Chapter 18

My Conversation with Pam

Here's your Monday chapter. I may post the second half of this today if I have time. That chapter will have a little Eric and Sookie in it. Anyway, happy reading y'all. Let me know what you think.

Just as I'd gotten out of the tub, Flynn called me. "Hey, mom," she said. "What are you doin'?"

It felt good to hear her little voice. I never thought that I would love anyone as much as I love Eric but then she came along. She changed everything for me. She's my world. When I lost Gran and Gran'pa, I was more than grateful that I had Flynn. Having her with me got me through the toughest times in my life. She's nine years old and she's gone and taught me more than I could have ever expected. I wished that she was home with me right now. I really needed to see her little face.

As I ran the towel through my hair, I said, "I'm just getting out of the tub. I was just about to come over to see you. How's your arm?"

"Oh, it's really okay, mom," she said in her most nonchalant voice. "It really wasn't that bad for you to have to leave work. We were there for only like five minutes. Pam was just overreacting. She called the nurses bad names too. She acted like I was bleeding to death. You know how she is."

I heard Pam in the background telling Flynn that she wouldn't have to overreact if a little girl named Flynn didn't get into stuff that she had no business in. "You, young lady, are going to be the very death of me. I don't know how much more if your antics I can take."

"That's a lot of pressure to put on nine year old, Pammy," Flynn replied. They fussed back and forth about what happened today and whose fault it was that I had to leave work. Pam said that Flynn would have bled to death if not for her fast thinking. Flynn said that she wouldn't have had to go if Pam wasn't such a drama queen and would just buy some Band-Aids.

"Uncle Jason has tons of them," she announced.

"It's because Uncle Jason needs them," Pam declared.

"Anyway mom," she said loud enough for Pam to hear. "Pam was going to bring me home tonight but I changed my mind. I want to go antiquing. May I go antiquing with Pam and Amelia tomorrow?"

From the background, I heard Pam telling Flynn that they may have had a change of plans. "Maybe I've changed my mind and don't want you to go antiquing tomorrow." Pam knew that she didn't mean that. She, Amelia, and Flynn's favorite antique store is The Old Painted Cottage. She would never break Flynn's heart by not taking her. They were like three peas in a pod.

Flynn put her phone down by her side and said to Pam, "I'm going if mom says that I can. You know that you want me to go. We always go together." She got back on the phone with me and said, "Well, can I go? Amelia's coming home tonight and she wants to buy some new stuff." Flynn began to whisper. "You know how she likes to clean and shop when something's wrong. Something must be wrong with Copley. It can't be good because she was fussing and using a lot of bad words when she called Pam tonight. It was not pretty, mom. It has to be bad."

"Maybe but it's none of your business. You stay out of it now. You ain't got anything to do with it." She hated to hear me say that … the word ain't. She always says that the Bon Temps is coming out of me. I always say born and raised and proud of it. "And you stop that sassin', young lady. Pam is still an adult and you will respect her. She was right. You knew better than messing around with that razor. You apologize to her or no antiquing at all. You will spend the day with Grace if you don't mind your manners. Are you hearing me?"

"Yes ma'am; I'm hearing you." She didn't realize that the Bon Temps that she says is in me, is in her as well. She has the Bon Temps and New York thing going on. She sounds even weirder than I do.

"I don't want to hear your disrespect again, young lady."

"Yes ma'am. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. Are you mad at me?" she asked. I could tell by her baby voice that she was about to cry.

"No one's mad at you. You don't have to cry. We'll just work on making it better. Look, I have an idea. I thought that we could go out to dinner after I get off work tomorrow night. Will you be home in time for us to hang out? I want to spend some time with my daughter too, ya know. Can you find the time to pencil me in?"

She started to giggle. "Let me get with my secretary and I'll get back with you. I don't see why I wouldn't be able to. Would you mind if I placed you on a brief hold? It'll only take a minute."

"Oh sure; I don't mind waiting. I understand how busy you are."

When she put me on hold, she started humming a little tune. "Pam!" she soon yelled. "Will we be back in time for me to have dinner with my mom?"

"Yes, Flynn and why are you yelling? You're on a cell phone. You can walk in here if you have something to say," Pam said.

"You're too far away," she yelled again. "I don't want to go that far to ask a question when I can just yell!"

"Damn, you're as loud as your mother. Before you hang up with her, let me know. I need to talk to her. And yes, we'll be back in time, big mouth."

"Mmm 'kay," Flynn yelled again. "I'm sorry for yelling but Pam's in her office sketching. That's too far away down the hall but she said yes. We'll be back in time," she said to me after she finished yelling at Pam. "Are we going somewhere fancy? I want to go somewhere fancy. Can we dress up?"

I laughed at my child. "Yes we can. Hey, little lady, did you enjoy the museum today?"

"I loved it! I would go to the museum everyday if I could." I could almost see her smiling. "Art is the most wonderful thing that this world has to offer."

As soon as she was old enough to understand, Pam had her in the museums every weekend. Pam was the best babysitter anyone could ever need or want. She taught my child instead of sitting her in front of the television and out of all that she's learned, art is her favorite. Flynn went on and on about the art that she saw. The paintings and the sculptures were all that she talked about. She loves Picasso and Francisco Goya. She's especially into the newer artists. She says that she sees so much potential in them. I laugh every time she says that. Whenever we go to the museum, I get a kick out of seeing the joy on her face when we walk through the doors. She looks at each piece as if it was the first time she's ever seen it.

I chuckled. I guess Gran was right. When you have a child, everything is brand new.

"I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Guess what I had for dinner?"

"Tuna salad and warm water; I'm sorry that I forgot to put the water in the fridge. You told me this morning that is what you were going to eat and drink. And I'm sorry but I have to go. Pam's standing over my shoulder waiting for me to give her the phone. I will see you tomorrow night and I love you."

"I love you too." I heard her telling Pam that she was sorry for talking back to her and that she would do her best not to do it again. I heard kisses and Pam told her that it's okay. Only one thing came to mind while I waited for Pam to get on the phone.

Shit.

I may as well get the ball rolling. "How's the boutique going? I got your invitation to the grand opening. I'm going to bring Einin and Todd with me. I'm sure that Douglas is going to love it since he performs in the drag shows. He's always bragging about the great clothes that you have. I'll bet dollars to donuts …"

"Shut-up," she said. "You're rambling."

"Okay," I whispered. I sighed and said, "Go ahead and say what you have to say."

"I planned on it," she confirmed. "Sookie, have you had a chance to speak with him today?" For her not to say his name, I knew that Flynn was still in the room with her.

I sighed before answering her. "Yeah but we haven't had any real chance to talk. We were at work, Pam. And anyway, I could've told him in Sweden if he'd …"

"Don't say it," she interrupted. "You've had other times to tell him, Sookie and you didn't do it. I told you that this time would come. We could've avoided all of this if you'd have let me tell him. You can't hold it off any longer. He's here now. He needs to know."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I'm going to tell him about her. It's just so hard for me to do. Put yourself in my shoes. He's been gone for over ten years. Since he's been gone, I've seen him three times and that includes my week in Sweden; which was supposed to have been a two weeks after much consideration and persuading. It didn't happen. Things didn't go as planned, Pam. What am I supposed to do? What do you expect me to do?" My voice began to quiver and my pulse started racing.

"Sookie, are you okay?" she whispered.

Before I could answer her, she told Flynn to leave the room. "Flynn, go into your room and watch the idiot box. And on your way down the hall, don't you make any detours. Do you understand me?"

"Okay," Flynn said. "Is my mom okay?" I could hear the concern in her voice.

"She's fine," Pam assured her.

"Promise?" Flynn asked.

"I do. Now go and watch TV or go and play," Pam ordered.

"Can I play with your lipstick?"

"No ... go on ... and don't get it all over the place. And no razors," she added.

"'Kay," Flynn answered.

Pam was as big a push over when it came to Flynn as I was. When Flynn was gone, Pam came back to the phone. "You're scaring me. What has happened?"

"What am I supposed to do about Eric, Pam? The time in Sweden was a bust. I saw him three times while I was there. Three times, Pam. Appius made sure that my trip to see Eric didn't work out. He made sure that Eric was always working or in a meeting of some sort. The dinner that Eric and I went to, the fancy one, I ate with Stan and Russell. I didn't get to see much of Eric at all. I danced with Stan most of the night. Eric was off doing what he was being trained to do and whatever that was, it didn't include me. I was tired of being alone so I left alone.

"When I packed my bags that night, Appius came into my and Eric's room and reminded me that I was never going to fit in and he made sure that I didn't. Maybe Eric agreed with him. Maybe that's why he never responded to any of my letters after my trip. Maybe his dad was right, Pam. Maybe my time with Eric was over. I got pregnant out of high school. Eric already had too much on him. He was responsible for his mom's burdens and I couldn't add to them. I would've just been another burden."

"I see," she said. Pam then mumbled something that I couldn't quite understand but before I could ask her to repeat it, she said, "I'm so sorry."

"There's no reason to apologize," I said. "This wasn't your doing. Appius told me to stay away because I was nothing but a distraction to Eric … reminded him of something that he could never have. That's what I've done. I've stayed away. I don't want to make things any harder for Eric than they already are. Under any other circumstances, I would have never stopped at writing the letters. I would have gone back to him. I would've called him. I wanted him with me; more than anything, I wanted him with me but he never replied to one letter. Not one response to any of the invitations. When I didn't hear from him, I just assumed that he didn't want to be involved with her … with us. That's why I've left it alone. I love him, Pam, but I loved him enough to let him go."

Pam whispered that she was so sorry. "Why didn't you let me go with you? I told you that I wanted to be with you but you insisted on doing it alone. You didn't have to. I would've been there. I would've stood by you. I would've made sure that you and Eric had your privacy."

"Your mom had been rushed to the hospital, Pam, and she needed you. You had no other choice and it was what had to be done. I couldn't do that to you … expect you to leave your mother's side to be with me. Why do we have to keep going over this? What else can I expect you to do for me, Pam? You've uprooted your entire life for me. You've been a wonderful mother #2 to my child. I couldn't take anymore from you. I did what I had to do," I whispered. "If my distance is what works, then I'll give him my distance. What choices do I have?"

Pam suddenly asked, "What did he mean by burdens? Did he ever tell you what that meant to him … to you?"

I shook my head no. "He never did. I never really asked because I got the feeling that it was something that he didn't want to discuss. He didn't seem to like it. After our weekend, Eric said that things were different with his dad. He and Appius were even worse with each other. They were arguing. Eric told me that he would have to do things that would affect us. He wouldn't go any further with his explanations."

Pam then fell silent.

"Hey," I said. "What's going on over there?"

"He has no more contact with Appius," she said.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"He told me not to," she said. "He didn't want you to worry; especially with him being so far away. They had a serious falling out and he's cut Appius completely out of his life. And he's been doing just fine," she mumbled.

I frowned and asked, "What does that mean?"

"Eric has made sure that he hasn't been alone," Pam said. "He's seen his share of women."

I take that he was keeping company with many of women that I'd heard he'd been dating. What did I expect? He's a good looking and sexy man. "Is he seeing anyone now?"

"I can't say," she answered. "Anyway, he and Appius have no relationship at all," she said. "As soon as Eric was able, he fired his dad and everyone that worked for him; Clancy, André, and Victor. Though he's no longer associated with Eric on a business level so to speak, Victor is still around … lurking in the shadows."

I couldn't believe my ears. "How did this come to be … firing his dad, I mean?"

"When Erica died, she left everything to Eric. He became a whiz in the business world and he owned it. Appius thought that Eric was going to need him but he didn't," she chuckled. "Eric's a fucking giant in the corporate world."

I was in shock … not about Eric being outstanding at his job. That was a given as far as I'm concerned. I needed to hear her say it again. "Appius is gone?"

"Yep," she said. "He had total control of everything that belonged to his wife," she finished. "Because Eric wasn't of age, it all fell to him."

"Total?" I asked.

"Total," she repeated. "Everything that she had, she left to Eric and Appius didn't like it. He thought that everything was going to be his because he was her husband. Sorry to say, he was sorely mistaken. Eric said that his dad was extremely upset when he'd learned that he didn't get anything that belonged to Erica. He was spitting nails. He went into that marriage with nothing and left with just as much."

When Pam said that, I thought about the last thing I'd heard Eric say to his father. "Eric and his dad had it out that last night we were together. His dad didn't want to let me in the house. Eric told him that it was his house and that I could come in if I wanted to. He looked at his dad as if he dared him to say anything. And guess what? Appius didn't say a word."

She laughed. "He couldn't," she said. "Where would he have gone if Eric had put him out?"

Then realization hit me square in the gut.

"Pam," I said. "When did all of this take place? When did he cut Appius out of his life?"

Pam got quiet. I couldn't even hear her breathing.

"Pam, tell me."

Pam still didn't say anything.

"Pam?"

"About five years ago," she replied.

I closed my eyes and placed my hand to my heart.

"Sookie, are you okay?"

I nodded and said, "Yes. Tell me something else. Who is Freyda Madden?"

She was quiet once again.

"What do you know?" I asked.

She sighed and said, "It's not my place to tell you but if he doesn't, I will. I give you my word. I've already told him that."

"Burdens?" I asked.

"Huge ones," she replied. "If you really want him back, we can get him back."

"How?" I asked.

"My father knows people, Sookie. He's an excellent businessman. He's dabbled in a little bit of everything. He has lots of people on payroll that handle the important issues. Some of them handle the dirty jobs. Because you're like a sister to me, he'll give you whatever it is that you want. My father has always looked out for us. If you need him, you need only tell me and I will have it handled."

Frowning, I asked, "Us?"

"Yes, us," she said. "We're family. Just ask and he'll give you a loan and each of Eric's burdens will disappear."

"I don't need a loan," I said. "I'm quite comfortable in my life. You know that. Why would you say that?"

When she stayed silent, I went over her offer in my mind. People to handle the important issues. Dirty jobs. I guess that was the naïve country girl in me but her silence spoke volumes.

"Pam!" I said. I looked around my bedroom as if someone was in here with me. "We can't do that. You stop that!"

"All I have to do is ring him up and he'll do it for me. He was an absentee parent and to make up for it, he'll do anything that I ask of him. My daddy loves me and all I have to say is 'We need you, daddy'. It only takes a phone a call, Sookie and it can be done. No one will ever know. He can make it look as if it was an accident or natural causes … business dealings gone wrong. He can make it slow or quick; painless or painful. It's your choice. He only needs a name."

"You're serious?"

"Very," she said. Her voice was stern and angry. "I'll give you a chance to think it over but let me give you something to think about, my dearest friend. We can end them all. He may not have a dime to his name but do you think that Appius doesn't know that Eric's in New York and so are you? What if he or that bitch Freyda is the one that hid the letters from Eric? What if Appius decides to come after you and Flynn to hide what he's done? He's had far too much power over your lives and it's time for him to relinquish it."

"That's not fair," I said. "I can't make that type of decision. I can't make decisions about whether someone lives or dies. I can't do that."

She gave a sarcastic snort. "That dickend has planned your entire life for you and you are giving him consideration. He's taken it upon himself to decide whether or not your daughter will know her father and you can't make that type of decision. Think it over. You'll make the right decision soon enough. It's not about deciding whether or not he lives or dies. It's about you deciding to live as you should; with Eric and his child."

"I'll never decide to do that."

She chuckled as she said, "I know different. When it comes to family, you'll do anything to protect them. You'll see."

"Have you ever ...?" I trailed off.

"That doesn't matter. We're not talking about me." She waited awhile before she spoke again. "Do you want to go antiquing with us tomorrow?"

I couldn't believe it. She'd changed the subject just like that; as if we were talking about gardening and not putting a hit on someone. What is wrong with this picture?

"No. I can't. I have to go to work tomorrow. That's why I want to spend a little time with Flynn tomorrow night. We haven't really talked much this week. We had dinner out but it was rushed. She had piano lessons every day. I worked longer hours and by the time I'd gotten home, Grace had already put Flynn to bed. I know that we went out to dinner last night but that was the only real time I've had with her all week. I need some daughter time."

"Well, if you get off work before we go, we have room."

"Okay," I answered. "Oh, by the way, how's Copley?"

I could almost see Pam rolling her eyes. "That conceited wanker is fine. He's divorcing wife number five and needed Amelia to baby him for a couple of days, is all. He'll be remarried before you know it. I'll give him until next week. Goodnight, Sookie. I love you."

"I love you too, and Pam, I'm not going to do it."

"Okay. Goodnight." I could hear her laughing as she hung up the phone.

Afterwards, I settled into bed with the new John Grisham book thinking that he would help take Pam's suggestion out of my mind but he didn't.

Pam.

She spoke of ending someone's life as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do; make a call and that's that. I couldn't do that. That would make me a murderer. I would be hiring a hit man. Jesus Christ, Sheppard of Judea. My grandparents would be ashamed of me. I refused to think such things. My grandparents would have no reason to be ashamed because I would never do anything like that. Everything's going to be fine. We'll be fine.

I returned my attentions back to my book and said, "No, we don't have a thing to be worried about."

There are other ways.