It was her last day of this life and Ruth couldn't bear to let her eyes close on it, not even for a second.
The dock was freezing, a brisk wind whipping the sails of stray boats and pulling Ruth's hair into her face. She shifted a little closer to Zaf in an attempt to steal some warmth. She didn't want to think too much about how he gently slipped his arm around her shoulder and the way her cheek rested against the leather jacket she had seen him wear nearly every day, because then she remembered that this was the last time she would ever be near him.
It wasn't just losing Zaf, though. He was so kind and gentle and funny, but Ruth also couldn't bear to bid goodbye to anyone else - Malcolm's shared love of knowledge and Jo's pure goodness and even Ros, who after all of this Ruth couldn't bring herself to hate. Ros was MI5's future, they all were, and Ruth didn't want any of their memories to be tainted.
Then she dared to think about Harry, the one dinner they had shared and how she had never felt more content in her life. Then she thought about turning him down after knowing that everyone knew and the look on his face that told he was hurt from her words, and she couldn't bear it.
Ruth turned her face into Zaf's arm and bit her lip hard, gazing across the watery view, London towering in the background. When she had first moved here she was terrified – it was so action-packed and if you blinked you'd miss something terrible or incredible, and whichever way it way it was completely unfamiliar to Ruth. But then she'd met the people at work and forgot about her doubts, finally feeling a part of a team.
Today, she lost them.
It felt horrible to look upon a sunrise with such loathing, so beautiful was the sight, especially as it cast gentle brushstrokes of light across the waves in the dock, rippling off the sails of the drifting boats. But Ruth watched the sun creep a little higher and higher and willed it to stay down, to neglect this new day which would take her away from everything she knew and loved, and everyone that she loved too.
A boat's horn sounded, loudly, piercing the cool morning air. Ruth didn't move an inch.
"You awake?" Zaf's voice was soft. Ruth moved her neck a little, feeling the ache of where it had been resting against the concrete.
"Didn't sleep," she confessed, moving her gaze to Zaf but not meeting his eyes, not wanting to know it was the last time that she could. Instead her eyes skimmed the concrete, grey and ugly, filling her line of vision.
"No. Neither did I," said Zaf.
Ruth moved her eyes to his face this time and wished for nothing else than to not have to move from here, even though the docks were freezing and London was terrifying and she loved every little thing about it now, and wouldn't get another chance to savour it.