"The New Girl"
Rated T for Teen.
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I take a deep breath letting it out slowly, tears welling up in my eyes, and I say it out loud to them for the very first time…
"I'm gay."
Chapter 22: Is Everyone Gay?
Emily POV
Silence. I don't think anyone knows what to say to me. Until of course Hanna finally blurts out…
"I knew it! Or at least the Jessica Fletcher in me did!"
"Hanna!" Spencer scolds.
"Em, I'm so happy for you! It's been killing me not to say anything to you."
"What Hanna is trying to say, Em, is you're the one who needed to come to us. It wasn't our place to assume or suggest," Spencer corrects.
"You knew?" I ask surprised and embarrassed.
"I saw you and Maya kiss at the sleepover. I told Spencer but she wasn't convinced I saw what I saw. I wanted to say something but Spencer is right, it wasn't my place."
"So that's what all the questions and inferences were about," I say.
"Well, I was trying to discreetly find out. It's not like you were being forthcoming with information," she explains. "That's right, forthcoming, word of the day calendar!"
"You were watching us kiss at the sleepover?" Maya narrows her eyes at her in a playful way.
"I didn't mean to. It just happened. But whatever, I'm so happy for you Em," she hugs me excitedly.
Spencer gets up and hugs me too, "We love you Emily no matter who you like and I'm kind of glad it's Maya. But Maya, how could you keep that from me?" she smiles kiddingly.
"Hey, it wasn't my secret to tell," she smiles back at her best friend Spencer.
"And, I'm not ready for the whole town to know so can you guys just not say anything until I'm ready to."
"Of course, Em, it's for you to say not us," Spencer assures her.
"You two make an awesome couple. You look so good together. And damn I bet the sex is incredible!"
"Hanna!" Spencer scolds again.
"Good girls never tell," Maya says.
"You don't strike me as a good girl Maya," Hanna quickly wisecracks.
"Maya, is the most wonderfully patient secret girlfriend a girl could ever hope for."
"Aww, baby," she kisses me sweetly on the lips in front of Spencer and Hanna and I don't mind. I really don't mind!
"You guys are too cute!" Hanna can't stop oooing and ahhing over us.
I smile bashfully because I've never kissed a girl in front of anyone before. But I think I could do it again!
"So does this mean that Pam predisposed Emily to being gay? Again, word of the day calendar! God I love that thing!"
"I hate to say it but Hanna has a point," Spencer turns the conversation to a more serious tone.
"I don't know what to make of my mother. I really don't. She loves my dad I know it but if they're having problems, then I'm not aware of any. They seem solid. This whole thing is, I don't even know," I bury my hands in my face so tired of thinking about it and then I feel a protective, nurturing hand caress my back and I know I'll get through whatever this is. I love you.
"Em, we saw what we saw and I think the only thing you can do is confront her. Will you be able to though?" Spencer rationalizes.
"I have to agree with Spencer, Ems, all this following your mom around business isn't healthy. You need to know for sure what's going on," Maya agrees with Spencer.
"What am I supposed to say?"
"How 'bout, mom, goes giving a woman a rose and then kissing her mean you're gay?" Hanna so bluntly suggests.
"Hanna!" Spencer scolds a third time.
"What! That's exactly what happened! I would say that and then see how she answers."
"Hanna makes another good point but maybe soften your approach," Maya offers a comforting hug.
"Do you want us to stay with you Emily? To back you up?" Spencer asks.
"I don't think so; I need to do this on my own. I need to know what she's doing. I really don't think she's gay because I know I am and I know what that feels like. And for me it feels so right," I gaze into Maya's patient brown eyes.
"All right then, Hanna and I are gonna go. Just call if you need anything. It doesn't matter the time, we're here for you."
Spencer and Hanna hug me and I can feel how much they care about me. I'm so glad I told them. I feel stronger for it. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being openly comfortable with whom I am.
"So, baby, do you want me to go to?" Maya asks so adoringly.
"Actually, could you stay with me until she comes home?" I smile shyly and I don't know why, it just happens sometimes.
"Sure baby, anything for you."
We lie together on the couch covered by a blanket waiting and waiting for my mother to get home. But I really don't mind the wait because I'm in Maya's arms and after my big reveal I kinda feel like I might be ready. Her eyes are closed when I look at her and I'm thinking, "Oh how I do want you Maya St. Germain. I want you to be my first. I want you to love me the way you think I should be loved. I want you to take your time with me. I want you to…
The door opens. The door closes. Mother.
"Maya, wake up, she's here."
She "Mmm's" and holds me closer.
"My mom's home. Maya, please wake up," I gently shake her arm so she'll snap out of her sleepiness.
"What, huh, Em, what is it?"
"She's home."
We sit up on the couch when she walks into the family room.
"Oh, Maya, you are here. I thought I recognized your car. Is everything alright you two?"
"Actually, I was just leaving. Emily didn't want to be alone so I said I would hang out with her."
"You're too good Maya. Thank you."
"Well, okay then, call me tomorrow?"
She almost goes to kiss me but then remembers that we're not a couple in my mother's eyes.
I walk her out.
"I'm here for you Ems. Okay?" I love you.
I close the door just as my mom is about to go upstairs, "Well, I guess I'll say good night too."
"Oh no you won't," I say with an aggressive tone.
"What? What did you say to me?" My mother challenges my tone.
"You were out with Natalie Kahn tonight."
"So," she steps down from the stairs curious as to where I'm going with this.
"So, you went to the city. You were drinking at a club. You gave each other a rose. And you kissed." I can't believe I said it so candidly, just like Hanna said I should!
"Emily! What are you talking about?"
"Don't lie," I go in the other room and come back with the rose.
Her eyes open wide.
"You and Natalie Kahn are not just friends," I throw the rose at her.
"Emily, stop. You don't know what you're talking about," she knows I've got her and she tries to remedy the situation.
"I don't?" I fold my arms across my chest, "Then enlighten me."
"Let's sit down."
I'm reluctant.
"Please Emily," she says sincerely.
I roll my eyes practically behind my head and do as is requested of me.
"Emily, I'm not even sure where to begin." You kissed a girl and you liked it!
"How 'bout the story you told about Afghanistan and being there for each other," I remind her.
"That's not a story. That's real. And that's how all of this started."
"All of this?" I question her sincerity.
"Look Emily, Natalie is good for me right now."
"What!"
"Okay, let me rephrase. We have a lot in common. We've been seeing a lot of each other. We like to have fun together. We like being close."
"Did you fuck her?"
"Emily! Watch your tone!"
"Well did you?!"
"Natalie and I are none of your business," she's shutting down.
"Are you shitting me right now mom! You're married to my dad, so yeah, it is my business!"
"Emily, stop."
"No I won't stop! You're carrying on with another woman mom! Another woman! Are you a lesbian?"
"A lesbi-who?"
"So then you're bi-curious."
"Emily, I love your father. I do."
"Whoa, don't even. Don't even mention him right now," I say pissed.
"I wish you hadn't found out this way. Who told you anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I know."
"I don't know what to say Emily."
"Are you going to keep seeing her?" I'm not sure I want to know her answer.
"Yes, I am."
"That's fucked up in so many ways mom." I have no idea what's happening. I feel like none of this is real.
"It's not, not to me it isn't."
"Then what mom, what's making you do this," I soften my expression.
"I needed someone and she was that someone."
"Needed someone? You have me."
"Not for this Emily."
"Not for what?"
"I didn't want to tell you like this."
"Tell me what." Now she's scaring me.
"I'm sorry honey, I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how. And when Natalie found out, she was wonderful and things just sort of happened. I need her right now Emily. I need her," she kneads her hands nervously.
"For what?"
"Emily, I found a lump on my breast."
"What! Why didn't you say something?" Now I'm worried!
"I was too scared to. But Natalie was there for me. I had a biopsy and it turned out to be benign. I don't have cancer Emily. I'm fine. But the thought that I could, made me realize how lonely I was. I needed someone by my side."
"But mom, I would be by your side."
"I don't mean my daughter."
"Are you two in love?"
"It's a different kind of love honey. It's like she's holding your father's place and I'm holding her husband's place. And it works."
"Mom, I don't even know what to say about any of this except that when two women are attracted to each other it's usually because they're gay."
"I'm not gay."
"Then what are you?"
"I love my best friend."
"Mom! That's called being gay!" I feel myself getting all riled up again!
"No! I'm not gay!"
"Then what are you?"
"I don't know. I just don't know."
"So let me get this straight, you and Natalie are two women who love each other, but you're not gay?"
"Exactly."
"Well guess what? I'm in love with Maya and I am gay!"
"You're in love with who and you're what?!" Now she gets all riled up!
"I'm in love with Maya."
"Emily, you just broke up with Ben and now suddenly you're in love with Maya?"
"Mom, I broke up with Ben because I feel nothing for guys. I like girls. And when I met Maya, she confirmed it for me. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt happy."
"You've always been happy Emily. How can you say that?"
"It was all just a show. I was so sad inside, that is, until I became honest with myself. Sounds like that's something you need to try."
And with that I retreat to my bedroom throwing myself face first onto my pillows, unable to listen to any more of this.
I'm disappointed my mom didn't feel she could tell me about her health scare. But I'm relieved that she's okay. I don't understand this non-gay lesbian thing going on with her and it's whatever I guess. I'm more concerned about my dad. And the more I think about it the angrier I become. I need a distraction. I need Maya.
I sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. I have to see her. I have to be with her. I race through the darkness not stopping for anything, ignoring all the nighttime sounds around me. I remove the key from its hiding place and unlock her door as quietly as I can. I return the key and go inside. I shut the door and lock it as soundlessly as possible. I carefully and noiselessly ascend the staircase to Maya's room. I open her door and close it behind me. I sit on the edge of her bed tapping her lightly so she'll wake up. I tap and I tap…
"Maya, wake up. Maya, please wake up. It's me Emily."
She stirs opening her eyes and is startled by my presence, sitting up quickly, "Emily, oh my god, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I kneel on the bed, "I need you Maya," I straddle her, "I need to be with you."
And I kiss her with an aggression harbored deep from within that I never knew existed. Her hands steady me at my waist as she returns the aggression through her lips, her tongue, and her mouth. We kiss feverishly. She upends me onto the bed rolling on top of me, rubbing against me. I dig into her back with my nails pulling her shirt up so I can tear at her flesh. This ignites her into a higher gear as her hands feel all over me. Our mouths open, kissing passionately as her hand slips between my legs stroking the seam of my jean shorts. I power her onto her back, kissing her neck, tearing at her clothes, but then I hear her voice pleading with me…
"Emily, no, not like this," she grabs my hands making me stop but my mouth won't.
"No, Emily! Stop!" She forces me onto my back. I never knew she was this strong. She holds me by my wrists hovering over me.
"What, Maya, I want you," I lift my head trying to kiss her but she pulls away.
"Emily, stop it! I said no! This doesn't feel right. What you're doing isn't about us, is it? It's about your mom."
And I start crying and crying and I can't stop. She lets go of me. I'm shaking with tears.
"Come here, Em, it's okay."
I turn my back to her, "I'm sorry," I say with a shaking voice.
"I know baby, it's okay, let me hold you. Let me be your strength."
I feel so stupid and embarrassed by what I just did but here she is being all wonderful and supportive and amazing!
I move closer to her. I look at her with tearful eyes. I smile. We say nothing. I just lie against her crying and soon after I fall asleep in the comfort of her arms…
I love you…
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To Be Continued…
Pam's health is fine. She needed Natalie and her scare brought them together making them quite close. But what will happen when the husbands return home?
Emily keeps her distance from her mom. And she becomes quite shy with her sexuality after coming on so strong with Maya.
Jumping ahead two weeks to the first weekend in October…Homecoming…
After Homecoming jumping ahead to Emily's Birthday…