Uhura and the Men of the Enterprise Swim Calendar

The Proposition

"Repeat what you just said?"

"I said Admiral Asshole wants the male bridge officers to do a swimsuit calendar. Except Chekov - he's not legal yet everywhere it will be sold." Kirk repeated.

Uhura and Carol Marcus hurt themselves laughing.

"You're serious!?" Carol finally got out.

Across from Kirk, McCoy and Scotty grinned like altar boys stealing sacramental wine. They'd each bet Jim 100 credits that this would be the reaction of the Enterprise's only female senior bridge officers.

"Yes," came back to her in irritation. "I'm serious about the request."

"Well, we've all had a good laugh. Carol and I have a date with the gym -" Uhura chuckled.

A look around the room told her the meeting wasn't over.

"Captain, you're not seriously entertaining this, are you?"

Kirk's examination of the table top was a dead giveaway.

"Yes."

Spohkh, you can't be serious!

K'diwa, the captain's reasons are logical.

Spock calling Jim Kirk logical... The situation must be dire.

The story went like this:

Thanks to:

-*Two psychopaths with big ships and grudges against Earth (really three; whose side Admiral Marcus represented was still under consideration),

-*The ever-growing needs of the Vulcan remnant,

-*Khan's power dive into San Francisco harbor with Starfleet's only advanced star ship,

-*The need to pay planetary governments to play nice with the humbled Federation,

-*And huge settlement payouts to the survivors of all of the above,

Starfleet was -

"Broke!?" Uhura exclaimed, deducing the coming conclusion.

"You have to be kidding!" Carol added, cringing at her family's contribution to the insolvency.

"Not bankrupt 'broke' - more like not-paying-all-the-bills-on-time 'broke'. Some of us on the Enterprise haven't been drawing pay to make payroll."

Carol's head swiveled to Scotty who took a sudden interest in the state of his fingernails. Uhura went the direct route.

Spohkh?

As we have substantial investment income, I deferred my salary. I believe the captain, who has a sizable trust fund, has done so as well.

"Here's the deal I cut with Komack-the-Evil-Admiral and the calendar producers. We get 1,000,000 credits for the shoot whether they use the photos or not. Starfleet gets 30% of that. The remainder we'll deposit in the ship's account on New Vulcan. If the calendar comes out, our cut of the gross is 50% which is split between us, Starfleet and the Federation. Anything we do beyond the calendar is - "

"Who's writing the contract?" Uhura cut in.

The generosity of the deal concerned her. Admiral Jackass would find a way to screw them. Komack hated Kirk as a life choice and Spock and Uhura for being bonded, married, heroes and on the Enterprise. Admiral Old-School wanted all married officers off of Federation star ships and court-martialed for violating Starfleet fratenization regs.

"Spock," Kirk answered. The captain's cheshire cat grin gave her pause.

He clarified his one-word answer for her.

"He retained an attorney to represent us. M'Umbha Uhura of Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura -"

Kirk inhaled like he'd been underwater too long and continued.

"Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura and Wakenfuzi, Attourneys at Law. The boss of the firm took a special interest in us; she's handling our case personally. I hear she's a shark."

Uhura's mother would represent them.

They'd see every dime they were due or heads would roll for centuries until they did - with interest and penalties. Nyota's brother Edward was second in the firm.

Admiral Jackass would be lucky to have his pants when her mother finished with him.