CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time, there lived a bland college student named Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, or Ana, Steele was in fact so bland that a description of her appearance was deemed totally unnecessary by the author. Of course, this is just as well, since it would be much easier to just Google a picture of Bella Swan from Twilight to see what Ana looks like, seeing as they are most likely the same person anyway.
Our riveting tale begins with bland Ana preparing for her exclusive interview with a mega-industrialist tycoon who, despite apparently being the kind of mega-industrialist tycoon that everyone would surely know about, is somehow completely unknown to her. Most likely, this is because, like Bella Swan, Ana is naïve and unworldly (read: possibly stupid and has apparently been living under a rock her whole life), which makes you wonder what kind of shortsighted dunderhead decided to choose her for an important job like this in the first place.
As it turns out, the dunderhead in question is her journalist friend, Kate, who was supposed to conduct the interview herself but had been recently rendered incapable by the bubonic plague. However, Kate, despite being Ana's closest friend, turns out to be a completely useless character since her only purpose in this story seems to be to illustrate how unremarkable Ana is; despite being riddled with sickness, Kate still manages to be an obnoxiously gorgeous blonde, causing no end of frustration for our protagonist.
After some shitty, meaningless banter with Kate, Ana Swa— I mean, Steele finally speeds off for her interview with the mysterious CEO of Grey Random Legal Jargon Industries Inc. What this corporation incorporates and what industry they specialise in does not matter, because any legalese will do when naming companies. Anyway, Ana, nervous for her-but-not-really-hers interview, steps into an intimidating office building made of glass and steel and sandstone with a glass and steel and sandstone lobby, and a glass and steel and sandstone elevator. As you can see, the repetitive use of the phrase "glass and steel and sandstone" not only mimics E.L. James' writing style, emphasing the fact that the building is made of glass and steel and sandstone, but is also a considerate writing device used by her, taking into account those of her readers suffering from severe retrograde amnesia. What's more, this glass and steel and sandstone building is also seemingly populated entirely by more obnoxiously gorgeous blondes. In fact, every female in his universe happens to be an obnoxiously gorgeous blonde— everyone, that is, except our bland protagonist. Damn these obnoxiously gorgeous blondes! Double crap! Triple crap! Of course, swear words like these are completely natural expressions for twenty-year-old Americans like Ana, and not at all like the awkward interjections of a middle-aged British housewife struggling to get in touch with the kidz, yo.
So anyway, after more insignificant descriptions of various glass and steel and sandstone furnishings, our poor ol', Plain Jane protagonist is waiting nervously for her interview as more gorgeous blondes who no one gives a shit about flutter around her. Even worse, because she had apparently been living under a rock her whole life, Ana has worn an outfit that makes her look like a completely out-of-place dick! Damn this office dress-code! Damn her (most likely) crippling student debt has left her unable to purchase appropriate clothing! That obnoxious blonde Kate probably never has to deal with this problem. All of this just serves to make our insecure and plain and bland protagonist feel more and more insecure and plain and bland.
But never fear, dear reader! Since this story is basically Twilight, it is her very blandness— so perfect and bland in its perfect blanditty— that makes Ana Steele stand out from the horde of well-dressed blondes that apparently populate Grey Random Legal Jargon Industries Inc. In fact, this obviously perfectly perfect woman, completely oblivious to her perfect perfectness could only mean one thing:
Our dear protagonist, Anastasia Bella Swan Steele, is a flaming Mary Sue.
And with this revelation, the glass and steel and sandstone doors open ominously to the glass and steel and office, and Ana, like the clutz of a Mary Sue she is, clumsily trips over her double-crapping feet into the light, ready to meet the CEO. Ready to meet... Edward Cullen.
Who is this mysterious Edward Cullen?
Is everyone in Grey Random Legal Jargon Inc. secretly a vampire?
When will the Mummy Porn start?
Find out in the next chapter of Fifty Shades of Shite!