23

Not Even as a Man

I'm sorry that a couple of guest reviewers find it hard to like Eric. I thought that I'd made him likeable. He couldn't help the circumstances that his parents laid out for him. I kind of pity what's happened to him because it's quite obvious that he didn't have a choice in what's happened to him. Furthermore, his complete backstory hasn't been given. No one knows what's happened to put him in the situation that he's in.

I'm sorry that you don't like him; though I can't decipher what it is that you don't like about him. Maybe it's his caveman ways when it comes to Sookie; just like in the books. She was his. Or at least he wanted her to be. Maybe it's more acceptable when he's a vampire and not human. Is that it? Just like in the books, Appius took away all of Eric's choices until he'd set him free for a little while. And just like in the books, he was enslaved to a set circumstances that he wanted no part of. He'd fight and fight but got no relief. Even after all of that, I still adored Eric because I saw him as the underdog. Think about it.

Appius mistreated him. Sophie Ann used him because of his strengths and access to Sookie. Freyda and De Castro enslaved him because of Appius. Sookie was the only light in his life and she didn't even fight for him. Eric was a victim of circumstance throughout the series but that's just my opinion. He was raped for years by Appius, but not in this story. He was afraid to be happy for the fear of Appius knowing that he'd felt anything other than his life force strumming through the bond. He was sentenced to a life of contentment and nothing more. He couldn't even be happy because he was afraid that his maker would return for him. This story has almost the same angle. The only difference is that he's not vampire. He was sentenced to being a sex slave for Freyda for 200 years and all to save Sookie.

I wanted to change that. In this story, I want Sookie to fight for her family ... Flynn and Eric. I didn't want it to be about Eric being the only one fighting for them to be together as it was in the books. She never went to see him unless she needed something. She never called him just to talk to him. She didn't try to help him get out of that contract. He was the only one looking for an out when it came to that contract. She had the means to save him and she deserted him to his circumstances just like everyone else. Everyone but Pam. How shitty was that?

This time, in this story, I want Sookie to find the out. He may already be married but so what? It's finally going to be about her being happy. To take what she wants regardless of what anyone else thinks. In the books, I believed that she was in love with him but she was too busy trying to please everyone else instead of pleasing herself. So what if she kissed him in front of Freyda? She killed Lorena for Bill. It was cool when she did that. It was just a kiss. Eric told Freyda in front of Sookie that he doesn't love her. He's never loved her. He loves Sookie. I wanted Sookie to have her happiness this time. I want them both to have their happy. In the books, they'd sacrificed themselves for others from the very beginning. Not this time. They're going to sacrifice the feelings of others instead of their own. All of my stories are about Eric and Sookie getting their happily ever after. I don't write weak Sookies. She may be sad and forlorn at times but that happens to all of us. Even the strong ones.

In the books, Sookie had spent her entire life living for and pleasing everyone else. Not this story. She's going to get her man. This is her chance and she's going to take it. She's not going to be a doormat in this story. She's not going to sit back and let another woman take him. She's not going to settle for second best. She's going to take the best. She's not going to apologize for her need to be happy. I won't let her. And if you don't like my Sookie or my story, don't read it and don't ruin it for the rest of us.

Anyway, I hope that this chapter makes you feel a little bit of pity for Eric or maybe even like him … just a little bit? Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe he won't be seen as wuss? Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe my reasoning for writing my story the way that I have will give you an idea of what I'm doing. Maybe. Maybe not.

I hope that my explanation doesn't come off as being rude because that's not my goal. I just wanted to explain why I'm writing my story the way that I am.

And ericplenty, you are exactly right. There is wi-fi in this hotel. Why not put it to good use by posting another chapter? Why not post it tonight? Guess what? I'm going to take your advice. So here ya go! Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and alerts. And don't hesitate to let me know what y'all think. I'll be back Saturday morning and as soon as I get everything together, I'll post another chapter.

Anywho, I hope that y'all enjoy. And as always, the story idea is mine but these wonderful characters belong to Charlaine Harris.

During the first hour, I took another shower and changed my pajamas. I had to. My nerves were such a mess that I'd sweated so that I had no choice. I put on my Tweety Bird and Sylvester footie pajamas. They always make me feel safe and comfortable. And for tonight, I really need these pajamas. Eric was later than I'd expected and I was beyond worried. I was afraid that something had happened to him. I needed some type of comfort. Thank God for Tweety Bird and Sylvester.

Now during the second hour, I've been cleaning when there's nothing to clean. I've been scrubbing when I didn't have to. I guess my nerves are getting the best of me. It didn't help that Eric hadn't gotten here yet either. It was almost 11:00. I began to pace back and forth. Maybe I should call Pam and tell her to call him so that she can find out where he is and if he's still coming. He's changed his mind and he's not going to show up after all. Maybe's he's decided that something could keep him away. What if …?

The knock at the door made me jump. My nerves were so jumbled that I was a complete and utter mess. I sighed as I composed myself and walked to open the door.

When I opened it, there he was but he didn't look my Eric. He looked as if he didn't know who or where he was. Just standing there. Looking lost and confused. I held the door open and asked, "Do you want come in?"

For a minute, it was as if he didn't hear me. He stared at me for a long minute before he made a move in my direction. I looked up at him as I closed the door. I touched him briefly as I asked, "Are you okay?"

"No," he said.

I walked over to the couch and sat down and waited.

After a minute or two, he decided to follow me. And still he said nothing.

"Eric," I said. "What's going on with you?"

When he cocked his head to the side, I saw it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. He knows. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knows. Someone told him before I had the chance to. And I knew who it was. That fucking bitch!

"Is Flynn mine?" he asked in a whispered voice. "Is she my daughter?"

Though I knew it was coming, I tried to brace myself for the question. It didn't work. It still surprised me to the point to where I couldn't say anything. I was completely blindsided and dumbstruck.

"I take it that she is," he said.

I swallowed but still said nothing.

"I feel so betrayed," he said as he flopped down on the couch. "I've missed out on nine years of her life." He looked at me and when he did, I'd never seen him look so desperate … so lost. "Do you blame me? Do you blame me because I had to go away?" He began to shake his head no. "I never would've left you if I'd been given a choice. I wouldn't have left you to raise our daughter on your own. I wouldn't have done that to you. Everything else in my life would be nothing more than a nightmare. I would have been with you. I would be with you." He gripped my hand in his. "You know that, don't you? You know that I'm not that type of man."

What?

"Of course I know that. I don't doubt you."

"Then why didn't you tell me? Is it because I left?" he asked. "Pam knows. Pam knows that I have a daughter. Why didn't she tell me when she'd come to visit me in Sweden? I would've come to you."

"I asked her not to tell you," I said. "I wanted to be the one to tell you. She's our daughter and it was up to me to let you know."

"Make me understand," he said. "Make me understand why you didn't tell me. Tell me why you didn't come to me. Was it me?" he repeated.

My mouth opened but nothing came out. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to begin.

"Answer me, please," he begged.

I said, "I came to you, Eric." I scooted in closer to him so that I could begin giving him an idea of what happened when I went to Sweden to visit him. "Why do you think I went to Sweden? I went there to tell you that I was pregnant. You didn't get to spend any time with me during my visit. I tried talking to you. I tried setting up romantic dinners but they never came to be because your dad was always in the way."

I shrugged my shoulders as I continued. "After not getting to see much of you or being able to spend any quiet time with you, I decided that maybe that's how you wanted things to be so I left but I never stopped trying to tell you about our daughter. I'd call you and your dad or someone else would get my calls. I was told that you were in a meeting or that you were out of town. I would leave message after message and I'd hear nothing back from you." I dropped my eyes to the floor and said, "I thought that you were over me so I stopped calling. I didn't want to hear the distance in your voice so I decided to write to you instead."

"I've never been over you," he said as he looked at the side of my face.

"I didn't know."

He looked even sadder than he did previously.

I sadly continued on with my story. "I wrote to you every day," I swore as I looked up and into his eyes. "Every, single day. I wrote you time and time again and told you about her. I sent you pictures and invited you to birthday parties and family dinners during the holidays and nothing. I heard nothing from you."

"I would've come," he whispered. "If I'd known, I would've come."

"I know that now," I said. Tears began to glisten in my eyes. "After I didn't hear from you those first few months, I stopped trying to reach you for me. Everything after that was for you and for her. I never wanted you to have to go through your life without knowing that she exists. I never wanted her to go through her life not knowing who you are so I tried." I quickly swiped the tears from my eyes. "I want you to meet her. That's why I wanted you here tonight. That's all I've ever wanted. Please, don't hate me."

He frowned at my words. "I could never hate you, my love. No matter what has happened, I could never hate you."

I released the breath that I didn't realize that I was holding.

He rested his elbows on his knees and ran his hands through his hair. I could only guess that he was taking in everything that I'd said, I'd done and what I didn't do. I wouldn't have been upset if he'd been angry. He'd have every right to be angry. I know that I would be. I would feel that more could've been done to have my child in my life. How could I not expect him to be angry? I could've done more to get to him. Pam offered dozens of times to fly with me to Sweden. She said that it would tickle Eric to death to have seen me pregnant. She's even said that if I'd gone to him that it may have changed things for him. Back then, I didn't understand what that meant but after what happened today, I get it now. Maybe if I'd gone to him, he wouldn't have married Freyda. He would have had another choice that he could've made. If I'd been more forceful with my presence, maybe I'd be his wife.

"When was the last time that you'd sent me a letter?" he asked as he looked at me.

"Her ninth birthday party," I answered with a smile. "It was in March. It was a Swedish festival. It was something that she and Pam planned. I couldn't be involved because I didn't know enough about Sweden. That was Pam's forte. That's what your daughter said to me. Pam's forte."

"My daughter," he whispered.

"Yeah."

He chuckled. And just like that the atmosphere became serious again. "I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you."

"It's okay," I said. "It hasn't always been okay. I blamed myself for so long. Hell, I blamed you but after today, I realized that it wasn't us. It was your dad. It had to have been your dad. Who else would have the reasons to keep us apart?"

Eric's eyes became icy cold. "I can name a few people."

Victor, Freyda, André, and Clancy were the first names to pop into my head.

Before I could let things get too bad, I placed my hand on his thigh and brought him back to now. I had a few questions that I wanted to ask him about tonight. The lawyer in me was making an appearance. "Is Freyda the one that told you about Flynn being your daughter?"

"Yes," he said.

"Did she tell you how she knew? Who'd told her?"

He shook his head no. "I was so upset that I didn't think to ask her. My only thoughts were of you and Flynn. The things I've missed. The father that I could've been for nine years was taken away from me. I've never felt so betrayed in all of my life. It's unfathomable to me that someone would willingly and knowingly do something so punishing to another person. I never thought of myself as a bad person but maybe I am. Perhaps I don't deserve to be a father. Maybe the gods are against me."

I rapidly began to shake my head no. "No, that's not true. You are a wonderful man. There's nothing bad about you. I think that you're fantastic. And you should be a father. You're going to be a wonderful father. Please, don't say that."

"Then why?" he asked. "Why would someone do something like that?"

I stood up from my seat and looked at him. "I can understand your feelings of betrayal but I didn't purposely hurt you. I know that I should've tried harder when it came to you and Flynn. It was never my intention to betray you, Eric."

He then dropped his head.

I moved to stand in front of him. "Eric, if I'd thought that it was at all possible for me to have gotten to you, I would have done everything in my power to make sure that you were there. There was always something or someone in the way of what I was trying to do. I know that I should've tried harder but I did what I had to do." I lifted his face to mine and said, "I never meant to hurt you or betray you. You have to know this. I would never purposely hurt you. You have to believe me."

Tears glistened in his eyes as he looked at me. "When I was eighteen, I gave up everything that I've ever wanted for my mother. I let my father make my decisions for me when I'd learned what my life was going to entail. Sookie, for all of my life, other people have been making my decisions for me. I've never been free. Not even as a man," he said as a tear fell.

I leaned down and kissed it away.

He closed his eyes as he sighed. "I've never been free to live as I want to live. I've never been allowed to make my own decisions. My choices have always been up to someone else. I didn't get to choose you. I didn't get to choose to be a father. Everything that I've ever wanted, I was denied. So, when I say that I feel betrayed, it's not because of you. It's never because of you."

I placed my hand to my mouth as I looked at him. "Oh, Eric."

"I've given them everything," he whispered.

Before I knew it, I had him wrapped in my arms and his arms were around my waist; his head resting on my stomach. "I'm sorry," I said to whispered to him. "I'm so sorry, baby." I kissed the top of his head as he held onto me. I wanted him to hold onto me forever. I never wanted to let him go. And I have no intention of ever losing him again.

"They won't keep you down any longer," I assured him as I kneeled before him. "You won't have to be a prisoner to any obligations that your parents have chained you to. If you want out, we can do this together. You're not alone in this."

"You're with me," he said.

I nodded. "I am. Always. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to reach you. Fear kept me from trying harder."

And just like that, it was as if a three-thousand-pound weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I reached up and kissed him once more before taking my place next to him. "I think that she only told you to keep you away. Did you ever think that I'd purposely deceive you?"

He shook his head no and said, "No. Not once. She's a child. You don't know what my father is capable of. During our high school days, you saw what he wanted you to see. You did what a mother does. You were protecting our child." A shy look then came over his face.

I bumped him with my elbow and asked, "What?"

"Is she awake?"

"No," I answered. "She's sleeping."

"Mom?" I heard her call from the hall.

Well, I thought that she was sleeping.

"Would you bring me some water please?" Flynn asked.

"Yes, baby," I called as I leapt from the couch. "I'll be right in." Looking at Eric, I said, "If it weren't so late, I'd let you get it for her but if she sees you, she'll never get to sleep. I know that it's Saturday but I try not to mess with her schedule."

"I understand. I can wait until in the morning." He was staring down the long empty hallway and said, "She sounds beautiful."

"She is," I said. "Wait right here?"

"I'm not going anywhere," he said.

I went to get Flynn's water and came back to sit with Eric.

"When can I meet her?"

"In the morning," I said. "Before you meet her, I have more to tell you." And then I remembered my manners. "Are you thirsty? "We have water and some fruit juices; grape, apple, and cranberry. I have wine and I think I have some type of beer in there."

"No, thank you," he said with a smile.

"Okay but if you change your mind, the kitchen is that way and to the right," I said. I then inhaled deeply as to prepare myself for my rehearsed speech. "Do you remember that dinner party that we went to while I was in Sweden?"

"I do," he answered. "That was the last night I saw you."

That was the saddest day of my life. "When I'd excused myself and went to the bathroom, Appius was waiting for me when I came out. He told me that he could see that I felt awkward and that I didn't fit in. He said that he never wanted that for me but he was glad that it happened. That way I could see that I was never meant to be a part of your world." And as I shrugged my shoulders, I said, "And after the way things went down, I agreed with him. You were totally different around those other people. You were so different that I didn't recognize you. I didn't know that Eric. He was a stranger to me. And I got the feeling that I was in the way."

"You weren't in the way," he said.

"How was I to know?" I asked. "I saw you three times and I was there for five days. Three times, Eric, and that was when you were getting off work and that damned dinner party. We were supposed to go sightseeing that day but that damned dinner party was so important. Your dad insisted that you make an appearance. That big, elaborate dinner; I spent that entire night alone standing off in a corner holding my glass of champagne and the little dignity that I had left. You were off talking to this connection and that connection." I then began to giggle. "At least we did get to play around a little bit while I was there. We made love on those nights but we never got to talk. You'd be so tired that you'd fall asleep soon after."

He laughed with me. "You wore me out."

I laughed with him. "It had been so long."

"Three months is a long time for a couple of horny teenagers," he agreed.

As our laughter subsided, I continued on with my story. "At that dinner, before the bathroom incident, Appius asked me how things were going. I'd told him that I hadn't had any real chance to talk with you. And do you know what he said to me? He said that he knew the reasons why. It was because you didn't have time for me. He said that I needed to leave. And I agreed with him," I whispered. "It was easy for me to believe him because you were always so busy. Before I'd planned on leaving, I sat at one of the tables alone and watched you. You were being crowded by a bunch of guys. Stan said that they were money grubbers. I sat there and waited and waited. You didn't even notice it when I left."

He looked longingly in my eyes. "Yes, I did. I watched you as you danced with Stan."

"He was nice." I looked down at the floor as I blushed. "He and Mr. Edgington were so nice to me. They danced with me. Talked with me. They made me feel a little better but I didn't want to be with them. I wanted you but you weren't there. So, I left the next day while you were working."

I inhaled as I continued. "So, since I didn't get a chance to tell you while I was in Sweden that I was pregnant, I wrote to you every day … every single day. I told you everything that was going on in my life … what I was doing … how I was feeling but then you never replied. Not too long after my visit, your letters stopped. When yours stopped and when you never replied to the letters or the invitations, I'd assumed that you were done and that you didn't want to be a father."

He shook his head and said, "I would've never done that to you."

"I've told you this because I want you to know why I left and what happened. It had nothing to do with not wanting to tell you about Flynn. I just didn't belong there," I explained.

As he looked at me, I noticed that his eyes were all of sudden icy and cold. They looked like the blue eyes of a snake. "Appius said those things to you and you didn't tell me?" Eric spoke as if he could have protected me from his father and his father's henchmen.

"What could you have done?" I asked. "You couldn't even stay in Louisiana with me. You couldn't even go to the college of your choice. You couldn't have stopped your father from telling me the truth about the world that you're a part of. It was something that I needed to hear. And anyway, what could you have done?"

He scooted away from me and looked me square in my eyes. "You see me as a coward? Do you think I'm weak?"

"No," I answered simply. "I've never thought that about you. You used to always protect me. You were my knight in shining armor. When it came to your father, I saw his son. I saw the BOY that I loved. I saw you as a teenager with no power at all. He is your dad, Eric," I explained. "He didn't care that we loved each other. He cared about no one but his and your image and I wasn't a part of it. I didn't fit in and I didn't need to be told that anymore."

For the next few minutes, we sat there in silence. I didn't know what to say so I did what I had to do. I leaned forward and I took the cherry wood box from the coffee table and placed it gently on his lap. He looked at the box and then he looked at me.

"This is for you," I said. "I have been saving this for you for over nine years."

Eric ran his hand over the lid of the box. Without looking at me, he asked, "You saved nine years of your life for me?"

"Nine years of our life," I said. "I did that for you. I'd hoped that you'd decide to come around. I'd talked to Pam about going to Sweden this summer with Flynn so that you could meet her. It was time. I was no longer going to give your father control over our lives. You needed to know. This is what we were going to bring but since you're her now, this is for you."

He removed the key from the top of the box and placed it into the lock. He looked at me just as the lock clicked.

I held my breath.

S/N: If any of y'all are from Florida, I want to let you know that this is the most beautiful state that I've ever visited. I can't wait to come back for my vacation. It's a little muggy but it's still gorgeous.