The Junket Dry-Run
To say Trumpe's idea to have a "dress rehearsal" on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet did not go well would be lying.
Arriving on the planet, late into the 16 hour night cycle, the Calendar Crew© (Sulu's second registered name for the group) - along with their "escorts" (Nyota Uhura and Carol Marcus) - found their way to the VIP entrance of the hotel fairly easily and without much hoopla.
In their last telecon with the money-making moron Donal Trumpe, they'd been assured that Wrigley's would handle security. The "anything goes" pleasure planet sat well away from the cluster of vacation planets - including Risa and the city of Rixx on Betazed - thus ensuring (according to Trumpe) "a walk in the park experience" for the new celebrities in their first fan event.
Because of scheduling conflicts, Trumpe found himself on Boreth in Klingon space shooting the follow-up to "Queens of Q'o'nos" - a calendar with the working title of "Big Boombahs of Boreth". As the Enterprise junket was a dry-run, Donal sent his younger brother, Topper Trumpe, to handle the logistics.
Rounding the corner to the rear concierge desk, Kirk noted a smallish, sweaty man wringing his hands and looking very nervous.
"Topper?"
"Yeah-yeah-yeah!" the human ferret responded.
That voice could only belong to a family member of Donal Trumpe.
"Jim Kirk. Can you show us to our rooms? It's been a long day."
"Yagottaunderstand?"
The Enterprise officers turned to Uhura for translation.
With an exasperated huff, Uhura released Spock's hand and stepped in front of the captain.
"Look, Topper. I've kicked better asses than yours in bars across this quadrant. Make this all happen without any trouble and you'll go home to your brother in one piece."
"It'snotmyfault! Don'thitmelady! You ARE a lady - right?"
"What's the problem Topper?"
"Theyonlybookedonesuite..."
Topper cowered behind the concierge podium as he delivered this news.
"What did he say?" Carol asked, concern descending onto her face.
"If I understand him, we're all in one suite - not the separate suites Donal the Lying Ass promised us," Uhura explained.
"How many bedrooms?" Sulu asked, calculating the cost of additional rooms on his PADD.
"Inthesuite? ThreeIthink."
"Who taught you to speak Fed. Standard?" Scotty asked.
"Your mutha!" Topper replied in clear Brooklynese.
Kirk bear-hugged Scotty to save Topper from two whoopings.
"Carol and Nyota will take the smallest bedroom" McCoy figured out, "and we men folk will split the others.
"Oh no, Len! I'm sleeping with my husband on this trip. You guys and Carol can figure something out."
"Guess it's you and me, Monty" Carol concluded, grabbing his carry bag and her own.
Scotty stuck a hand out to stop her.
"Uh... Under the circumstances, lassie, do you think we should... I mean..." Scotty stuttered as if they'd never spent time alone and undressed together.
The last of Uhura's patience took an extended vacation.
"Then give Carol the room and double up with Jim! Can we PLEASE just go to our suite? THANK you!"
McCoy, whose luggage made unusual clanking noises (like cocktail glasses during a toast), balked at the arrangements.
"I promised myself I'd never share a room with Jim Kirk again and I don't aim to break that promise. I'll take the couch - Sulu, you can bunk with Jim.
"Everybody wear SOMETHIN' to bed tonight. You hearin' me!?" the grumpy doctor instructed.
Settled in the bedroom assignments, Topper led the group into the VIP elevator for the ride to their VIP floor where...
Groupies of all genders and species and colors and appendages (wet and dry) grabbed Kirk and Spock out of the lift. Dropping their bags, Uhura and Carol swung with both fists to reclaim their shipmates and to clear a path to their suite.
Sulu's hands immobilized Topper as the Donal-surrogate turned to run in the opposite direction.
"Where's Security!?" Sulu screamed at the sniveling coward.
"IdunnoIdunno! Lemmego!"
"Who leaked this!?" Uhura yelled between punches and nerve pinches.
"MaybeDonal? It'sgoodpublicity - don'tyouthink?"
"What I think, Topless, is you need to make yourself scarce before Ms. Uhura comes back for you." the Doctor suggested.
Reaching into Topper's pocket, McCoy removed the suite key. At the lessening of the pressure from Sulu's hands, Topper's feet flew to the stairwell opposite the fan mob and disappeared down the stairs.
McCoy retrieved his traveling medical kit from his bag and loaded three hyposprays, handing one each to Scotty and Sulu while keeping the last for himself.
Snatching his own and Uhura's luggage then nodding for the others to do the same, the doctor led the way, demonstrating the rapid administration of medically unnecessary hypos to his two comrades.
"Cavalry's comin', darlin! Just keep plowin' the road for us!" McCoy yelled to Uhura.
"Don't worry -"
A nerve pinch from Uhura dropped a crazed male fan dressed up as Uhura.
"- about me -"
Carol stumbled as Uhura cold-cocked a set of Romulan-looking twins wearing nothing but smiles into her path.
"- just rescue Spock and Jim!" Uhura finished.
A sickening thud accelerated the hypo applications.
Hypo'd bodies dropped like they'd been nerve pinched by Uhura. The trio brought up the rear, closing ranks with Uhura and Carol at the suite door. Keying the door open, McCoy threw the bags in without looking and joined his colleagues in rushing into the suite. Carol and Scotty pushed intruding appendages back through the door before closing it and locking it securely.
Kirk and Spock had been badly handled by the fans, passed overhead mosh-pit-style until Spock's greater density led to his being dropped. The doctor snatched opened the med kit to retrieve his medical tricorder.
After a quick med check McCoy looked up from the instrument display and laughed out loud.
Before him stood the captain and first officer of the Enterprise.
In the buff.
Groupies had stripped them clean of clothing.
Sulu, a certified adult, separated his own bag from the others and retreated to the bedroom with the most beds.
Scotty spun Carol towards the smallest bedroom and dragged her and their bags into it but not before Carol got a gander at the two naked officers.
Spock, never self-conscious about his body, stood patiently while his mate gathered their bags. The Vulcan hottie did note Kirk's surreptitious attention to specific areas of his half-Vulcan anatomy.
Uhura, irritated with Kirk's attention to Spock, adopted a Buddha-like smile. Hooking her arm through Spock's, she set a leisurely pace into their bedroom.
Standing in McCoy's sleeping area - which doubled as the suite's living area - Jim Kirk asked a medical question of the doctor:
"Bones? Where the rest of it? There was more in Spock's calendar picture, right?"
A hard push sent Kirk towards the door that Sulu had disappeared behind. McCoy hurled Kirk's luggage into the room (hitting Jim in the back of his head) with a final bedtime wish for the captain.
"Grow up, kid!"