The Closing

Back on the Enterprise, life returned to something approaching ordinary.

=*Scotty eventually received confirmation of Carol's pox diagnosis and had to move himself and Keenser back to their old quarters. Having grown used to the larger accommodations, Scotty was hard pressed to find room for the pallet (1 pallet = 240 bottles) of scotch he'd been storing in the "baby's" room. Scotty's vidlog during his cohabitation with Carol (all three weeks of it) showed his tendency to lovingly massage the slightly raised pox on her abdomen.

=*Leonard McCoy smiled every damn day his (former) family lived on the Enterprise. This led to an increase in treatment for anxiety disorders amongst his patients. This also led directly to an increase in alcohol consumption by the med staffers and the captain (Scotty congratulated Jim for his maturing taste in spirits; Kirk now adored scotch). To appease Uhura, the captain created a new quality assessment for the new medical specialties. In this way, the captain ensured Abby and Jo-Jo McCoy's presence on the Enterprise every six Earth months. McCoy groused about being seconded to his ex-wife twice an Earth year until Scotty reminded him of Spock's daily situation on the bridge.

=*Over time, Sulu reacquired the ability to speak without a stutter (or a facial tic that left him celibate on the Enterprise for weeks) and to consume cooked meats - as long as they were charred to a crisp to make sure the meat was dead. M'Umbha Uhura represented Hikaru pro bono in the paternity case. Nyota's mother established conclusively to the court that having offspring with "Sulu's eyes" did not trump DNA evidence - along with the fact that Sulu, whether living or dead, would not copulate with a Gorn female.

=*Spock's first official act on his first official shift was to confirm Carol Marcus' return to duty - and, therefore, confirm the return of his opportunity to win the baby pool. Spock viewed this as a private concern between himself and his mate; his mother-in-law did not agree and repeatedly sent loving but firm reminders of how Spock and Nyota should be spending their off-duty time. He heartily concurred with his mother-in-law; Nyota required more convincing. First, though, Spock had to get his bond mate to the altar for a good ol' fashioned Terran marriage. Spock sighed mentally at the idea of being married by his captain; the looks Jim would give Uhura during the ceremony might cause more bouts of emotional compromise.

=*Kirk shared more than a few Jack shots with Uhura as he begged her forgiveness for volunteering his crew to help out a high-ranking jackass. Memories intact and calm restored, Uhura assured him she'd completed her retribution. After his heart-to-heart with her, Jim cut down on the recreational drinking with Bones (Kirk and McCoy subsequently agreed to restrict themselves to medicinal shots. At the rate Kirk got injured both would stay well medicated). The smile that forced Jim to take cold showers communicated a return to their former close relationship.

For this reason, Kirk exploded when notified by Starfleet of his assignment to teach Klingon to a group of captains near the Romulan Neutral Zone who were at risk of losing their captaincies. Klingon nor Romulan made sense to them.

Confronting Uhura when the orders came through, Kirk entertained the entire bridge (everyone except Sulu - who had yet to regain a sense of humor according to his psych files) with his flustered complaint.

"Captain, I told the truth when I said I was done punishing you."

"So this is a JOKE!?" he spluttered at 150 decibels.

Uhura's public enjoyment of his predicament stoked his irritation.

She rose from her console chair and leaned in closer to deliver a very personal message for his ears only. Proximity elevated Kirk's interior heat, triggering his "Spock will kill you!" early warning system

"No, Captain. 'This' was set in motion before I left - after all, you got all that training the easy way with no effort. Not one milliliter of sweat."

Her sultry voice was just audible over Jim's rapid breathing.

"Send my regards to your 'other' Spock, will you, Jim?"

Lowering his head to his chest, Jim Kirk chuckled in surrender.

On a brighter note, Kirk received a commendation from Starfleet for his unraveling of the causal relationship of warp anomalies on matter transmutation.

A problem in the warp core induced degradation in the plasma conduits sufficient to create a static warp bubble within the housing. Proximity to the transporter pattern buffer processing unit initiated an anomaly in the transporter sequencing control unit causing the transporter to auto-start. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura were stunned at the life form on the transporter pad. Scotty, from his place at the control panel, danced a highland fling.

Old Man Archer would finally get that damned dog back.

Finis - Uhura and the Men of the Enterprise Swimsuit Calendar

Author's Note: As I write this note, the view count for this collection of Uhura myths has just topped 28,000. Even if a visitor read only one chapter and left to read something different (or better), that's a lot of folks giving me a chance and I'm humbled by it, truly humbled.

To those who've read this or other published fan fiction works of mine, I send my traditional - but nonetheless heartfelt - response to such kindness:

Thanks for reading my stuff.

[I would add you probably deserve better writing - but that would obligate me to write better... *sigh...]

I fly beta-less for the most part. For those of you who've read my other published materials, this goes a long way towards explaining the novice quality ["novice"="crap"] of my writing. It's only been a year since I started writing fiction of any kind outside of primary school assignments.

The one exception on the beta front is my still-in-production magnum opus - my Academy canon "Ti[m]es That Bind". I needed triage to get the five-year 50,000+ worded tome tamed. Then I lost my original beta to unfortunate family events. I sent out an S-O-S and -

SpockLikesCats, retired military, ran towards the bullets.

'Cats has been alternately savin' and kickin' my natural tuchus. I'm sweatin' after most rewrite sessions.

While 'Cats didn't beta any of these Uhura myths, if I've gotten any better at all it's because my feeble brain is starting to take her corrections, explanations, admonitions, frustrations and commands (I mentioned ex-military, right?) and populate them across my subsequent writings.

So what I'm saying (badly) is this: The Calendar Crew myth's cohesion and dialogue are a direct result of SpockLikesCats' booted foot being attached to the seat of my learning. I'd've never gotten Donal's interchanges written before I worked with 'Cats. If it works, 'Cats is the reason; if it doesn't, I'm the reason.

Got a cast iron stomach, that one...