AN: Thanks for the brilliant response to last chapter! Hope you all enjoy this one as well. Updates will continue to be sporadic for a while, but I hope to post every week or so.
Jane wakes to a bright sun behind his eyelids and the sensation of Lisbon's fingertips ghosting across his skin. He allows himself several seconds to memorize the feeling of waking up with her head on his bare chest, his arms around her.
He feels a teardrop land just underneath his collarbone, and he opens his eyes.
Jane has absolutely no idea what to say.
Her fingers trace the contours of his right arm, and as they move over his bicep, she says, "I keep expecting to wake up."
Jane remains silent. He's suddenly hyperaware of the fact that the blankets have fallen to his hips, leaving him naked from the waist up. This doesn't seem to bother Lisbon.
"This is a nightmare, right?" she asks, looking up at him with eyes rimmed in red. "Please tell me I'm going to wake up soon."
His breath catches, and she closes her eyes tightly. Despite this, several more tears slip out.
"I can't tell the difference," she says, dropping her head to his chest again. "I can't tell if this is real."
Jane's voice is rough with sleep as he answers. "Am I in your nightmares?" he asks.
"The majority of them focus on you bleeding out in my arms," she admits.
"But do I hold you like this in your nightmares?" he asks quietly.
She shakes her head, her hair tickling his skin.
"Then that's how you can tell. In real life, I'll be here to wake you up from your nightmares. You'll wake up in my arms."
She breathes out sharply, the tuft of air hot on his chest. "I don't think these nightmares will be going away anytime soon," she points out.
"Then neither will I."
As soon as the words are out, he knows he means them with everything he has.
There will be no more ridiculous attempts to push her away, to pretend she will be safer without him near. Maybe that would have been true once upon a time, in an alternate universe in which they had never met. But fate had forced them together. He'd fallen for her so gradually and naturally that he was in far too deep by the time Red John pointed this out to him, and by then the damage was irreversible.
If his feelings for Lisbon mark her as a target, he is determined to be her shield.
She gives him a look, and for the first time in his life, he can't read her—he has absolutely no idea what she's thinking. But this look soon disappears, replaced by one of obvious gratitude. Then she looks away, a rosy blush creeping up the side of her neck, and Jane can actually feel her skin heat against his.
"I need to be in Chicago," she says. "If there's anything I can do to help Karen—I need to be there for her." Lisbon closes her eyes again and rolls away, leaning back onto her own pillow. "Jane, my brother only called last week. He said they were going to try to have a baby."
She raises a shaking hand to her face and rubs at her eyes.
"I don't think I can do this," she whispers, rolling over more so that she's now facing away from him.
He shifts to press himself against her, his chest to her back. Tentatively, he places a hand on her hip.
"You don't have to do it alone," he points out. "Let me come with you."
She looks over her shoulder at him, surprised.
"Thank you," Lisbon breathes, like the weight of the world just lessened a bit on her shoulders. "I'd very much like it if you came."
He's somewhat surprised by how easily she gives in, but he doesn't question it.
"Then it's settled. Call Karen, and I'll book the flights and hotel, alright?"
Her hand reaches down to cover his own on her hip, and she squeezes his fingers lightly. "I never understood your obsession with Red John," she admits. "But now it makes more sense to me than breathing."
Jane's whole body tenses at the coldness in her voice.
"I hoped you never would understand," he finally says, after the tension in the room becomes too much. "I'd give anything so that you wouldn't."
She doesn't respond.
Sighing, Jane slips away from the bed, locating his phone and heading downstairs, moving toward the desk in the living room where he knows Lisbon's laptop is located. He shivers as the computer boots up, wondering vaguely where his discarded shirt and vest ended up.
He books the plane tickets quickly but hesitates when confirming the hotel—will Lisbon expect him to reserve separate rooms? He doesn't particularly like the thought of her spending the night alone after this latest trauma but knows she will probably insist that she will be fine without him.
In the end, he books a single room with two double beds, hoping this will be an acceptable compromise.
He shuts down the laptop and grabs his phone, dialing Cho's number.
Cho picks up immediately. "You with Lisbon?"
"Yes," says Jane. "So you heard?"
When Cho answers, there's a hint of emotion behind his words that surprises Jane. "It's all anyone can talk about here," he says, referring to the CBI. "Let her know she's been given a couple weeks' time off, will you?"
"Sure," says Jane. "Is the team flying out to Chicago to look into the possible Red John connection?"
"We just cleared it with Bertram," says Cho. "We're on the way to the airport now." He pauses for a second before continuing. "I didn't tell you this, but no one in Chicago will know that Lisbon's no longer the SAC."
Jane smiles sadly. "I'll tell her to bring her badge."
"How is she?"
"About how you'd expect," says Jane. "Thanks, Cho. I'll keep you updated."
"See you in Chicago."
The line goes dead.
Jane opens one eye, and the glaring red of the alarm clock reads 3:02 AM. They'd gotten into Chicago late that night—far too late to call upon Karen. Instead, they'd headed to their hotel straight from the airport.
His fingers automatically reach for Lisbon, just as he had yesterday morning, but instead he just encounters empty space. He blinks, remembering that, as he'd predicted, she'd opted to sleep on the other bed.
He sits up, suddenly wide awake, and notices her sitting at the window, looking out into the night at the Chicago skyline in the distance.
"Lisbon?" he asks, concerned.
She doesn't answer him. Jane rubs a hand over his face and blinks several times, and Lisbon finally comes into focus. He feels his heart shatter all over again when he realizes her body is shaking with silent sobs.
"Teresa," he says faintly, slipping out of the covers to walk over to her. She doesn't resist when he shifts her slightly so that he can sit down and pull her onto his lap.
She continues to cry noiselessly, and he holds her more tightly with every passing minute. Finally, she inhales deeply yet shakily and rests her head against his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you."
He moves one of his hands to her hip. "I'd rather you would," he admits. "I meant what I said this morning—I'm going to be beside you. I don't want you to go through this alone."
They are silent for a while before she nods against his chest.
Another minute passes.
Then she speaks softly, her voice almost inaudible. "Thank you," she says. "I don't know if I could do this without you holding me together."
Jane leans his head against hers and smiles slightly. "Quite a role reversal for us, huh?"
Lisbon chuckles. "Yeah." Then she reaches for his hand. "Jane," she says. "Can I ask you something?"
He tenses immediately, instinctively, though he's not sure exactly why, but she hurries to reassure him.
"You don't have to answer," she murmurs, and he nods infinitesimally. She looks down at their joined hands and begins to speak. "What is it that Red John told you that's got you so freaked out?"
He gapes at her, stunned.
"It doesn't take a mentalist to figure it out, Jane," Lisbon explains. "You've been acting different ever since you spoke with him. I thought at first it might have been because of...of the bomb scare," she says, clearly trying to find the least threatening way to refer to when he'd found her unconscious with a bomb strapped to her chest. She continues. "But you've saved my life before and never acted this way, so I thought there must be another explanation. You meeting with Red John seemed the most likely."
Jane takes a deep breath. He's astounded that she has noticed this despite the horrors that life has thrown her way recently. Any other woman would have been consumed by grief, incapable of functioning completely. Yet Lisbon, even in the midst of her own emotional turmoil, is still finding ways to look after him.
He feels himself fall in love with her a little more.
"How have I been acting differently?" he asks, trying to gauge the situation.
She looks up at him, the red of the alarm clock reflected in her eyes. "I'm not sure I can explain it. It's just..." She trails off, considering her words carefully. "When you look at me these days, I'm reminded of the look you used to wear all those years ago, around the time we first met...whenever you'd talk about your wife."
This doesn't surprise Jane. He'd been head over heels in love with his wife back then (he still loves her), and now he's head over heels in love with Lisbon.
"What did he tell you?" Lisbon asks again.
Jane feels his mask slide into place as he considers this.
Then he remembers the promise he made to himself that morning. No more running away from Lisbon. No more running.
He steels himself.
"He told me that I had fallen in love with you."
Lisbon hides her reaction well—the only sign of surprise on her face is a slightly raised eyebrow. "Is that true?" she asks.
"Of course it is."
He says this without hesitation, and he is pleased to see the soft smile that spreads across her face.
"I didn't realize it before he pointed it out," continues Jane. "But of course it's true. Lisbon, you have to know that."
"When were you planning on telling me?"
Jane sighs. "Lisbon, when could I? Red John was killing women who looked like you, then he got you demoted, and now…" he trails off, not knowing how to talk about the death of her brother quite yet. "At any rate, the timing was hardly right."
"You were planning on telling me, though, weren't you?"
"I wanted to," Jane admits. "God, I hope you know how badly I wanted to. But also…"
She grabs his hand, urging him to continue.
"I couldn't bear it if you didn't feel the same way. What if I ruined everything we had? Lisbon, you are the most important thing in my life. I couldn't sacrifice that."
She gives him a curious look. Then her expression falls, and Jane's hopes do as well.
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you," she says slowly, gripping his hand tightly.
"I understand," Jane says quickly, feeling rejection sink in deep within him, traveling in his veins like a poison.
Lisbon shakes her head. "I don't think you do," she says. "I'm not saying 'no.' I'm saying 'not yet.'" He watches as a tear slides down her cheek. "I feel like I'm functioning on autopilot—it's like I'm a shell of a human being, an automaton. I'm not capable of being in a relationship right now. You deserve better, Patrick. And I want to give you that—someday. I want to do this justice." He wipes away more tears as they fall from her eyes. "I need to take care of myself before...before I make any major life changes."
Her words are like an antidote, chasing away the last remnants of the poison, and he tries to control his breathing. "Of course," he says. "Of course. Take all the time you need. But Lisbon, I don't want you to feel...obligated or anything. If this is not what you want, I'll understand." She squeezes his fingers, and he returns the pressure. "The most important thing to me is that you're in my life. Obviously you know how I'd prefer that condition to be met, but…I could never be unhappy being your friend."
She shifts so that they are face to face, and the intensity of her gaze leaves him breathless.
Then, before he knows exactly what is happening, before he can prepare, she touches her lips tenderly to his, framing his face in her hands.
His fingers automatically move to her hips to steady her against him, and suddenly he feels alive for the first time in almost a decade. "Lisbon," he breathes, pulling her nearer, nearer, and she is the dearest thing in his sorry life.
He will never let her go.
She pulls back, brushing her lips against the corner of his mouth, his jaw. Her eyes sparkle.
"You only being my friend isn't really an option," she says, her expression stormy. "Because you became my everything a long time ago."