It was all well and good, destroying the enemy that was attempting to destroy them. A grand plan, an obvious plan, and nothing surprising at all about it.
The problem was, they hadn't been able to detect the dang ship before they started attacking. And that hadn't magically changed once they'd started blowing holes in the ship.
But as their choices were to detect and destroy the enemy or be blown up themselves, the crew of the Enterprise worked overtime to develop a way to easily track the enemy. They'd be out of time when the ship was too damaged to retaliate.
Kirk watched his crew run around, trying to come up with something, wracking their brains and going back and forth with pros and cons. And he waited. Because inside, he was in complete turmoil. He hadn't wanted them to die. He had wanted them off of his ship, because they'd been a danger to his crew every second they were around, but... they hadn't deserved to die. They had been doing what Starfleet had commanded. Not well, in some of their cases, and certainly not pleasantly, but... they hadn't deserved to die. Not like that.
And when Uhura came up with some plan to do with tracking the communication that was being sent... somewhere, he just nodded and let them go, not even comprehending half the words she said. And when the crew successfully drove off the ship, although they were sad to report it wasn't destroyed, he nodded and demanded an assessment of the damage and ordered them to get as far away from there as possible.
Then he left the bridge.
Spock watched him go, but he'd been ordered to take command as Kirk had left, so he was forced not to follow, not to make sure his friend stayed safe. And he was afraid, because the look he'd seen in Kirk's face was very unlike the captain. It spoke of a deep self-loathing that Spock understood, even if he'd never admit to it.
He went to Uhura, placing a hand on her shoulder and speaking quietly. "Make sure he does not do himself harm. Please."
He had half expected her to argue, as she usually did when she was told what to do, but she just nodded. It was clear from her face that she was just as concerned as Spock was, although she allowed that to show on her face and quicken her steps as she left the bridge.
He then took his seat in the command chair, subconsciously dwelling on the captain while he dealt with the remains of the Enterprise.
Uhura was surprised at the speed Kirk must be using, to have arrived down in engineering before she caught up with him. Clearly that miracle air from Gandriel V must really be something. She found him standing under a big metal bowl shape that she couldn't identify, holding it up as a team of engineers soddered it back into place. She frowned, looking at the chunk of metal that must weigh much at least a ton. Kirk shouldn't have been able to hold it on his own.
Blame it on the miracle air.
"Kirk."
"Just hold on, alright?"
At least she could see, now that she'd taken a few steps closer, that it was a strain for him, and sweat beaded his forehead. That made her feel a little better, even though she was still concerned that he was able to do it at all. But the ramifications of Kirk's strength would be considered when they were safely away, as it had been when he'd been injected with Khan's blood. And they'd get through it, and everyone would be fine.
She told herself these things as she waited for Kirk to step out from under the object. There was a moment of no movement as they waited to make sure it wouldn't come tumbling down, and then they applauded themselves quickly before scurrying off to the next mend.
Uhura appreciated the red shirts, but she would never understand them.
Kirk moved as if to follow, and then he turned to frown at Uhura. "Did you need something?"
"Uh... no. I was... can I help?" He seemed to be doing fine, despite the crease in his forehead that refused to go away, even when he gave her a small smirk.
"I'm sure we can use you. She's got a few too many holes in her for my liking."
So Uhura followed Kirk around Engineering, fixing things, burning her fingers, straining her muscles, all the while keeping an eye on the Captain to make sure he didn't try anything overly reckless. And when the shift changed and a new bunch came down to engineering, Kirk decided they were unnecessary and the crew could take care of the rest.
Uhura was exhausted by that point, but proud of the man who was seeming to hold himself together, despite Spock's fears. Maybe he'd just needed to take care of his ship, maybe he'd only needed the physical exertion to work off his emotions. Maybe Spock had just been overly concerned about his friend.
But Uhura had been concerned as well. And they both knew that the Captain didn't work through emotions with physical activity. He'd be in trouble later, when he was alone.
"What are your plans now?"
Kirk turned and frowned. "Bones wanted to see me. Why?"
"Just... curious. Thought we could play a game of chess or something." Really, chess was the last thing she wanted to do, but if it would keep him occupied...
"Tomorrow?" Kirk offered, giving her a half smirk.
"Yeah. Sounds good. Good night."
She watched him nod and walk away, actually heading to the medbay. If he was going voluntarily, something was definitely wrong. But at least he'd be with Leonard, and maybe they could work through the emotions he was definitely suffering through.
With a sigh, she turned and went to her own quarters, practically dragging her feet the whole way. She hadn't exerted that much effort in much too long.
Kirk knew what Uhura was up to as soon as she showed up in engineering. And it was unnecessary, but he let her believe she was helping. It was probably at Spock's request that she'd showed up, to make sure he didn't try to kill himself because he was too depressed.
It wasn't unheard of, but it was unnecessary. He would be fine. He had felt the emotions start to dissipate as soon as he'd applied himself to the hard labor, and by the time he called it quits the ache of guilt was just a dull throb in the back of his mind. So he bid her goodnight and walked towards the medbay, where Bones was expecting him to report in for a check up. Which, of course, he was avoiding. But it would make Nyota feel better if she thought he was going to be with someone else.
After he knew she was gone, he turned and went to his own quarters, where he could have some privacy. He just needed time to sort through things, get his head back on. After all, he was an enemy of Starfleet, which was both a surprise and a cause for concern. They'd always disagreed on protocol, but he'd never really thought they'd command he be left on a planet where he was dying, and then strip him of his title because he was dying. It was all ridiculous.
He locked the door behind him, feeling the familiarity of the room release all of the controlled calm that was required to lead a group of people into outer space. All of the emotion came crashing over him, and where he'd been fine moments before, he was now struggling to keep from drowning in the sea. He crumpled to the floor, his shoulders heaving with dry sobs as he watched, once more, the pods being destroyed. That was on him. That was all on him. And there was nothing he could do to make it right again. They'd probably pin the blame for that on him as well, and soon he'd have nothing left except a ship that really didn't belong to him and a crew who would eventually want to leave for their families or their lives on planet. So really, nothing.
He forced himself to stop feeling self pity. He had friends who wouldn't abandon him. After all, Spock and Uhura both had everything they wanted on the Enterprise. They would stay. Sulu would go home to his family, he was sure, but Chekov had too much passion for space, he would probably stay, at least for a while.
His crew was used to being in space. They wouldn't just abandon him. They'd at least make sure he was taken care of before they left, because they were family.
He just had to keep telling himself that. He wasn't alone. That helped.
And it wasn't all his fault. He couldn't have known they'd been followed by an untrackable ship, he couldn't have known the pods would be a target. He had only done what he thought was right by his family. He couldn't be blamed for that.
Well, he could be. But it wasn't completely his fault.
It took him a few minutes, but eventually he felt sure enough of that statement that he could function once more. He took a deep breath, and the intelligent part of him said that maybe he should actually go see Bones, since he was not only supposed to, but he'd also told Uhura he would. If she asked McCoy and he hadn't, he'd have two people on his ass about it. It probably wasn't worth it.
He made his way to the medbay, smirking at the look that would surely be on Bones' face when he showed up of his own volition. And sure enough, when he walked through the doors of the sterile environment Bones practically lived in, the doctor's mouth dropped and he stared for a second before shaking himself out of his gruff stupor.
"It's about damn time, I have other things to do." He muttered, ushering Jim to one of the beds and sitting him down. In no time he'd drawn blood and checked Kirk's vitals, nodding to himself as he did so.
"Am I gonna live?" Kirk asked, dodging the distracted smack Bones sent his way as he read the results of his scan.
"Hopefully not. Unfortunately, it looks like you will."
"Good. Can I go?"
"Kirk..." Bones paused, as if debating the best way to phrase his words. "We don't know why the Gandrialans were trying to negate the augment blood in you, but they might be able to do the same with this."
"So don't let them catch me again. Wasn't planning on it anyway."
"You know what I'm saying, Kirk. You've gotta play it safe for a while, at least until I can be sure they can't take you out again. I don't have any back up gas that I can just pump into you, you'll be as good as dead."
"Like I said, wasn't planning on getting caught again, which means we won't have a problem. Can I go?"
Bones rolled his eyes, putting away the equipment he'd used and intentionally not looking at Kirk.
"No missions until I can be sure they won't kill you. Doctor's orders. And I know you're going to fight me," Bones didn't have to turn around to know Kirk had opened his mouth to argue. "But I need to run a few more tests before you're cleared. We may not be a part of Starfleet anymore, but for crying out loud you should still respect that. So please, just let it go for a minute. Besides, we probably won't be able to stop anywhere for long anyway, knowing how much Starfleet wants to clap your ass in irons."
Bones turned to look at the Captain, ready to fight him if need be, but Kirk just frowned and nodded. "Okay."
"And don't you just tell me you won't and then run off without letting me know first, because I'll alert security and they'll stop you-"
"I said okay. I won't do it until you feel satisfied that I can do it safely."
Bones just stared at him for a moment, waiting for the punchline or the telltale sign that Kirk was just telling him what he wanted to hear. But there was nothing, and that made Bones more worried.
"And if you need to talk about anything..." He knew the captain wouldn't take him up on the offer, and he knew that the nod and smile he received actually were just placating him this time, but he still hoped the offer would at least make Kirk feel less alone, if nothing else. Because there was something off about him, and Bones had several guesses at what could be causing it. None of them were good things.
He watched Kirk leave, presumably going to his room to rest for the night, hoping the man wouldn't seclude himself with his feelings and end up hurting himself. Because Kirk definitely had a lot of things to be upset about at the moment.
Bones vowed to keep an eye on Jim until he was satisfied that the worst was past, and finished working on the tests he wanted to run to be sure Kirk wasn't dying in some other way.