Justin woke up Saturday morning to an alarm buzzing and an empty bed. He threw his hand over to the bedside table blindly trying to locate the magic button that would quiet Eric's alarm clock without having to open his eyes. Once he succeeded, he reluctantly got out of bed to look for Eric anyway. He soon found him on the phone in the living room. His pained expression was all Justin needed to know the news was not good. He sat next to him and rubbed his shoulders while he listened to the caller and waited patiently until he ended the call abruptly saying he would be right there.
Eric sat the phone down and told Justin he needed to get to the hospice right away, his mom was lucid again and asking for him but the doctor didn't think they had much time left. Justin offered to go with him but Eric surprised him by turning down his offer claiming he wanted to be alone with her today. Justin nodded, relieved that Eric was feeling strong enough to face the hospice alone. He began packing his things up as Eric moved to the bedroom to change his clothes.
Less than an hour later, Justin was back at his own place with a renewed focus on his own situation with Brian. He showered, changed and ran over what he wanted to say in his mind. By mid-afternoon, he summoned the necessary courage and took the flight of stairs up to the sixth floor. He probably should have called first but he was worried Brian wouldn't respond since he still hadn't returned his last text. Justin knocked vigorously on the door and waited with baited breath.
Brian was lounging around in a pair of sweatpants and watching an old movie when he heard the knock. Since he wasn't expecting anyone and hadn't buzzed anyone in, he considered ignoring it altogether but rose with a heavy sigh to answer the door against his better judgment. Seeing Justin's smiling face when he slid open the door was the last thing he was prepared to do.
"Hey" Justin greeted him with his sexiest smile.
Brian did his best to conceal his surprise; "Can I help you?" he asked with one arm leaning purposefully against the doorway attempting to obstruct Justin's view of the pile of junk food wrappers that had accumulated during his self-pity binge.
"Can I come in? I'd like to talk to you." Justin explained.
Brian responded by walking away from the door but leaving it open for Justin to enter. His expression was not welcoming but Justin braved entry anyway. Brian grabbed the wastebasket and started tossing the empty wrappers and fast food containers strewn all over his table and countertops into the trash.
"Can I sit?" Justin asked, motioning to the couch.
Brian nodded agreement with a barely disguised scowl on his face and finished his quick clean-up effort before joining him on the couch.
"First, I want to apologize for not letting you know I didn't need a ride yesterday. I hope you weren't late because of me."
"Don't worry. I didn't wait long." Brian sniped.
"Yeah? Well that's good. I also thought you should know that Eric just needed a friend; he's having a tough time. We aren't back together or anything. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea since he was at my place yesterday morning when you came by."
"Okay" Brian nodded ambivalently. He wasn't positive he believed Justin's story but wanted to preserve the dignity that came from pretending he didn't care either way.
"So I was also sorry you missed my show last night. I was hoping you would get to see my work. I have to go pick up the pieces that didn't sell today; would you like to come with me? I was hoping you would want to hang out today."
Brian considered his options. Yesterday he might have told Justin to fuck off or make some snide comment about not wanting to see his work that wasn't even good enough to sell. But today was different, he was different, and if he had a choice between spending his day alone feeling sorry for himself and spending it with Justin, he would be an idiot not to choose Justin.
"Sure" Brian replied, even forcing a small smile, "I need to shower and change first. I was having a lazy day."
Justin cracked a big smile seeing that Brian's icy reception was warming a bit. "I saw that. I guess you must be blessed with a high metabolism to stay so trim and be able to eat like that."
Brian actually blushed, embarrassed by his gluttony but quickly left the room to hide his reaction. While Brian showered he contemplated his next move. On one hand, he really liked Justin, more than liked him. If he was going to be in a relationship with someone, Justin seemed like the ideal candidate. He was sexy and great in bed but he was also smart, creative, funny, and passionate; all qualities Brian liked but had never bothered to evaluate in a person he had fucked. On the other hand, he had no idea how to make anything happen with Justin other than the casual encounters they already enjoyed. Brian didn't know the first thing about seducing someone into a relationship. There was also the looming biopsy in two days. He should be thinking about fucking as much as possible in that time, just in case he couldn't get it up during the treatments again. God what a terrible time that was.
As Brian brushed his teeth and finished getting ready, he mentally boiled his options down to two courses of action. Either he could continue to assist Justin in his hedonistic pursuits, permanently securing his position as nothing more than a friend with benefits. Alternatively, he could put his dick's needs on the back burner, so to speak, and try to get to know him in the non-biblical way. Brian realized he would have to open up to him and show a side of himself he wasn't comfortable showing if he had any hope of getting out of the friend zone. Since he made a living convincing people to want things they didn't know they wanted but had no experience with romance, dating or being in a relationship it was likely to be either an epic disaster or a monumental success. The stakes were high but Brian was a gambler and by the time he finished in the bathroom, he decided he wanted to roll the dice.
When Brian emerged from the bathroom he stopped, frozen in place, taking in the site before him. Just outside his bathroom door was Justin wearing nothing except a naughty smile and an impressive erection.
"I was hoping I might get a rain check on the morning quickie I missed out on yesterday," Justin said seductively as he walked over towards the couch.
Brian dropped the towel that was secured around his waist leaving him completely naked as well. He laughed amused both by Justin's antics and at himself for having over-simplified his options, perhaps there was room for both sex and romance when it came to Mr. Taylor's seduction. He did consider that he might have followed Justin too willingly; thinking that being around him was bad for his self-control. But then Justin sprawled his body out on the couch and Brian leaned over him until their skin came into contact. From there it was instant electricity and lust and nothing mattered but kissing and touching.
"Tell me what you want" Brian moaned into Justin's ear.
Justin was consumed with need, having Brian's naked body at his disposal, he held nothing back from sharing the fantasy that kept creeping into his mind, "I want you to lean me over this couch and fuck me standing."
Brian felt a rush of arousal shoot through him and his balls burned, "Fuck! Get up"
Justin did, his thoughts rushing forward though his fantasy. He bent over just enough to place his hands flat on the back of the couch. He wanted to be in a completely submissive position for Brian.
Brian ran a hand down Justin back, practically dizzy with adrenaline seeing Justin submit to him. He retrieved a condom and lube and placed the items on the top of couch next to Justin's hand.
"You want me to fuck you like this?" Brian asked, purposefully huffing his breath into Justin's ear.
"God. Yes, Please"
He fisted Justin's hard cock running his thumb over the bulbous head, his own reacting to every moan. He readied himself, placing a single slicked finger into Justin's hole just long enough to make sure he didn't hurt him. He lined himself up and pushed inside and Justin's body swallowed his cock with little resistance. Brian pulsed into the rippling heat as he pressed his hands down on top of Justin's, lacing their fingers together. He fucked Justin, his body moving instinctively. Justin moaned and grunted, asking for it harder. He moved into him so forcefully that the couch skidded a little over the floor but their hands stayed locked together. Brian finally couldn't hold back and felt a burst of pure pleasure rip through him. He thrust into Justin a few more times, drawing out the last of his orgasm reaching around to help Justin out only to discover he was already damp and softening. Brian reveled at the idea of fucking Justin into an orgasm even if the evidence was now all over the back of his couch.
Moments later Justin settled into Brian's bed, his head listing towards the door following Brian's movement into the bathroom to toss the condom and grab a wet washcloth. He clenched his cheeks together and bit back a flinch at the hot, angry sensation in his ass. A feeling he was quickly growing to enjoy.
Brian appeared back in the bedroom, standing at the edge of the bed, looking down at Justin with admiration more than lust. Justin reached for the cloth but Brian held it back, "Let me" he offered softly, licking along Justin flaccid length and over his lower stomach, tasting him. Justin sighed and ran his hands through Brian's hair. Brian finished licking Justin as clean as he could and looked up licking his lips before using the cloth to wipe the remaining fluid from Justin stomach and pelvis.
"That was hot" Justin confessed, pulling Brian's mouth up to his.
Brian racked his brain for some way to move the subject to something more substantial than normal post-fuck banter. "I like that you'll tell me what you want. It's a real turn on."
"Yeah?" Justin smiled while a faint tinge of blush cover his cheeks. He recalled many times wanting to be that way with Eric but he never had. "I'm sort of working on that. Apparently, I'm not very good at asking for what I want" he confessed.
Brian leaned onto his side to face Justin, propping his head up with his open palm, "Really? Just in bed or in other areas?"
Justin rolled his eyes dismissing Brian's question, "You don't really want to know, do you?"
Brian put on his most serious face to show Justin he was wrong, "No, I really do. I'm sort of going through something similar." Brian elaborated, "I never have any issues getting what I want when it comes to sex but I'm just trying to make some changes in other parts of my life."
Justin crinkled his face in a way that made Brian suspected he was skeptical about his being so forthcoming. "Seriously" Brian reiterated, "Ask me for something you want and I will tell you something I want to change."
Justin thought for a minute and swallowed the uncomfortable feeling the made his palms sweat a little, "Well, um, to be honest, it kind of bothered me that you got so freaked out when I tried to fuck you. I guess it left me wondering if that's something you would ever see yourself trying?"
"Is that a deal-breaker for you?" Brian asked because he really wanted to know, his voice a little shakier than he would have liked.
Justin stared into Brian's eyes and couldn't interpret what was happening inside his head. This was definitely becoming a deeper conversation that what he ever expected to have with Brian but after talking to Eric, he knew he needed to be honest, "Yeah, I kind of think that it is. I mean, not for what we are doing but for something serious where it was a committed relationship. I wouldn't want to give up either experience."
"Ah, a true versatile then?" Brian took a deep breath preparing for his first time at being open and honest. This is going to hurt. "Well I really didn't mean to freak out and I have bottomed before, when I was younger, mostly back in high school, when I was first coming to terms with being gay. The last time I was about nineteen at a club with a fake ID and I sort of got in over my head in the backroom. It wasn't pleasant. It hurt like hell actually and I really have no interest in experiencing it again. But, I can see that there might be a scenario where I would, if I really trusted the person, and it was important to them."
Brian realized after he finished answering that he hadn't made eye contact with Justin once since he started. He pulled his eyes up to meet an amazed stare radiating for piercing blue eyes.
"Wow, that's terrible. I can't imagine. I'm so lucky that you were so good." Justin spoke as he ran his hand up Brian's chest to land a finger on his lips, which Brian surprised him by kissing lightly. "So" Justin kissed him quickly, "I shared mine, now you share yours."
"Well, I guess the biggest thing I want to change is this" Brian rested his hand on Justin's hip, "I mean just having a real conversation with someone, it's hard for me to let people in."
"Why is that?" Justin asked impulsively before adding a caveat when he thought it might have been to nosy, "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to."
"No, it's okay. I don't really know why. I had a fairly crappy childhood. My parents were both alcoholics and abusive but as you can see, I turned out okay without their help. I did have Debbie, she's my best friend's mom, she looked after me and gave me a sane place to stay. Well almost sane, she's sort of crazy in her own way."
Justin nodded in understanding but didn't want to push it with more questions. He actually really didn't know what to say, so he thought he would just share more about himself, "My family was uber normal until I came out to my parents. Then my family just sort of went to hell in a hand-basket; my dad still doesn't really get it. They're divorced now. My dad had an affair and left my mom for a younger woman. I don't really see him much now unless it's something for my sister."
"Are you close to your mom and sister?" Brian asked.
"Not like we were before I came out. My mom tries; she loves me unconditionally but I can tell she isn't quite over her fantasy about me marrying a nice girl and having a couple grandkids. My sister's younger, she's in middle school and we get along fine although I wouldn't say we are very close given our age difference. Do you have any siblings?"
"Just a sister, she's older and we don't speak anymore." Brian answered.
Justin wanted to ask why but sensed that if Brian wanted to talk about it he would have elaborated, so he didn't. They shared a few more antidotes about their lives with each other until Justin caught a glimpse of the clock on Brian's bedside table. "It's getting late; I need to get to the gallery soon." He pushed up from Brian's bed and started looking for his clothes and Brian followed suit.
By the time they pulled up to the Gallery on Third in Brian's car, Justin was nervous. He couldn't deny that he had feelings for Brian and what they had shared this afternoon felt like the beginning of something real which made Brian's opinion about his art even more important.
They strolled into the gallery and only a handful of paintings from the emerging artist show remained, all had been removed from the walls and were sitting on the floor against the wall waiting for the artists to claim them. Justin recognized his own as well as the work of four other artists. Brian glanced around at the wall and back at Justin.
"Which ones are yours?" Brian asked.
Justin grinned, "Tell me which ones you like the most and then I'll tell you which ones are mine."
Brian frowned but appreciated Justin wanting to guarantee his unbiased opinion so he studied each one carefully before selecting his two favorites. The first was a portrait of an older woman. Brian liked it because even though she wasn't smiling or laughing you could see joy in her eyes. It was really captivating.
"That's Daphne's mom" Justin added after confirming it was one of his paintings, "I just love her expression. I painted this from a photograph taken when Daphne and I went to prom together."
The second painting Brian picked was abstract, bright splashes of red, yellow and orange over a black background. It was a beautiful mixture of colors and it captured his eye for an unknown reason despite his somewhat comical efforts to sound like an art aficionado.
Justin tried to keep a poker face but as Brian tried to explain why he liked the second painting, he started laughing. "It's okay to just to like something. You don't have to be an art critic to impress me."
Brian was red-faced at being caught bloviating over a painting. "Sorry" he cringed.
"That's okay; at least you picked two of mine." Justin reassured him, picking them up and pointing out the other works that were also his. Once he had the paintings secured he signed some paperwork and they carried the paintings to Brian's car. "Where to now?" Brian asked as he started the car.
"I could eat; do you want to go to dinner?" Justin asked cautiously.
"Yeah, I could eat too. I know a really good steakhouse not too far from here."
Justin nodded and smiled warmly, excited to be spending some time with Brian just getting to know him.
Once they pulled up at the restaurant, Justin noticed the steakhouse Brian had referred to was one of the nicest places in town. A meal would easily be at least $100 per person which was well outside Justin's budget. Brian picked up his hesitation as he exited the car and saw the look of apprehension.
"The food here is excellent" Brian exclaimed while placing his hand on the small of Justin's back and giving him a quick kiss.
Justin laughed nervously at the understatement. "Yeah, I'm sure it's fantastic but I think it might be a bit out of my budget. Do you mind if we go somewhere else?"
Brian shook his head and pulled Justin against the car for a longer kiss. "Don't worry about it, it will be my treat. Consider it an apology for missing your show."
Justin took a peek at Brian's face and was completely perplexed. Now he really didn't know what was going on between them. Buying meals at fancy restaurants even if under the guise of an apology for cancelling plans seemed to be very dating-like behavior. Justin wanted to ask but he also didn't want to make Brian uncomfortable by labeling whatever it was they were now doing.
As they entered the building, Brian spoke to the maître de to secure a secluded table. He brought clients here all the time and was well reputed by management as a loyal customer and as a very good tipper by the wait staff. They were seated instantly and Brian asked for a bottle of red wine that was stored in his wine locker.
Justin perused the menu trying not to let his eyes bug out over the steep prices. He looked for less expensive choices but quickly realized there were none. He closed the menu after deciding he would just order whatever Brian did when the time came to be safe.
Brian noticed Justin looking apprehensive again and became concerned. He was trying to impress Justin not intimidate him. He had already failed miserably at trying to impress him by his art knowledge but he thought food was a safe bet. Brian knew good food and good wine but it seemed coming to the best place in town might also backfire.
"Do you mind if I order for you?" Brian proposed, thinking it would alleviate some of the sticker shock.
Justin looked immensely grateful for the offer and readily accepted.
"They have the best steaks here. How do you like yours?" Brian asked.
"Medium is fine" Justin answered.
Brian summoned the waiter and ordered crab cakes to start and the wet-aged, 20-ounce Wagyu tomahawk ribeyes and several of the ala carte sides for them both. The Tomahawk was his favorite and he wanted to enjoy as many favorites as possible before he lost his appetite from chemotherapy. It was by far the most succulent delicacy in the place, well at least one you could order from a menu, Brian thought, as he considered just how delicious Justin's tasted. He ordered his medium-rare and Justin's medium as requested. He considered ordering Justin's medium-rare since he thought it a sin to order such a prime piece of meat cooked more than pink in the center but he didn't want to appear to be too pretentious by saying so.
Justin sipped the wine and commented that it was very good, much to Brian's delight. He studied Justin's face in the dim lighting and candle flicker and really appreciated just how beautiful he was. His eyes especially were so mesmerizing. Brian smiled to himself realizing what a lesbianic thought he was having and that he was staring a bit too intensely.
"What?" Justin asked nervously, "Do I have something on my face?" He asked while self-consciously using the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.
Brian chuckled, "No, I was actually just thinking to myself how beautiful you are."
Justin flushed bright red at the compliment, "Seriously?" he asked skeptically.
"Yes" Brian replied sincerely, leaning forward slightly, "Does that surprise you?"
"Well a little" Justin answered honestly, "I mean coming from you it does."
Brian drew back a little, not surprised by his statement but a little disappointed that he may have more work to do at overcoming Justin's initial first impression of him than he thought.
Justin hadn't meant to offend Brian or discourage his flattery so he continued, "I guess you really are making some changes."
Brian affirmed with a slight nod but quickly moved to change the subject, "So I've seen your art now and I know you're exceptionally talented both in bed and out. What else should I know about you Mr. Taylor?"
Justin felt on the spot at the open-endedness of Brian's question and racked his brain for an intelligent response. "Hmm, let's see. I've lived in Pittsburgh most of my life. We moved here from Philly when I was five. I went to St. James Academy. Started drawing before I could walk and discovered I liked painting better when I was a freshman. I hope someday I can support myself doing that full time but for now I work doing computer animation for this software company that makes computer games for kids."
Brian cracked a smile at the nerves evident in Justin's response, "It's not an interview Justin, relax!"
"Sorry, I'm not sure what you are interested in knowing about me."
Brian reached for his hand that was lying on the table and covered it with his own in a reassuring gesture, "I would love to hear whatever it is you want to tell me particularly about your art. One of my best friends, Lindsay, the mother of my son, she was an artist as well. She works for a museum in Toronto now as a curator."
"Tell me about Gus. It must be hard to be so far from him."
Brian reflected warmly on his son while he answered. "Yeah, it is. He's such a great kid. Smart, curious, funny…I was just beginning to get better at the fatherhood gig when they decided to move. Do you remember the bombing of the nightclub a few years back?"
Justin nodded, "Of course. It was at Babylon too, right? I remember I saw a memorial plaque on the wall while we were there."
"Well Lindsay and Melanie were there. It was really scary time for both of them and they decided to move to Canada for the kids' sake so they could be raised in a more tolerant environment."
"Kids?" Justin asked, "Do you have more than one?"
"No, Gus is mine but Melanie and Lindsay had another child with a different donor, another friend of mine Michael. They had a daughter, Jenny"
"I see. Do you plan to have more yourself?"
Brian was perplexed at Justin's question although it was increasing common for gay men to have families; it was still a pretty foreign concept to Brian. He shook his head no and didn't elaborate on how his radiation treatments had left him unable to have more.
"Do you want kids?" Brian asked swallowing hard. He never thought he would be on a date let alone asking another gay man about his plans to have a future family. It was surely a day of firsts.
Just as Justin was about to explain, their appetizer arrived and they were distracted but Brian really wanted an answer so he prompted him again once the server had left.
"I don't know yet. I like kids but I just can't see it. Daphne always jokes that she wants me to father her child when she decides to have one but I don't really want to just be a donor. If I'm going to do it, I would want to be involved and right now there are so many things I would rather do….travel, paint, sleep in." Justin laughed but realized he was rambling a bit and so he concluded, "Maybe if I meet the right man someday and it was important to him. I definitely don't want to do it alone."
Brian and Justin continued to make small talk about their lives until their dinner arrived. Justin realized as Brian poured the remains of their wine bottle into his glass that he was the one doing most of the talking and the drinking for that matter.
"So I seem to be monopolizing the conversation tonight. Tell me more about you." Justin asked taking the first bite of his steak and moaning a little at how it melted in his mouth. "This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth" he commented before Brian could answer.
"Surely not the best thing." Brian responded tongue in cheek before replying to Justin's original question explaining what he did and why he started his own company. He peppered in some humorous stories about his friends while avoiding references to the considerable time they spent drinking, using recreational drugs, and being promiscuous.
When the waiter came back to check on them and offered a dessert menu, both men waived him off quickly. Justin watched awestruck as Brian handed his Black Am Ex card over to the server without even looking at the check, wondering exactly how successful his neighbor was and how it must feel to not have to balance your checkbook before making a purchase. Justin sat back in his chair trying to expand his stomach to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling he had from over-indulging. His steak was so good and he was so engaged in Brian's stories he had eaten well past his limit. Justin excused himself to the restroom feeling the effects of consuming most of the bottle of wine.
Brian sat alone at the table waiting to close out their bill and reflecting on how well it seemed to be going. Justin was easy to talk to. Brian was actually proud of himself since on his last first date attempt he had fucked the waiter before their entrees had even arrived. This was a marked improvement. He had briefly weighed the pro's and con's of fucking Justin in a public restroom but to his own surprise decided it would be better to wait on introducing Justin to the joys of semi-public restroom sex.
As they headed back to the car, Justin's phone rang. He knew without looking it was Eric by the ring tone and groaned softly but not because he didn't want to talk to him. He simply didn't want to be faced with the decision to leave Brian to support him.
"I'm sorry, I need to get this." Justin said as they climbed into the car.
Brian nodded and checked his own phone to avoid listening to one-half of Justin's conversation but couldn't avoid it as Justin started to tear up and then tell the caller he would be there as soon as he could.
Justin hung up his cell phone and turned to look at Brian with pained eyes, "I'm sorry. Eric's mother just passed away. I need to go. I'm sorry to leave, I had such a great time tonight. Thank you so much for dinner. I will just have the restaurant call me a cab."
"Don't be silly" Brian answered, "I can drop you where you need to go and take your paintings to my place. You can pick them up later. Where to?"
Justin smiled gratefully, "You're the best. Thanks so much. He's at UPMC."
As they drove, Brian moved his hand to Justin's leg as he made some phone calls to inform mutual friends of Eric's mother's death. Brian grew so tense he had to remove his hand when he learned more from about Beth's death from the content of his phone calls.
It was so awful; you can't believe what the cancer did to her. She just wasted away so quickly.
I know it was just awful for Eric.
Such a blessing she wasn't suffering very long.
As Brian turned into the parking lot of UPMC he fought back his emotions, positively ill knowing that it was too late in the game for him to find someone. How could he be so selfish pursuing Justin knowing what he was facing? Why would he put someone he cared about through watching him waste away unnecessarily? No, if he needed someone to help him, he would hire a nurse. Justin didn't need to be bogged down with his burden. He would face this illness like he had the last time, on his own. He didn't need to be the burden holding him back.
Sorry for the slower than normal update. I just moved so in addition to being insanely busy, I am also without regular access to the internet. Please comment and share your thoughts. As with all things Brian...it's one step forward, two steps back.