Homestuck: The Sgrub Delta

by ObsidianFlutes

(I have no shame. I'm just having fun with this.) On a planet known as Descensia, twelve young trolls follow in the footsteps of their ancestors in the game that led to the initial creation of their planet.

3. Chapter 3

Well, well. Who's this young man?

== Enter name.

Your name is TRITOS CAPTOR. You are a GOLD-BLOODED TROLL with SOMEWHAT DIMINISHED PSIONIC POWERS due to an INCIDENT when you were younger that took an eye. You are accomplished in PROGRAMMING and COMPUTERS, as well as a TALENTED THESPIAN. You enjoy ACTING AND DRAMA, and can quote many of your favorite PLAYS by heart. Your trollhandle is twofoldArtistry and iour speech patterns vari from archayc to yntenseli confusyng.

What will you do?

== Tritos: Put finishing touches on program.

You've been working on a game for a long time that you intend to play with your friends. You've named it after an event that affected your ancestors and your friends' ancestors: SGRUB, the Delta Version. You're almost done and ready to send it to your friends.

Just a little code there... a splash of data there... run a troubleshooting program... and...

Oh, my. Someone is attempting to contact you.

== Tritos: Check Trollian.

- chromiumGlory began trolling twofoldArtistry at 16:28 -

CG: goodafternoon TRITOSHOW isthat GAMECOMING alongnow?
TA: whi are iou botheryng me? y was lyteralli almost fynyshed!
CG: ohwell IMSORRY tobother YOURIGHT nowbut INEED totalk TOYOU likebadly.
TA: all ryght, but thys had better be good...
CG: mylusus JUSTDIED justa MOMENTAGO
TA: oh.
TA: y'm... y'm sorri.
TA: do iou...
TA: do iou want to talk about yt?
CG: wellim NOTVERY comfortablewith TALKINGABOUT itat THISMOMENT
CG: ijust NEEDSOMEONE tobe ABLETO speakwith MERIGHT nowcause IMSTRESSED
CG: justsomeone TOBE online WITHME youknow?
TA: okai y can do that... but y'm goyng to have to go ydle whyle y work. ys that alryght?
CG: thatwill BEFINE thankyou VERYMUCH

- twofoldArtistry is now an idle troll. -

You turn back to your programming and run the final troubleshooting program. All systems are go, so you save the files: SGRUBDELTACLIENT/CAKE and SGRUBDELTASERVER/CAKE.

== Tritos: Lean back contentedly in your chair.

You lean back too far in your chair and fall flat on your back on the ground. Your resulting indignant roars of pain awaken your lusus naturae. Oh fuck, it must be feeding time.

== Tritos: Deal with your lusus.

You rise from the ground, cursing profusely and rubbing the rising bump on the back of your skull, and make your way to your beekeeping equipment. This structure is where you raise bees which make mind honey for your lusus, as is traditional for yellow bloods such as yourself. Though you despise the task, you do grudgingly admit that it prevents him from roaring all night and shooting his psionics everywhere.

Just before you can make your way up to the roof to feed your lusus the mind honey, a notification pops up on your laptop.

== Tritos: Check notification.

It's a message from CG. He's asking to be the last person to join the game. That shouldn't be a problem - you'll slot him in after Regina, and she can deal with him on her own. But you currently have much larger, hungrier, and stupider matters on your hands.

== Tritos: Proceed to roof.

There he is. Your big, stupid BICYCLOPS himself. A bicyclops may be a traditional lusus, but dear gog, can it be a hard one to deal with. All he does is roar and drool, and that's after the mind honey.

Open wide, you filthy animal - yes, either one will do.

== Tritos: Return to laptop.

GC is talking to you. What does she want?

== Tritos: Answer GC.

- gratuitousCrass began trolling twofoldArtistry at 17:00 -

- twofoldArtistry is no longer an idle troll. -

GC: TR1TOS!
GC: how y4 do1n buddy?!
GC: 1 H34RD TH3R3 1S 4 G4M3 TO B3 PL4Y3D?
TA: ies, there ys yndeed, but iou mai have to wayt, myssi.
TA: y'm sendyng the fyles wyth specyfycs on who the clyent player ys. the onli varyable ys that gc requested to be the last one yn for whatever reason. maibe yt's because hys lusus dyed, whych ys a shame even under the best of cyrcumstances.
GC: 1 h34rd. poor guy.
TA: that's whi y'm havyng regyna act as hys server plaier.
TA: speakyng of whych... iou're goyng to act as the server plaier for carmel, yf y'm not mystaken.
GC: OK, C4N DO, BUT S3R1OUSLY? YOU'R3 ST1CK1NG M3 W1TH N1TR4M?
GC: 1f h3 4cts 4s l4m3 4s h3 sounds onl1n3, 1 sw34r to gog.
TA: iou wyll do nothyng of the sort or iou wyll have to go through me and regyna.
GC: 1 W4S K1DD1NG.
GC: 1 prom1s3 1'll b3 n1c3. ;)
TA: y've got mi eie on iou, gyrl.

- twofoldArtistry attached files SGRUBDELTACLIENT/CAKE and SGRUBDELTASERVER/CAKE. -

- gratuitousCrass ceased trolling twofoldArtistry -

You go on to have a conversation with Carmel, which we've already read.

== Tritos: Start the daisy chain.

- NEW MESSAGE TO: crystalCultivation FROM: twofoldArtistry -

hei there... fygured synce iou're technycalli the begynnyng of our chayn, iou should have these. iour clyent plaier ys tc. pass yt on, and so forth. -trytos c.

- END OF MESSAGE -

== Tritos: Connect to your server and client players.

TA: what was that noyse?
TA: y swear to fuckyng GOG carmel...
TA: ys that mi load gaper?!
AT: IM SORRY
AT: I NEEDED ROOM FOR THE ALCHEMITER
AT: DO YOU WANT TO NOT ENTER THE MEDIUM?
TA: wow iou are beyng ynsufferable ryght now
TA: did iou send regyna the files?
AT: yep
AT: she should be ready to enter soon
AT: in the meantime gc is making a mess of my hive, but at least my lusus is a sprite now
TA: oh
TA: man the lusyy are droppyng lyke flyes
TA: yt would probabli be best yf iou put mi byciclops yn mi spryte
TA: at least he'll be actyng lyke less of an ydyot.
AT: CAN DO
AT: WAIT WHAT WAS THAT?!
AT: TRITOS, I'M SORRY. I GOTTA RUN. I'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.
TA: wayt what?

- CONNECTION LOST -

== Tritos: Be someone else.