McCoy
"Transporter Room 1 to Dr. McCoy."
"McCoy here, dammit!"
McCoy's out-and-out hatred of transporter technology extended to its carbon-based components - otherwise known as transporter techs.
"You have visitors who require an escort."
"Got my arm a foot deep up a man's intestines. They can wait! McCoy out!"
An hour later, the captain swung out of his quarters heading for the Mess Hall and met a disgruntled Leonard McCoy hustling to Transporter Room 1. Not that disgruntled was unusual.
"Is this you're doin', Jim? 'Cause I'm in no mood for one of your juvenile pranks."
"What are you pissed off about? What prank? When's the last time you had a drink - you need a pick-me-up?"
"You didn't invite someone embarassin' to see me? As a joke?"
"No. You'd hypo me if I did."
Both men drained of color.
"You want me to go with you?"
"Yes, I do. I'm afraid, Jim."
"So am I."
Two hours after entering Transporter Room 1 with his captain, McCoy returned lugging crates that clinked. Placing the crates on the empty transporter pads became increasingly difficult as their weight and the doctor's tears increased the agony.
No man should have to experience something this traumatic while sober - and yet, that's what Leonard McCoy was: stone, cold sober.
"Lenny, trust me. You'll be a better man and a better doctor when all this is gone."
This encouragement came from Abby McCoy, Leonard's third ex-wife and absolute crush, who smiled gently while rubbing her ex-husband's protesting back and shoring up his protesting will.
Behind Abby came Jim Kirk, carrying similar crates and crying just as hard.
In her ex-wifely wisdom, Abby decided to address Lenny's alcohol consumption head on - by insisting he relinquish his stash. To ensure Lenny couldn't replenish from any on-board supplies, Abby cajoled Lenny into forcing Jim Kirk to abandon his stash as well.
When Kirk complained about McCoy's domestic issues affecting the captain's own inventory of quality bourbon, Bones informed Kirk of the number of childhood immunizations missed thanks to his asshole step-father. While not strictly required for his job as captain, most competent physicians recommended all children have them.
Then McCoy revealed Abby's knowledge of said oversights.
Finally, with a sigh and an apology, Lenny revealed how many hypos it would take to remediate this oversight over the six-month period Abby would be on-board for her practicum.
As these were all pediatric issues, Abby would become Kirk's attending physician.
"You ever been killed with kindness, Jim?"
"Can't say I have, Bones."
"Abby can do it. She a 15th-generation Southern Belle from the great state of Georgia. She'll take us both down."
Dr. Abigail "Abby" McCoy's practicum established the first family and pediatric specialty on the Enterprise. For six months (with a possible nine-month extension), Dr. Not-Lenny McCoy would set up a xeno-neo-natal, xeno-obstetrics and xeno-pediatric program with her ex-husband for the ship's crew.
Awaiting dinner in his new family quarters, head in his hands as Abby cooked and Jo-Jo jabbered on about how many different types of bourbon she'd found in her daddy's old quarters, Lenny wondered:
He wondered why Starfleet Medical's intent to do this to the Enterprise escaped his Inbox.
He wondered how Abby's assignment to his med staff missed his personnel alerts.
He wondered how Abby's message notifying him of her imminent arrival with Jo-Jo got "lost".
But mostly -
- he wondered how Jo-Jo knew where every bottle of bourbon on the Enterprise could be found.