"How was being back home?" Joel asked his girlfriend over dinner. He had come over while she was at work to prepare a quiet dinner in. He felt bad about not seeing her sooner, and he had missed his girlfriend, but deep down, he dreaded seeing her, partly on him and partly on her, afraid of what she would say to him. He's seen it before, how much she truly misses home while talking about her family and friends from once ago. It was only a matter of time before she too saw it. He was afraid she finally figured it out.
"It was good," she smiled. "It was what I needed. You never did say what you had done while I was gone." He found ways to avoid the question, and it was starting to make herself second guess what he had done. She had been home now for a total of two days and yet this was the first time seeing her boyfriend. For the past hour they talked like they hadn't been away from each other for the weekend. But, now, something seemed to be off.
"Writing and editing, nothing too fun," he replied. "Nothing like going home and seeing people you thought you would never be friends with again," he responded with, his words sounding harsher than he intended to.
"Yeah well that was before I left. When I didn't think that things could be worked out," she responded harshly. She didn't want to fight with him. She was looking forward to a night in with her boyfriend to help clear her mind of Wade and what was going on in Bluebell. She still needed a way to tell Joel that she would be going back to attend her ex's wedding and no, she couldn't take him as a date because she was Jesse's date. How was she supposed to tell him that? "I have been thinking about moving back there to work." It was the truth; she just left out the part of it being two or three years in the future.
"What about us, Zoe? I can't pack up and move because you have this sudden urge to go home," he hissed, suddenly becoming defensive.
"You can write from anywhere, Joel," she reminded him feeling frustrated with him. It wasn't like he needed to be in the city for his job. He could write from anywhere in the world.
"That's besides the point, Zo," he sighed.
"Is it?" She questioned, getting up to place her plate in the sink. "Why are we even together?" She asked walking from the room.
Even though things weren't right in Bluebell, she was starting to wish she was back there. She had thought the whole plane ride home, had a day to herself to think some more before she was needed at work, and before she met up with Joel, that she would know what she wanted, but she was just as lost as before. Though one thing was for sure, work felt like she didn't belong there and now with Joel it felt wrong, all wrong.
To her, it was like Joel wasn't willing to give anything up to be with her. Wade had given up love for her, sacrificed himself. Joel couldn't even entertain the idea of giving anything up for her. Wasn't love about making sacrifices for the one you love? Not that she had ever given anything up to be with Wade nor for Joel. However, she was willing to give up the life she wanted in the city to be with Wade, even if it was too late. With Joel, she couldn't think of anything that she could give up for him, other than her love for another man. And at this point that didn't seem possible.
"Why do you think you are with me?" Joel asked calmly, joining her on the bed, keeping his distance.
"At first you were a fun distraction from what I had going on. With you, I learned how to slow down and enjoy each day, like when I was kid. Smell the flowers," she smiled. "That is what I needed. Along the way, I fell in love with you, but honestly I'm starting to see that…" She paused, not wanting to say the words that were sitting on the tip of her tongue. She didn't want to hurt him.
"What is it Zoe? We can't keep things locked away," he urged her on.
"Being with you was easy and the safe option for me," she confessed. "Think about it, Joel. We've been together for 2 years; we have yet to move in with each other. We haven't discussed a future, and I honestly believe that we don't have a future together. What's the point in us dating if it's not going anywhere? And this isn't on you; it's on me because I couldn't be honest with myself, I was the one running all along," she sighed, looking down, feeling horrible about every word that had slipped from her mouth.
"You are right. Being together was easy and safe. I do love you, Zoe. Even so, this should've ended a long time ago. The blame isn't all yours. I've been hung up on an ex, as well, and she came into my life while you were away, and it stirred all these dormant feelings. I felt like a teenager all over again," he laughed. "We've only been pretending for who knows how long; we have moved back to being friends without ever realizing it. There is nothing wrong with that."
"We did and it happens," she shrugged; she had seen it sooner just kept ignoring it because she didn't want it to be true. "We were both in the same spot hung up on an ex. We can't move forward if all we thought about was using the other. I know at some point we went from using each other to loving one another, but it doesn't work for us. I think there was always an expiration date on us, and it is past."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," he told her. "No hard feelings?"
"No hard feelings," she responded. " Joel, do us both a favor and go be with her," Zoe prompted him.
"I'll take your advice if you go after what has been yours, mind telling me what is with this key?" He asked, taking the key from his pocket. "I wasn't snooping; it was laying on the floor, half under the couch when I came over this afternoon," he explained.
"How do you know it's not my key to my dad's place?" She questioned, taking the key. She didn't realize that she had lost it.
"Because the key to your dad's place is the funky green, blue, and purple tie-dye key you've had since you were a kid," he pointed out.
Zoe laughed at that, flipping the key with her fingers. "It's for my house," she caved. "Wade, the one I stupidly let go, bought it for me; he's been saving up since we were 9 to buy the house for me just because I commented on feeling at home in the house," she smiled.
"Sounds like he still loves you," Joel smiled. "Go after him, Zoe. A love like that doesn't come along everyday."
"I would, except his soon to be wife wouldn't take to kindly to me confessing my love for him at his wedding," she responded.
"You have to fight, Zoe. If you want to be with him fight for your love," he replied.
Could it be that easy? Could she show up at his wedding and say her piece and expect him to call off his marriage to Tansy for her? Did she even have the nerve to do something like that? Could she live with herself for letting him go? Could she move on fully from Wade?
She didn't know but one way or another, she was going to find out what one of those questions would be answered. First, she needed to find someone and ask him what his opinion was, because he never let her down yet with advice.
"I need your help," she begged, sitting at the table with one of her superiors. He looked up from his food a curious look on his face. "I'm lost on what I should do, and you have always been good on giving me the advice I need to hear," she clarified.
"You know I am always happy to help you out, Zoe," he told her slowly. "But do you need my help in this? You are a smart young woman, who knows what she wants even if she thinks she doesn't," he explained further for her.
She liked to think that she knew what to do in this situation, but sleeping on it, left her feeling lost with a lack of sleep as she had spent the night tossing and turning worrying about that big fat question mark that is her future. The answer maybe be staring her in the face; it didn't mean she saw it. She needed help from the one person in the city that wouldn't lie to her or tell her what it is they think they want her to hear. Honesty. She needed honesty from her mentor.
"I'm stuck on everything in my life. Depending on the person they are only going to tell me what suits them best, whether that means me staying here in the city or me moving back home. You are the only person I know that isn't biases," she explained to him.
"Then let's hear this problem of yours," he replied with a friendly smile, giving her his undivided attention.
"It may seem silly but the struggle is real," she started off with. "I've got a job back home; it has been mine since I was a little girl," she smiled, thinking about how happy she had made her dad, when she was a little girl and told him she wanted to be a doctor just like him. "But I don't know if I want to go back there and lay everything on the table, especially when the guy I still love is marrying someone else," she quickly explained, using the major points in her crisis.
"From that far away look on your face, I can see that despite the drama waiting for you back home it is where you want to be. That is happiness you can't fake," he easily told her. "As for that love life it is up to you. Either you confront him before he pledges his life with another woman, or you find a way to let him go fully."
"Really, you think I should move back home?" She questioned, ignoring the stuff about Wade.
"Zoe, I think you need to figure out what place makes you happy despite who lives where. Is the risk worth the reward?" He questioned her, getting up. "You Dr. Wilkes will be wonderful wherever you my land."
"Thank you, Dr. Hart," she smiled.
"Like the rest of these little one-on-one chats, I won't tell your mother about them, but you will be expected to come over for dinner tonight," he smirked, walking off.
"I'll be there," she called after him.
She had lived with her dad, as long as she could remember. Harley told her he brought her home from the hospital, saying that Candice wasn't ready to be a mother. She had been born in New York, and that was why liked to think she had such a connection with the city that never sleeps; it should've been her home, but it wasn't, not even close to being home. She didn't have a relationship with her mother, not until she was in college and one of the perks of being in New York was to be closer to her mom, so she could get to know her, and she enjoyed it and loves her mother, no longer resenting her. A tiny bit of her felt like she would lose her mother if she left, even if it did sound ridiculous.
Things were a bit clearer to her. She was going to do what made her happy; it was her life, and she wanted to live a happy one, not a life that is filled with regrets. Going home for the first time in tens years, was the right move to make, it put things in perspective for her.
For now, she knew what she was going to do about one of her dilemmas. As for the other, she had time to sort through that at a later date.