. Agarwal sat down with an ominous look on his face and Brian braced for the worst, "Brian, during your exam I felt several enlarged lymph nodes. The one in your neck that brought you in today and there is also one in your groin. We need to do some additional tests to confirm and we need to take a biopsy but with your history and symptoms, I am afraid it's quite likely you have a secondary cancer."
Brian swallowed hard, "Wait, are you saying my cancer is back? You can't remove my other testicle, I'd rather die." Brian explained, a wave of nausea washing over him as he considered the consequences of such a reality.
"No, your healthy testicle appears to be just fine. What I am saying is that you have a new cancer, not a recurrence of your testicular cancer. Based on my exam and your symptoms, it's likely a lymphoma but we will need the biopsy to be sure."
"What does that mean? More surgery? More radiation?" Brian's head was swimming with the thought of going through cancer treatments again. The last time had nearly killed him.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, I want to do a CT scan to see if there are other enlarged nodes that we can't feel in your chest, abdomen and pelvis. I also want to schedule you for a biopsy; soon, we will shoot for early next week. The node on your neck is fairly superficial so you won't need surgery with general anesthesia. We can get at it with a needle to take some cells and have the pathologist tell us what we are dealing with. Just like last time, we will send it out to Johns Hopkins to confirm the pathology findings. We might need additional test to stage the cancer completely. Once we know the pathology and the stage, then we can discuss treatment options."
Brian nodded and closed his eyes, "If it is lymphoma. Then what?"
"Brian, I don't want to scare you unnecessarily. Lymphoma is a complicated disease. We see dramatically different outcomes and use radically different treatments based on the type and staging but typically the treatment is longer than what you experienced before and will likely include some chemotherapy."
Brian nodded in understanding and met the doctor's concerned expression with his own look of panic.
"I tell you this now because I recall you did not have much support during your radiation treatments. You didn't want your family or friends to know. This will be different; you will need someone with you at your appointments. Make no mistake; if this is a lymphoma, you will need someone to help you."
Brian made it all the way through his doctor's pep talk, the scheduling of his biopsy, a nurse's instructions for his biopsy, and paying his copayment. He made it all the way back through the sterile walkway, down the elevator, and to his car before he started to feel anything other than numb. Sitting in his car, holding his keys limply in his arms that felt too heavy to lift, he caught a glimpse of himself in the rear view mirror. The numbness subsided and a wave of reality hit him like a ton of bricks. He cried because of his uncertain future and his wasted past. He cried because he was afraid to die. He cried because this time he knew exactly how bad it was going to get and how sick he was going to feel. He cried because he had a son he barely saw and best friends who had moved on without him. But most of all he cried because he was alone and, for the first time in thirty-five years of not needing anyone or anything, he knew he didn't want to be alone anymore. He did need someone and the thought of needing someone and not having anyone terrified him.
Brian made it home close to four having already decided he was in no shape to go to Justin's show. He sent a non-descript text to Justin that something came up, turned his phone off, pulled a pillow over his face and fell asleep.
Justin stood to stretch in the waiting room of the hospice unit Beth was in. He had been there almost all day and there was very little change in Beth's condition. He held Eric's hand as the doctor explained that his mother was likely disoriented from the pain medications and while it was possible the cancer had spread to her brain, there was no reason to put her through more tests to confirm since it neither changed her treatment nor her prognosis. Eric wept on and off throughout the day and Justin did his best to be a shoulder to cry on and to make sure Eric took care of his own needs; forcing him to eat and drink and nap while lying on Justin's chest periodically. It was getting close to the time he needed to leave for his show and Justin was already feeling selfish for leaving, even as Eric all but insisted he do so.
He had just changed when Daphne arrived to pick him up. He gave Eric a kiss and told him to call if he needed him. He walked with Daphne to her car, "You could have just texted me you were here" he said, feeling bad she had to walk in to find him.
"I tried" she said, "I think your phone died or something, it went straight to voice mail."
Justin pulled his phone and sighed in frustration, "I never turned the damn thing on this morning," Justin explained as he pushed the power button. A series of dings and vibrations signaled missed text message, calls and emails from today.
Justin smiles as he saw the picture Brian had sent him and wished he hadn't missed out but then he read his last text, "Shit! Brian's not coming tonight."
Daphne frowned, "Really, did he say why?"
Justin shook his head no, "Just that something came up. You think he has the wrong idea about Eric and me?"
"I don't think I even know what's going on with Eric and you. Did you get back together?"
"No" Justin explained, "but we kind of had sex last night."
"Really Justin, two guys in one night? Isn't that a bit slutty for you?" she mocked trying to lighten the mood.
"It wasn't exactly planned. I didn't know what else to do, you saw Eric; he was a mess."
Daphne just patted Justin's leg and assured him it would all work out. Justin wasn't so sure, there was something about being with Brian, despite what they agreed to, it seemed like more was there. He texted Brian back that he hoped everything was ok and left it at that.
Justin stood by his paintings for close to two hours struggling to stay in the moment. He wanted to be with Brian; he wanted to be with Eric, he didn't want to talk to cunty art critics who asked him to talk about his work. He did manage to sell a small painting and got a few cards to follow up on for possible agents by the end of the night so the night wasn't a total bust but it was a far cry of what he hoped would have been accomplish that evening. He felt defeated and drained as he climbed into Daphne's car at the end of the evening.
"Where to?" she asked.
"I guess to Eric's. I told him I would stay with him for awhile."
"Justin, do you think that's a good idea? I mean, it might send the wrong message if you stay with him."
Justin nodded. "I know, but it's what he needs."
Daphne started the car and pulled out of the space, "Yeah, but what about what you need?" she asked rhetorically.
Justin thought about all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours on his way back to Eric's. He wasn't the type of person that could just turn his back on his friend that needed him and after seeing Beth today, Eric definitely needed him. Justin realized it felt good to be needed again; he had unexpectedly missed it after they broke up. During their relationship, he was constantly frustrated that he felt too needed. Eric didn't like to make decisions or go anywhere without him. It had been a tad suffocating. With some perspective, Justin accepted that if he was honest with himself, there was some part of him that had encouraged it because he liked feeling needed. He contemplated there was probably a happy medium between Eric's kind of need and not feeling needed at all and wondered what that might mean for his future relationships, maybe even one with Brian.
By the time Daphne dropped him off, he was feeling apprehensive about staying with Eric, concerned about falling into old routines because it was comfortable and easy for both of him. Eric lived in a one-bedroom apartment and had only a loveseat and chairs, no couches. He hadn't considered the logistics of the sleeping arrangements but he didn't think a repeat of last night was a good idea for either of them. He glanced around the familiar space and noticed the accumulation of dust and clutter from the weeks that Eric had been staying with his mom. He started to tidy up for Eric, making himself as useful as possible while he was there. Eric came home about thirty minutes later, grateful for Justin's housekeeping efforts.
"Have you had dinner?" Justin asked. "I can make you something."
"No thanks" Eric replied, "I'm not really hungry and there's no food here anyway."
"C'mon, I'll order something from Georgiana's. You know you love their chicken parm. You're losing too much weight." Justin prodded.
"Fine" Eric agreed without a fight, deferring to Justin's better judgment, "You know where the menus are."
Justin handed Eric the remote and suggesting he watch television as a distraction. "What do you want to watch?" Eric asked him.
Justin sighed, "Whatever you want."
Eric flipped through the cable guide and picked a cooking show he knew Justin liked, "Here, you like this one, right?" he confirmed.
Justin nodded, doing his best to hide the frustration he felt since he knew Eric couldn't care less about cooking shows. He can't even have an opinion about a television show?
The food came and they ate without much conversation. They settled into loveseat together, resuming their old positions watching television. Justin sat on the left by the table and Eric lay with his head on Justin's lap and his feet hanging over the side. Eric yawned and announced he was tired twice before Justin encouraged him to go to bed. Eric resisted saying he would wait for Justin.
"Just go to bed. You don't need me to go to bed for Christ's sake." Justin raised his voice in aggravation only to be met by a stunned Eric.
"Are you okay?" Eric asked.
"I just forgot how frustrating it is when you do that." Justin explained.
"Do what?" Eric asked still with a puzzled expression, "What are you talking about?"
"You never do anything without me. I honestly don't know how you have survived without me the last few weeks because when we are together you won't make one single decision on your own!"
"Jus, calm down. Where is this coming from?"
"Nevermind. Just go to sleep, will you. I'm upset about your mom."
"No! See that reaction right there is the problem. That's why we broke up because you are obviously frustrated with me about something and then you won't talk to me about it. You just say never mind and act like you're not mad."
"What?" Justin asked incensed, "That's not why we broke up."
"Yes it is" Eric asserted raising his voice to Justin for the first time ever, "You decided to end our relationship after four years without so much as a discussion as to what the problems were. Do you realize we never had one fight before we broke up? Not one!"
"That's because you never disagreed with me. You never had an opinion on anything." Justin insisted.
"Justin, I don't disagree with you unless it's important to me. What we eat, what we watch on television…I couldn't care less about those things. When I do give an opinion, on something that does matter to me, you insist that it doesn't matter to you even when I know it does. We never discussed the things that mattered because you just say never mind and drop it and pretend that it's not a problem."
Justin stared at Eric in complete dismay. They both knew what he was referring to and he was right. He had dismissed it and never brought it up again. "I'm sorry" Justin admitted, "I should have told you that I was unhappy."
"I tried to make you happy Justin. I really tried." Eric confessed, his eyes watering. "I just want you to be happy. You mean the world to me."
Justin brought Eric into his arms and hugged him. Eric pulled back and cracked a smile, "Will you let me hug you for once?" Eric laughed and wrapped Justin into his arms forcing Justin's arms to his side, "You know I love that you're here for me but you offered to stay at my place. I don't need you to hold my hand full-time if you want to be somewhere else, I'll be okay."
"Are you sure?" Justin asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"Yes, I'm sure" Eric smiled, "I will manage as long as I can still cry on your shoulder when it gets to be too much."
"Anytime" Justin replied and meant it. Eric was just an incredible human being; he regretted that it wasn't meant to be for them. They shared some of the unspoken reasons that contributed to their breakup and owned their differences without accusations or discord. The conversation settled into a natural pause and Justin was just about to suggest they turn in when Eric changed the subject.
"So, Brian is pretty hot!" Eric smiled lightening the mood, "I'm kind of jealous!"
Justin laughed through his tears and nodded his agreement, still unsure what was kosher to talk about with an ex you were trying to be friends with. "You shouldn't be. He is definitely not interested in anything more than sex."
"Are you sure? He looked pretty upset to see me this morning. I think he was definitely jealous."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing there long term." Justin admitted hesitating before explaining, "Let's just say he feels about bottoming the way you feel about topping."
"Ahh, I see. So he won't let you fuck him?" Eric smiled, oddly comfortable with the discussion. "But I take it you at least got to try it the other way. What did you think?"
Justin nodded in confirmation and a sly smile, "It was pretty incredible!"
Eric flashed a mischievous grin, "Well if you need me to explain to him how good of a top you are, I am at your service!"
Justin laughed, "I'll keep that in mind. I'm exhausted. Can we just go to bed now?"
Eric took his hand and led him to his bedroom and they slept fully covered in sweatpants and t-shirts together with no awkwardness or sexual tension. Justin delighted in their new understanding and looked forward to getting to know Eric as a friend instead of a lover. As he drifted off to sleep he realized he had basically done the same thing with Brian as he had done with Eric. Brian said he wanted nothing serious, no expectations and Justin just conformed to Brian's wishes. He didn't even try to convince him he was wrong, assert his own feelings into the equation, he had actually convinced himself that he was okay with just having a fuck-buddy. He drifted off thinking about what he really wanted in a man and what was important to him. He didn't want to waste another four years pretending he was okay with what Brian was offering when he wanted more, needed more.
Brian woke up in a fog thinking about what the doctor had told him about needing someone to help him through this latest crisis. He picked up the phone to call Michael and hung up ten times. Michael would be there in a heartbeat but he would also smother him and drive him crazy. If the treatment was as long as Brian's internet research suggested, it would be up to a year of constant unwanted pampering and treating him like a complete invalid. He dismissed calling Lindsay because she would bring Gus and he never wanted his son to see him as ill as he knew he would be. Ted would be good. He wouldn't baby him unnecessarily and was reliable to a fault but Brian knew he would need him at Kinnetik. There were enough account execs now to keep the clients happy but Ted would be his eyes and ears, and along with Cynthia, they would keep the business running the way Brian wanted it done. Emmett was a non-starter; he was a great guy, but hardly someone you call in a crisis. That left Debbie. She was retired and he knew she could keep a secret and would do anything for him. He picked up the phone and called her taking a few deep breaths until he heard her voice say hello.
Hi Mom
Brian! Well this is a surprise. I didn't think Michael had called you yet.
Called me?
Yeah, about Carl, that's why you are calling, right? He's going to be fine.
Deb, what happened? I haven't talked to Mikey in a week.
Oh, honey, well Carl had a small heart attack. Really minor thankfully. They just put a stent in last night and he's going to be fine.
Oh, I'm sorry. Well give Carl my best. Do you need anything? Money?
No, we're fine. But if that's not why you called, what's up?
Nothing, um, I just missed you. Thought I would call you so you can tell me what a shit I am for not calling more. No one gets my order right at the diner. They keep bringing me what I ask for.
Ha! Well I can call them and give 'em hell. I told them if it wasn't for me, half the fags in Pittsburgh wouldn't ever eat a vegetable. You sure there's nothing wrong?
Nope, I'm fine. I actually sort of met someone.
Well, I may just join Carl in the hospital. Brian Kinney with a boyfriend? I never thought I would see the day! Good for you sweetheart.
Well it's nothing yet. Don't lose your wig!
Well if you devote as much energy into being a boyfriend as you do to pretending to be an uncaring degenerate, this man won't stand a chance against your charms. Listen honey, I need to run, Carl needs me.
Ok, I love you Deb
Oh Brian, I know you do. I love you to.
Brian hung up the phone in a stupor. Had he really just told Debbie he had a boyfriend? Why would he say such a thing? He knew why- so she wouldn't worry about him. Of course, that had to be it! It was just to reassure her that he was okay. Only he wasn't ok. He wasn't ok at all.