"Please seat yourselves."

Kirk couldn't do that because he couldn't pull himself away from the wall-sized high resolution display in the quarters Spock and Uhura shared.

"Captain, if you will take a seat, please. The Admiral has been waiting 9.73 minutes."

"Spock?..." Kirk asked, mesmerized.

Uhura repeatedly jeered at Kirk, waving her arms from side to side to get him to move out of her sight line.

"Yes, Captain?" Spock replied while subtly steering his commanding officer to an available seat with a firm Vulcan hand on Kirk's shoulder.

"Why does Uhura have one of these displays in her quarters and I don't?"

Spock's non-verbal response of a raised eyebrow and a Vulcan smile got through.

"Right. Stupid question."

"If you will be seated, Jim." Spock recommended as he slapped the comm button.

The picture sprung to life as Kirk whispered over the lap of his irate Comm Chief to his First Officer - "We are going to discuss this display situation, Spock."

The screen filled with a smiling Komack and a hyperactive weasel resembling Donal Trumpe.

"Captain, I see you have the group assembled. I want to congratulate you -"

"Welcome to celebrity! Wasiright or wasIright!? In the last galactic day we've already placed 29 million units. You guys are HOT! Wait! The ticker says we're up to 42 million."

Spock's wife panicked out loud.

"It's on SALE!? Spock - they can't show those pictures of you!"

"What's the hourly retail sales rate on the calendars?" Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

"Hey Spock! Did you like our little edit? Yeah, so I was talking to this Vulcan medical guy, Mbugga-something. Real fan of our Klingon calendar. Anyway, told him I was concerned that we hadn't captured you at your best. Didn't mention your name, just said an actor we were working with on New Vulcan. Well he laid the truth on me. You sly dog! No wonder you've got a babe like Uhura on your arm. From what I hear, we'd have to stitch your compadres end to end to -"

"Spock - DO SOMETHING!" Uhura shrieked into Spock's ear.

"Whazza matter? I promise you it's an anatomically correct edit. We made sure. Wait - is that you, Uhura? We shoulda checked with you -"

"You're damned right you should've checked with me!" she yelled to the display through Spock's delicate - and ringing - ears.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn't think about it - did we get it right? I mean, is it big enough?"

Scotty got bathed in the bourbon that used to be in McCoy's mouth, setting off a string of Gaelic profanity all having to do with copulation.

"IS IT BIG...?! - listen, Donal, when my mother gets through suing you for defamation and falsification and, and, and -"

"Told you those green-blooded cyborgs were different. Looks like a third arm..." McCoy the Xenophysician inserted.

"Nyota -..."

"Shut up, Spock, I'm not done! And illegal modification of -"

"Nyota?..."

"WHAT, SPOCK!?"

"Mr. Trumpe's alterations are proportionally accurate -"

"I KNOW THAT, SP-"

Uhura's brain woke up, mortified, in the middle of her reactionary confirmation.

Scotty had just placed the drying cloth down when McCoy baptized him in bourbon again.

"Jesus, Spock!" Kirk exhaled, his hands reflexively covering his own less adequate resources.

"No way! Yer talkin pish! And McCoy, ya bas, stop drinking if you cannae hold your liquor!" Scotty yelled in a mixture for Fed. Standard and Scottish Gaelic as he dabbed himself dry again.

Sulu whistled before concluding - "We need to raise our prices..."

Carol just stared, mouth agape. And smiling.

Nyota's head spun to face Spock.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT-AT-AT...THIS!?"

"...or already have..." Leonard the Smart-ass added through the bourbon

"Told you she was smart, Komack-baby. Hot body and a genius! Uhura? You asked the trillion-dollar question. That man-eating lawyer you sicced on me negotiated an individual tie-in agreement. The Kirk and Sulu dolls - all anatomically correct, I might add - are flying off the shelves at toy stores and WallyMart. But get this - they're STEALING the hover-trucks with the Spock dolls."

"What's the current pricing on the dolls?" Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

"You and Kirk are 200 credits each. We just demand-priced Spock at 1000 credits and we can't keep'em! I'm telling ya, Uhura, if we could get you in on this we'd each own our own planetary system in 6 months, yougettingmysignal? And who's that sitting next to Scotty? The bottle blonde?" Trumpe squinted into the camera.

"That oughta start a fight..." McCoy the Instigator commented.

"See here, Mr... Whatever your name is -" Carol protested.

"Call me Don, babe. Just as long as you call me, causeI'msointoyou. She with the old man? The Irishman?"

"I've got yer 'old man'! And I'm a SCOT, ya daft twit!"

"Notaproblem, notaproblem! We'll create an OT3 with the blonde, Sulu and Kirk. Get the polyamory and the Skirk crowds buyin'em. How's she look in a bikini?"

"Carol's pretty hot in lingerie." Kirk offered.

Uhura tried to beat the hair off Kirk's body until Spock restrained her.

"Listenlistenlisten. The reason I called is I booked a marketing junket to Risa. Resort there wants to offer the calendar and dolls as part of a vacation package with you guys as the dessert. Big party at the floating bar - tickets at 35,000 credits and up. Babes, booze, bucks - heaven! That Uhura broad - geez Louise is she a pain in my tuchus - we agreed you'd get 15 large out of every ticket. Saaayyy... She related to your Uhura?"

"She is my mother-in-law." Spock offered up in penance.

"Riiiiight. Spock - do me a favor? On Risa NOBODY'S married. Youhearingme?

"Oh HELL to the NO! He's married or he's not -" Uhura started up again, neck moving in circles in preparation to step through the display and kick Donal Trumpe's anemic weasel ass. Spock grabbed her before she got her second earring off.

"Anyway, if this junket works, we'll schedule a few more."

"What's our appearance fee?" Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

"100k each for Scott and McCoy, 200K for you, 250k for Kirk and half-a-mill for Spock. Plus accommodations - McCoy and Scott will share a three-bedroom suite. You and Kirk each got your own 2-bedroom jobs."

"I'm not staying with that drunken fool!" Scotty shouted at McCoy.

"Who you callin' a drunken fool, you scotch-guzzlin' boozer!" McCoy zinged back before returning to his glass.

"Spock will be in the VIP suite IF he can talk Uhura into coming. If not, he gets the penthouse. Meals and alcohol on the house. It's a sweetheart deal! Even that shrew lawyer of yours -"

"That's my MOTHER!" Uhura started up again, this time getting her second earring off and unzipping one boot before Spock corralled her.

"What's our autograph fee?" Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

"Junkets in two standard weeks so I gotta know by tomorrow. That's it, Jimmy K! We're done. See ya!"

And the screen went blank. It provided the only silence in the room for hours.