Kirk

The pattern of escalation told Kirk to be wary.

A bridge crew with a brilliant and secretly pissed off Comm Chief told Kirk he'd fail - not that Uhura gave any signs of "remembering".

He escaped the most obvious ploys:

=*The captain no long rubber-stamped anything Janice Rand handed him. He caught, but did not sign, the Komack edict - buried beneath 193 documents requiring his signature - that would have banned alcohol from the Enterprise for bridge crew. The Komack Alcohol Abatement Policy resurfaced for the 86th time. Normally it got flushed by Uhura. This time it "accidentally" got included for signature, even with Komack gone from their lives and command chain. No one in Communications knew how it resurfaced. The alcohol situation was bad enough as it was - thanks to Abby McCoy, Jim had to drink scotch or that tasteless synthehol non-intoxicating stuff.

=*Jim no longer wandered the remote places on the ship alone unless Spock and Uhura were on duty together. Uhura had taken to working out late at night when Kirk normally hit the gym. In and of itself this did not concern him. What did concern him was her new nano-tech robotic sparring partner whose face plate bore a striking resemblance to him. Uhura beat the 'bot to parts nightly.

=*Kirk no longer took shore leave. At the last two locations (including the starbase where they'd picked Abby up), he'd been well on his way to quality horizontal time with a local beauty when Uhura showed up - and wouldn't leave. Her seductive smile and intimate revelations about their experiences together (full of double entendres GUA-RAN-TEED to be taken out of context by Kirk's target) transformed his conquest from waiting and willing to dearly departed. Having accomplished her goal, Uhura happily left. Assigning her to bridge duty didn't help. She'd either swap with one of her staff or, if she had the con, she'd bug him for a decision every 12 minutes.

The vengeance he'd anticipated arrived with a Starfleet message header.

Kirk read the policy change in terror.

"...In due consideration of the situation Starfleet finds itself in after the events associated with Nero and Khan, the certifications required to maintain captaincy on Federation starships has been revised.

"Effective immediately, all starship captains must evidence conversational fluency in at least three non-native languages, one of which must be Klingon or Romulan..."

Kirk retrieved a beer - a real one - from his secret stasis container before reading further.

"...reflects the Federation Diplomatic Services' recognition that a significant increase in diplomatic contacts by starships will be the norm until the fleet is fully rebuilt and restaffed..."

Kirk's hyperventilation had the med sensors McCoy had Scotty secretly install in the captain's quarters yelling at McCoy in the doctor's new family quarters.

"What have you done now!? McCoy shouted, turning the corner into Jim's living area at a dead run and dead sober.

Wild-eyed and hypoxic, Kirk could only point at the screen.

"Lemme see what's got you this amped up..."

McCoy subvocalized the text until he reached the section where Jim seized up.

"...All captaincy certifications will go on provisional status for 12 Fed. Standard months...okay...Captains are encouraged to use any shipboard resource to acquire proficiency...right...

"...Certification exams will be administered by each ship's Chief Communications Officer."

McCoy panted a bit himself before placing a sympathetic hand on Kirk's shoulder and finishing Kirk's beer. Sitting the empty bottle back on the work surface, McCoy succinctly summarized Kirk's situation.

"You're dead. Spock can't even save you from this one."

"Memorizing this is easy - if I actually study it this time. Uhura'll give me an oral exam -"

" - which used to be your greatest wish -" McCoy inserted.

"I'll screw it up! And I gotta have someone to study with! Who else will study with me but her! Uhura knows more languages than Spock!"

"Do you want to keep the Enterprise?"

"BONES!"

"Then I suggest you suck it up and beg like a man. Uhura might have pity on you."

"Yeah, right..."

"Too bad Spock can't meld with you and teach you. Like Spock Prime - what are you up to?"

Kirk didn't answer immediately. He sent the same message to two people who were actually one person separated by time - one encrypted using a Sahndaran cypher and one encrypted using a binomial expansion. He'd have his answers before Uhura could crack the code.

McCoy, unable to discern the reason for Jim's sudden calm, restarted his aborted med exam.

Slapping at the med scanner, Kirk smiled for the first time in weeks.

"I'm good, Bones. You cured me."

"Dammit, I didn't do anythin'!" McCoy contradicted.

"Yes you did. Now all I need is to get Uhura off this ship for a while..."